Tag: depression

Through the other side

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It’s impossible to notice that I haven’t been as bright and breezy as I could have been lately. My posts haven’t been very long or interesting. I want to be honest with you guys because you take the time to sit and read through my blog a lot and I get support from you all, more than you probably know. 

Since I’ve got back I’ve been struggling quite a lot and it’s not fair on a lot of people, especially me. I wanted to publish a book on the best uni experience later on and give advice. I wanted to be cool and a great fresher and just do so many amazing things and just, well, be perfect. Thing is I’m not and no one should go to uni thinking like that. 

The last week or so have been tough. I posted a few days ago on twitter that books and silence have become my life. Largely they have. I’ve just sat in my room and read constantly. You know the saying silence is deafening? It’s true. I’ve hidden away in my room and stayed in silence, music hasn’t played. I don’t know what happened to me, I cam back and I was so happy and excited but when I’m stuck in this room I don’t know what to do any more. I don’t have work to make me concentrate I just kind of read, constantly.

I was so excited about going to band practice this week and then when I was there it just all got a bit too much. It was weird I hate being alone but being surrounded by noise was so weird. The weeks just dragged on really. Yesterday was different  I’d been down again but going to work cheered me up and then I got to stay with Ali and despite being up ill all night I feel so much better. 

I wanted to tell you all this because I’m trying. This is harder now uni is over for the summer but now I’m happy again I can see all the amazing things I’ve done this year. I’m coming through the other side, I have a great job, this amazing band. I’ve just got to slow down and realise that these things take time. I have this illness but it’s not who I am. It’s just a part of me that might go away, it might not I don’t know. Right now, I’n getting through this and I’m going to be ok. 

Friday night cup of tea and thinking

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I’m spending my Friday night sitting in Ali’s flat, watching Emma Blackery on YouTube and contemplating making myself a cup of tea. I don’t know why but despite my plans to go out and drink tonight I really didn’t want to.

I don’t know what’s got into me today. I woke up feeling shit, I picked up a bit but there are things going on at the moment that just make me upset. Things on one side are going really well, I’m so lucky to be mending friendships that have been unraveled in the past few months, understanding myself and academically I’m doing better than I ever have in my life. Then one thing can just piss me off and upset me.

If I’m honest I’m finding my school placement really hard. I haven’t spent time in a school since I was 16 and even then I was hardly there. For me school wasn’t anything I enjoyed it was a battlefield, it was hard. The school itself is lovely, the staff are brilliant and the kids are still slightly wary. The problem is that a secondary school was the place that I was at my lowest, I still get down thinking about it sometimes and every now and again one of the old nightmares may flare up. It’s horrible waking up from those when I’m on my own, I suppose that’s what’s had me thinking about it a lot really. The nightmare was a few days before I started placement which I suppose highlighted the fact I was nervous about it.

While I’m working and doing the experience I’m realising more and more I could never teach in a secondary school as a job. I don’t like the feeling of it, the way it runs, the memories I have myself. It would be the same in any school. I love visting schools, educating them in diferent ways but to be there day in, day out? I can’t do it because this is the thing, your own experiences never leave you. I worry about my sister all the time, even though she is such a different kid to the one I was. She’s smart, she’s funny and she never has any problems standing up for herself or making friends and I absolutely love it. I love that she is that way and as strange as it sounds I wish I was the little sister who could look up to her because she’s bloody brilliant.

I don’t really know what this is about, I don’t know why I’m writing. I suppose it’s just a way for me to understand when I feel like this. I’ve been restless, annoyed, happy everything today. I’m looking forward to a quiet weekend I honestly want to curl up, not do to much and then take on the world again starting Monday.

The last few days

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Ahh I’m finally back on the laptop and ready to write for you all. The last few days I’ve been feeling pretty low, as you can imagine I don’t get prior warning that I’m going to hit a low. With the tiredness, stress of assignments, stress of flat hunting and being alone a lot it’s easy now to see why I’ve been so down. I haven’t felt like writing lately, or doing much. I’ve focused on my work and tried to carry on with the things I have to do, and everything else was kind of just left. 

I have so much going for me at the moment and there is so much going on that even though I’m happy it can get too much and turn into something that is too much. I hate my lows and I feel like I let a lot of people down when they happen, especially when they’re up and down like they have been lately. The important thing is that I’m trying and I’m proud of myself for that at least. I’ve been able to just say when I need to take a step back and look after myself, well I’m trying anyway. 

