Living with Chronic Pain

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For the past year and a half I’ve been living with moderate to severe back pain. By definition this now means that I’m living with chronic pain, there’s no break from it, no rest , it’s just a constant part of my life. Living with chronic pain is not something that anyone chooses, in my case, it was because of an injury. We’re still not sure about the damage, I’m booked in to see another specialist and have another MRI scheduled.

I’ll say it once and I’ll say it again, it’s all about good days and bad days, as many illnesses are. On a good day, I might be able to do a light workout, walk around and the pain is just background noise. On a bad day, it’s like someone is hammering on my spine, the smallest things will hurt and climbing stairs can feel like Everest and when it’s at its worst I can’t feel much in one leg. I might have to take a crutch when I go to an event. I take my medication but it doesn’t even skim the surface, to say that it’s frustrating is an understatement.

But what’s it like to live with chronic pain? Well, it’s definitely not fun, but I’m always aware that my injury could have been much worse. I’m walking, when I was incredibly close to losing that all together. So I’m always aware of that but living with chronic pain means a lot of doctors appointments, a lot of tiring discussion, repeating yourself, physio and medication change after medication change. It’s not pretty, but for a lot of us, it’s just life.

Some people might not understand why I’m broadcasting this, why I’m letting myself possibly look weak. I don’t think that’s it though. I don’t think anyone who keeps fighting is weak and that’s what people with chronic pain do. We go to work, we live our lives the best we can, we just get on with it and that’s the simple truth of living with a chronic illness. Even when the pain is the worst it can be we carry on as best we can. That is what living with chronic pains is like.

More Than My Diagnosis – World Mental Health Day 2016

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A lot is weighted on a diagnosis. Your key to treatment, to medication and help in general but it’s also a word or group of words that can carry opinions and stigma. When I was first diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety, I couldn’t say it out loud for a long time. I was terrified of what it meant, what people would say and how they would react. I got my diagnoses a month before I started university and of course, I got the usual, people trying to tell me all I needed was a change in lifestyle, people saying that it was ‘just life’ and people who avoided me after I did build up the courage to tell them. It’s a word, just a damn word but people judge you and your whole life. I am more than just a word, we are all more than what it says on a bit of paper and we can’t forget that. We need to educate people that we need to be more open-minded and that one word, a few words don’t make a person. We are more

We are more and we are not afraid.

Sunday Seven: Super Cakes from the Cake and Bake show 2016

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Yesterday Abbie, Sums, Mum and I headed into London to go to this years cake and bake show. The absolute best part was definitely the competition entries. The skill and artistry that have gone into making these was amazing. There were so many good ones and it was hard to pick just 7 to show you all but here are some of my favourites.

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Reign of Fire by Mylene Wolfe 

The detail that went into each of the tiny scales, the facial features and the wings was absolutely incredible. I’m pretty sure this is Smaug, although that tag doesn’t specifically say so.

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Enchanted by Jane Lashbrook

This was both terrifying as well as being enchanting as its name suggests. I don’t think the picture does justice to how lifelike this cake looked.

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Dragon Warrior by Zahir Rathod 

There were multiple warriors and dragons but this was absolutely incredible because everything was edible on this cake, every single part.

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The BFG by Noemi Orbay 

This is just amazing, the size, the kindness of the face I just absolutely loved it.

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Harry Potter and the Sorting Hat

Harry Potter Cake? Of course this was going to make the list. Harry Potter will always make the list.

The Little Mermaid by Amoy Stone 

This was a beautiful cake, as well as the main mermaid I loved the detail of the growth that she’s sitting on. I also loved the fact that Amoy didn’t just make Disney’s version, instead this focuses on the original fairy tale.

Honeydukes Express Harry Potter by Namrah Arfan 

More Harry Potter! I loved the originality of this, using Honeydukes and the fact that there were so many individual pieces, particularly the Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans that had been hand crafted. I wanted to take this home the most.

 

Feminist Friday: Sexism is Exhausting

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When I was talking to Ali about being in a little bit of a writing slump, we spoke about what I could write about, what I’ve written about before and he said that right now I need to take some time for myself, because I don’t relax, because even at 22 I’m guilty of wanting to ‘have it all’. In short, I’m exhausted. I’m constantly asked about the future at this age and I get really, really stressed. I get stressed when adverts don’t reflect my body, when eating cake is seen as a ‘cheat’ or ‘treat’ for women, but not for men. I get stressed about my career, about how I look, about how many bullshit articles there are in women’s magazines.

