Writers Block

I have a confession to make. I have writers block. That damn sneaky little thing that drains all of your ideas and then laughs at you. You know the one, you’re all hyped up, let’s do this and then you get to a blank page and…

Yup, that’s as far as I get.

I can’t get ideas for songs out of my brain, I fell like just curling up in bed when I think about trying to physically write my blog ideas and as for my novel? Don’t even go there. I wanted to keep you all updated because this is a part of being a writer. Well, I think so and most other people I know think so too. In fact I got taught that even in essay writing procrastination is a part of the writing process. You read it right, scrolling through Youtube or Reddit for hours can now be called part of your ‘creative process’.

So if I’m so blocked how am I writing this? Well that you see if part of my plan. Write my thoughts, write some plans and I’m hoping by Monday the best shall be gone and I can come out of all this with an album’s worth of songs, 20 blog posts and two novels (I might be slightly optimistic there, slightly).

Anyway I hope you’ve enjoyed my little post tonight as always leave a comment! I love talking to you guys! 😀

Book Review: The Lost and The Found – Cat Clarke

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Thirteen years ago your sister was kidnapped now she’s been let go and is coming home. You’re nervous, terrified and excited…who is she now?

Faith Logan has lived for the past thirteen years in the shadow of her older sister, Laurel, since she was kidnapped. Faith, only a toddler at the time, was the only witness in her sister’s disappearance. One morning her mother gets a phone call, Laurel has been found alive and well, and she’s coming home. While Faith and Laurel try to deal with the past and cautiously step into the future, it isn’t the end.

I picked up this novel from the YA section of Waterstones a few weeks ago, drawn by the bright yellow of the cover. As soon as I read the blurb I was hooked. I’ve had this fascination with people who come out of being kidnapped, Jaycee Lee Dugard briefly messaged me over Twitter, before she took her profile down. I’ve followed the cases of hope, when people are released. They go through horrible things most of the time, but can still come out and carry on.

I found Faith to be a really interesting and realistic character. While she is obviously happy that her sister has been found alive and well, she’s also nervous. Will her sister remember her? Who is she now? What does she look like? There’s also the matter of her family, ravaged by the press, her parents are now separated and her father lives with his partner after coming out as gay.

The novel is incredible, I’m sure I’ve read one of Clarke’s novels before although I don’t know the title. While so many of us expect it to instantly be happy and ecstatic, few will think about the adjustment not just for the kidnapped victim but also those around her. I think it’s important to point out that the sheer scale of the search for Laurel, seems to be similar to the Madeleine McCann search. Laurel is the posterchild for missing children, but the one that is found.

There are constant twists and turns within the book and the ending is clever, shocking and something that’s not forgettable. It keeps you interested throughout and I couldn’t stop reading for the life of me.

I want to give this novel four stars ****, it is a great book but there were some points where I could question the plot. There were also some characters I didn’t see the point in, such as Faith’s friend Martha who just seemed to be there and not always the great friend. It’s definitely a great novel and it really goes to new depths, especially for young adult although at times it is chilling.

Living without DSA – An Anxious Summer

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I walked into the room, anxious, angry and scared. I’d see counsellors for the past few years, one or two had tried and the third had made while claims about why I was so low without knowing me. This was my first session of Mental Health Mentoring, a month after finally getting my diagnoses after 5 years of trying. I was terrified and I think I almost bolted. Then I met someone who I owe so much to, a rock like no other in my university life, my mentor Steffie. Steffie has helped me through every single week at uni, every panic, freak out, bad low, she’s very special to me.

Now it’s summer time and my DSA funding doesn’t cover help over the summer, because it’s only for term time. It puts me on edge, especially for the first few weeks because I’m used to the help and support. Steffie has taught me so much in terms of looking after myself, we work through problems and make plans to make me better. Last summer I coped…just about. It was tough but I was at home, I could start to put some of the techniques into practice and had my family to support me.

This summer, I’m not as lucky. While I love my flat and Kingston in summer, I can’t put into practice my coping mechanisms. I mentioned before how frustrated I am that I can’t have a fitness goal like I wanted this summer. I miss swimming most of all, riding a fair bit and I’m pining for my long walks when my head isn’t in the right place. I’m desparate to sign up for the gym (I know, I know weird) and be able to plan out my day and keep it busy, another important strategy.

