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I have to say it

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I’m feeling low, there I said it, I typed what I’ve wanted to type for days. I’m trying so hard to be positive and thankful all the time but I’m so worried about all this. No one tells me what’s really going on and I’m losing all my faith in the NHS, which I hate. I’ve always been someone who shouts how great it is and for most of the time (apart from my mental health) I’ve been seen and sorted with kindess and concern. Now I don’t know if it’s because I’m older but no one who’s supposed to be taking care of me medically cares.

Everyone’s telling me to do this, do that, don’t to this blah, blah,blah. The thing is? The people I need to tell me the stuff I can and can’t do aren’t listening. I’ve had these fractures for 3 weeks and by sobbing in A&E last night it’s the only way it’s been pushed through. I was treated like shit by the doctor last night, he didn’t care, he any sympathy, I waited 4 hours for his rudeness.

I feel so lost and lonely. Ali’s working his arse off looking after me, my parents and grandparents are all worried and I hate it. I hate it. Sometimes I want to scream and launch things because this is the kind of low I’ve never experienced before. I can’t just do what I normally do when I’m going into a low, go from along walk to clear my head because that walk leaves me in a lot of pain and having to lie down and think again. I’m fed up, lonely and so worried about what’s going on with me spine. Am I crazy?

I’m supposed to be going for a meal with work tonight, I’m a ball of anxiety and not wanting to go. You watch me walk and you know something’s wrong. I know Joe’s going to have to help me tonight and, well, I’m fiercely independent and to me it’s just embarrassing.

I’m sorry to write such negativity, I might change my mind later if/when I go out. I just need a hug and hopefully I’ll sleep this low off later. I really, really hope so. Maybe I’ll write again later.

Much love to you all and thank you for your support x

Silver Linings

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In my Creative Writing classes if we used the cliché of ‘Every Cloud has a Silver Lining’ we’d be in for it. I hadn’t really thought of things being that way but Dani sent me a text the other day reminding me and I thought, yeah actually she’s right.

I’ve had a few few things in my life not go to plan or not go very well. Take for instance failing my driving test 4 times, the first time I walked into my house, decided I couldn’t hold it together and launched my shoes at the wall. Once I’d calmed down my Mum said she knew that I’d have a melt-down because I’d never failed before, not in any sort of test. I kind of needed to fail then I think, I needed to to remind me that things could take time and that’s ok. Don’t get me wrong I wish my parents and I hadn’t had to pay out hundreds of pounds before I passed in my 5th test but there was a silver lining there.

Another thing, my time at school. I don’t write about it much on here, I might some day to do a post on bullying. So it was horrendous, I was spat at, beaten up, spiralled into my darkest days of depression and for the most part left by my school to spiral more and more until my parents took me out for exams. That said, I can’t write school off as a totally negative experience, it’s where I met the love of my life. It’s where I kept forgetting a girls name and calling her Frizz who 5 years later gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who is now my goddaughter. Again, another silver lining.

And now my back. If I’m honest it’s really hard to see silver linings at the moment, my days are long and boring. So I’ve tried to find some and there are there a little. I can’t go to Prague, but I am allowed to go to the Society Awards where hopefully Horse Riding will win a few awards. I’ve been stuck in bed as it’s the only place I’m really comfortable, but I have had time to go over and submit my assignments as well as read any book I want too at the moment.

I try to remember this in times when I’m really low. If you’re reading this and thinking I can’t do it, I feel too bad, that’s okay! I know the feeling of being so low and shitty that there aren’t any positives and if there are you’re hurting too much to care. I’ve been there. Like most of us I’m just trying to have a little bit of positivity 🙂

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I’m not giving up.

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I’ve spent a lot of time thinking for the past few days and it’s not always been positive. Being stuck indoors and not allowed to even clean when I feel like it has been getting me down, as has being in pain whenever I get up or go for a walk. I mean I’m human, those kinds of things would make most people fed up.

I haven’t slept much since yesterday and my painkillers are definitely kicking in because I’m sleepy as I write this (hooray!). I’ve been trying to get on with things as much as possible and without realising it I’ve gotten quite a lot done today, going for a walk to get parts of Eleanor’s leaving present, submitting my final assignments (yay!) and reading over a quarter of another book.

It’s weird knowing that I have 6 weeks of recovery and not doing too much, 6 weeks of living with this and not being able to go at a million miles per hour like I normally do, it’s going to take a bit of getting used to. I promised I’d be honest, I’ve been really low at times since this happened and cried a lot, mostly out of frustration. I feel slowed down and tired and I just want to do everything like normal. Ali says just think of it as a little holiday, do things I want to do and relax, I suppose he’s right to some extent.