We’re always demonised for wanting to have a family, a career, a happy relationship, told that we’ll burn out. At the same time, there’s still sexism in advertising, women are sold cleaning products, but used to sell sports cars rather than being the ones who want to purchase them.  We’re marketed to for cooking, cleaning and particular shows on TV have adverts that are ‘female friendly’ about periods and ovulation, while the football has adverts for beer and cars. Because of all this pressure sometimes I just look at it all and think screw it, why am I doing this? Why am I fighting when I’m exhausted and all I’m seen as is a bunch of hormones who wants to clean and procreate. Is it any wonder I don’t relax?!

I know that I’m not the only  one that has thought this way, not the only one to just feel so tired and frustrated with the world. I’ll be honest the past few weeks have been really tough with personal issues and when you’re already down sometimes you wonder if you’ll ever beat sexism. For me as a young 20 something I think about whether I’ll get discriminated against if I choose to have a child, whether I’ll be able to be top in my field while fitting in school runs and plays and parents evenings. Even as recently as yesterday there were comments because of a comment I posted about loving to work and that I didn’t intend to stop working after I have children and this was from another woman.

Even in 2016, I’m still plagued by these worries, these conversations that my other half doesn’t have to deal with. I see magazines and women’s bodies have been manipulated by software and where women are told how to ‘please their man’, rather than focusing on themselves. I see people I know make sexist jokes. I’m the focus of comments that constantly question my feminism because I haven’t always been this forward and I’ll be honest, it’s exhausting. I want to shout feminism and be a warrior for women all the time, but I wanted to be honest and say that sometimes I’m worn down, I look around and think, fuck how are we going to fix this?

This is NOT me giving up, it’s not even me taking a break. It is me reminding not only myself but others out there that it’s ok to feel frustrated, to feel like this is so big, so much bigger than us. Now I’ve calmed down and thought, written, I’ve realised that everyone has these days and that feminism and battling sexism isn’t something someone can take on on their own. I realised that we’re all in this together and that everyone is allowed to be scared or stressed or frustrated, these frustrations keep the fire burning but we can’t let them burn us out because otherwise, we’ll get nowhere.

 

Going Cruelty Free – Makeup

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I love animals. From the moment I was brought home from the hospital I have been around animals. There have been cats, dogs, rabbits, hamsters, birds and fish in my family home alone. I’ve been shopping in Lush for years, since we first got a store in Basingstoke, but while I wanted to be kinder to animals as a cash strapped teenager almost 10 years ago (man I feel old) there wasn’t a lot of affordable stuff on the market. A few weeks ago I learnt the horrifying truth about how fur clothing was made, I’d always know it was horrific but I’d never found out how much so. While I’ve never worn fur, I thought a lot about animal cruelty and decided that I wanted to try and help, by not giving money to companies who test on animals, so that meant new make up.

Now, I don’t wear much make up, I’ve never been a huge fan but this was important to me. I want to clear some things up though, when talking about this change I was challenged over the fact that I eat meat and dairy. I am not a vegan, nor am I a vegetarian and that is my choice and partly for medical reasons. I am helping in a way that I can. So, here are a few of my starter purchases. Also, this isn’t me becoming a beauty blogger, my 15 year old sister teaches me to do my make up and gives me brands to try.

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Barry M Lipsticks 

I love a good Lipstick and while my favourite is MAC (see a statement about them later) so I also wanted some great new lipsticks and Barry M are cruelty free, which surprised me. While these do need care when applying and possibly a lip liner they have good colour.

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Lottie Loves London Nail Varnish 

Again, something I was concerned about, nail varnish. I’ve been pleasantly surprised gorgeous colours and it holds really well (which I need because I chip my nails all the time).

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Bare Minerals Set 

My skin is prone to break-outs, something I have been self concious about in the past. My Mum and sister use this so I found a set in TK Maxx and gave it a go. For the first time ever I’ve found something that doesn’t hurt my skin and it’s easy to apply, which for someone who didn’t start using make up often until she was at university is helpful.

