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Hedgehog Watching

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I’m home! Surprise! 

I’m happy, so, so happy to be home and relaxing. I’ve been surprising people since I got back. No one but my Mum knew again and I loved the looks on my families faces, especially my grandparents! I spent this evening watching hedgehogs with Gramps in their garden, he’s kind of adopted them and feeds them every night. Sometimes they’ll come up to him and walk around, it’s cute and I’m so glad I finally got to see them eating. 

I’m also in my new room, which is really weird but I really enjoy it. It’s a lot smaller but it’s kinda homely. I’ve unpacked some of my books which I brought back with me and I’ve cleared out some of the boxes. It wont be long until I head back for a month/the summer. Today another one of my flat mates moved out and headed back to India, another will be leaving this week and then another at the end of the month, soon it will just be me and one other flat mate. It’s going to be even quieter….if that can happen. It’s because of this I’ve bought new books and I’m going to be trying to get out more as well and do more things, if I can. 

I’m going to enjoy curling up in my new room and relax for a few days before heading back. Besides, I’ll be back in a few weeks I have a cupcake class with Mum, her birthday and fathers day around the corner! 

Through the other side

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It’s impossible to notice that I haven’t been as bright and breezy as I could have been lately. My posts haven’t been very long or interesting. I want to be honest with you guys because you take the time to sit and read through my blog a lot and I get support from you all, more than you probably know. 

Since I’ve got back I’ve been struggling quite a lot and it’s not fair on a lot of people, especially me. I wanted to publish a book on the best uni experience later on and give advice. I wanted to be cool and a great fresher and just do so many amazing things and just, well, be perfect. Thing is I’m not and no one should go to uni thinking like that. 

The last week or so have been tough. I posted a few days ago on twitter that books and silence have become my life. Largely they have. I’ve just sat in my room and read constantly. You know the saying silence is deafening? It’s true. I’ve hidden away in my room and stayed in silence, music hasn’t played. I don’t know what happened to me, I cam back and I was so happy and excited but when I’m stuck in this room I don’t know what to do any more. I don’t have work to make me concentrate I just kind of read, constantly.

I was so excited about going to band practice this week and then when I was there it just all got a bit too much. It was weird I hate being alone but being surrounded by noise was so weird. The weeks just dragged on really. Yesterday was different  I’d been down again but going to work cheered me up and then I got to stay with Ali and despite being up ill all night I feel so much better. 

I wanted to tell you all this because I’m trying. This is harder now uni is over for the summer but now I’m happy again I can see all the amazing things I’ve done this year. I’m coming through the other side, I have a great job, this amazing band. I’ve just got to slow down and realise that these things take time. I have this illness but it’s not who I am. It’s just a part of me that might go away, it might not I don’t know. Right now, I’n getting through this and I’m going to be ok. 

Taking over Twitter

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My first Twitter Takeover! 

Not many people have jobs where you can arrive in the worst mood, full of anxiety and upset but leave bursting with happiness. Today we were ‘taking over’ twitter, the student ambassadors were let loose! I’d never met my fellow ambassadors before today but we worked really well answering questions, chatting and eating some lovely biscuits. The best part? I got paid to tweet! Score! 

Learning to sign

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It’s been well over a month since classes ended and I’ve been starting to get to the point of boredom that I didn’t know existed. I’ve been reading constantly, watching old TV shows, sleeping and generally just wandering around. 

So I’ve started watching a new TV show called switched at birth on Netflix and one of the main characters and many of the supporting characters are deaf. I’ve always been fascinated with sign language and used to watch videos of sign language because I thought it was incredible. The way deaf people learn and the way they communicate with their hands, to me is just beautiful and so, so smart. 

So I’ve been looking into learning British Sign Language over the summer. It seems like something worth doing and who knows I could even help someone at some point. Although I’ve been looking at it it in regards to working and you need all kinds of certificates and masters and all that kind of stuff. So for now it’s hopefully just going to be something that I do and I’ll go for there. I’m hoping that by the time I come back to uni in September I’ll have my level 1 and be able to incorporate this into my work with disabled students! 

Books, Books, Books

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I have just finished my 6th book in a matter of days. This is going to be a short one tonight, my life has become silence and books. There isn’t much to update you on. Aside from seeing the boys yesterday there really hasn’t been anything going on. I just sit in my room and read, go to sainsburys then read some more. I gets pretty lonely some times, but the books keep me good company. 

The Pub.

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I left for the pub this afternoon feeling pretty down, I came back and remembered why it’s such a special place. No, I’m not drunk. I like the pub more than clubs because you can just sit and talk, you can sort things out with or without a pint and it’s a relaxed atmosphere. The band needed to bond today (well 4 of us, Dan’s still away) and although I was hesitant at first I went (while gaining a compliment on the way in, putting me in a better mood). We talked and things got sorted out that we’re previously really worrying. With all the heavy stuff behind us we were able to just relax and have fun and now I’m planning a trip to the US of A while the boys go and watch a film. The pubs worked it’s magic again. 

