“When I look at my room, I see a girl who loves books.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska
I’ve just started Looking for Alaska by John Green. This book seemed to also sum me up pretty well.
A lack of sleep and some serious reflection
It always gets to this point at night where I start trying to wind down, telling myself I should go to sleep or I’ll feel tired in the morning. Although my eyelids are fighting to close and my head is starting to ache I know that I won’t. Today has been a better day than I anticipated full of kind words, friends and a few surprises that I didn’t think would happen. I’m having such a good time at university at the moment I feel good about myself and my life, I come to these moments where I reflect on it and I feel pretty damn proud of myself.
I’m not the kind of person who loves themselves and thinks they’re the next best thing, actually ask a lot of my friends and they’ll tell you what they tell me, that I need to love myself more. Ali once said to me that I needed to love myself more, how could I expect him to be in love with me when I didn’t love myself? I’ve always known that I’m my own worst enemy, my harshest critic. There is no pressure from family, Ali, my friends it’s all from me and me alone. So when I decided to apply for the KUTalent awards I was really putting myself in for it, I felt awful self nominating. Honestly I didn’t feel good enough to apply but after talking to some staff at the uni I thought I might as well have a go. The result was a reference from my tutor to the board that almost made me cry. I won’t tell the world every detail but for someone I admire as an academic to think so highly of me gave me such a confidence boost. It made me feel like I could actually give something to the university.
I also ended up into venturing into look for flats, the outcome wasn’t fantastic but I know what I’m looking for now and Ali and I are quite excited. It’s new, its scary and it’s a bit grown up. The day continued with speaking to a few friends, Joe, Sonia, Amy and ended up with a drink or two with Sonia at the Students Union. The great thing about Son? Although she is definitely Marmite she doesn’t judge and is truthful as well as honest. I’ve also managed to bag my sister and I tickets to see Taylor Swift and The Vamps on Tuesday!! Totally worth it to hear her voice so happy at the end of the phone!
Let’s hope the good mood stays and the sleep eventually comes…
That thing called relaxing
So yesterday I mentioned how I don’t relax and want to just curl up with a good book and do nothing. You’ll all be pleased to know that this evening I have done just that. This post is going to be short while I get back to reading Martin Sixsmith’s ‘Philomena’. I know tonight wont end up in an early night and today was definitely far from relaxing (actually it was pretty damn stressful) but right now I’m going to wind down with a good book and just forget about everyone and everything. Night guys!
The stresses of being a productive person
Sometimes I really wish I was a lazy person. I wish I was someone who could have spend all day cured up watching films and generally not caring about the thing I had to do today but no, that’s not me. I got up earlier than I need to went food shopping, done my reading, made lunch, phoned people, read some more, finished an assignment. The truth is I don’t really relax I keep going and going, my mind has to be active or I get bored and frustrated.
The majority of this is just what I’m like when I get stressed r have a lot to do, another part is my anxiety. I make myself carry on no matter how tired I am or if I’ve eaten. As you can guess it doesn’t do me any good and sometimes Ali or my Mum intervenes and makes me take a nap or listen to some music or read a book simply because I enjoy it. I want to be able to calm myself the hell down! It might be something I can work on this week, trying to relax. I don’t mean that I don’t have things to do but in the evenings I might just try and curl up with a good book, something I started yesterday. Other than buzzing around all day there’s nothing really to report, life’s the same as it was yesterday. I’m looking forward to a new week after the last one, stress doesn’t even cover it!
5 Reasons why February is going to be AWESOME!
1. Recording!
2. Lexi Lou turns 2!
My beautiful Goddaughter turns 2 this month!! She’s growing up far too quickly!
3. Date night
Chloe and Amy’s date night…yes that is now a thing.
4. Rhy’s birthday!
It’s gonna be Rhys birthday!! I can’t wait to celebrate with this boy in style…bring on the drinks!