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Barry M Lash Vegas Mascara and MUA Intense Glitter Pencil 

I’ll admit I got the glitter pencil by accident BUT it’s better than almost all of the eyeliners I’ve tried. Also have no complaints about the new Mascara, looks good and doesn’t sting my eyes. Always a plus.

About MAC 

If you follow me on Instagram you will know that I have a love affair with MAC, which left me with a dilemma. Did they test, didn’t they test? I found this statement online to inform you all of their stance on Animal Testing.

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Now I’ve been getting into some more research I have a list of brands I want to try next, let me know in the comments if there are any you’ve tried or any more I should add!

Elf

Urban Decay

Kat Von D

Red Apple Lipstick

B.

theBalm

Burt’s Bees

Inkia

Paul Mitchell Hair Range

Trying to Deal With Depression

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While on the phone with my Mum today I realised that for the past few months I’ve been fairly ok with the changes that have been happening, the breakdown of some friendships, etc. I’ve coped fairly well and while there have been lows, there hadn’t been incredibly bad ones over the summer, but unfortunately things seem to have come to a head lately.

To say that I’m exhausted is an understatement, I don’t know whether it’s a combination of work and just being busy or if part of it is the depression rearing its ugly head. People think that most of it is because of losing Noodle a few days ago, that is an absolutely huge part and it’s not something I can get get over and forget. There is more though, it’s hard to explain that grief and depression feel different. The depression is always there, it bubbles under the surface and then unleashes itself sometimes for days or weeks at a time.

I read an article about what people with high functioning depression want others to know, and it spoke to me. People think that because I have a lovely boyfriend, a good job, a degree and all that jazz that I should be happy. People almost get offended sometimes when you’re not happy. I wish there was a switch in my brain that meant I didn’t struggle. It doesn’t matter that I love my job and the people I work with, there are days where getting out of bed is difficult and when going back to bed later is all I can think about.

The point to writing this is because I do still struggle, all of us with depression do. Just because to the outside world it looks like someone is fine and ‘has it all’ doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling. Depression is a small part of me, but it is still something I have to deal with every day and I’m doing my best.

Sunday Seven: Lush Halloween and Christmas Haul!

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As I mentioned in last weeks Sunday Seven, one of my favourite things about Autumn is the new Lush products that come in every year. So what better way to celebrate them than share them with you!! After shopping with my fellow Lush addict Abbie I picked out a few to share with you! For the most part I’ve tried to include new bath ballistics (I wanted to pick up all the shower stuff too but, you know girls gotta eat), whether they are new to store or just new to me. Just to note, this post is NOT sponsored in any way.

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Pumpkin

This is a hot contender for one of my favourite bath products EVER, I don’t remember seeing this one last year but I am in LOVE with it and so glad I bought two. It smells like refreshers and makes the bath a beautiful shade of orange. They’re only in store until Halloween though, so get moving!

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Sparkly Pumpkin Bubble Bar

So. Much. Glitter. This is one that’s been around for a while but it just screams Halloween to me. On the other hand my boyfriend hates it because he always ends up with glitter all over him. Sorry not sorry.

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Northern Lights 

Both Abbie and I are SO excited about using this, because of what we’ve seen on Lush’s Instagram. The colours and magic that are in this are incredible. It also smells delicious.

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Lord of Misrule

I used the shower gel constantly so I’m in love with the smell but I’ve been told by the brilliant Lush staff that there is a surprise, it looks green but you’ll end up with a beautiful red bath!

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Shoot for the Stars 

I’ll be honest I went for this one because of the colour and the glitter, it smells pretty good too.

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Never Mind The Ballistics 

Not only does this smell scrummy, it’s also got a nice smooth, and slightly strange, texture on the top. Oh and it’s named with a punk theme, Lush are just incredible human beings.

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Star Dust

This is for a much more chilled out bath. While it smells lovely (although I can’t quite make out what it is) it’s very relaxing and Abbie and I have suspicion that it also has some beautiful colourful surprises that await.

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Candy Mountain

Now I know this is Sunday Seven buuuuut I’ve snuck in one of my all time favourites. This beautifully sweet bubble bar is one of my favourite christmas scents. Mmm, mmm, mm.

What are some of your Lush favourites? Are there any more I should try? Let me know in the comments below!

