One of those meltdown days

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Today has been one of those days where I just sat, freaked out and had a bit of a cry over the work that I have to do. Even though I know that my dissertation is in a place where I will be able to submit on time. So far I’ve never handed in a piece of work late at university, I may have had an extension of a few days, but nothing’s been capped for being late. I’m not about to start now.

There is still a lot to do here. I’m hoping to submit my dissertation on Friday, then I have a 5000 word essay to write and submit and then a 3000 word essay to finish and submit and ARGHHH. I think that’s enough to enable anyone to have a little meltdown. I might sound like I’m moaning and some people will think that I’m being more than just a little OTT, but this is hard work. Especially when my bed time has become 3am and I have been writing like crazy between the hours of 12 and 3. Not ideal.

So, hopefully I’ll make it through the next two weeks and be able to come out of it feeling a little more well rested and more positive. Wish me luck!

Sunday Seven – Seven Dr Seuss Quotes to Live By

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Lately I’ve come across a lot of really awesome Dr Seuss quotes and they’ve just made me wonder at his mind. I’m going to start counting him as one of my heroes. I won’t lie I have been feeling pretty rough lately and having confidence doubt about myself, my work and all that jazz. SO for this weeks (slightly late) Sunday Seven I wanted to share some of my quotes to live by the wonderful Dr Seuss.

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I want to scream this from the roof tops! I wish this was repeated to teenagers constantly. I wish I could say I was someone who wasn’t bothered by what other people say, but I am. I need to look at this quote sometimes to remind me of the people that matter.

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Ah, what a perfect quote for a bookworm. Book are one of the best and wonderful things that can really change a persons life. BOOK FOR THE WIN!

 

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I feel like I should put this on gym clothes and just have it made into a huge canvas to put in my future office/writing room. Everyone has been at that point where they’ve thought, why should I carry on? Why bother. Hell I feel like this now while I’m in the final few weeks of my degree but the magic Dr Seuss has made me feel a hell of a lot better.

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I know that for a long time I was consumed by my past. I was so terrified and stuck in the past that I wasn’t making the most of my present and future. This is really important especially when I’m about to go into the unknown. I’m determined to not be stuck in the past, I want to embrace the future are really take in what’s around me.1cbe9bd21bcddfd88f275d828656e69e

This is SO important. It’s a quote I keep going back to when I’m feeling really down. I might be struggling, but there is only one me. There is only one me and no one else can do what I do or has what makes me, me. And that’s pretty cool.

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When you were a teenager, didn’t you just wish you were normal? Just beg and pray at night to fit in and not be a freak. When you’re a teenager, especially one that doesn’t quite fit in, normal seems like a perfect thing. The older I’ve gotten, and I know I’m still pretty odd to some people, I still don’t fit into one square. My quirks make me, me and it’s part of what makes my successes happen. I love this because most of the best and most successful people are ‘odd’ and god damn it I really want to be one of them now and never slip into normal. Screw normal.  06971f03ccc83abf85df467b07a8950a

This, this, this, this. Another quote that I keep going back to at the moment. The past year has been life changing and it’s going to happen again. Sometimes I get sad thinking that university is going to be over soon or the fact that I’ll probably never ride again, things like that. I think it’s natural, but like this quote says I need to try and appreciate them for all the good times. Because damn, the past three years really have been full of good times.

5 things I wish I’d known before going into Third Year

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With third year coming to an end and my graduation looming I sat and thought about what I wish I’d known before I’d gone into third year. I won’t lie, this has been a tough year not just because the pressure was kicked up a gear at uni, but also because of stuff going on in my personal life. Either way here are 5 things I wish I’d known, that might just help future third years out!

1. You have a LOT of reading to do, get it done.

Trying to read all of my primary weekly texts, the additional theory, 30 secondary sources for dissertation, 15 secondary sources for my special study, and oh yeah MORE secondary sources for the other two modules. There’s a lot of reading to be done this year. Do as much of it in advance as you can and thank yourself later. Also, get used to the library, it’s going to be your second home.