What politicians don’t seem to realise that mental health problems don’t just go away. They don’t write you a note and say they’re popping off to travel around Europe for a bit. Recovery takes time, it’s long and hard and sometimes you get to the point of wanting to just give up. Mentoring changed my life. Never before had I been given the tools to deal with my lows, to understand them and accept that sometimes I do need a day to rest because I’m exhausted from my mind going ten to the dozen. I’ve have depression and anxiety for nearly 6 years constantly, although I showed signs from the age of 11, when I was bullied by a boy at school.

The thing is I want to be better. I won’t say that I want to be ‘normal’ because I’ve learnt a lot living with depression. I can understand things differently. I’ve hurt to the point where I don’t understand but I’ve come out on the other side. I’ve been proud of myself for getting up and going out, sometimes I’m just proud of myself when I pick up the phone. Those times are great but they aren’t all the time. I try and look after myself but the spine fractures have really limited me at a time where I could really use someone to talk to every week and find new ways, it’s been taken away.

So I’m having an up and down time, it’s definitely harder without my sessions although Ali and my family and friends have been incredible, it’s hard to explain. I know I can’t go to a doctor tomorrow and say I need some sessions and it will just happen, there would be a month or two of waiting lists before I could see anyone and by then I’d be going back to uni anyway. The thought of even more waiting lists and cuts makes me feel on the verge of physically sick, the people in power don’t understand what it’s like for us and I don’t think they want to listen either. I really wish they would.

I don’t want my followers to worry about me. I’m okay just struggling a little, which is normal with this. I have ups and downs, I always do. I’m luckier than some who don’t have any support and I’ll always remember that. So here’s to the rest of the summer, fingers crossed I can try and work out some new ways to deal with it.

As always I’d love to hear from you all, what do you think about DSA? Do you get it? Let me know!

Chloe

Image from: https://uk.pinterest.com/pin/479492691551611655/

Versatile Blogger Award

I’m starting this blog by saying a HUGE thank you to Alexandra from Alexandra’s Paradise for nominating me for this blogger award, it feel amazing to know that people are reading and enjoying my blog! So here I go, I’m going to follow the challenge, I hope you all enjoy!

The Rules:  

  1. Thank the person who nominated you
  2. Include a link to their blog
  3. Tell the person who nominated you 7 facts about you
  4. Select 15 blogs / bloggers that you have recently discovered or follow regularly

Facts:

1.  Aqua Blue is my go to colour.

2. I’ve been known to read a book a day…that’s where all my money goes. Like Alexandra, I’m trying to read 100 books this year.

3.  I started taking an interest in make up at the age of 19…yup.

4. I believe in letting pets choose you, that’s how we got our family dog, Lottie and              how I chose my two hamsters Hamski and Noodle. Originally I picked another                hamster (thinking there were only two in there but once I saw all of them I put                my hand in and Hamski came up to me first, followed by a slightly more                          cautious Noodle. A similar thing happened with the litter of puppies Lottie was                in, she jumped up and started licking me…the rest is history.

5.  Aquarium walkways creep me out to no end, I do NOT want sharks going above my head, thanks very much.

6.  Cups of tea are one of life’s small, and most vital, pleasures.

7. I’m a musician and will be going in to record in the next few weeks, exciting!

Here are my nominees:

  1. Kirsty 
  2. Shelly Coco 
  3. Victoria Giggles
  4. Cherry Wallis (find her AMAZING Vlog here) 
  5. Jenny in Neverland
  6. Indisposed and Undiagnosed 
  7. Jenny in Neverland 
  8. Lazarus and Lithium 
  9. Kirsty – Natterly Blog 
  10. Hannah Gale 
  11. Music and Eyeliner
  12. Imogen’s Typewriter
  13. Emma Blackerry 
  14. Lukeisnotsexy
  15. Thoroughlymodernmaisie

So there we go a mix of bloggers and vloggers! A lot of people on there I really admire. Remember to tag me in your replies! – Chloe 

Harry Potter Haul – Primark have done it again

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Primark, I have a bone to pick with you. Why, why must you have everything to do with Harry Potter and make it affordable. 

