Who’s going to hire me? -Embracing your past

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I didn’t expect to be laying in my  wide awake at 4am this morning, followed by wandering aimlessly around my flat. To say my sleep pattern is messed up at the moment is an understatement, my days and nights kind of blur together if I don’t have anything to leave the flat for, I’m in a constant state of write, study, read and possibly eat at some point. I found myself thinking and worrying this morning about getting a job at stupid o’clock in the morning. What if they read about the problems I’ve had this year and don’t want me? What if they do secretly discriminate against me because of my mental health? What if was a prominent theme of the torture my sleepless brain put me through. But, it’s not because I’m dramatic.

I’ve been filling in a few job applications here and there, currently only for roles that I really want and could see myself working in and then there is the box that asks if you have a disability. While I myself don’t like being called disabled because it’s a crappy label, I know that to get help I need to tick it, lately though I’ve found myself  not wanting to tick that box, to hide a part of myself and my past out of fear more than anything. Like many other third years, I’m scared of the unknown and I know that the odds aren’t in my favor. Talking to Ali about it tonight he reminded me that there is so much proof that I can do so much more than a label, and I already have done so much more.

I’ve never been embarrassed or ashamed, and I’m not but I do know there is still a lot of people who are uneducated about my condition, but I’ve managed to educate people through telling my story before. With that in mind, why should I be scared of doing that again? When I saw this quote on Pinterest it made me take a breath, because what’s the point in trying to hide a part of my life or the hardships I’ve faced in the past? There is none. If anything that takes away from what would make me a great employee. I work hard, I persevere. Yes there may be times where my illness kicks my ass and I need a day to get myself better but I’m not a quitter. I got through my final year at university with a healing spine, a ‘broken’ mind and sickness and I think I’ve still done pretty damn great and have never let it affect my two jobs.

Why am I writing this? It’s not to brag. It’s because I know that sometimes you need to see someone else lay everything out. All the good times and all the shit times too and just remember that actually, you may not be ‘normal’, whatever the hell that means, but it doesn’t mean you don’t have a story to tell. To some people I’m an ‘inspirational’ person, which I’ll take but to me it’s just my everyday life, carrying on no matter what because I will not let a label or a box define me. I am so much more than that.

IBS Diagnoses

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As most of you know, since December I’ve had some problems with my health that have kept coming back, it’s not the best time for it to happen especially as it kicked off just before the first lot of my assignments were due. For the past 4 months I’ve continued to have problems and so a load of tests, one IV drip and a lot of medication later, I finally have a diagnosis, IBS, which means irritable bowel syndrome. Basically your insides aren’t very happy and take it out on the way you go to the toilet, which can be incredibly painful and there isn’t really a cure.

So, you might be wondering why I’m sharing my toilet habits with the world, because we shouldn’t be embarrassed. I get it, talking about your bodily functions isn’t always pleasant, especially when it means not being able to leave the toilet for a few day, but it’s actually quite a common problem. I’ve always had these issues, I have been this sick with it since I was at school and there’s a common factor that makes me so poorly, stress. Being in my third year at university has meant I’ve been on high levels of stress since October last year, that much exposure to stress, and some problems in my personal life have made me sick. That  said, now I know what’s going on and I have the right medication to help with my symptoms I should be able to live a relatively active and normal life, as well as knowing when to look after myself.

Like the mental health, IBS is an invisible illness that is very real for the sufferer. So, I’m being honest about it, just because you can’t see something doesn’t mean it can’t be crippling. It doesn’t mean that I can’t have a full life, I’ve proven that I already can and now that I have the diagnoses, some medication and the right guidance on how to manage it, I think I’m going to do just fine.

 

 

 

Why I’m jealous of YOU at the gym..and it’s not the reason you think

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As all of you know, in the last 5 months I have become a gym bunny. Even though there was  break when I was sick, I’ve gone back to the gym and I’m hungry and obsessed to get back. After going on Tuesday, I spent the week waiting for Sunday morning so that I could go again and now I’m (hopefully) going tomorrow as long as my migraine disappears. I have noticed though, that sometimes I look around and feel myself getting a little jealous.

Now, I’m not jealous of people with beautiful athletic bodies, those who don’t sweat when they exercise or look endlessly cool.  I’m not jealous because I want the results without having to work hard. I’m jealous because their bodies work and mine doesn’t always behave. BUT at the same time, I’m learning to love and worship my body that literally had to rebuild a core part of itself, and know how lucky I am to be walking.

