Thoughts at 2am…

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I thought that by now, with less pressure and less stress in my life I would be happily curled up and asleep at 2am, but apparently it’s a good time to write. It’s quiet here and just leaves me alone with my thoughts. It’s nights like this were I’ve tried everything your supposed to do that I just turn to writing instead, which some people will nag ‘the light of your computer will wake you up more!’ but honestly nothing’s getting me to sleep right now. I don’t like mentioning or talking about the pain in my spine still bothering me but lately it hasn’t been at it’s best. I’ve been sat in a very rigid chair for about 10 hours a day for the past few weeks, for anyone’s spine that would cause problems, for mine it’s hell. So while I’m trying to wait for the second lot of painkillers to kick in I thought, why not let my mind wander, see where I end up.

I’ve been trying to fall asleep for a few hours so a lot has been going through my head, just thoughts zipping past like cars on a motorway. One keeps coming back to me though, I suppose it’s because of an essay I was writing today, I can’t seem to escape the bloody things even when they’re done! I was thinking that pain, in all it’s forms is something that makes us human. When a person is in so much pain, mentally or physically, they will let go of what they thought they knew, sometimes of their opinions and prejudices, all that matters is stopping that pain, unless you are incredibly stupid that is. Great pain is a humbling experience. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you come from or anything like that pain and fear make us all the same, because it is.

I’m a true believer that once someone has experienced true pain in their lives it will change them for good. For some people it will make them bitter, angry, resentful. For others pain makes them appreciate more, try and be more compassionate and understanding as a person. For a long time after my spine broke I would be angry, I’d be filled with tears and hatred that my body had let me down. Thousands of people fell off horses all day, why did it happen to me! Why did the doctors risk it! Why did my notes keep getting lost! I was miserable and honestly the anger was just making me more tired, more sad. I’m not saying people aren’t allowed that time, of course they are. In the words of John Green ‘pain demands to be felt’, I know I needed that time because I was so upset and heartbroken and unsure of the future. If you were told that there was a chance you might just lose the ability to walk by trying to walk (and do the one thing that would make you better in the long run), wouldn’t you be?

I held on to the pain and frustration for a long time, I was convinced that I was just a burden and there was no point to anything when it took me so long to take a few steps, when going out somewhere meant having to take my wheelchair or that I had to sit while everyone else could stand. I wish I could tell you there was a wonderful eureka moment where I let go of it all, where I just went ‘ok, enough is enough let’s get on.’ I was always carrying on but after time and after I learnt what my body needed and how to start managing the pain I felt a little calmer, a little more able to deal with the world.

I would never wish my injury on anyone, the fact that it’s causing me to be awake at 2am the day before my final deadline because of physical pain is not a fun thing BUT I do believe that it’s made me into a better person. The injury taught me more than I would have believed it could. I quickly learnt that life was what you made of it when you got given something shitty. I learnt that as much as I wanted to organise everything for the next 30 years I couldn’t. I learnt that life is a mess a terrifying, wonderful and always evolving mess and you just fit in where you can. I realised I was allowed to take a break and not be this built up image of ‘perfect’ I’d associated with myself. Am I annoyed that I might not get the first I worked for because of the early days of fuzzy pain? Of course I am. Am I going to let it taint my whole university experience, final year and the progress I have made? No. Likewise I learnt what I need in friends and that I can be alone comfortably more than I give myself credit for. I learnt that I can handle a lot more than I can give myself credit for and that while my body might not look like a magazine cover, it’s mine and it’s actually a pretty amazing thing. Being in horrific pain lead me to most of this, which is something so strange to me. Either way, the past is the past and my future is my future so I’m going to see what I can do with these experiences and be the best person I can be.

Thank you!