5. We Are The In Crowd….twice!
We get to see and MEET We Are The In Crowd twice!! The picture above is of us last year at our first WATIC gig!
Oh and the sneaky number 6
It’s valentines day..
Teacher Training
Tonight was my first teacher training session. I was pretty nervous when I turned up, I had no idea what to expect and I wasn’t sure I would know anyone who got through. My nerve calmed down a fair bit after a surprise visit from Ali, not because of any romantic gesture just to borrow my tape measure but either way it was nice to see him. I got there about 20 minutes early (talk about over eager) but thankfully I wasn’t the only one I started chatting to some of the other girls and found out I wasn’t the only first year on the scheme. As Kingston is so good to us we were all offered a hot drink and biscuits.
The session was 3 hours long but it was interesting. Within the first 15 minutes our confidence was already being build up by the team we were working with and started making jokes where we could. I was pleasantly surprised to recognise some people I already knew as well as some people I had been interviewed with. The evening overall was fun and I was pleased that we learnt about so many different factors in educating children and I learnt new things.
Throughout the session though I was fighting with myself. For this scheme I’ll be teaching in a secondary school, somewhere I vowed not to go back to. I had more than a pretty rough time at school and tonight I felt some powerful emotions, even if I didn’t let it school. After going over policies and responsibilities schools have towards students I was slightly shocked to realise just how wrong my school were. The lack of support I had throughout my education I assumed had been normal but now I see that it’s not. The senior staff had a duty of care and they obviously didn’t fulfil what they should have. As I sunk into a deeper state they all looked the other way, done the bare minimum and left me to it. There were a handful of members of staff who cared enough to get me through, I still try and visit the LSU (learning support unit) sometimes to let them know how I’m doing and say thanks, they cared and they didn’t have to. If I see some of my old teachers in town I’ll say hello and just let them know they made a difference. As for the others? I’d love to prove them wrong, I’ll got back with my degree and just say ‘see I wasn’t as useless as you made me out to be!’.
I guess what I’m getting at is that tonight made me realise I was failed and I want to make a change. I might not end up becing a secondary school teacher but I want to do something to change the lives of young people. I don’t know how yet, teaching?, writing?, performing? I have no idea yet but I think this is going to be good for me, maybe in those 15 days I’ll make some kind of difference.
Me and Amy
The best picture we could get between all the laughing and singing
Amy, oh Amy, Amy,Amy. Tonight the best one and I decided to go out and instead of hitting the bar we went out for dinner, our first date as Amy called it. We ate, we laughed and all of a sudden would break into song and dance in the middle of the restaurant, the staff absolutely loved us. It was such a good night out because for some reason it’s never the two of us alone. We’re planning to do this a lot more now because well it’s cheap, it’s fun and Amy comes out with phrases like ‘mind the garlic bread, it’s pointy’. I’ve come home after an hours loop on the bus, freezing cold but smiling and all because of this beautiful,crazy little one 😀
On a Mad One
Amy has a phrase for whenever one of us gets angry/upset/annoyed and needs to vent until we calm down we go on a ‘mad one’. Now in the last few months there have been various forms of this and today it hit me, big time. I haven’t had a break or a rest since the beginning of January it’s been at least 4 weeks of non stop work, so today my brain just said no. Throw in room issues, bus issues, a disgusting smelling kitchen, arrogant show offs from earlier in the week and generally irritating people and you’ve got how I feel right now. I know people will read this, some may think I’m talking about them and be offended…if that is you think about why you’re offended, then you’ll get to how I feel when I write this. I ended up in the university Starbucks with Amy having a little heart to heart and she just made me feel ok , she reminded me that I am a part of something and going up to Kingston Hill just lifts my mood 90% of the time.