Noodle

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I didn’t think I would be writing a post like this quite so soon. This week, at around 12am on Thursday morning Ali and I had to say goodbye to one of our beloved and beautiful babies. We found Noodle struggling to breathe at about 11pm and rushed her to an emergency vet, stroking and talking to her the entire way. Unfortunately even after being given oxygen she was struggling to breathe, it was decided that the humane thing to do was to put her to sleep, so she wouldn’t be in pain. She was around 18 months old. 

Holding my sweet girl on my chest as she struggled and was semi conscious broke my heart. Ali hugged her and said goodbye and then I did. Nothing prepares you for that. Coming home with an empty cage I felt as if someone had reached into my chest and hacked out my heart. It was the lowest I’d felt in years. Even though we did the kindest thing in that time I still felt guilty, that was my baby. 

I’ve sobbed on and off since the moment they took her through for oxygen and I still am now. But I’m trying to look at pictures and videos to remember her as the happy little ham she was. God it’s so hard to write was. 

Trying to put into words my heartbreak is just, partly impossible. Both her and Hamski have been there for me without judgement, only love. They got me out of bed every day because they needed me. And while Hamski is still with us and cheeky as ever, it will take time not caring for two. Both Ali and I will always love and remember our brace little one as more than just a pet, because she was. Rest in Peace baby girl. 
Noodle Miller April 2015-September 2016 

Feminist Friday: 5 Contemporary Non Fiction Books Every Feminist Should Read

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We’ve all heard of the classic feminist texts from The Second Sex to The Female Eunuch, some of us have even studied them. While I fully understand their importance, they can be quite heavy and slightly hard to relate to the 21st century woman. Fear not! I’ve compiled a list of 5 Feminist books that I think are definitely worth a read. Don’t forget I love to hear from you all so if you can recommend any more, leave me a note in the comments!

 

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Girl Up 

Laura Bates features twice on this list, and with good reason. While a few years ago Laura was relatively unknown she’s now a key voice in modern british feminism. This is her second book, Girl Up is a book I wish I’d had growing up. With a mix of serious messages, humor and drawings of dancing vaginas (yes, you read that right), what more can I say? This has Laura’s stamp all over it and although it would help teenagers I thoroughly enjoyed it as a twenty something and it was comforting to know Laura herself wasn’t 100% confident in calling herself a feminist once upon a time.

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Everyday Sexism 

Laura’s first book was based on the website she founded, based to give women a safe space to call out everyday sexism, after it happened to her one too many times. It made me realise that, actually, the way I’d been treated in the street, in pubs and clubs, even at university wasn’t ok and I wasn’t ‘over reacting’. It’s such an important book and really makes you think about anything you may have passed off in fear of looking like you’re overreacting.

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How To Be A Woman

This book changed my life. Caitlin is an incredible writer and feminist. She’s both funny and gives insight into issues around us. This made me declare I was a feminist and not give a damn what anyone else thought. I reviewed it here.

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The Vagenda

Holly and Rhiannon have taken on the magazine and media culture we’re faced with. For a long time I’ve read women’s magazines and have increasingly felt frustrated were real women like this? Why did we need all these make up ads and ‘please your man’ articles recycled every month. This was eye opening and I found myself cheering them on and I haven’t read a ‘women’s’ magazine since.  

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Living Dolls: The Return of Sexism

I’ll admit that when I read a section of this for a class, I wasn’t impressed, however the more I read the more I agreed. Walter looks at the impact that the doll has had on women and why there is such a fascination with women being depicted as barbies or childlike. An intriguing read.

 

 

Book Review: Rad Women Worldwide – Kate Schatz

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I was sent a copy of this in exchange for an honest review.

It’s a known fact that women were often left out of the history books too often. Although we are getting better at recognising the impact that women have had in the past and are having now, books like this are a huge help. This is a beautifully illustrated and colourful book to highlight some of the great and interesting women throughout the world and history, while there are some that you will have heard of (Malala and Freida Khalo to name a few) and many that you will not have. I had no idea that women had such a prominent history in making peace, that there were female rulers of Egypt. There is so much that is missed out, important people that are only just starting to be recognised, or are sadly only recognised after their deaths. While there is a rich and diverse history in this book, I was longing for more by the time I reached the end and I’m hoping that there will be more to come. This is definitely a five star read and I’d recommend it to anyone who wants to know more about the incredible women or past and present.