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Hello, hello, hello! I want to say a massive thank you to all you wonderful people for the response of not only my blog yesterday but some of the fab conversations I got to have on Twitter too! I did have a little moment of ‘I don’t know if I can finish all of this’ and it helped that I had such lovely people commenting, liking and tweeting me, it means a lot. Tomorrow I will be submitting my final assignment of my undergraduate degree and that is crazy to me. It feels so insanely good to know that as long as the marks come back ok I’ve worked hard and achieved a goal that I didn’t know if I could. There are a lot of people who have helped me along the way, both encouraging me in real life and online. My blog has given me somewhere to talk to the world and realise that most of the time I’m not alone in how I’m feeling.

That little nudge of ‘you’re going to be ok’, even if it’s from a complete stranger can really change someone’s day. I couldn’t sit and write a ‘normal; post because I just felt so much gratitude, there are some people on here that have subscribed from the first few days and I feel like I’ve come on this journey with me. Of course this is just the start of a brand new chapter in my life which, of course, I’ll be blogging and I’m hoping to have a little bit of a change up on here…maybe, but you will soon see. Like I said yesterday there’s a lot that I want to do once I finally submit the final essay. So really just thank you to everyone who’s read, commented, liked, tweeted, instagrammed, emailed, I read each and every one and really appreciate it and hopefully as I progress the blog will grow too!

 

You can buy the above print and have it made into adorable cards, there is a link on Pinterest.

The Freedom List!

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I’m so close to getting everything submitted that I can smell the freedom, on Tuesday at 11am it’s all done. I go out for a drive in my car and just take in lungfuls of fresh air, because I know that soon enough I’ll be back in the flat looking at a screen and an essay that bores me almost to tears. Last night I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to try and get down my ‘freedom list’, things that I’m looking forward to doing once I haven’t got any more academic pressure on me. I know I’ll be moving and looking for work but it’s going to be nice to have some spare time again! To be able to pick up a book or go for a walk without feeling guilty for leaving two essays on the table! I’m adding to this list day by day but here it is so far!

  • Finish my Cosplay outfit for MCM in May – I have most of the pieces now I just have to put it all together and get a few accessories
  • Start writing my own book, finally! – I still love writing but it’ll be so nice to just be in charge of what I’m writing, take my time and not have to show it to anyone until I’M ready. I have a few chapter plans and some great ideas, can’t wait to get them on to paper!
  • Read for FUN – Ohh I’m going to shrink my TBR pile!
  • Start my Youtube Channel – Keep your eyes peeled!
  • Go to Richmond Park – this one can wait until we get some sun.
  • Get some good sleep.
  • Buy my Kingston Uni Hoodie!
  • Get my haircut and eyebrows waxed, feel slightly more like a person and less like a werewolf…
  • Go to the V&A
  • Go to Madame Tussauds
  • Play my ukelele more
  • Write whatever I damn want
  • Get back into a gym routine!
  • Go to Durham to visit Ali’s family
  • Find a new car (sorry Harry, I think 20 is the year to retire)

It may looks like a lot but there are no pressure with these, they’re things I can pick up and then change my mind, things I’m in control of. Although job hunting will be happening soon, I’m taking a well deserved few weeks off to recharge and just do what I feel like and recharging my batteries.

As always I love to hear from you, what’s fun on your to-do list? Leave me a comment or a Tweet!

 

 

I found the beautiful image on Pinterest by the way!

Book Review: One Step Too Far – Tina Seskis

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‘They’ll be better off without me’ 

Heartbroken and pushed to her limit Emily makes a decision that many of us only dream of, she walks out of her life.

Have you ever looked at the departures board at a train station and just thought Why don’t I just go, leave all of this behind me and just leave? The answer? You have. You can lie to yourself all you want but each and every one of us at some point have just wanted to leave and start a fresh. At the start of the novel we don’t understand Emily’s motives but we are deeply aware something has gone wrong. Leaving with the memories of her husband and son Emily gets on a train to London and attempts not to look back. As she quickly learns the ways of a London runaway Emily, now reinvented as Cat, tries desperately to shake off her past although it always comes back to haunt her…