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2. You will want to take naps like you’ve never wanted naps before.

I never used to be able to sleep in the day, at all unless I hadn’t slept at night (ahem, party animals in the flat next door). Now I feel like naps are the only way to keep me awake at night long enough to work on my assignments.

3. You’re allowed to struggle.

I spent most of my third year pretending to myself and my lecturers that uni was a breeze, that I had my shit together and of course I was ok. Fast forward to a month before my dissertation was due, I’m in tears in my supervisor’s office feeling like I couldn’t possibly get a good mark on this bit of work. For some reason I felt like I had to just project this air of confidence this year, maybe it was to make myself feel better? Either way if you’re struggling go and talk to your lecturers. Don’t make my mistake and wait until it all gets too much, it’s a stressful time and lecturers understand that.

4. Sleep is a wonderful thing, and during the final few weeks you will feel like you have never had enough. 

Yes I’m mentioning sleep again. Right now I have no sleep schedule. Some days I’ll be fine to be wide awake bright and early, go to the gym, work on my assignments and eat a healthy amount of food. Other days I’m writing until 2am, wake up a lot in the night or just don’t sleep at all. No matter how much sleep I do or don’t get I’m always exhausted. The brain is doing a lot of hard work right now people!

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5. You’re going to feel confused and excited and sad and have ALL OF THE FEELS, because this is a weird point of your life. 

I didn’t realise how all over the place emotionally I’d feel. On one hand I want to dig my nails in and never let go of uni ever because it’s the one place I’ve been happy to be in education. On the other hand I want to get all of my assignments done and out of the way and never spend another evening writing up references. I find myself getting emotional at the strangest times and other times I just shrug and get on with things. It’s a very weird time but I’m hoping, come July 27th when I officially have a degree it will have all been worth it.

One Down, Three to Go.

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Hello, hello, hello!

Sorry for wandering off for a few days, I’ve been up to my ears in assignments as well as acquiring a particularly nasty chest infection too. This week has been big in terms of third year, I had my final lecture on Tuesday, have started packing up the flat as we’ve handed our notice in for July and today I finally submitted one of my longer assignments, my piece on autobiographical poetry. I’ll never be a part of my Writing Women class again!!

I’ve been working on it for a pretty long time and, although I have absolutely no idea as to how it’s going to grade (obviously I’m hoping well) I’ve kind of just decided to live with it. I’ve done what I consider my best with the time and the pressures I’ve had. It’s done, gone and submitted and it actually feels like a quarter of the weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Now all I need to do is make sure that my dissertation is ready to be submitted in 10 days and then my other two essays after that. I will say that I think it’s kind of stupid to have all of our essays clumped together. It’s frustrating because we haven’t had the questions for two of them very long and, I suppose I am nervous about writing and finishing them both on time. BUT I am super determined to get it done. I can almost taste the freedom. So close, but so far.

Stress and Our Bodies!

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Now this isn’t the first time I’ve written about stress on this blog and I was pretty hesitant to write tonight with the fear of seeming like I’m moaning or one of those people who just drones on about how stressful their life is. BUT. I’ve realised lately, particularly through the lovely Twitter community that unless we talk about these things they won’t get better.

I’ve been reading again lately about mindfulness and CBT (which I’ve already been taught to do and helps me along). All I’ve heard lately from my peers is how stressed, exhausted and teary eyed we’ve all been because of the upcoming deadlines. A lot of people I know have been getting sick, not sleeping, random bouts of tears or having panic attacks. It got me thinking about stress and how much it can have an impact on people’s bodies and why we still won’t talk about it and just accept it as part of our daily lives.

Once again I’ve been tucked up in bed and had a sleepless night because my body has reacted badly to academic stress. This is roughly the third time I’ve been this poorly. The first was the year I was sitting my GCSE’s I was very poorly all year from a combination of my undiagnosed depression and stress from my classes and bullying. The second time was the run up to the big deadlines for my BTEC and A Levels. During my final (and most important) exam I spent the night up with sickness and a bad headache, and the proceeded to throw up in my exam…not my best moment. This time, of course it’s related to being in third year, and like my final year of school I’ve been poorly for most of the academic year.

