Motivation…where are you?

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We all get to that point where everything kind of slows down, I guess I’ve reached that point on the blog. I promised you I’d be completely honest and I need to say that I was starting to get to a point where I was running out of ideas. What did I want to write about? What did you guys want to read? Is there a magical formulae so that I can interact with a load of people.

The problem with that is you then start comparing yourself to people. I LOVE Hannah Gale, I see her blog in all its beauty and wish I was doing that well, I look at Youtubers and see how well they’re doing, then I move on to musicians (don’t even GO there). You get into this totally self absorbed spiral of what you’re not and then, for me at least, an huge tidal wave of anxiety. The conversation kind of goes like this –

My brain: What are you doing? Why has it taken you three hours to even start a blog post? 

Me: I don’t know I’m just struggling with what to write about 

My brain: Look at all the other bloggers, vloggers, musicians they’re all doing something why aren’t you? Also while you’re at it finish that assignment, you know you’re not going to get 70%  but you still need to do it.

Me: Gee thanks brain, I knew that already

My brain: Well if you knew that why did you get up, go back to bed, go on be off with you. 

Me: You’re right, off to bed I go. 

It’s this horrible conversation I have with myself, even when deep down I know I’ve been doing really well. It’s this approval that seems to be needed with online work, we’re anxious by the amount of followers, likes, subscribers and job opportunities we get. We want book deals and big houses and, well, to be like the successful people we see.

It takes a minute though to realise that although we see these people as ‘real’ most of the time people only show the best of themselves. Do I share every dark thought I ever have when I’m on a low? No. Does Emma Blackberry film when she has a huge block of what to talk about? I doubt it. Do I think that Hannah Gale is perfect all of the time? No, she’s bloody honest that she struggles sometimes and that is why I love her blog. And for the likes of my sister and her friends who are obsessed with Zoella, I have no doubt that there is now a persona that she has created for her channel.

I suppose I’m just working out what I’m doing with the blog, I never started it with the hope to make money. I wrote because I enjoyed it and I thought I could share my experiences with other people, which I’m still doing. Other than that I’m hoping to start some book reviews on here, once a week just as something different and I kind of miss my old blog.

So with that I think I’m a little bit more motivated…I wonder if it’s enough for that essay…

If you would like to read Hannah Gale’s blog (which I would recommend) the link is here.

UKIP has invaded my home town

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Most of the UK watched the Leaders debate this week and unfortunately UKIP were part of it. The,quite frankly racist, party showed themselves up again in the form of Farage, on basically every issue he blamed immigration or the EU, after a while I tuned out to his answers.

After shoving the nasty little man and his followers in the back of my brain imagine, you can imagine how shocked I was to find that a UKIP office had popped up in my home town. I was shocked, angry and in awe that the people of my town had let this monstrosity come to be. I’m not going to lie, I’m also a little terrified that they must have backing here although I don’t understand how.

I hope more than anything they never get into power in this country, because if they do we can kiss what we know as freedom, community and happiness goodbye.

Basingstoke Boredom

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My home town is boring. There I said it. I’m laying here on the sofa in the living room, supposedly doing my essay and watching reruns of How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory. My Mum’s busy, Dad at work, Summer’s out, Grandparents out and I’m skint (loan day could not come quick enough!).

I was supposed to be spending this afternoon in town meeting some friends but they’ve since had to cancel and, well, I thought I should write something because the likelyhood is that not much is going to change between now and tonight.

So there you go, my exciting student life is currently watching reruns and trying not to avoid this essay…

April already!

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It’s April already…April! Apparently the time for Easter and sunshine and the blooms of spring, I don’t know about anyone else but all I saw today was rain and wind, oh and a little bit more rain. I suppose it’s going to be more April showers this month, which is a damn shame as the end of March was looking so lush.

When it’s cold, wet and rainy I just like to curl up with a blanket and either an Ali or a good book. Tonight I can only do one of those as I’m back in Basingstoke for a few days, yaaaay. So I’m missing an Ali and writing this super late because I can’t sleep. I know it’s not just because Ali’s not here, he was away all weekend and I slept fine, it may be because of the lack of double bed though…I’ve gotten way too used to it.

Anyway aside from my ramblings here are 5 pictureless things (phone has gone in for replacement/repair) that are going to be great about April.

1. Easter!!!! 

I’m not religious in the slightest, but a whole holiday where you get given chocolate? GIMMIE!

2. I’m finished with uni

No more 9am lectures, more time for a good mix of lie ins, day long practices. more horse riding and working to earn some moneeeeey.

3. A trip to Durham

I’m off to see Ali’s Dad’s side of the family up north this month, I know it will be bloody freezing but I’m excited to see everyone!

4. It’s one month until I head to Prague

Going on a mad one with my giiiiiiiiirrrrrrlllllls!

5. It’s one month until I travel to Athens

Sunshine, a week of solid writing and my first solo trip to another country eeeek!

Image found on Pinterest.