I get a little anxious and self conscious at times, not at all because of the way I look, after all the gym is where people go to work on themselves. No, I feel self conscious because of how much slower I am than others, and how little I can do because of my spine. For me, doing an hour at the gym is another small step towards normality for me. An extra five minutes on the treadmill for me is a huge thing BUT when everyone in the gym wants to go on the exercise bikes at the same time (positioned exactly behind the treadmills and therefore with a full view of my bum) and I’m still just able to do a walking pace, and a fairly slow one, at that. I do feel a little awkward I want to shout at them, ‘I’m in spine recovery, I’m not pathetic I promise!, I’m not just lazy’ because this is how I fear others see myself.

I try and tell myself not to care, that most of it is in my mind  and who actually cares what I’m doing? It might be silly but these thoughts go around in my head sometimes. Then then evolve to me wishing that I was fully recovered and I could run or lift a weight that was a ‘real’ weight rather than the tiniest ones that are there because they’re the only thing I can comfortably lift.

There will be a time where I’m a lot better and that’s happening slowly, just under a year ago I had to have help to get up one step and a small set of stairs to my flat were a huge problem. So the fact that I can go to a gym and try and do some exercise is incredible, and I know that. But sometimes, just sometimes, the green eyed monster will rear her ugly head and make me feel a little down, I know that’s normal and one day I’ll be able to throw her off my shoulder.

 

 

Sunday Seven: 7 of my Famous Feminist Heroes

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This week I’ve been working on my dissertation, doing hours or reading on being a woman. On what a woman is, about feminism, motherhood and work. My dissertation may be on Plath, but the research goes further than that and it’s got me thinking about some of the famous feminists I look up to. So for this Sunday Seven I want to celebrate some of the most awesome feminists around.

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1. Malala Yousafzai

I don’t think there’s anyone who embodies the spirit of feminism like Malala. Even after the Taliban attempted to murder her, she carried on and made her voice louder than ever on an international stage. Malala stands for something that every feminist, I think, should fight for. Equal education for girls in all areas of the world. Malala’s story reminded us all that just because we have these things in the Western world does not mean we can take them for granted. Equal education should be for every child around the world, regardless of gender.

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2. Jennifer Lawrence

Even though I wasn’t a huge fan of The Hunger Games I caught on early that Jennifer Lawrence was something incredible. Not only does she not pretend to be an always glam, super cool actress, she reminds all of us she is just another woman. The quote above really hits home that alongside acting, Jennifer wants to change the way women are viewed by the media and the pay gap. Her, quite frankly, brave piece about why she gets paid less than her male costars made headlines around the world. I say brave because it could have made her career suffer. It could have meant that the film industry refused to work with her and that her fear of being called ‘difficult’ or ‘spoilt’ had come true. She make a point though and by raising this issue in public, she puts it in the spotlight for the rest of us in ‘normal’ jobs too. It get’s people talking, and that’s exactly what we need to do.

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3. Laura bates

While Laura might not be known internationally, she is a force to be reckoned with in the UK. Her Ted Talk and book of the same name ‘Everyday Sexism’ is an incredible piece of work. Personally, I read this and felt both sad and strengthened. I realised that it was ok to get pissed off when someone touched me, made me out to be just a sexual object or made fun of me for my gender. I basically did a U turn on a lot of things because I read her research, her statistics and her stats, I talked about things I’d never thought I could before  and it was all because of Laura. download (1)

4. Emma Watson

Again, a huge reason that I am now such a proud feminist. Emma’s He for She speech spoke to me as someone who didn’t want to use the label feminist and who resisted it at all costs.Emma is one of the amazing women of my generation who is reclaiming the word and what feminism means, as well as talking about real equality between the sexes. 0f6d1ce1e7f99e8b5a2be97b77a0ab8e

5. Sylvia Plath

There are a lot of arguments about whether or not Plath is a feminist. She is to me because she acknowledges the struggle between wanting a family and wanting a career. She believes she can be anything, but she also has self doubt. Her work on the 1950s and 1960s and the attitude towards women is something really incredible, as is the character of Esther in The Bell Jar. Plath is one of my heroes because she isn’t perfect and she doesn’t 100% seem to know what she believes, she changes her mind as as she gets older and I can’t help but resonate with that.