These are the king of things that make me carry on and try to raise awareness of mental health. As I said in my presentation it’s all about good days and bad days and how you deal with each. So the last few days have been tough, but I’m ok. I have supportive friends and family and I wont let this beat me. I’m also trying to trust doctors again, although this wont be easy because I’ve had a lot of bad experiences with them before, telling me things that weren’t true or not helping me. 

I know this is a bit of a weird post but I don’t know what else to write about today, hopefully things will start being sorted tomorrow and I can go back for my Easter holidays on Thursday and finally relax and sleep. 

Life through my fingers

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I find that much of my life ends up spilling out through my fingers. My lyrics, this blog, my novel attempts and something new, piano. I sat down today for the first time in a long time and just let myself play. Ali took me to one of the piano rooms, big, bright and in the corner a stunning Grand Piano. I didn’t think too much at first I tried my scales, attempting to warm my cracked voice and then I just played around. I figured I had some time to kill so I played around. It’s very hard to stop a piano sounding beautiful. 

So I played and played and played. I wouldn’t stop and something amazing happened, first I got close to playing an actual song and then I just let myself go. I put everything I felt into playing and it made sense. I just played for nearly an hour and I was able to hear how I had been feeling lately. Sounds crazy huh? 

I’ve been trying to find something I could do when I hit a bad low that I could just release and pain or emotion and I think I’ve found it. It’s not like writing, I don’t have to worry or think about what to do I just do it and it feels incredible, I’m so excited about this. 

Talking about Depression ‘The Other Side of the Coin’ event and our first flat viewing

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A copy of Lizzie’s tweet, this made me very proud of myself! 

 

After last nights attempt at a video to try and get used to talking to people about depression in a more formal and informative way you’d think I would have been a little less nervous about today. I was, very slightly but that didn’t stop the nerves creeping in after a lack of sleep again. What do I wear? How did I manage to get toothpaste on my top? What did I want to say again? URgh, Urgh, Urgh! 

I managed to make it to the lecture room early, much before everyone else and I was calm at this point. I knew I was here on time, Lizzie from the Students Union would be there soon, along with the other speakers whom I had never met before. I soon started chatting to Gabby, a masters student who was going to be part of a small group talking about Bipolar. It was nice to talk to someone else about mental illness before speaking, it put me in the right frame of mind and made me feel safe. There were also two other speakers talking about sight and post traumatic stress disorder. Although I was anxious  I really wanted some of my faculty to walk in and support me. A lot of my friends couldn’t make it for various reasons so I was hoping someone I recognised would. I nthe end it was the KUTalent team who eased my nerves (who I have to say took a lot of notes in the lecture. 

Before long, despite a smaller turn out than I had thought, we set up the camera and began the lecture/presentation. I was first before running off to a flat viewing. I’ll admit I did feel nervous, would I make an impact? How do I want to come across? Will the videos I watched of others giving speeches have any impact? I hadn’t written anything down but I was hoping I would need to. I started off with the video ‘I have a black dog, his name is depression’ to give people a sense of understanding and hopefully empathy. The talk went well, I focused on my strengths not my weaknesses and incorporated them into what I was trying to say. I put empasis on three things that people with Anxiety and Depression need, time, patience and understanding because these all relate to the idea of ‘good days’ and ‘bad days’, something I wanted to stress and use myself as an example for. 

I feel like the tlk went well and was a good opener, from what I could see I got a good response. I also learnt a lot today about others, their determination, their motivation and how they learn. Unfortunately I had to leave before my friends part, I’m sure she was brilliant and after speaking to her after she seemed happy. Although I’m disappointed that more people didn’t come I know they’ll see it. We’ll be using the talk in their training now and I’m hopefully going to work towards raising awareness and being a part of the student support group. 

As I mentioned I had to go to mine and Ali’s first flat viewing and it was eventful…in true fashion I ended up hitting a low at the end. Brilliant. As with everyone else the process of flat hunting is stressful, for us it’s a whole different kind of stressful. I’ve never done this before and it’s showing Ali and I parts of our relationship we haven’t had a go at yet. We have argued about flats and where to live and all the rest of it and our first viewing really made me nervous. I’d been to a flat viewing before and the lady was lovely. The flat was spacious but there was something that didn’t feel right. After seeing the bathroom and bedroom I just had a gut instinct of no. By the time we got back to the flat I was in a full scale panic. Had we looked at this, at that? What if we couldn’t live near Kingston Hill, What f they were all the same price, How would we afford things. The list went on and so I sat and cried and lashed out and this is the reality of what  I had been talking about. The smallest panic and I can completely lose myself. 