The novel is intertwined between a mix of characters, Emily, Cat, Ben, Caroline, Frances and Angel to name a few. While this makes One Step Too Far interesting and puts together the pieces of the puzzle it is also a little confusing at times. You generally know  who is speaking but there are always questions, where are they? What is the time period that this part is set in?  For example the novel starts from Emily’s perspective and it appears to be pretty straight forward, we are then transported to the birth of twin girls and a mother who simply does not have enough love for two. That quick change is very important to the novel later on but doesn’t seem to make much sense initially. I’m quite used to novels like this however I think that for some readers this may become pretty complicated. I don’t say this lightly, even I had to go back sometimes and re read to make sure I actually understood what was going on. There were some important things towards the end that I missed and others that didn’t make sense to me until a much later point, although I do believe this was Seskis’ intention.  This is true of the ending of the novel, about 90% of the way though I got very confused and a little frustrated because of a significant change. As my regular readers know I don’t like spoiling things for you so I can’t reveal why I was so irritated at one point.

Despite any irritation I felt towards the end (although may I add this was resolved by the last page), the character of Emily/Cat fascinated me. I feel that Seskis has tapped into a gold mine after creating this plot in the sense that anyone can relate to Emily. She relates to our wildest desires of simply uprooting and getting away with it. I’m not saying I want to just dispensary but everyone’s had days where they wish they could reinvent themselves or just start over. That said I feel that Emily was made into a real person, it’s impossible to like her all the time. I sat with book in hand feeling so many emotions, I smiled at the happy times, I despaired at her lowest, I absolutely loathed her at times, I laughed occasionally and I gasped as I finally got to her darkest secret (although I’ll admit I was a little confused too).

I would generally recommend this novel to friends as I do think it is a good read, that said I do feel that sometimes there are too many twists and turns (especially at the end). I’ll give the novel 3 stars because it reflects my feelings of being right in the middle. I do like the plot and the characters but at the same time I struggled at times with quite important aspects and even now after finishing feel I may need to go back and re read some parts. I also felt that the ending kind of took away from some of the realism of the novel as a whole, however I would still recommend this to a friend as a good read.

Marvel Collector Corps: Captain America Civil War Unboxing and Review

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It’s that time again, my Marvel Collector Corps box has finally arrived after I’ve tracked it and have been clock watching to see when it would come. Now I did see some spoilers online a week ago but I was totally psyched and actually forgot all but one of the contents when it arrived this morning! As always this is going to go through ALL the contents so if you don’t want to know what’s in the box LOOK AWAY NOW! You have been warned. Now let’s get going and look into this box of wonder.

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Civil War, Whose Side Are You On T-Shirt

As far as I’m aware every box comes with a t-shirt and I’m in LOVE with this one. The shirt has a great design and is of a really good quality too, I can see myself using this shirt quite a lot and no guesses for what I’m wearing when I FINALLY get to see the movie next week.

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Exclusive Pin and Badge 

As with every crate you get a pin and badge, they are a cool design but I’m not sure what people do with them…so far mine just sit in a little box so if anyone has any suggestions for me leave them in the comments below!

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Black Panther Comic Book 

I’ve never encountered the character of Black Panter before so it was nice that this was included because I don’t think I’m the only one who needs a little more info about the background of Black Panther.

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Lanyard 

This was something I wasn’t expecting, if I’m honest this is a little strange for the box. Again it’s of a good quality and I’m sure I’ll find some use for it BUT I think it was added as an extra because of the two amazing boxed items that are also in there…

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Unmasked Tony Stark Dorb, exclusive to MCC. 

Now, I’ve mentioned on here before I’m not a Dorbz collector, not because I don’t think they’re cute simply because I don’t have the space or the money for another collection after my Pops and my comic books. I absolutely LOVE this it’s something really different and cute and a great addition to the box.

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Captain America/ Iron Man Action Stance Funko Pop 2 Pack 

I wondered when I ordered if it was going to be an either/or of Captain America or Iron Man. Now I already have 2 Captain America’s and 2 Iron Man’s so I wasn’t sure if I was going to keep this or not but seeing the action poses has definitely changed my mind. I mean, look how cool!