Now you all know I’d rather spend £100 on books than clothes, well most of the time anyway. You can wear a jacket for 100 days, but a book can be loved for more than 100 years…that got a little deeper than I intended. Anyway, back to the point. I’m no fashionista. I could never do a ‘today’s outfit’ Instagram post, because there would be a lot of pictures of the same 4 pairs of jeans, just with a different t-shirt or vest top. Don’t get me wrong in my head I can strut down the street pretending that I’m Kim Kardashian, but I’m obviously not.

This weekend I planned to buy maybe one or two things in Primark. Hah. Nice try, there is a reason I completely avoid going into the shop because I know that I’ll see something, it’ll be cheap and I’ll end up taking it home with my poor card weeping in the corner. My constant obsession is nearly anything with Harry Potter on, especially the PJs. I think I have about five pairs now… I ended up buying the following:

– Marauders Map print lounge bottoms £7.00

– Grey Hogwarts Logo top £7.00

– Long sleeved Hogwarts Logo PJ Top £7.00 

– Grey ‘H. Potter’ lounge bottoms £7.00

– Gryffindor Quidditch team knickers  £2.50

– Hogwarts phone case £3 

Oh and last week my Mum bought me the AMAZING Harry Potter raincoat in the Primark sale….I have no regrets.

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I’d love to hear about any other potterheads out there. I’m a huge fan I have boxes and boxes of collectables, clothes, cups, 3 sets of the books (hardback, paperback and new covers, duh), stuff from the studio tour, stuff from the theme park in America and even my car is called Harry…it might have become a little bit of an obsession. So let me know about you guys!

My baby sister

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14 years ago I woke up to the news I had a baby sister. I danced around my Nanna’s kitchen, so excited. She’s puked on my face, I’ve change her nappies and helped her walk. I learnt how to do her harness and then cheered her on when she started to walk. I walked her first day of primary school and home from her last. She was too cool for me to take her on her first day of secondary school. Now she’s getting all grown up with better fashion sense and make up tips than me. I’m so lucky to have such a beautiful sister and best friend in my life, happy birthday Summer-Rose. ❤

Book Review: Go Set a Watchman – Harper Lee

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Five minutes ago I put down my copy of Go Set a Watchman in a state of, well, loss but also amazement. To Kill a Mockingbird is without a doubt one of my favourite books ever. I fell in love with it as a sixteen year old and it sparked a love that not many other books have. I’ve been worried about reading it because of all the controversy in the news but I had to read it anyway, it’s a sequel to a novel I’ve treasured for years.

While there have been numerous bad reviews of the novel, this will not be one. Is this novel as polished as To Kill a Mockingbird? No, I don’t think so. I also think that the negativity is because of what people wanted to read. They wanted the world to be free from racism and for Scout to still be the lovable kid we first read about. The difference is that Scout, now called by her real name Jean Louise, has grown up. She’s twenty-six years old and a lot has changed for her. She no longer had older brother Jem and her best friend Dill to rely on (something which initially upset me but made sense at the end of the novel) and has to make her own sense of the world.

Before long and reader familiar with Lee’s work falls into Maycomb again. While 20 years have passed, it seems to Jean Louise Maycomb has stayed frozen in time. She’s still told off by Aunt Alexandra for not being as feminine as she should be, which made me laugh. While the sleepy town is the same, the reader is introduced to Henry, a Maycomb County boy, Atticus’s law partner and Jean Louise’s on, off love interest. The relationship between the two characters is vital to the plot and to Jean Louise becoming who she is at the end of the novel.

There has been a lot of controversy about Atticus, people have screamed about him being racist and letting go of everything he stood for in To Kill a Mockingbird. I don’t want to spoil the novel, but I do want to say wait. Read the book before you get mad and start ranting. If you start reading and want to throw it at all wall, carry on because I promise you there is a reason for this, a reason that is vital for Scout to grow into JEan Louise.

I could not put this book down for the life of me. I needed to read it, even when I was frustrated or didn’t understand (there is a lot of historical knowledge that I wasn’t too sharp on) I needed to get to the end. I found that I really connected with Jean Louise, she will always be Scout to me though. I just felt what she was feeling, when you go back to your hometown and you just feel like you stick out. When you need to realise that ultimately, everyone is human, even if it hurts.

