Domestic Goddess…or not.

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Today was a day to get out of bed and get things done in my room, cleaning, organising etc. Today was also a day where I rolled out of bed at 1pm. Needless to say I didn’t get much done, after showering and sorting out my washing it was nearly 3pm. The closest I got to being a Domestic Goddess was washing my clothes and even that was a bit of trouble…long story short I ended up phoning both my Mum and Nanna on advice about how to dry my clothes with a broken heater. My clothes are now hanging up in Bekkie’s super hot room hopefully drying before I have to pick them up tomorrow.

One day I might get the hang of this girl thing though…

The first night out, nerves as well!!

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The thought of going out has been playing on my mind now for about a month. Bekkie and I had discussed going to cheese night this weekend but when we came to discussing it I felt awful. I’d hardly slept due to noise in the flat/building, I was exhausted and ended up bursting into tears over absolutely nothing and so we decided that we’d go home have a nap and go from there.  After talking to my tutor I was starting to feel better and ended up sleeping for 3 hours when I got back, after a bite to eat I was ready to give it a go.

I was stressed I wont lie, I’d never properly done this before well not in clubs anyway. We ended up going with my flatmate Christie and some other friends and headed to the pub first, which had now evolved to a club atmosphere. We ordered some drinks and were getting ready to head into the club opposite. The problem however was the boys. Now we’re a group of fairly attractive girls so it wasn’t unheard of for boys to try and dance with us, I however made sure they wouldn’t get the wrong idea. Normally if they see a ring on your finger (even if it you buy it yourself, make it look like an engagement ring) most of the time it will work tonight it didn’t. Some of the guys were nice and just looking to chat  (well I thought so) some were complete idiots and would not take no for an answer especially the old ones who pretended they were in their twenties. You’re not fooling anyone, give up old men who are double my age.

Despite the fun however I started feeling really poorly and my kidneys started to ache. After not being back long I didn’t want to push it and Bekkie didn’t feel like the club either. So we left and went to McDonalds. So it might not have been a wild night but I tried.

I’ll try again next time 😉

A job, a hair cut and ice cream!

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Today was a very good day… I got the job! The money is very good and I have more info to look into it I’m so excited it was a total confidence boost 😀 Other than that after an uncomfortable trip to the hairdressers I finally got my hair cut with a God of a hairdresser. Rush in Kingston are the est salon I’ve ever been to!  I got to have tea, a head massage, chocolates and oh yeah 25% off for being a student!! After that Bekkie and I headed to an ice cream bar for celebrations then ran for a bus home (just the normal thing between Becks and I!). Today has been pretty good with only a few hiccups (I feel more confident now I’ve styled my hair myself) hopefully I have my first night out tomorrow, lets see what happens!

Feeling like me again.

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Bekks and I in the studio in one of my hyperactive moments while Ali was hard at work.

Today was a day where I finally went ‘back to work’. Ok so it isn’t a paid job and I don’t have to do it but still. I finally went back into the studio to start recording No People Clubs EP!!! It was long, tiring and meant that I had to deal with a lot of emotions but I feel so much better after doing it. Although today didn’t quite start out like that, uni was a bit of a night and so was the afternoon of ‘freedom’. I haven’t been sleeping much so a 9am start wasn’t top of my list of things to do today especially when it is pissing down with rain. Today has also been a very up and down experience in terms of my moods (as have the last few days. I love uni and then I hate it and my mind is arguing with itself every five minutes about something and it gets a little bit exhausting. I think that if I hadn’t have recorded today I wouldn’t have been able to release anything, I needed something else to concentrate on that just wasn’t to do with uni stuff. It definitely worked because for the first time in over a month I was able to write a review again, my confidence just appeared and although its 1am I feel ALIVE. I feel ready to write and perform music again, I feel ready to let go of the hurt that was still inside me from home and I feel ready to write properly and just hold out on the academics until second year (when I actually get to CHOOSE what I want to study).

 

There was one other little thing that may have helped today and that’s a few phone calls one from my amazing Grampey who never ever fails to make me feel better. What did he do you may ask? He simply asked me about my day and told me about his, it’s little things like that I love and miss the most and the thought of going home for a few days at the end of the month makes me so damn excited! The other phone call was from my Mum as part of our daily phone calling it always makes me feel better and she managed to calm me down after a run in with a nightmare hairdresser (thankfully all my hair is okay but I will NEVER be going back to that place again!). You’ll already have guessed Ali and Bekkie played a major part in today too. 

So really everyone I just wanted to write this to let you know that I’m doing ok! Well I will be anyway, days like this give me hope. 

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Ali hard at work

Interview time!!

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Today I attempted to get back into the world of work by going to an interview for a student job with the uni. This will only be a short post as I don’t have much going on right now (especially after yesterday). I thought I was going to freak out while I was waiting eagerly outside the interview room, I haven’t worked for a good few months and haven’t had a formal interview in nearly two years. I think it went ok and even if it didn’t I can re apply next year now I know I can handle it.

Wish me luck!