I’m never usually this poorly when it comes to other types of stress. Working two jobs? Awesome. Keeping my house good at the same time? Done. But submitting essays and assignments is a whole different level of stress, even though I enjoy it and when I’m done I’m so proud. I’m getting better at trying to manage how the stress and how it affects my body but I do have a condition that’s hard to manage. It’s been proven that anxiety and IBS go hand in hand, which isn’t good news to me as my diagnoses is only a month old and I’m learning a lot fast in a highly stressful time in my life.

I guess what I’m trying to say (and I am writing this on only a few hours sleep) is that we need to realise that stress is a trigger for a lot of health problems and we need to recognise it. Over the summer I’m planning to look into mindfulness as a way to try and tackle my anxiety and therefore my IBS as well as carrying on to consider my diet, which plays a HUGE part in IBS.

I’m also trying to remember that the last 2 times I got sick and worried and cried a lot over my perfectionism in relation to grades (which may I add is only put on by myself, no one else puts pressure on me at all) it all turned out ok. I got really good results in my GCSE’s and my A Levels. I’m just trying to remind myself through all this that it’s been ok in the past and that I’m doing the best I can physically and mentally do right now and I guess that’s all I can do.

 

As always I’d love to hear from you guys, how to do react to stress? Do you have any tips for me? Leave a comment below!

Sunday Seven: My Top Pics of the year so far 

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Something a little different for tonight’s Sunday Seven. Here’s some of my favourite pictures I’ve taken so far this year. 

   
When it comes to the Hamsters I madly click away at the camera hoping to get a good shot, this one of getting a kiss from Hamski is one of my favourites. 

 
It’s very rare to get a picture of my camera shy Ali and even rarer to get one of him smiling. I may not look my best here but damn we look happy, and that’s all that counts. 

   
This selfie is in here because it made me really proud of the conference I was at and how I looked after months at the gym. 

 
A picture from awards night, this just shows how alike my Mum and I look. She’s the woman I most admire as well as being damn hot. 

   
This picture perfectly captures the newest edition to the family and his curiosity. 

 Her eyes may be half shut but this reminds me how close Noodle has gotten to me in the past few months, a mummy’s girl at heart. 

  Sleeping Angel. Lots being fiercely protective when I was very poorly earlier in the year.  

Hey North Carolina, Hate Won’t Win.

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The internet has been flooded today with people’s anger and disgust at North Carolina’s new Bathroom Law, a direct attack on Trans people that dictates the bathrooms that they can use. Aside from this, the run up to the law being passed was was filled with hatred and lies about the Trans community. An outcry of uneducated people stating that Trans people will molest others in bathrooms, lead to a lot of people freaking out and hating on the Trans community even more. It was another lie for transphobic senators to get their own way and gain power over a minority.

Although I’m still very shocked that this bill could have even gone through, the reactions of the rest of the world has made me feel better. Concerts have been cancelled, conventions have been cancelled and companies are pulling out of activities and sponsorships related to the state. These actions send a powerful message to the government, hate will not win. It also says that we stand with the Trans community.

We will keep fighting and hate will not win.

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Endings and Motivation

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In 25 days I will have handed in every piece of my undergraduate degree and it will be over. Three years of my time, effort, tears, endurance will all be submitted for review, marking and then the terrifying final mark to determine what degree I get. Yesterday I completed the final presentation on my literature degree and while I won’t say that I’ll miss them (academic presentations drive me mad) it was strange to think that I won’t have to do this again. I’m not complaining.

It was also a time to be around the rest of my year, all of which have the same panics and anxieties as me. Dissertations need to be written, essay topics need to be finalised, research needs to still be done and most importantly we bonded over our lack of sleep. Despite all that I found myself this morning really lagging in motivation. I want it all over but at the same time I’ve sat down to write and nothing is coming. I’m hoping that going out with my sister tonight will take my mind off of things and that the Sunday – Tuesday block of work I’ve set myself will work and beat the motivational slump I’m faced with at the moment.