I started reading Katie Piper’s Beautiful Ever After, she’s cheered me up once again. I was meant to meet Katie at the KU Talent Awards this year, she was supposed to be hosting but got rushed to hospital instead. I was gutted not to meet her but obviously glad that she was going to be ok, I’m hoping she’ll still come and visit Kingston because she’s an inspiration to me. So I’ve just sat reading the book and it’s made me smile and not feel so low. It’s also inspired me to use these 6 weeks to do something. I just want to write at the moment, I might take a crack at the novel again, write the blog and add more of my experiences and do some mental health work. I can use my recovery time to do some good through my laptop 🙂

In short, I’m not giving up. I’m not silly enough to believe that writing this post is going to magically change my mindset and there will be no more tears or frustrations, there will because I’m human. I just hope that I can start something good while I’m stuck with not a lot to do.

Please, please, please use the comments section below! I’d love to use this time to chat to you guys! Or drop me a tweet @chloemetzger 🙂

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Little things to cheer me up

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I’ve been waiting to write this post all day, but at the same time not sure to write about. I’ve been feeling pretty low today, miserable from not really being able to do anything. As soon as I feel miserable though, I also feel guilty and remember how lucky I am, which makes me feel worse a horrible cycle. Ali’s been amazing, as usual and won’t let me lift a finger. He’s gotten very cautious about making sure that my back stays as strain free as possible.

Today’s revolved around my laptop, my bed, taking my medication and books to be precise finishing 2 books in 24 hours. If I do 2 books in a day, I’ll be burning through my bookcase by the time I get to fracture clinic! I just keep reading, writing and I’ll submit my final essay of the year once I can have a read and I’m not exhausted. Aside from all that I finally managed to convince Ali that I’d be ok on my own he’s gone to airsofting with the lads. I’d resigned to an evening on my own with a take away for one and a box of chocolates but Laura stepped in so I could go outside and get some chips 🙂

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Laura and I 

It’s nice to just have little trips out, even if I’m completely exhausted after. I need to get out occasionally because it can get a little disheartening just being stuck here and being in a lot of pain. I need to listen to the pain now and not just brush it off, which if I’m honest makes me really nervous. I know how serious this is now and how easily something could put me in a back brace.

I had another nice little surprise when I got home, my hamsters were awake. I tried to play with them, see what they wanted to do and something amazing happened.  They stayed calm and just let me stroke them, didn’t even try to move which means they really are getting used to me 🙂 It’s the little things that make me smile the most.

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Noodle (left) and Hamski (right) chilling together

What’s in store for tomorrow? Probably more sleeping because all my body seems to want to do is sleep. I’ll be reading more books, possibly writing some more, editing and I think I have a few uploads here to do as well. As well as that I’ll be submitting my FINAL ASSIGNMENT OF THE YEAR YIPPIE!!!! So it’s taking a while but hopefully my x-rays in 2 weeks will show an improvement 🙂

Being very lucky

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I’d dropped off the radar for a few days from Twitter, Facebook kind of because I got some shocking news yesterday about my fall. I’d been called back into St Heliers Hospital after my GP got a letter saying that they had gotten something wrong. I spent 7 hours in hospital yesterday with people looking at my spine, checking me, taking my blood pressure, having an MRI scan (which was absolutely horrible) and waiting some more. The result? I’ve gone from being told I have nothing wrong to having three fractured vertebrae, possibly a fourth that they’re not sure about. I’m also told that they’re not sure how I’m walking around as I am, basically I’m lucky to be walking and not to have to have surgery. For now I’m in the clear for surgery as I have stable fractures, hopefully they’ll stay that way.

For the next 10 days at least there is no driving, no shows, no carrying my handbag. I’m stuck either in the flat or for little trips out. In short, I’m very lucky to be walking and to be the way I am I just have to be extremely careful. If I’m honest, I’m heartbroken more than anything. I was living and breathing for riding this year, it was always the best day of the week, Wednesday. So I feel really gutted and a bit back to square one, I’ve had to cancel Prague and shows and my parents as well as Ali had to spend hours and hours in a hospital.

So hopefully these blogs will be updated because I really don’t have much else left to do. Everyone is being so good to be at the moment and to be honest my anxiety is sky high worrying about the fractures moving and you know what? I’m really, really angry that this was missed one, I could have forgiven but three or four is just not on. Now I just have to wait to go to fracture clinic for more x rays and hopefully all will be well until then.

Book Review – Reasons to Stay Alive – Matt Haig

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What are the reasons to stay alive? When you feel like there isn’t much left in the world and the people you love would be better off without you. This is the position Matt Haig found himself in during his 20s as he decided to commit suicide. Now I know what you’re thinking, what a cheerful book why would I read that but I’m here to change your mind. Haig writes with intelligence, kindness and has the ability to make you laugh in this book. I picked this up after hearing a lot about it and I was curious. Was this going to be some slep help guide where the key to depression was ‘positive thinking and getting on with it’, you’ll be pleased to know that I have road tested it and it is not one of those awful books.