Finally Getting my A*

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After months of hard work I finally got the phone call I had been waiting for, my EPQ ‘ The Presentation of African American women in post 1900s Literature, had been marked wrong I now officially have an A*!!! For some people it wouldn’t matter as I already got into uni but for a girl who was told she would never get anywhere after school this is a huge step. I don’t want to put a downer on this post and talk about the bullying so I’ll just say I’ve proved a lot of people wrong. After a few doubts this has given me the confidence I needed about uni, I can do this!!!

The day of my leavers ball, I’m smiling because I’d already left but the best was yet to come I got 13 GCSE’s and  2 other qualifications in Spanish and Business.

Me now, watch out Kingston I’m coming to get that degree! 

Feeling Lonely

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After a lovely weekend I think it’s fair to say I was lonely. With two of my closest friends back at home for a few days and Ali having fun with his new friends I felt a little left out. When I went to the train station to sort my friends Oyster out it was like the train for Basingstoke was the only one I could see, I just wanted to get on it and run away from everything. I really hate being negative but what I’m trying to say is that it’s ok to feel lonely, uni is totally new and your bound to feel out of place.

I hope this helps,

Chloe

Being looked after

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Ali and I this weekend…not our best picture

As you all know I’ve been pretty poorly lately with my kidneys. After making the decision to come back to Kingston Ali has been incredible and I honestly needed it. I’m making this a blog about the whole weekend because the two days were very similar. I was cuddled a lot, kept an eye on and fed. Ali knows about kidneys so I was under his watchful eye for three and a half days, which really makes him a saint as I’m not the easiest person to deal with especially when I am sick and stressed. The up side was that I was able to sleep properly at Kingston Hill and although I was upset and didn’t want to leave on Sunday night.

You have to understand that Ali and I have been together for over five years now so it’s odd living 20 minutes apart and having new lives and new friends. I hope this will make us stronger and more independent but it is hard being in a relationship at uni, even the same one! Either way I’m so greatful I had someone to look after me up here, Ali really is one of a kind.

Tonight Alive!

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No zoom this is how close we were 

It’s not every night you get to stand right in front of one of your favourite bands, touch their tour bus and keep one of their drumsticks. It’s not every night you get to see an intimate gig with Tonight Alive. After storming the stage in Camden the night before an The Peel in Kingston seemed to be just perfect for the Aussie pop punk band whose album The Other Side is taking the world by storm (Ok so that’s me trying to be a journalist).

The best thing about this gig? It had to be Jenna’s fuck you attitude. When you listen to their older EPs and albums I think it would be fair to say you imagine Jenna to be sweetness and light let me set you straight she has fight in her. She definately kicks arse but not in a way that alienates her from the rest of the band. They are a group, although most people would recognise Jenna first she doesn’t play on this. I liked that she was totally a part of the band, too many singers just think it’s all about them and use the stage like that.

To put it simply I loved this gig. I may have been exhausted and in a lot of pain from my kidneys but it was worth it. Hey I even got to sing into Jenna’s mic and get her spit on my head, multiple looks from the guitarists and a drum stick. It’s things like this that remind me why I love music and how I feel at gigs. I might not have known all the words to the songs but the ones I did made me go completely crazy!

It was a great night back in Kingston followed by Pizza and a lovely evening of Ali look after me (well this is after making me lunch and making sure I was actually well enough to go).

Feeling inbetween

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It isn’t often that I pour my heart into this blog, generally speaking I really think about what I’m going to write. Tonight it’s more of a need to write more than anything. I’ve found that University doesn’t solve everything, it makes you think even more about things. Since being home I’ve just felt this kind of restlessness about it all. When I’m at home I just want to be at uni but when I’m at uni I’m unsure and miss home. I want to be the girl everyone loves and wants to be around. I desperately want to go on nights out and have endless friends and to some extent I do. I always know someone where ever I go at uni, the only exception to this is on the bus, where I go to escape some times. The majority of the time I love uni but sometimes I get agitated, sometimes I get bored and wonder why I’m paying so much money or why I pay rent for halls when about 3 times a week it’s impossible to sleep. After that the sensible part reminds me that I’m over reacting and to think of all the good points again and how hard I worked to be here. 

My mind never stops, I’ll debate all of this every other day and I’ll never get the same conclusion. I want to go out, I want to just have fun like everyone else but sometimes I can’t. Yes I’ll admit that I’ve been poorly and just as the anxiety settles down and I’m ready for a night out my kidneys flare up and I’m stuck with anxiety again. I think I need to make myself go out, who knows I might even enjoy it but it’s the initial going that is the problem. I hate to feel like I’m blaming my illness but my anxiety does make simple things that little bit harder to deal with. I also have an issue of being ahead, I’ve spend so long working independently that in first year working with others is proving really difficult for me. At college I was normally 2 or 3 assessments ahead of everyone else and sometimes I can’t do that here and it is really hard. I don’t know if this is just a part of me or if it’s linked to my illness or both, I try really hard not to relate absolutely everything to what I have because then you just become a stereotype or a label, something I don’t want to be. 

I wrote this because sometimes I just need to let it all out and this is how I do it. I hope this could help someone else at some point as well. I love uni but sometimes I don’t. I love home but sometimes I need to get away. I feel like I’m going insane but maybe that’s normal for a student. I’ll keep plodding along as see how I go. Let’s just say this is going to be a very long year full of ups and downs….