I’ve always wanted to be open on this blog and so I will tell you how my assignments are going. My 10,000 word dissertation is still in a bit of a mess, it’s dragging and I cannot wait to finish and submit it with my supervisors approval. My 6000 word special study piece is written, but I have no idea if it’s right. My lecturer will only read the first page of drafts and so, essentially, we’re all going in blind, which is terrifying but, again, I’m looking forward to submitting it as I kind of like this essay. My Theory and Global Literature Essays are still in planning. We haven’t really had a lot of information so far but I think I’ve managed to plan out two good essays, now I just have to write and edit them.

The problem is, all I can think about is all the other things I want to do when it’s over! Honestly, I’m ready to go on to new things. I’m looking forward to starting a new job and having a new role in my life, I’m looking forward to going and finding a new home for Ali and I and overwhelmingly I’m looking forward to picking up some of my hobbies again when my evenings aren’t filled with dusty books that I’m looking over for the 10th time to find a quote that matches. It’s confusing because it’s also making me question a lot of what I thought I’d do with my future, will I still want to do my Masters in September? Will I even want to do a PhD at all? I don’t need to answer those questions now but they’re tucked away.

I know that all of us who are slaving away over our final few weeks need to hear two things, ‘You can do this’ and ‘it’s all going to be ok’.  I’ve definitely noticed my family calling a little more to check on me at the moment and I’m grateful, I think I might sink into madness without someone outside the academic world to talk to and, you know, they’re my family so they’re willing to listen to me ranting on a bit.

So to end this post, (a post that I’m not sure makes total sense but it does in my tired, tired brain) talking to all of the fellow students I know who catch up with my blog. You can do this and it’s going to be ok. And that, ladies and gentleman will be my mantra for the next few months when all those exciting and terrifying changes are happening around me and I hope they’ll be yours too.

Book Review: Good Girls – Laura Ruby

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One picture can change your life…

 

This review is something special for me, this is the first YA novel I really fell in love with and started my love for the genre.

Meet Audrey Porter, one of the smartest students in school, advanced by a year, has good friends,a good family and is to be honest a fairly normal person. She’s known at school as a smart kid. No more, no less. That is until one photo changes her entire life. After photos come to light of her doing something that good girls just don’t do, Audrey has to learn the hard way that people will believe absolutely anything.  And after the photo is posted to her parents Audrey realises that she’s going to have to grow up. Fast.

Although many people will not have heard of this book I think that Laura Ruby is on to an absolute goldmine. I read this novel back when I was around 13 years old. I knew nothing about sex and the word ‘sexting’ hadn’t even started really being used yet, but Ruby was able to come up with this plot in the early days. I see this novel as a cautionary tale, although not in a direct way to the plot. We have to remember that in regards to the picture, Audrey has not sent it herself but somehow everyone finds out and everyone makes an assumption about her  (much like what has been happening in the media lately).

Despite what happens to our protagonist and her alienation, the novel still manages to be funny and charming. Until I moved to university this novel sat with my all time favourites, chiefly because we don’t have a boring heroine who mopes around when her life is ‘ruined’. Audrey is the kind of character that reminds you, your mistakes in school don’t make you who you are for the rest of your life. I’m sure many teens find themselves in a similar situation, if not with photographic evidence,then rumours as these can be just as bad. On top of this, the novel deals  with the whole idea of  casual encounters and the whole experience of ‘the first time’. Ruby captures the curiosity as well as the honest truth when it comes to losing your virginity. As I said before, I knew nothing about sex when I first read the novel and even I found it quite informative as well as entertaining!

I couldn’t rate this book highly enough because I honestly think it is a great novel for teenagers. It’s honest, it speaks to them and it is something to make a girl thing. Audrey is a brilliant example for girls to follow. As I said before she doesn’t just sit and cry, she realises what has happened and makes adult decisions despite being apprehensive. It is because of this I give the novel 5 stars *****, I absolutely adored it and think it is a must for any teenage girl.