Aside from the heavy parts of this novel, some of which had me on the edge of sobbing my heart out, there is laughter. The novel gives us glimpses of our favourite trio growing up. It felt almost like a comfort blanket reading about Scout, Jem and Dill and the things they got up to after that eventful summer, as well as who they grew up to be.

I thought long and hard while reading about how I was going to rate this and what I thought of it. While reading the majority of it I had a solid 3 star review in my head, and then I got to part seven, which changed everything. It explained what I needed explaining and made me think about my own life. I have to give it to Harper Lee if she can take credit for anything it’s making people think.

I want to give the novel four stars ****. Before people question it, let me just say there was something in this novel that caught me. Jean Louise is only six years older than me and I felt a connection with what she see’s and how she tries to make sense of the world around her. Lee has taken To Kill a Mockingbird and shown us again that life isn’t clearly divided into good and bad, black and white. I think for anyone who loved To Kill a Mockingbird, Go Set a Watchman is a must read, especially for those of us at a confusing time in our lives.

Review by Chloe Metzger

Why do I blog? Two years on and what started it all.

For the last few days I’ve been spending my time with some great students. These guys are around 16/17, just finished their first year of college or sixth form and are thinking about going to university and we got to show them around, take them to taster lectures and answer any questions that they had. So I loved working with these guys and they asked some great questions, one of which really got me thinking. Why do I blog?

Ah! Why do I blog? I really had to think so I just kind of went through the last few years and realised that it might be an idea to share it with you guys. SO first blog, my first blog was about books surprise, surprise.Basically my Mum was always nagging me to get rid of some books every time I bought new ones, so as a reason to keep them I set out to review as many as possible and fell in love with it. I done that weekly for about two years until I realised that I wanted to write about my experiences of uni.

I wanted to create a second blog for a while and played around with ideas and themes while I was 18 until I realised what wanted to read. I wanted to read about people like me. People who had no idea about uni, started completely clueless and to tell the truth about what it was really like. Around the same time I finally got a mental health diagnoses and I was passionate about including that too. So this blog was born on the 1st September 2013 (although it’s changed names several times before I realised my own name was pretty awesome).

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The beautiful picture of a very fresh faced looking me the week I got into university, aww. 

I knew what I wasn’t your typical student, at the time I didn’t really go out drinking, I was in a long term relationship and I had terrible Anxiety and Depression related issues. BUT! I knew I wanted to write almost every day about my experiences and my life so that others could find it and have a reference point and someone to ask questions too.

My reasons have evolved over the years such as: 

– I love to write every day, it keeps me constantly thinking and in practice

– Mental health is important and needs as much help as possible to beat the stigma 

– You don’t get a manual on how to be a student…so you might as well have some true experiences 

– I love talking to people! I have some great friends online now, like Caitlin, Alwyn Ash and so many more! 

– I had no idea what uni was about and was fed up of generic guides which were all positive! 

– I absolutely love it 

So why do I blog? For so many different reasons but mostly because I genuinely enjoy it. I’ve had people be SO impressed with the fact that I write nearly every day, but I just see that as normal. It’s not a diary (there would be a lot of swearing if it was) but it’s just me being able to reflect and share that with you all.

So I’m nearly two year in now and I love it. I plan to carry on this blog for as long as I possibly can really. I also want it to get better! I have already started my weekly book reviews, a few opinion pieces and I will be starting more top 10 and uni advice blogs! I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this and if you’re even slightly considering creating your own blog, go and do it! Why not! Drop me a comment with your blogs below and I will try to follow as many as possible.

Thanks for reading guys and check back in tomorrow for a new book review! Also can I please say thank you SO much to everyone who has followed me, I now have 600 followers! I want to get to 1000 by Christmas and who knows I might do some kind of prize…ohhhhhhh!

Education is a gift like no other

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I don’t always know what to write about. This evening was like that, a blank screen in front of me and searching for some kind of inspiration. People have asked me today how I can blog every day, how I stay motivated. I don’t really know, I suppose it’s just something I’m really proud of and it’s fun for me. I’d love to make a career out of this, but it’s not the sole reason I write it.