Eventually I calmed down, exhausted and we started talking before I got a call from the university. We were being offered the opportunity to view another flat! As if all my prayers had been answered we both called our Mums, we’d look at the flat tomorrow but hopefully this one was it. We decided that we both had to feel comfortable and both Mums gave us some vital advice; don’t rush into things and don’t panic. 

With this in mind I think it’ll be easier to sleep tonight. Since Jens left it’s harder to be back at Seething Wells but I’m ok, I think. Just lonely. Hopefully tomorrow will bring some good news, this flat stuff is doing my head in! 

I didn’t pass, but that’s ok!

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I’ve been keeping something back from you all, something that has had me going up and down more times than a yoyo. I had my driving test today, I’ve been hinting at it on the blog for a few weeks but luckily none of you noticed. Before I start this blog I have to thank my best friend Jen, Ali, my parents and my sister. They’ve had to keep me calm for the past few weeks and it hasn’t been easy, there have been a lot of tears. 

Jens been at my flat for 8am for the last 2 days running to keep me calm and just talk me through things, my driving instructor has dealt with various panic attacks and tears for the past week. As I said before driving tests wind me up to no end but something amazing happened. After warming up before and constantly stalling, panicking and being sick I started talking to myself. Sounds crazy, right? I’m pleased to say despite not passing I’m very proud of myself. I got in the car and had one panic moment where I started losing control but other than that I talked myself through, I encouraged myself like I was talking to someone else. I thought I failed before I actually did but I got through and it didn’t matter. I even said to the examiner ‘before you tell me can I just say for me getting through that was enough, I’m happy’ which is a huge achievement for me. I’m terrified of failing, I don’t handle it well in the slightest but today it didn’t matter. 

What did I fail on you may ask? I didn’t overtake a cyclist and therefore held up traffic for a few minutes. That’s all. So my actual driving? Well enough to pass that damn test! That’s what I’m thinking now, I finally feel safe enough to go out alone in my car, obviously wont but I know I can now once I get that certificate in my hand. Also it passed so quickly and I got my manoeuvre near on perfect even though I had to do it backwards and up a hill. 

I would have loved to have passed today, for a moment I thought I had. In a way though failing on something so silly made me more confident. It means I’m a good driver, I am a safe driver. So I got out of the car smiling ran into the flat and gave my instructor the money to book my test again for after the Easter break. I know I can do this now and it took me 4 times of failing to realise that I can do this! I hope it will be next time, I really want to finally have the weight off my shoulders. If it isn’t I’m pretty certain that I will pass before my birthday when my theory certificate runs out. 

Either way today meant a lot for me and I’ve been happy ever since, I never thought failing would make me feel so good! So here’s to next time!! Oh and here’s to kicking Depression and Anxiety’s butt! 

Sunshine can’t solve everything

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I’ve written in posts before about the power of sunshine and nature when it come to my depression and anxiety. Lately I’m starting to work out what can calm me moving on from having to sleep or jump in the shower every time. Today has been beautifully sunny but not my my head. It might as well have been rain and thunder. To me this just reminds me of the ups and downs and what things can trigger one of my low days. As I’m writing this, however, I am pleased to tell you the low lifted a few hours ago. 

Despite the sun, having breakfast and generally doing all things I should have today I still had a near on hysteric phone call with my Mum and started my driving lesson in tears. As you all know driving is the one thing that really, really gets me down. I’ve tried and failed 3 times and the thought of taking another test makes me feel very sick. That said I need to take it, I have until September to pass before I have to take my theory test again and that’s something I want to avoid at all costs. So I drove and luckily I have a good instructor who says I can drive but my panic moments are where I start to fall apart. There are so many things to remember for the test that you stop doing once you actually pass that it makes my brain hurt. On top of that Kingston and the surrounding areas are HARD to drive in. 

