Life through my fingers

Apr 1, 20141 Comment

I find that much of my life ends up spilling out through my fingers. My lyrics, this blog, my novel attempts and something new, piano. I sat down today for the first time in a long time and just let myself play. Ali took me to one of the piano rooms, big, bright and in the corner a stunning Grand Piano. I didn’t think too much at first I tried my scales, attempting to warm my cracked voice and then I just played around. I figured I had some time to kill so I played around. It’s very hard to stop a piano sounding beautiful.

So I played and played and played. I wouldn’t stop and something amazing happened, first I got close to playing an actual song and then I just let myself go. I put everything I felt into playing and it made sense. I just played for nearly an hour and I was able to hear how I had been feeling lately. Sounds crazy huh?

I’ve been trying to find something I could do when I hit a bad low that I could just release and pain or emotion and I think I’ve found it. It’s not like writing, I don’t have to worry or think about what to do I just do it and it feels incredible, I’m so excited about this.

Tucked up at home

Mar 29, 2014Leave a comment

It’s been a while since I’ve been able to chill out, come home and relax. Today’s post will be short one while I’m appreciating the time and quietness at home. I miss the boys, but I don’t miss halls. Sometimes all you need is simple pleasures, warm pastry in the morning, a quiet bus ride, finishing a book (although the Hunger Games is not simple) and some good home cooked food. The next few days will be about recharging my batteries so I can go back on Tuesday and have a great time before I come back again!

Time out with the guys/ Happy Birthday Ben!

Mar 28, 2014Mar 29, 2014Leave a comment

Despite waking up feeling like I’d swallowed gravel and was living in a heat wave tonight proved to be a great night. After last nights promise of an ‘early night’ (I laugh at myself as I write that, essay inspiration always strikes at midnight) I ended up going to bed at 2am again, not my smartest move. That said I did get 980 words of my essay done, half way and I’m not sure if a word of it makes sense! I got myself up and out of bed this morning, warmish shower and tried to carry on despite feeling like death warmed up. My voice was gone, I couldn’t cool down and all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep. Nope not today, still too much to do! I need to pack, pick up my work camera and get to Ali’s all before 4. After eating and possibly reading more of the Hunger Games (yes I’m now hooked, I have no idea how) I was feeling a bit more human.

Eventually I got to Kingston Hill on time (haha beat that sleep deprived body!) and helped the boys move stuff up for recording while having a lovely little chat with my favourite scouser, Phil. That then turned into a trip to ASDA and it was made pretty clear I’d have to wait to get back to Katniss and Peeta for a little while. I did love it though, me, the boys plus Phil. I felt happy and relaxed, exactly what I’d told my mentor I needed the day before. I was starting to feel sleepy though despite my voice somehow making it back to me and instead of starting on wine when we got back I headed back to Ali’s for food and some rest.

Well that was until we hit the bar with a Jack Daniels and honey in my hand and began dancing around the pool tables, not alone I may add, attempting to play pool a little bit drunk an dancing in an empty SU some more. After all this was a birthday party! Ben is finally 21 (the old man of the band as I have nicknamed his beardyness) and although we lost him a few times it turned out to be a great night of pool, drunk band mates, initiating me as a ‘lad’ and some really embarrassing dancing. It may have been one night but the memories will last a life time :’). In the end we didn’t make it into town, the boys had quite a few pre drinks and after we made sure Rhys got home ok, Dan had his alarm set for the morning and we’d said goodbye to Ben I was sober, and that’s how I write this. We have to be up pretty early tomorrow, the boys are recoding and I’m going home! Maybe I can still get in a chapter or two though…

Flat View number 2

Mar 27, 2014Leave a comment

To say I’ve found flat hunting stressful is an understatement. I’ve done all the right things, gone to the talks, done the research and I still get stressed, worried and nervous. Today was our second flat viewing as a couple, third overall. I really wanted this one to be the one our future home, apparently not so much.