Phone Woes

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I’ve been quite quiet on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. I wish it was for some glamorous reason like I’ve been playing loads of shows or been doing something equally interesting but it’s not, I managed to drop my phone down the toilet…yes I know you’re laughing. Luckily I have insurance, student insurance, and my phone will be repaired or replaced in the next week or so. I have to say Endsleigh have been fantastic, my claim was dealt with within 2 hours of putting the claim in and then 2 hours after that I was on the phone to the engineer for it to be picked up tomorrow. Super speedy service and definitely worth the money! I’m not sponsored I promise….although if Endsleigh do want a student blogger… 😉

Nothing else that interesting happened today, well apart from a really good band practice and lots of sunshiiiiiine! I’m off home tomorrow so all blogs WILL be uploaded!

Taa for now!

Living in the Library

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For the last two days, I have spent my life in the library. Laptop, piles of books and a large amount of sugar to get us through me and Eleanor hit the library, hard. There are a lot of assignments to get through, I have Independent Research (4000 words), Victorian to Modernist (1500 words), 20th-21st Century (2000 words) and Locating Literature (2500 words). So all in all 10,000 words, the amount of words I’ll be handing in  for my dissertation this time next year.

So for the foreseeable future I will be camping out with library, possible falling asleep on piles of books (as I did last year) before settling down for some time to myself before starting my reading for next year. It’s not that interesting but I did have some good company to keep me going. Only 4600 to go words to go!

My Big Mouth: Stigma needs to stop!

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You can’t fail to have noticed the coverage over the last few days about the terrible end to the Germanwings flight, with reports stating that the co pilot deliberately crashed the plane to attempt suicide. This is a terrible tragedy with so many lives lost, however, that is not what has chilled me the most.

The pilot, it is reported, had mental health issues. I am not in any way justifying what he did by killing all those people who did not want or deserve to die, but if he was this depressed who knows what was going through his head. With this in mind I need to stress that the British media in particular are handling this information in a disgusting and shocking way. With papers calling him a ‘mad man’ and asking questions such as ‘why was he allowed to fly?’ many mental health sufferers will have felt a familiar sense of dread.

It’s easy, when people are angry, to have knee jerk reactions but when almost all of the press are taking the same angle it is terrifying. I know that in this country in the next few weeks anyone who declares a mental health problem is going to be scrutinised more now, due to the way in which this has been handled by the media. It’s a terrible case and I don’t think we’ll ever know why he did what he did. Like everyone else I am shocked and angry that he took all of those other people with him, including children.

I do have something to say though. I have mental health issues, I write about them each and every day. Events like this fill me with fear because of how other people judge people with mental health problems. While most people understand that we are just like anybody else, others can’t seem to grasp the concept that we are just like everybody else!!!! I’ve had depression for more than a quarter of my life now and guess what? I don’t want to hurt anyone, I don’t want to be violent towards anyone and if I ever feel angry or anything like that I am the one I direct it to. Yes I might snap at people if I’m angry but this idea that people with mental health issues (that’s around 1 in 4 of us by the way) want to attack and hurt others is wrong and so, so rare. We are not going to get anywhere as a society until we start trying to stamp out this stigma! With the press saying ‘mad man’ and such we’re moving backwards.

I have to say though, the amount of people who have come forward to say that they are depressed and still working, still strong has been incredible to see. The BBC I can do nothing but applaud for their coverage of the crash, and now investigation. We cannot let one individual shape a quarter of our society! I for one won’t let that happen. So many incredible people I know have or have had a mental health issue, but they’re getting there. It might take a little longer or a different route but the world wouldn’t be what it is today if everyone with an issue was locked away and forbidden to work.

People are only going to be scared of mental health while they live in ignorance, education really is the key here.

So many positive things!

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Today was my last day of lectures for my second year! The next time I go into a lecture it will be the final year of my undergrad degree! It’s gone stupidly fast! So to celebrate that fact, yesterdays good news that I’m going to Athens( !!!) and that I’ve been feeling really good about myself lately.

So this morning I got up (admittedly after hitting the off button on my alarm and missing my lecture) and got to work helping Ali finish his assignment, while also buying myself tickets to see Sarah Millican next year and booked my flights and hotel for Athens. Then off to uni, the hospital for blood tests, lunch with Dani, a quick Primark dash (seriously, one of my FAVOURITE shops on the high street) and then off to band practice. I never stop being busy.

I’m finally doing it, I’m finally taking hold of my life and making things happen. I’m travelling with a few breaks planned this year, Durham, Prague, Athens and Amsterdam for my birthday. The band and I are getting ready to have a busy summer, I’m going to be working, writing and hopefully a lot more swimming and riding.

I wanted to write this to all of you because I’m aware I haven’t been as perky as usual and while I’m trying to to fall asleep while I write this, as well as having a stack of blogs to upload this weekend, I’m finally really happy. I have incredible friends, family, an amazing relationship, my band and of course my education, which means so much to me. Basically I’m feeling positive and I’ll hold on to that as long as I can.