Success?

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A while ago, I was speaking to a friend when he surprised me, he told me I was successful. It stopped me in my tracks, because I haven’t classed myself as that in quite some time, in fact, since graduating I’ve felt more ordinary than I ever have in my life! At times, I’ve even felt like a failure.

Part of this is the struggles I’ve had with my confidence (it took a large dip after breaking my spine) and the other part, who knows? On paper, and to many people I know, they do believe I’m a successful 22 year old. I have a job, a degree, a home and a stable relationship.It ticks all the boxes, doesn’t it? Which I why I feel so bad whenever I say the words out loud, I’m not doign well enough.

I’ve always had a problem where I both want and need to be one of the best. I was talented both musically and academically growing up, apart from driving I found a way to make things appear as if they came easily (they didn’t). Despite my struggles I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me, for the things I’d gone through, so I worked as hard as I possibly could. I won awards, competitions etc. I felt like I was going places.

After graduating, for the first time in your life, your achievements aren’t given prizes or certificates, you’re not given feedback and a grade on things you spend hours on. So I guess in that respect, it isn’t unusual for someone to feel that they’re not doing as well, because you have to jugde it for yourself (particularly hard when you are an anxious person).

So I sit here and I try and see that I am successful, I might not be where I want to be at the end but it doesn’t mean I’m not. I think for many of us, that may be it. We confuse success with where we want to end up. I can only speak for myself, but that’s where I think I’ve been going wrong. I don’t have a house, a book and my life sorted out. Who the hell does in their 20s?

Maybe this is where I say something cliche like ‘success is a state of mind’, maybe it is. All I know is that it means so many things, to so many people. I’m flattered to think that my friend think I’m successful, I hope that someday soon I feel that way too!

What does success mean to you? Do you feel successful?   Let me know in the comments below or tweet me @chloemetzger

Growing Up and Letting Go

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I didn’t know a year ago that such a large part of growing up meant letting go and, sometimes, walking away. In the past year, I’ve learnt more about those things than I have in my entire life. I’ve had to let one of my precious girls go for her sake, I’ve walked away from friendships that I didn’t feel were working and I’ve had to let go of who I thought I was while trying to work out who I think I am. I might sound like a clichèd 20 something, ‘ I don’t know who I am’, but I really don’t. There’s the person I thought I was at university, there’s the person I am after leaving. I’ve had to let go of a sport I lived for, something which I never thought would happen and breaks my heart more than I’d like to admit. Growing up is full of changes and evolution

Growing up is full of changes and evolution. I guess it’s how we learn and all adds up to the person we’re supposed to be, but that doesn’t make it any less exhausting or any easier. The amount of time I’ve spent just wondering ‘what do I want to do?’ because that has certainly changed since I graduated. People say that being young is easy but this is certainly the most confusing time in my life, even more confusing than when I was a teenager. Theses ideas of what you should be doing, thinking etc compared with what you want to do.

I don’t have a grand plan when I write these things, maybe I should, who knows. I just get it all out on a page, because I do know I’m not the only one who feels this way. We’re all young and confused and that won’t change for the generations to come, to quote one of my favourite bands ’22 is like the worst idea that I have ever had, it’s too much pain, too much freedom what should I do with this?’ Hell if I know.

I don’t know what I’m doing

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I took myself off the blog for the last few days for a combination of things, I’ve been busy, my backs been keeping up at night and I’ve been freaking out more than a little bit. So I spent my time with family, at work, sleeping and occasionally having an almost panic attack.

I had a conversation with my Mum last night and just ended up saying ‘you know what I have no idea what I’m doing with my life, I have no idea what to do when I graduate, I just really don’t know’. Honestly that is how I feel right now but my Mum, being the babe she is just said to me ‘You know what Chlo, no one knows what they’re doing, just do what you want to do’ and there it was. It’s something so simple but something that we all forget.

I don’t think that anyone’s job choices will make everyone happy. Some people will make choices based on what other people want and then make themselves happy and to be honest no one really gives a shit. You get a job, you make people proud, blah blah blah, but no one else has to go to the job every day, has to work with the people in it and to you know earn a living and possibly do it until they die.

Does any of this mean that I understand what to do with my life? Of course not I still get stressed out all the bloody time. Will I get a good class degree? Do I go and do a grad scheme I like the look of? Do I go all in and just do my PhD and worry about money later? Do I just go and get a job straight away? Part of me just wants to go please someone give me a crystal bloody ball so I know what should happen!

I don’t think I’m alone in this. I’m guessing that there are a lot of people who just freak out sometimes and don’t know what’s going on or what they should do or if they’re even doing the right thing right now. I don’t think it’s specific this fear and uncertainty can impact anyone regardless of race, gender, sexuality, class etc. Who knows maybe everyone else is just pretending very well.

Postmodern Jukebox

You’ve never heard of Postmoder Jukebox? Where have you BEEN! Tonight myself and the beautiful Eleanor were lucky enough to see them perform in London. I’ve been a fan of Scott Bradlee for a while now and of PMJ since seeing the above video. Basically they take new songs and give them an incredible twist of varying styles my favourites so far have been Fancy, Blank Space (which I think sounds better than the original) and Stacey’s Mom.

The show tonight was sold out and for good reason, they were incredible. It was a little bit cheeky but there is true talent in the show. Costumes, dancers, incredible arrangements I was definitely fangirling. When I a) found out they were on tour and b) found our El was also a fan I had to go. So we got the tickets well before Christmas. I have to say once you watch one video it becomes addictive, I’ve watched all the videos, have all the albums on my iPod, it’s incredible.

You all NEED to go and check them out! You won’t regret it!