I left the car feeling ok but in minutes I was in a state again. Crying and lashing out, I’m not always the easiest person when I’m on a low. With Mum and Ali on the phone as well as my little sister and Jen at the flat I eventually calmed out enough to go wait for a bus. I didn’t observe as much as I normally do, I didn’t smile at people I just wanted to concentrate on getting to Ali’s and just let things go. The bus journey actually helped, I listen to my music, cleared my head and managed to have calmed down a lot once I got to the flat.

Ali managed to do what he does best. I had some quiet time and then we talked things through and cuddled and it was nice to have some time just to ourselves to talk and laugh and he cheered me up. After making sure I was few and watered I came back happier and calmer and had some time with Jen. I’m hoping tomorrow will be better although I know it’s when the pressure really kicks in with everything going on at the moment. Keep your fingers crossed for me! 

Dark clouds on a sunny day

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It needs to rain for the flowers to grow, everyone knows that. The quote may seem silly or ,shock horror, cliché but in situations like today it’s true. Despite the amazing news about being shortlisted for the ‘Rising Star’ award today was not a great day. I’m still struggling with my anxiety and have been feeling pretty low for a few days now, but because it’s me it’s very up and down. I don’t want people to worry about me because of this dip, it’s actually made me realise I’m doing the right things to help myself. If I feel down and I don’t have the time I’ll walk to uni and eat something small. I usually make myself busy so I’m not alone in the flat whihc can be very isolating.

Today was one of those days where I just couldn’t make myself happy, it was raining again and I was running late, a morning walk was out of the question. I was still tired and nervous about things coming up. Did I want to see anyone? Did I hell. I don’t have much to talk about because nothing really happened, I didn’t feel overly unhappy but I just felt ‘meh’ if anyone understands what I mean by that. It times like these where I know that I have a great support network around me, Ali, my family, staff at uni and some close friends who understand when I just need to be quiet and think about things.

I’ll mention Ali more than anyone else on this blog because he deals with every side of me and sometimes it’s hard on him as well as me. He knows I’m trying and usually he knows what to say. He knows when I need a hug or a nap, he knows when I need to be told to get up, give it another go and carry on. This has been the case with my driving lessons lately, the closer I get to taking a test the more I freak out, hence the anxiety attack at 8am on Monday morning while I was on the phone to my Mum. He knows how much I hate this. 

A lot of people as if I would get rid of the illness if I could. Of course I would, anyone would. There is nothing more frustrating than feeling miserable for no reason, especially when there are so many good things going on around me at the moment. It’s a pretty shitty feeling. That said I have learnt a lot about it, I’ve learnt a lot about myself and the world I live in. I think in some ways it has made me a better person. The thing is with uni is for the first time I can express how I feel, I can tell someone I’m feeling really stressed and anxious at the moment, I need some time. Or I can say I’m having a low day, I need to go home and relax for a bit or the opposite of calling someone and saying I need people around, can I see you? There are some silver linings to this, although I grant you I wouldn’t say there are many. I’m hoping that by writing this it means I’m finally coming out of the past few days, I know I’ll be ok. 

Always some bumps in the road

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Today has truly been an up and down day, although despite everything it was definately better than yesterday! Although I’m dying ot tell you all every single detail some are just going to have to wait! It started with actually waking up on time and in a good mood, always a good start today.  After that some great new about No People Club (watch this space!!!) which left my bus ride to uni pretty brilliant. Follow that with a great seminar, a feedback lunch with the uni, some news on the nominations for the student awards and I was happy as pie for the majority of the morning. 

This is where the whole, one tiny thing can change my mood, comes in. I then recieved an email with some feedback and results from Creative Writing. The easiest thing to say is that I wasn’t best pleased and it had a pretty bad impact on me. Thankfully my friend Jen listen to me rant for a bit  before I spoke to disability, they’ll be supporting me now. That’s all I can say really, apart from it’s made me 100% sure I am right to leave Creative Writing. Even after I was still pretty low and the disgusting sight from the window of the bus of a man beating a dog in public had me on the verge of tears (If there had been a bus stop nearby I would have got off and gone after him, I would have also said something to the people around at the time!). 

I’m lucky that I have such supportive friends, the boys in the band were able to cheer me up within half an hour and we ended up having a night of chicken and band banter. Oh and I got an email to say I have an interview to be a student ambassador, something I’ve wanted since I attended open days myself, I screamed when I got the email. It’s all I needed really and now I’m sat here with Ali, full of chicken and pretty sleepy actually. So as you can see it’s always ups and downs but I’m lucky that today has ended on a very big up!