I spent today at work with a bunch of great students. They’re only two to three years younger than me but we’re kind of mentoring them as they apply for university and help answer any of their questions. I sat in on two taster sessions today, one for Media and another for Criminology, two subjects I’d never encountered before. I watched the lecturers and heard their passion for the subject and it inspired me. I’ve been getting more and more passionate about becoming a lecturer lately. People give me a list of reason not to do it; it’s too expensive, you haven’t lived yet, can you earn enough from it, what do you have to teach. There’s this fierce passion in me and from simply watching the impact the lecturers had on young people it reminded me why I want to study until I’m 25.

There is nothing in my decision about being scared about going into the ‘real world’. I want the challenge, the stimulation, the creativity that being an academic in Literature brings. I can still do other things, I can write books, still do social media. It’s not something I see as preventing me from doing anything, instead I see it as opening more doors than ever. It’s true what they say, education is the best gift of all, no one can take it away from you.

I wanted to write this to remind myself when I’m having a tough time with my dissertation this year or when I feel like giving up later on. I want to remember this excitement and happiness at the thought of studying and exploring literature. I’m a geek and I’m proud.

Image from http://www.girlsgonesporty.com/articles/fitness/using-we-heart-it-to-maximize-fitness-inspiration/

I miss fitness! My thoughts on ‘being brave’ and keeping going.

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Now I’ve said before that I’m not a health and fitness fanatic. If there was an option between a healthy snack and something covered in chocolate I’d bite your hand off for the chocolate. I made some healthier choices this year, I walked to uni most days (unless it was a Thursday morning, early starts after a late night are not a good idea), I swam occasionally and for the first time in my life I embraced a sport and did it every week. I’m also stubborn and have a rebellious streak. Normally if someone told me that I wasn’t allowed to ride I’d prove them wrong and get on, going twice as fast. I can’t do that right now.

To say that all this stress hasn’t been easy is an understatement. It’s not in the way that people see it. I keep getting told that I’m brave, that I’m so inspiring. To be honest I find it incredible that people are so sympathetic to me fracturing my spine but 6 years of mental health problems didn’t get any cards or bravery speeches, but that’s another blog post. I mean yeah I suppose to other people they really can’t imagine just getting on with life after breaking a vital part of your body, but do I feel brave? No. I just feel like I’m getting on with it. It’s something I spoke to my parents about the other day after people were told about me and just were amazed. It was nice and they were lovely people but I just said to my parents, wouldn’t everyone just get on with their lives? Apparently not, but I was raised to just battle on through.

So after yesterday’s post it’s clear that I’m still up and down, still getting there. Today a low decided to hit. I think it’s post festival blues, combined with stressing about the future and being tired from my back pain. It was relatively normal stuff and I wasn’t miserable or ‘meh’ all day, it was more when I was alone. I realised that the things I’d normally do when I feel bad, I couldn’t do and it just made me want to curl up under my duvet and cry. I didn’t. I finished the book I started reading last night and spoke to a few friends.

I never realised that exercise was something I’d miss, but then again I suppose you don’t until it’s something that you can’t do. I want to do some sit ups to get rid of a little excess weight, I want to sign up to gym, run around with the kids at work, swim without worrying I won’t be able to get out of the pool. Hell I’d like to be able to have a bath without worrying that I will get stuck!

The one thing I have though is writing, writing this or songs or fiction. I have to get out of the clouded stage before I can write anything but I can feel it lifting more and more as I type this. I am struggling a little bit with my exercise and little walks to clear my head. I suppose it’s one of the biggest challenges to my mental health it’s all the things I’d usually avoid. If I try and search for a positive in all this I suppose I can see that I’ve been there once and even though I’ve spent a good amount of time on my own, I’m currently missing my friends like a limb and I deal with physical pain every day I’m getting through it one day at a time.

I know this is a long blog but I can almost bet anything that someone out there will read this and understand. That someone will understand the both freeing and unnerving feeling that I have to go through this low without my normal strategies. I’m ok though, really. I have a good few days lined up and for once I can remember that these lows don’t last forever.

Thanks for reading guys, as usual I’d love to hear from you. Oh! And thank you to every single one of you following me on twitter, another 100 followers in the past few weeks! It really put a smile on my face!