I hate feeling low, it’s one of the worst things in the world and sometimes a ‘mad one’ is just a part of a low. I’ve tried to be positive today and when I was with Amy it was ok, I didn’t think about everything that was bothering me too much and I just talked it out. The problem is when I’m upset and alone or when I’m surrounded by people who just don’t help. So I’m spending this evening locked in my room listening to You Me At Six and trying to get this assignment finished. What people don’t tell you is no matter how much you love uni (and I honestly do) being in halls is hard work. Not every flat has a magical connection and sometimes you lock horns, not in a big way but when you want to slob out and just eat crappy food all day you feel this pressure, well I personally do. I generally find it quite hard when I’m having a bad day, feeling like someone is constantly looking at what you’re doing. The bottom line, it’s not like you’re at home, you have to think about a lot more, you can’t want around in some of your PJs because they might be ‘too revealing’, you don’t wear make up and people think your ill!
Sometimes all that compared with a bad day is just a little too much. I’m trying to look forward though, to next year. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it but Ali and I will be living together so it makes life a little easier. I just feel so comfortable around him, I can do whatever the hell I want and not feel like I have to think about it or discuss it later. I guess what I’m tring to say in this blog post is that honestly I struggle sometimes living with a whole block full of people and not feeling close to any of them and it’s just a part of life. Plus, going from somewhere where you feel like you belong, the band, Hannafords etc to being completely alone isn’t the nicest feeling. Now I’m shaking off this ‘Mad One’ I’m hoping that I can get rid of it and go to uni feeling a bit better about everything and just get on with my work before going out with Amy tomorrow night!
Band Bonding
Today was a very early start, 10am soundcheck after a busy weekend was honestly not my idea of fun. We’ve worked really hard over the last few weeks on our set for the festival as well as getting to know one another and really becoming a band. So we hyped ourselves up, watched a few friends and ended up…well actually going shopping for Rhys. I’ve found a new ally when I go shopping in Rhys and Dan strangely. I managed to leave without buying anything and stopped Rhys buying the whole shop. The last few days have really made us connect as a band, we’ve laughed together, got angry together and settled tonight with some good food and a few drinks. I know that this is the start of something pretty amazing, we’re heading into the studio this weekend…things are getting excited!!
You Me At Six (Part 1)
While I hoped this post would be full of beautiful pictures of You Me At Six playing and rocking out on stage while I took beautiful pictures. Unfortunately that didn’t happen, why you ask? Short girl syndrome (a joke I hoped to make with the boys when I met them…more on that later), despite standing on a raised edge I could just about see them, with great difficulty. Instead I screamed, I shouted, I danced and later got crushed by people who have NO gig manners. Seriously people don’t just shove each other, be polite at gigs especially when your going to meet them anyway.
Ali and I in the amazingly long queue!
The pushing and shoving wasn’t during the performance, well not where I was standing anyway it was when all hell broke loose for the signing. We were ALL going to meet them (for the amazing price of £11, thank you Banquet Records) but people went crazy. Luckily we didn’t queue for too long but they shouted that only one item could be signed. I’d thought before of bringing my T-Shirt for signing and didn’t know if I’d get away with it, as you can see from above I did! They were absolutely lovely with me trying not to fan girl but it was Max I ended up talking to, he liked my ‘old school’ t-shirt for the ‘Save it for the bedroom’ era (check that song out!). I’ve fallen in love with him a little bit, not in a stalker way though although I’m not sure if he thought I could be.
The lovely Max! (not my picture)
So now I have something to cherish for the rest of my life. I love the fact that they appreciated it and as you’ll notice this is only part 1, in April Ali and I will be heading into London to see them do the whole set. The new album is absolutely incredible even though I was unsure at first (I’m not going to lie I do miss those cute emo boys with floppy fringes but I’m not 15 any more!). I actually can’t wait for it despite knowing that there will be a case of short girl syndrome again no doubt! Anyway, it’s gigs like this that make you realise how great independent record shops are it was £11 for that ticket, CD and I met the boys, I’ve also met Deaf Havana and will be meeting We Are The In Crowd because of them, one day I hope that No People Club can repay the favour.
Chloe Metzger 