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Of course I was impressed by this box, wouldn’t you be? With two boxed items, a quality t-shirt and comic book it was well worth the money spent and once again a kick ass collection. Well done Marvel, definitely adding to the hype, bring on Civil War!

Am I ready for the end?

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As excited and happy as I was to see the back of my Dissertation and Special Study, my two biggest essays I’ve felt a little all over the place with my emotions for the past few days. I think it’s finally hitting that as soon as these assignments are over it’s the end of my time studying for my degree and slowly but surely everyone will start moving to various parts of the world and I’ve got to work this job thing out. I guess I’m struggling with the fact that I’ve built my life in this town and I have all these people I know, places I like and now I’m going to up and move again. While I’ve missed Basingstoke, I’m not the person I was when I was there, and I won’t be the doormat I was when I lived there. I want to carry on being this strong person but with so much change and uncertainty I can feel my anxiety rising.

As my Mum said this morning though, this is a new beginning. I’m trying to look forward and remember the person I am now is who I continue to be. Not being in uni doesn’t mean I revert to the anxious 18 year old I was when I left, or that I’m going to be as sick as I was. When you’re low it’s hard to think of these things. I’m also not putting too much pressure on myself to find the perfect job straight out of uni and be 100% independent in every single aspect, there’s going to be a time where things are a bit messy but I guess that’s ok.

I don’t really know what this post is, I guess just to get my thoughts out because I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. I’m also just struggling to be motivated to finish my assignments, there’s definitely been a lack of support at uni for the last few weeks which is a shame, so I don’t know if I’m doing things right or not. I guess I’m just a bundle of anxiety right now but a little over 1 week to go and it’s all over, I’m just wondering what happens next…

Sunday 7 – 7 Things I’ve Learnt Since Breaking My Spine

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I’ve been feeling fairly emotional in the last few weeks about today. It’s been one year since breaking my spine and I just feel kind of weird about it. I broke down in tears after a particularly bad pain day, because I’m still in all this pain a year later. I just felt so fed up but then I had a hug with Ali and he reminded me of what I’ve been saying to myself for the past 12 months. I may be in pain but I’m still here and I’m still walking. What happened to me was bad enough but it could have been a lot worse! I’ve also really grown as a person in the past year, my opinion on life has changed and I’m truly grateful. I wouldn’t go as far as saying that I’m glad it happened, it changed a lot and I didn’t have the best year BUT I am really proud of myself, how I’ve reacted and what I’ve learnt.

You can have all the ridged plans you want, but life doesn’t work that way.

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Before the accident, I had a plan of how my life would go and it would go that way. I was like I’ll graduate then and I’ll go straight to my masters, then my Phd. I’ll have a house by this time, a dog, a child, another child, I WILL HAVE CONTROL. I learnt after the accident that life can throw ANYTHING at you, there was a point where I physically couldn’t walk. Of course, I didn’t plan that, no one plans almost losing the ability to walk. It made me realise that I can’t have this idea of infinite control, so I’ve let go a little. Things will happen as they do, I only have so much control.

Stop being so hard on yourself! 

Recovery was hard, super hard. I constantly get told by my physiotherapists, pain specialists, lecturers, family, Ali that I need to stop being so hard on myself. They’d remind me all the time this wasn’t a small break, this was a huge part of my body trying to fix itself. So what if I put on weight, if I didn’t get the top grade in my class. I realised striving to be great is good but I don’t have to be perfect all the time.

The human body is a beautiful and amazing thing.

For a long time after the accident and sometimes still now I resented my body. I hated that it had broken in such a simple fall, I hated the stretch marks that had bloomed all over my thighs, I hated the fact people commented on how much weight I’d put on and I hated that I didn’t fit into any of my clothes. I had a realisation at a point that I just thought my body has been doing so much work. It’s literally been healing the main pillar in my body that hold everything together, that’s amazing.