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6. Caitlin Moran

I have to include the woman who had me walking/ hobbling around my house shouting ‘I’m a feminist’, while clutching a copy of her book. Ah Caitlin Moran, what has the world done to deserve you. I’d read how to be a woman when I was about 12 and thought it was weird and terrifying and ended up throwing it in a fit of grossness. Fast forward to the age of 21 and it’s one of my favourite books. It’s funny, honest and makes you think. It’s thanks to Caitlin I am a feminist, I am a proud feminist and that I’m not afraid to say it loudly to anyone. All her other books are amazing too.

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7. J.K Rowling

Think about the women in the Harry Potter series they are almost all strong, independent and good. The fact that one of the main characters in one of the biggest selling series’ of all time was a girl with bushy hair, big teeth and a love for books,  while being friends with two boys and the smartest witch of her age. It gave those of us who didn’t always fit in someone to read about who was like us, it made being the smart girl cool! Women were not weak in the Harry Potter books (unlike some of the movies), they were often the strength and intelligence. For a lot of girls, she changed the way they saw themselves and saw the world, including me.

 

 

I do not own any of these images, they are the products of very talented people I found online. 

Beautiful Brighton Conference and Chloe Break 

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Yesterday I was invited down to the beautiful Brighton by The Student Room to be the only student representative in the country to speak at an international conference for Social Media in Higher Education at CASE. 

Although I could have stayed the night before too, I decided to brave rush hour because I’d only just come back from being in Basingstoke and, you know, I do kind of like Ali ;). So I arrived for 9am slightly asleep but soon chatting to other people including the other people who were on my panel. For those of you who signed the ‘Save BBC 3 campaign’ Jono started and led that campaign, I was a little awestruck when I met him. 

The conference itself was good but also at times hard to understand because it was specific to some things I haven’t come across in my role yet. I tried to learn as much as I could, make contacts and generally enjoy the day. I didn’t realise what a big deal our panel was until we started it. We had a lot of people approach us through the day about our work on the student room. 

It was weird, I didn’t feel very nervous about what I was actually speaking about, instead, I felt like this was something I was confident to speak about and that took away some of the nerves. Well that and I already knew it was a nice crowd who wanted to help, that’s always a bonus. It was really well received thankfully and some lovely tweets went out after we spoke, including from one of my bosses who was also attending. 

   
   
Before I came back to the hosting hotel for dinner, I was able to check into my own hotel – MyHotel Brighton for the night. I was shocked to find myself in a huge double room, very chic and with one of the comfiest beds I’ve ever slept in. I was a little excited… 

  
Dinner was a chance to talk to people again, although everyone else was staying for the full two days, whereas mine was just for the day of my slot. There was some really quite hilarious chat on my table, including educating an American on British comedy he should watch. 

Jono and I both had early starts the next day and so were one of the first to leave. We were both surprised to receive chocolates and a card to say thank you from CASE for our work and taking the time to speak. The whole day gave me a lot of confidence in my own abilities to become a Marketing and Social Media Coordinator as a job when I leave uni. 

This morning, before I had to get a train back to London, I enjoyed my breakfast before taking a stroll around Brighton, the North Laines, The Brighton Pavillion and along the beach, taking in some Spring sun. 

  
On a personal note I’m proud of beating my anxiety over the head. I was so worried and nervous about going to the conference that I only had 4 hours sleep the night before. It was also the first time I’d gone away and stayed alone, but it was nice to have some time for myself in the hotel. 

Now I’m sat at the O2 with my Mum, sister and cousin waiting to see The Vamps with them (don’t judge me, free concert ticket and time with the girls). I’m absolutely shattered but at the same time really proud of kicking my anxieties butt and achieving something. Although, I am looking forward to getting into bed tonight without setting an alarm. 

Book Review: Before We Met – Lucie Whitehouse

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While Hannah waits for her husband’s flight to come in, she is none the wiser that her life is about to change. What begins as Mark missing his flight steadily spirals into something much more. As Hannah begins to investigate it appears that she has indeed become too complacent in the role of dutiful wife. As she goes deeper she starts to wonder how much can you really know about a person before you met them?

I’d heard great things about this novel, it had been compared to others such as Before I Go To Sleep. If it had such rave reviews and a hint of mystery surely I would absolutely love and devour it within a few hours? Well one part was true, I did read it within two days but found myself struggling along for at least the first few chapters. I wanted Hannah to take back the independence and the fiery attitude of a young girl who’s survived New York alone! Come on Hannah, where are you? I found her to be easily influenced and not what I would expect from the little I knew about her character.