The location was okay, between both of our campuses and it was above a shop, seemed good. Up and early to view and on our first room it seemed promising, two bedrooms (one for our bedroom, another for a study and it even had a lounge which we weren’t expecting. Then we went into the bathroom and kitchen, I didn’t like them but I thought with a clean I might be able to make it work, although honestly something didn’t feel right. Then I found out the people moving out were second years, I asked them to honestly tell me why they weren’t interested in staying (the rent’s very reasonable), at first they didn’t want to say then we got the truth, damp. A lot of damp which get’s painted over.

I’m asthmatic so that wasn’t going to work, although after complaining to the office who gave it to us we were told they were ‘sure it would be sorted’ before we move in. Nuh uh, no way. Right now I’m feeling pretty confused about it all, I just want to find somewhere to live.

Now it’s going to be a lot of looking online and hopefully we’ll find somewhere eventually.

Talking about Depression ‘The Other Side of the Coin’ event and our first flat viewing

Mar 26, 2014Mar 29, 2014Leave a comment

A copy of Lizzie’s tweet, this made me very proud of myself!

After last nights attempt at a video to try and get used to talking to people about depression in a more formal and informative way you’d think I would have been a little less nervous about today. I was, very slightly but that didn’t stop the nerves creeping in after a lack of sleep again. What do I wear? How did I manage to get toothpaste on my top? What did I want to say again? URgh, Urgh, Urgh!

I managed to make it to the lecture room early, much before everyone else and I was calm at this point. I knew I was here on time, Lizzie from the Students Union would be there soon, along with the other speakers whom I had never met before. I soon started chatting to Gabby, a masters student who was going to be part of a small group talking about Bipolar. It was nice to talk to someone else about mental illness before speaking, it put me in the right frame of mind and made me feel safe. There were also two other speakers talking about sight and post traumatic stress disorder. Although I was anxious I really wanted some of my faculty to walk in and support me. A lot of my friends couldn’t make it for various reasons so I was hoping someone I recognised would. I nthe end it was the KUTalent team who eased my nerves (who I have to say took a lot of notes in the lecture.

Before long, despite a smaller turn out than I had thought, we set up the camera and began the lecture/presentation. I was first before running off to a flat viewing. I’ll admit I did feel nervous, would I make an impact? How do I want to come across? Will the videos I watched of others giving speeches have any impact? I hadn’t written anything down but I was hoping I would need to. I started off with the video ‘I have a black dog, his name is depression’ to give people a sense of understanding and hopefully empathy. The talk went well, I focused on my strengths not my weaknesses and incorporated them into what I was trying to say. I put empasis on three things that people with Anxiety and Depression need, time, patience and understanding because these all relate to the idea of ‘good days’ and ‘bad days’, something I wanted to stress and use myself as an example for.

I feel like the tlk went well and was a good opener, from what I could see I got a good response. I also learnt a lot today about others, their determination, their motivation and how they learn. Unfortunately I had to leave before my friends part, I’m sure she was brilliant and after speaking to her after she seemed happy. Although I’m disappointed that more people didn’t come I know they’ll see it. We’ll be using the talk in their training now and I’m hopefully going to work towards raising awareness and being a part of the student support group.

As I mentioned I had to go to mine and Ali’s first flat viewing and it was eventful…in true fashion I ended up hitting a low at the end. Brilliant. As with everyone else the process of flat hunting is stressful, for us it’s a whole different kind of stressful. I’ve never done this before and it’s showing Ali and I parts of our relationship we haven’t had a go at yet. We have argued about flats and where to live and all the rest of it and our first viewing really made me nervous. I’d been to a flat viewing before and the lady was lovely. The flat was spacious but there was something that didn’t feel right. After seeing the bathroom and bedroom I just had a gut instinct of no. By the time we got back to the flat I was in a full scale panic. Had we looked at this, at that? What if we couldn’t live near Kingston Hill, What f they were all the same price, How would we afford things. The list went on and so I sat and cried and lashed out and this is the reality of what I had been talking about. The smallest panic and I can completely lose myself.

Eventually I calmed down, exhausted and we started talking before I got a call from the university. We were being offered the opportunity to view another flat! As if all my prayers had been answered we both called our Mums, we’d look at the flat tomorrow but hopefully this one was it. We decided that we both had to feel comfortable and both Mums gave us some vital advice; don’t rush into things and don’t panic.