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When you’re sick enough, you can cope with your hatred of needles/hospitals/ claustrophobia. 

I still hate needles, I will always hate needles BUT when you’re sick enough (like when I was in the hospital earlier in the year) you get on with it. I still don’t like hospitals (who does) but now it’s just another place I have to go sometimes. I won’t lie having my MRI and CT scans were pretty nerve wracking and claustrophobic but the people running them understood that. Basically you can get through a lot more than you think you can.

The gym is better than any therapy session and any religion. 

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If you’d have asked me a year ago about loving the gym I would have laughed at you, now I’m stressed when I CAN’T go. The gym is a love and an obsession and I can’t wait to get back into routine and slowly keep building my muscles and be in so much better shape than I was a year ago.

It’s ok to have days where it all feels like too much. 

You’re only human, you need these days, it’s okay!

The people who stick around are the ones that are meant to be there. 

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My relationships changed a lot after the accident, I lost a lot of people and I gained some others. More than anything I learnt that the people that are meant to be there will be. I also learnt that some people are in your life for a certain amount of time and that’s okay too. I’m a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.

Book Review: Sane New World: Taming the Mind – Ruby Wax

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As this week is Depression Awareness Week I decided to add this weeks book review into the theme and have picked Ruby Wax’s first book about Mental Health and Mindfulness. The choice behind this was because Ruby was coming to visit my university and I wanted to know more about her views on Mental Health. Unfortunately I couldn’t go to the talk because I just had too much work to get on with and finish BUT I did manage to work my way through Ruby’s first book.I will say before I start this is not what I would class as a memoir, although there are snippets into Wax’s life it more of a big jumble of personal opinion, science and illustrations . Not what I expected, but not bad either.

Although Ruby Wax is a known entertainer she also studied the brain at Oxford University in an attempt to better understand her own mind and the problems she has. Through the book wax tries to simplify the complex nature of the brain into something that anyone with an interest can understand. Apart from the diagrams and scientific names for all parts of the brain, Wax also tries to engage with the practice of Mindfulness and how it can be used in our busy everyday lives. It is because of this that the four sections of the book don’t seem to fit as well as they possibly could have, while I admire Wax for trying to speak about these incredibly complex scientific matters, it does at time feel like too much information that isn’t resolved. For example the second half of the book is focused on Mindfulness and techniques, exercises and stories of the use, leaving the science pretty much forgotten (in my case at least). It almost felt as if this would have worked much better as two books, or even one much bigger book because both seem like they need more time and space to be fully understood.

I think the way to describe her opinion and how it is portrayed is very marmite, you either love it or hate it. Unfortunately I was not a fan of some of Wax’s opinions, I feel like she could come across as slightly rude or even ignorant of other people. There is a heavy presence of wanting to prove herself to people in her past, and while there is nothing wrong with that the sections about her mother in particular seem to be misplaced in the book, almost as if it was a haha look at how far I’ve come. While Wax is incredibly honest about her experiences, it can leave people feeling slightly negative, there are some instances where Wax has tried to make jokes and in the process can come across as quite mean or rude to whole scores of people. This is one of the main problems with the book, it appears that Wax still has a great deal to learn about the people behind the statistics and the lives of others. She may be incredibly open about her own experiences but it comes across that she only see’s others as the numbers and reports she saw at Oxford, rather than the people behind them.

I will say though that the exercises that are in the book are great and a good way to start looking into Mindfulness. It’s definitely something that I want to look into further after reading Wax’s suggestions, thoughts and experiences. That said, I did find her very dismissive of the practice of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), something I myself use. Again Wax quotes statistics to back up her point, but this was another instance where I felt that she didn’t see it through the eyes of someone who does get a great deal of help from CBT.

Overall I gave Wax’s first book 3 stars (***), while I appreciate the topic and the fact that it opened conversations it felt really all over the place as a book. It was almost as if Wax couldn’t decide whether she wanted the book to be science based, opinion based or technique based and so all three have been kind of thrown together in a few hundred pages. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy reading, I did, but I found the narrative and some of the comments to really put me off of reading and so it took me a long time to sit and get myself through it.