All of me

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Sometimes you give all of yourself to something, only to feel like you’ve failed anyway. It’s the worst feeling in the world, especially when history begins to repeat itself. You question yourself, doubt yourself. If you’re like me you have this constant feeling it must be your fault, even if it’s not. Music is healing for me but because it’s what I want to do with my life it can shatter my heart as if it were made of glass.

If I want to make myself understand something I’ll write a song or sometimes if I’m lucky enough I’ll find one that already says everything I need to say, because I don’t know how to say it myself. you may think this is pretty down but today had, for the majority, been a good day. I love waking up next to Ali, it gives me a boost in the morning, I feel loved. It’s like when I go home I like hearing people in the house, I like feeling like there is someone there, like I’m not alone.

Right now I can’t wait to get out of halls, to leave it and get away. I don’t feel happy in this room, I feel lonely and isolated. I don’t feel like I have anyone to turn to or talk to. I am completely and utterly alone here. It’s sad and I haven’t wanted to admit it but it’s true. I read and listen to music here but that seems to be all. I try and make sure I’m not here, even when I’m tired.

I’ve gotten slightly off topic now. Either way I don’t want to give up, I want to carry on but sometimes it’s the last thing on my damn mind. Today I’m mad, I’m mad at so many things and I just don’t know what to do about so many things.

Friday night cup of tea and thinking

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I’m spending my Friday night sitting in Ali’s flat, watching Emma Blackery on YouTube and contemplating making myself a cup of tea. I don’t know why but despite my plans to go out and drink tonight I really didn’t want to.

I don’t know what’s got into me today. I woke up feeling shit, I picked up a bit but there are things going on at the moment that just make me upset. Things on one side are going really well, I’m so lucky to be mending friendships that have been unraveled in the past few months, understanding myself and academically I’m doing better than I ever have in my life. Then one thing can just piss me off and upset me.

If I’m honest I’m finding my school placement really hard. I haven’t spent time in a school since I was 16 and even then I was hardly there. For me school wasn’t anything I enjoyed it was a battlefield, it was hard. The school itself is lovely, the staff are brilliant and the kids are still slightly wary. The problem is that a secondary school was the place that I was at my lowest, I still get down thinking about it sometimes and every now and again one of the old nightmares may flare up. It’s horrible waking up from those when I’m on my own, I suppose that’s what’s had me thinking about it a lot really. The nightmare was a few days before I started placement which I suppose highlighted the fact I was nervous about it.

While I’m working and doing the experience I’m realising more and more I could never teach in a secondary school as a job. I don’t like the feeling of it, the way it runs, the memories I have myself. It would be the same in any school. I love visting schools, educating them in diferent ways but to be there day in, day out? I can’t do it because this is the thing, your own experiences never leave you. I worry about my sister all the time, even though she is such a different kid to the one I was. She’s smart, she’s funny and she never has any problems standing up for herself or making friends and I absolutely love it. I love that she is that way and as strange as it sounds I wish I was the little sister who could look up to her because she’s bloody brilliant.

I don’t really know what this is about, I don’t know why I’m writing. I suppose it’s just a way for me to understand when I feel like this. I’ve been restless, annoyed, happy everything today. I’m looking forward to a quiet weekend I honestly want to curl up, not do to much and then take on the world again starting Monday.

Back where I belong

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So, as you’ve noticed the blog are gradually getting longer again the posts getting happier but maybe not as full. I’ve been on break now for over a month and for the past few weeks the boys and I have been at home for the holidays…meaning no band practice. I didn’t realise how restless I’d get, how much I’d miss the banter with the boys. So Easter break was weird to be honest, I missed the chaos, the music and I was desperate to get back to those rooms and start preparing for Basingstoke Live in a few months. 

Today I got to and it just felt so amazing, even if I’m not slightly deaf in my left ear….cymbals are loud. There was just an energy, a togetherness in the room. I know it sounds stupid but I just felt so happy when I left tonight. We practiced, we messed up, we laughed and then it was off to the bar and finishing the night with chicken and sleep (Ali and Rhys had about 3 hours sleep between them because of assignments…typical students). 

Now the boys are back, the buses are running again and I feel a bit more free and back where I belong really. 

Trialling Teaching

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Up bright and early, at two…and then again at six thirty, you know the time I actually meant to get up. On an off point the things that you hear around here at two in the morning are really, really weird. Surprisingly I was ok getting up this morning and managed to make it to the meeting point for 7.30 where I met a fellow Seething Wells student, Rukia. We trekked to the school and ended up being an hour early which was nice because we got to know each other and it made us relax. 

The meeting started slightly late but soon got going with only 3 of us going today. After a tour and a chat we were able to get to work meeting the department and watching the students. It was interesting at times and I’m hoping it will get better as I continue, I still don’t have any overwhelming feeling to become a teacher and I don’t know how much I’ll write about it on this blog, we shall see. That said, the staff I’m going to be working with are fab and so easy to get on with. 

Let’s just see how this goes 🙂