With this in mind I think it’ll be easier to sleep tonight. Since Jens left it’s harder to be back at Seething Wells but I’m ok, I think. Just lonely. Hopefully tomorrow will bring some good news, this flat stuff is doing my head in!

Getting Ready to Speak Out

Mar 25, 2014Mar 27, 2014Leave a comment

So I thought I’d try something new today. I’ve been holding off vlogging but I needed to practice my speaking skills! Enjoy 🙂

No rest for the wicked

Mar 24, 2014Jun 24, 2014Leave a comment

As usual for me there is no rest, no stopping just keep going,going,going. After yesterday I’m still feeling happy although obviously a little let down that I haven’t passed, it’s only normal. After last night though and some lovely tea with the boys (I’m slowly making Rhys more and more English mwhaha!!!) I had a little relaxing time and then back to fast fast fast!

Today was also another day of waking up as a bag full of nerves, it was presentation day. I’ve been dreading it for weeks my thought pattern has been driving test, presentation, driving test, presentation on and on and on. I also had my last intro to creative writing class, finally although the seminars are the only part of my course I enjoy so I was sad to see it go, you’ll be pleased to know all my course work is now done for the module, onwards and upwards. Either way one of the members of my group is in the same class and had to sit while I freaked out do our points even match? Have we done what they wanted? Do we know the book enough? Serious overdrive in my mind.

I’ll cut it short and say that the presentation went well, despite my nerves we all pulled it off and it seems to have gone down well even with a joking and slightly cheeky response to a lecturers question at the end (it was what he wanted, don’t worry!) before watching a few more and sprinting off to my first Disabled Students Network meeting. I loved it so much, there was fab people, new friends to be made and new ideas. I’ll even be helping in Disabilities awareness week next week by talking to lecturers about mental illness, such an exciting opportunity!

So must be done now your thinking? Nope one more run to make before my day is finally over. Off to the staff canteen to discuss my student blogs for being a Student Ambassador, different to this one but there are big plans in the process and the best bit? I’m being paid to blog, finally! I’ve wanted this for years and I’ll also be helping people make the right choice about uni. It’s all going pretty well but all I wanted when I got back to my flat was to lie down and sleep, when I worked out that wasn’t happening I decided to wash all my bedding before settling down to eat. Apart form I ended up on a spontaneous trip to Asda with Ali.

So if you don’t mind, I think I need my bed.

10 Things I’m proud I’ve done in my first year

Mar 22, 2014Mar 23, 2014Leave a comment

As I’ve come to the end of teaching in my first year I wanted to look back on 10 thing I’m really proud of. To others these things might not stand out but they meant a lot to me.

1. My Band

It means a lot to me that I met these guys, I’m closer to achieving my dream of being a musician than I ever was before. I’ve found people that took me on even with my faults. The EP might not be done yet but I’m pretty certain it’s going to be something special, here’s to lots of gigging in second year!

2. I made friends

A picture of me and my lovely Jen. I’ve made friends and lost them this year but that’s ok. I was terrified of not having friends this year and I’ve ended up with some good close friends and some more general friends. The point is that I managed to get out there and meet some people and they liked me! I don’t feel like I need more friends next year, although it would be nice. To those reading I may have only put one picture but you know who you are, I love each and every one of you, thank you for a fab year!!

3. I’m (hopefully) making a difference

And so are you! With this blog! I’ve managed to connect with a lot of people through blogging about my own experiences of mental illness and Dyslexia. From the feedback I’m getting and my ongoing work with the university disability department I’m hoping I can continue to make a change and run for disabilities officer next year.

4. I got my driving confidence

So I haven’t passed…yet. Still I’e got more confident with my driving and know I’ll pass before classes start in September and getting my license will be an amazing feeling. My anxiety and dyslexia will not beat me on this!!

5. I was shortlisted for a KU Talent Award

Out of all of the first years that applied I made it to the final 4 for my category. I had a great night with Mum. I wont lie I was gutted that I didn’t win but there’s always next year and third year…

6. I managed to go to a gig a month

I have seen SO MANY bands since I moved here to name a few Deaf Havana, Paramore, Fall Out Boy, You Me At Six, Tonight Alive, We are the in crowd the list goes on an on I’m so lucky and amazed that so far I only missed one month of gigs! I have so many memories, signatures and I’m not sure about what to do with all those gig tickets…

7. I became a Student Ambassador!

Clearly the best job you can get as a student. From 400 that applied to the final 50 that got the job! I’m so thrilled and couldn’t have asked for better. I can’t wait for the next few years of my job!