As always I’d love to hear your comments, what do you think of this book, of CBT? Leave me a message down below!

 

 

Going, going, gone- Goodbye Dissertation

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If you are following me on any social media, Twitter, Instagram any friends I have on Facebook I now apologise for the avalanche of dissertation related posts for the past few weeks. It really has been my life, every minute I had ‘free’ was spent on my dissertation, reading, editing, re-reading, having a meltdown, carrying on and finally submitting!! Yes today at about 2.30pm I finally handed in my printed and bound dissertation and it felt so good. So, so good.

It doesn’t mean I’m finished, I have two more assignments to finish and submit before everything is done but I do feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I know for a fact I handed in looking exhausted and I don’t really care about that because I am absolutely exhausted! I’m hoping that the next two essays don’t leave me working until 3am (they’re a lot smaller) and so I’ll just feel better.

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THE selfie I’ve been waiting to take for three years

I’m in two minds about whether, if I started my degree all over again, I would take a dissertation again if I had a choice. Looking back on this year and the stresses and strains I’ve had because of my health and my body I would probably been better doing two special studies, but hey ho it’s done and dusted now. Sylvia Plath will always hold a special place in my heart, hell I think I could even write a book on her if I wanted after all the research I’ve done for this! I mean I’m not going to, Sylvia is now just for pleasure reading. On that thought, ah pleasure reading, the TBR list is piling up now!

Honestly, I just feel so happy that it’s over and yes there are niggling little thoughts but I’m pushing them aside. It’s done, it’s over and there’s nothing I can do about it now. Buh-bye! Thank you to all of you who have commented on blogs, liked them, sent me messages on Instagram and Twitter, it feels like I have my own little support group when I’m struggling. So now, onwards and upwards, I’m halfway through submission and come the 3rd May it will all be done!

Depression Awareness Week: What You Don’t See

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This week it’s Depression Awareness Week, and of course I’ll take any opportunity I can to get involved and spread more awareness about the mental health condition I’ve been living with for about six years. Of course, for this blog, writing about Mental Health is nothing new, I frequently write about my own experiences, struggles and triumphs so that other people can see that they’re not alone, because that’s what I felt for a really long time.

Every single person reading this blog knows or had known someone with a mental illness, in the UK 1 in 4 people have a diagnosed mental illness, and those are the people willing to talk about it. It can be a really huge and scary thing to think about, let alone talk about. It took me a really long time after my diagnoses at 18 to be able to say the words ‘I have Depression’ out loud. For some reason, somewhere along the line mental illness was percieved as a person being weak, which is definitely not the case.

This year along with #sicknotweak, people have been sharing their stories of what you don’t see. We’re at a point in time where we share our lives online all the time BUT we often forget that these are edited. It’s rare for someone to share a picture of themselves at their lowest points, we create something that people want to look at, and most of the time that isn’t pain or suffering. SO, as a social media addict I thought it would be good to share 10 of my experiences of what isn’t seen when dealing with my illness.

What You Don’t See… is my mind going into overdrive while I’m trying to sleep and I’m tossing and turning.

What You Don’t See… is the days when I can’t get out of bed, because even having a shower is a mammoth task.

What You Don’t See… Tears, all the bloody tears sometimes for no reason, sometimes for a list of reasons.

What You Don’t See… The exhaustion is real, especially in low points.

What You Don’t See… Is the lack of motivation before going to the gym and taking those selfies.

What You Don’t See… My life when I’m physically sick and can’t take my medication for a few days…not pretty.

What You Don’t See… is the struggle to write day to day when my head is buzzing.

What You Don’t See… when I have an anxiety attack about things that I cannot control.

What You Don’t See… is the scenarios that my brain creates to induce me into another panic attack/ anxiety attack, over situations that will probably never happen.

What You Don’t See… what I don’t want you to see.