As other reviews have mentioned Whitehouse is very keen on description, however, the majority of the time it just seemed a little bit like cotton wool. I felt like the story was just being fluffed up by endless description when I was hungrily pawing through trying to find more action within the novel and more depth to Hannah’s character. It was almost as if she was wrapped up in so much description that we couldn’t build a relationship with her. Also, the character of Mark left a lot to the imagination. I wanted to know more about him, about what kind of a man he is it all seemed a little too positive and too innocent for my liking for a large part of the novel.

Overall I’ll admit this wasn’t one of my favourite novels. I found myself rushing to the end only to be quite disappointed and in my view the majority of moments where there could have been gripping suspense were glossed over quite easily and left something lacking within the novel. I’m going to give it three stars *** I generally have mixed feelings. I doubt I would read it again but if you’re not looking for something that will keep you up all night, but still want a little bit of mystery then this novel might be for you. Sadly it wasn’t my cup of tea.

 

Death by Dissertation??

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At least once a week I’m faced with a crippling fear and enormous self doubt as the result of trying to work on my dissertation. For someone who’s not done a dissertation before, they may think I’m being dramatic, it’s not that hard, right? Wrong. I honestly thought I was so behind but after meeting up with some fellow third years to work on a group project that they also feel as stressed and confused as I am.

My dissertation, something I so looked forward to, had turned into the bane of my existence. I’m now on my  3rd draft and have so much more to do, before it’s finished next month. I’ll have whole days where I’m like ‘yeah let’s get this done’ and then mornings like today where I just want to sit and cry in my duvet and contemplating printing my dissertation and then setting fire to it, obviously that won’t help but in my sleep deprived state it’s entertaining.

I never thought I’d be this stressed or worked up about a project I’d chosen to do. The last haul is definitely the hardest but I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve been working on the parts I love for a long time and now it’s come to editing and reading more critical theory (ENOUGH ALREADY!). I just keep chanting, one more month, one more month.

It’s weird because I love academics normally, I love to write. Hell, you guys are stuck with my notifications every day! I’m just excited to be done with these and finally start my book and have all my passion and energy do into fiction rather than quotes on Marxist Feminism and the role of women in the 1950s.

For any of you also tackling your dissertations, good luck! For those of you who have completed one, what do you suggest to celebrate when I finally finish!

Easter Haul 2016!

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Hello you lovely lot! I hope everyone had a chilled Easter weekend, I did take a bit of time off from the blog to spend time with family and friends, including watching one of my oldest friends get drunk on his 23rd birthday last night. So I’ll hold my hands up and admit that this blog is a little late but I hope you can all forgive me.

Now, my Mum is a big kid, any and every holiday is a big deal so are birthdays and just any celebration. This year she warned us she might have gone a ‘little overboard’ on our annual easter egg hunt. Ali still finds it hilarious that at the age of 21 I’m still so competitive with my little sister. As well as the hunt we have a lot of family and get easter eggs from them too, so much chocolate and my will power is wavering.

In the end I got 8 eggs for easter, I have about 12 creme eggs around, various little bits and pieces, a Star Wars mini egg,big and small Kinder eggs, a Terrys Chocolate Orange, Mini Eggs, Oreo Eggs, Caramel egg and some Hello Panda Biscuits. Phew. Now, I could be a little piggy and eat them all to myself shouting ‘sod the diet’, but I’m not. I’ve shared some of it with Ali so far and plan to share more and I went back to the gym today and enjoyed it.

More than anything I think Easter is such a chilled holiday, I’m not religious at all so for my family it quite literally is chocolate day. I loved being at home and spending time with my family, I know these eggs are going to have to keep me motivated to finish all the assignments I have to get done before May 3rd. Being around them all certainly calmed me down a bit about everything I have to get done but now it’s over and I’m back to work!

Sunday Seven: Stand Out Concerts

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Today I took my sister to see Little Mix (her christmas present from me). The concert was full of little girls, decked head to toe in Little Mix clothes, singing their hearts out and dancing to every single song. It really took me back, when I was growing up concerts were a big thing for me and my Mum, we went to a lot of concerts. I remember Mum sitting on the phone trying to get tickets to this concert or that (this was the early ’00, no internet shopping!). So as I’ve grown up and gotten into my own music I’ve gone to concerts as much as possible, spending my money on nights at venues rather than nights out. So here are just 7 of the amazing concerts that really stood out in my mind. No judging!

Spice Girls – 1999 

Way back in ’99 (yes I’m that old), my Mum, my pregnant Aunt and I went to Earls Court to watch the Spice Girls. I was obsessed with them from the age of 2 and the obsession carried on, even now I’m watching the rumors of a 20th reunion tour like a hawk. At the age of 4 it was the best day of my life, I ended up being on the TV filming (well the huge banner I made way anyway) and Victoria Beckham (then Adams) waved at me, putting me in serious doubt about who my favourite Spice Girl was. What a choice for little Chloe to make!