8. I got more than one first!

2 so far and hopefully more to come….watch this space!

9.I’ve got the confidence to want to do a masters

Not my best English but I’ve gone from saying I wont go to uni a few years ago to actively saving for my masters degree at Kingston. I nevver thought I’d get this far so I better make the most of it…

10. I survived

This is a huge thing back in September I was terrified. How would I live, handle money, have time with Ali, do all the reading, pass, learn how to cook. I might be exhausted at the moment but I’ve survived and I know I can live away from home now. I wont go as far as saying I’m a grown up but I’ve surprised myself.

So there is just 10 things. I wrote this because I know how up and down I’ve been feeling lately. Writing this blog isn’t always easy when my moods are against me, which in the last few weeks they have been. I’ve been feeling bad lately meaning that thinking of these positive things hasn’t been easy, it’s been a huge struggle. I think overall though I’m doing better, I’ll have blips just like anyone but I’m starting to get better. As a note to you all, I promised an entire year so I will continue writing for fresher until August 31st, then you will be pleased to know I will start ‘Surviving Second Year’ a whole more year for you all! Here’s to a fab summer and the rest of my degree!

Last day but still so much to do

Mar 21, 2014Mar 22, 2014Leave a comment

Today was my last day of first year! All my classes are over and technically apart from submissions online I’m on my summer holidays, what a weird feeling to have in March. Unlike my fellow students I am back at Ali’s flat by midnight, not because I didn’t want to party but because I wanted to just curl up and sleep and get away from very rude boys at the SU (although I’m sure if Rhys had caught them they wouldn’t have been so cocky).

To put it lightly for a last day it’s been stressful I hate being a downer but I didn’t enjoy myself today. I’ve been feeling up and down all day and the downs have slightly taken over, it didn’t help that only one person in Creative Writing wished me a nice summer, and I did him, he’s a nice guy. I do wish I’d made more friends in those classes but at the same time it doesn’t matter. I made it through a year of the classes and now if all goes to plan I get to switch to English Lit and the stress will be worth it… I hope. So why so sad you ask? Well housing is driving me mad and I’ve had both some positive and negative responses about the blog lately. People are saying its a world wide web diary. It’s not. It’s me trying to share my experiences and help others through their own with what has worked for me. If this was a diary it would be a lot more angry haha!

So between feeling a bit lonely about my CW course, confused about what I’m meant to do now classes are over and generally tired and stressed about housing and second year all I really want right now is to curl up in bed with a nice cup of tea and try not to worry about one looming deadline in particular…

Here’s to tomorrow, my first day of summer…apparently!

Fall Out Boy!!

Mar 20, 2014Mar 22, 2014Leave a comment

Tonight will be a quick post about tonight’s concert, Fall Out Boy! I was lucky enough to get my sister and I tickets for her christmas present, as if that wasn’t enough my Nanna surprised me at the station with my Mum, it was lovely to see her as I don’t as much now I’ve moved up to Kingston. It was also amazing to spend some time with my baby sister and see her enjoying similar music to what I do, we still have a long way to go (even if I beat the One Direction out of her, I’m kidding!) but for tonight we got to rock out. Opening up was New Politics, a damn crazy band from Denmark who I really enjoyed actually then The Pretty Wreckless which I have to say for a band I’ve wanted to see since I was 14 I wasn’t that impressed the singer kind of either stood still making sex noises or crawled around the stage or up the other members…it was interesting. For the main event, Fall Out Boy! You could definitely tell the old fans (me) and the newbies (my sister) by the resonses to different songs. I knew all the words to the old stuff and went pretty crazy and my sister did that to the new album. It’s good I suppose, different fans but it was once concert when I didn’t feel a sense of togetherness and Pete speaks, a lot, a lot, alot.

So here are some picture from tonight! Although not the best I’ve taken but I took them with my sister, which was amazing. Hopefully it’s the first of many gigs together.