If you know anyone with depression, you’re experiencing it or you’ve been through it you need to read this. Actually scratch that I think everyone should read this book. Haig has done something astounding with this book because he’s honest. He’s honest in the fact that he doesn’t pretend that depression magically goes away or that you forget your lowest points. The book is a mix of facts, lists, experiences and things that might help. Don’t get me wrong this isn’t a ‘how to get better guide’, far from it, this is a book that helps people understand a truly confusing illness.

This is the only book I’ve read so far that makes sense to me, that makes me feel like I’ve come really far because a lot of the situations that are mentioned in the book are ones that I have lived through. There are things that are hard to understand, like why walking to the corner shop would send someone into a wave of panic, anxiety and fear. I’ve been there. I’ve been trapped in my own head and Haig has explained it perfectly, so much so that I’ve recommended this book to various people wither as a way of understanding or to for them to make sense of themselves.

I will give this book 5 stars *****, Haig is an absolute god of a writer in my eyes. He proves to us that this is a medical illness and like with most illnesses it is possible to get better, it’s possible to have relapses. The stories of his struggles and that of his girlfriend and family are ones that will hit a chord with a lot of us, but he reminds people that it’s ok to feel this way. It reminds things get and sometimes us that we’re all human too much. I very much feel that Haig is going to be a part of the revolution in how we think about mental health and I’m really, very excited about that.

Get on with it girl!

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I love blogging, I really, really do and if I could stop bumbling along and work out how to upload a video to Youtube without it taking 6 hours I’d do that too. Recently I’ve been really shitty with uploading. So I’ve decided this is it, I’m almost on summer break and I need to get my butt in gear with this blogging thing. I’m nearly at 200 followers, one day I might even reach 2000, now THAT would be cool.

So I’ve making myself sit down and go through any I need to upload over the next few weeks, plan any I need to plan and possibly think about that Youtube thing…possibly. Although that said I don’t really know what I’d want to do with a Youtube channel so maybe I’ll leave that for a while because you guys seem pretty happy with just reading through (thanks)!

What have I got coming up? Ok this is where you decide you still want to follow me and recommend me to friends/ share my link (pretty pleeeeeeeeeeease!). The next few months are either going to be really busy or dead slow, always one extreme. I have Prague coming up, Athens, some band related stuff that I can’t announce yet (that’s driving me mad), hopefully I’ll be working, writing some stuff, back in the studio, booking more shows and hamster related antics.

So this my pledge to you my amazing readers I’m going to try and get on with this and focus! After all, it’s all going to be crazy with 3rd year next year!

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This is determination Chloe! She will be coming back! 

Seeing the Vamps with Sums

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It’s not every night you go to a show feeling super old! Tonight my sister finally got to see The Vamps, her christmas present from me. The show was full of screaming teens and pre teens with a very strange mix of music. I don’t mind the Vamps, they seem nice enough and all play their instruments quite well so it was nice to see that instead of the synchronized dance robots that my sister normally watches.

As usual Summer was her absolutely crazy self, although she refused to be a ‘screamer’ and actually laughed at the girls who did. Danced to all the covers the band did and shocked me by knowing the lyrics to My Chems ‘Teenagers’ (another cover I really didn’t expect).

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I love taking my sister to shows, admittedly I like the rock shows much more, it’s great to be able to treat her and just see her fall in love with live music the same way I did (our Mum has been taking us to concerts since we were about 5 years old).

All in all, I may be wincing right now from my back but I really enjoyed spending time with my crazy sister. So I’m off to bed and hoping the hamsters won’t keep me up too much.

Why don’t I study music?

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This picture belongs to Kingston University 

Today and tonight I got to perform with the boys songwriting class. I’m exhausted but also super proud and happy. The boys are incredible at what they do and although I don’t want to make their heads any bigger, the fours of them are all really impressive musicians. I’d been a bit reserved about doing the performance this week because of deadlines and being exhausted but I’m so pleased I did. I got to see a different side to what they do, as well as being able to watch Ali mix a live show and appreciate how tricky it is.

I love the buzz of performing and the pride that comes with finishing a song and tonight, like the other times I’ve performed I got asked why don’t you study music? There were times today that I wondered that myself. It’s not that I think you won’t get a job or that it’s not a good idea, I think it’s great to do something you’re passionate about and to hell with anyone else! I think I just done it at school, got disheartened with it at college and decided I needed music as a release, not a source of stress.

I love music and I definitely couldn’t live without it but I also love literature. I love the challenge and the interpretation, it’s kind of like why I love music. I can just let go and it’s like another part of me. I need music to be that I think, I can work hard but let got at the same time, I don’t know. So why don’t I study it, because I think I need it for myself too much.