Busted – 2006 

Between going to the Spice Girls and going to Busted I’d gone to a few more concerts but this was the first one with guitars. REAL GUITARS. People won’t call Busted a band, that’s fine, but to me they played guitars which was the coolest thing. I also got to see Mcfly as the support act before they were a thing which was really cool. Unfortunately we didn’t know at the time I had Glandular Fever. I was really sick and only made it through about 2 songs before falling asleep on my feet and having to be taken home by Mum and Dad.

Paramore – 2010 

Ah, my first concert that I went to without my Mum. Ali and I got tickets to go and see Paramore for the first time at the O2. Of course I fell in love, I fell in love with the band dynamic, the way five people came to be one and just rocked out. It was the first time I thought, yeah, I could do this band thing. I’d always wanted to perform but there was something about this concert, at a time where I was really struggling in my final year at school, and this just gave me hope and joy.

Deaf Havana – 2013 

The first time I got to meet a band that I really loved. I moved into halls on the Friday, explored and got used to things on the Saturday and missed the welcome BBQ to go and see a band…sounds like me. It was amazing to go to a record store, watch a small and intimate set and then meet a band I’d admired for years. The first of many in store meet and greets.

Paramore – 2013

Paramore make the list again because this was a concert that was at a tough period in my life too. It was also the first time that Ali stayed at my flat in first year (not something that happened often because it was tiny). I think going to this concert gave me the push to be in a band again. I’d just started uni, my old band had broken up and I felt a little lost. I went to this show with my best friend, cried during a song and came home feeling in love with music again. Paramore will always be my favourite band. Always.

We Are the in Crowd – 2014 

Another meet and greet, I met WATIC twice in 2014 and was at the last show before they had to cancel the rest of their tour. It was so cool to just chat to these people who has been part of the soundtrack to my life and just chill with them and eat pizza before watching an absolutely incredible show. I’d seen them both acoustic and electric in the space of 24 hours, a really awesome time.

Ed Sheeran – 2015 

This might seem a little odd to be on the list. I went to see Ed at the O2 Arena, I really liked his stuff but wasn’t expecting to be blown away. It’s honestly the best pop concert I’ve ever been to. Just him, his guitar and a pedal board. I’ve never seen someone so talented on their own. It was nothing short of incredible.

I could easily fill multiple blogs with how much I love concerts and live music. In the next month alone I have 2 concerts with my sister (The Vamps and 5 Second of Summer), PVRIS with Ali and I’m hoping to book a lot more, although most of my favourite bands have either just finished touring or are currently writing/ taking a break. Roll on the next round of tours!

Hometimes and Migraines

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I know that I’ve been very all over the place with my blogs, all of the social media. Life in general has been a bit all over the place with everything that’s going on, my body still getting itself set up after being poorly, having a nightmare Dissertation to finish, assignments piling up and trying to tackle work alongside it. So when my Mum offered to come back pick me up on Wednesday instead of me having to drive back, of course I said yes.

While I’m so pleased to be at home, I haven’t exactly had the most restful time. My first night I left my door open, thinking the cat could come in and out, maybe cuddle him a little. What I didn’t bank on was the dog (who isn’t small by the way) deciding she’d rather share a bed with me, cute. The only problem with that is that Lottie will start small, curled on the end of the bed like a little angel then spreads out. As well as that, the cat was running around and meowing for cuddles. Then the dog ate the cat food, the cat freaked out and when I looked up it was 4am. Not great.

The next night my door was firmly shut, Mum had the animals in with her, I was going to get a good night’s sleep, get up in the morning and go for breakfast. Yes. More like no. I spent most of the night clutching my head just wanting to sleep, woke up with the same headache before realising it was a migraine and remembering I’d forgotten my migraine tablets. Oh. I always get them through lack of sleep, it’s the one thing that is sure to give me a migraine and it leaves me on my ass.

Now I’ve only got tonight and tomorrow night at home and while I’m a bit irritated that I left my tablets and have been migrainey, I loved having my family around me, my crazy pets. If Ali and my Hammies were here too I’d just fully relax. Despite everything crazy that is going on around me I’m grateful that I’ve got at least some stability somewhere in the crazy. Hopefully the migraine will leave me to enjoy my final full day at home!