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Don’t blame the Goths and the Emos

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Every now and again, when I’m having a low day I start to think about where it all started, the first time I remember feeling depressed. While I was browsing online tonight I found an article on the BBC claiming research states that people who are considered Goths are more likely to become depressed and self harm. To say it made me angry was an understatement, but actually it upset me more than anything. I didn’t identify as a Goth as a teenager but I was well known as one of the ’emo’ kids at school and took a lot of shit for it. While other girls go into fashion I would resist shopping as much as possible unless it was for black clothes and anything with a guitar or skull on it, my parents did think I was a goth.

Throughout my teenage years I was constantly pissed off by the media saying that the music I listened to made people kill themselves, made people violent, made us all antisocial weirdos. I also remember the death of Sophie Lancaster and the stir it caused that she was murdered merely for the way she chose to dress, when the rockers, the goths and the emos all stood together in grief. You see if you’re involved in it you know that we’re not ‘freaks’ or ‘weirdos’ we’re people just like everyone else.

Now looking through my instagram feed nowadays most people can’t believe that I used to wear black constantly, love eyeliner and hate anything remotely feminine. I’m different to how I used to be but that teenagers still there, I love eyeliner, I swapped wrist bands for tattoos and there is nothing better than having My Chemical Romance on full blast, but there is one crucial difference, music is no longer my only saviour.

Like I said at the beginning I will think about my depression and my teenage years, there’s no doubt I was sick. The thing is I didn’t get sick because of the music I listened to, in fact it was the opposite, it kept me going. I found in these lyrics someone who understood, someone who got the stuff going on in my head and the desperate loneliness I had. The music made me feel like I wasn’t a freak like people said I was and it introduced me to some of the greatest people in my life as well as influencing my own music.

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Me aged 13, just getting into the scene

I put the song Famous Last Words in this post because more than any song I associate this with trying to carry on. On more nights than I could count I would lay in bed wishing I could sleep and crying, for no reason and every reason. I was miserable with my life at school at couldn’t see the point of anything but My Chem saved me, say what you want about cliche I don’t care. I would like there and repeat the lyrics while I was crying:

‘I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone.. Honey if you stay I’ll be forgiven, nothing you can say can stop me going home’

I sang those lyrics over and over again to give me strength, to tell myself not to give up on living. As you can see I’m here, so it must have worked. This music and these lyrics gave me something that I couldn’t even give myself at that point in time, hope and reason to carry on. I’m not writing this for pity or for people to tell me ‘how brave I am’, I’m writing this because like thousands of other kids rock music changed my life for the better and I’m pretty sure it saved my life.

I didn’t get depressed because of the music I listened to, in fact I’m pretty sure if we’re going that far back you’ll have to take into account all the pop music I listened to at 11 years old when it initially reared it’s ugly head after I was beaten up almost every day. I don’t think many people would blame kid friendly pop, right?

I know a lot of people who love the music I do and they don’t have a mental illness. I do and I do because of what I’ve been through in my life, not my musical choices.

Book Review: The Fever – Megan Abbott

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“You spend a long time waiting for life to start – her past year or two filled with all these firsts, everything new and terrifying and significant – and then it does start and you realise it isn’t what you’d expected, or asked for.” 

On a normal day in class Deenie’s best friend Lise has a seizure in the middle of class, at first while everyone is shocked, it is assumed that there is merely something wrong with Lise. When another girl has a seizure not much later shock becomes suspicion and fear. What is happening and why? As more and more girls become victims to a mystery illness a towns panic becomes world wide news. Is any girl safe?

I picked up this book because it sounded interesting a story of a mystery illness and girls being ‘betrayed by their bodies’ and wanted to see how it could be done. That and I’m a sucker for a good thriller, which Fever undoubtedly is. The story by focuses on Deenie, her brother Eli and father Tom. Each has an interesting view about the situation. While Deenie is both terrified and filled with guilt over her friends, Tom is trying to keep a level head as a teacher, while also worrying if his daughter is going to be next. I don’t really know why we see the whole thing through Eli’s perspective, possibly as a more outside perspective? I’m not sure what his viewpoint really does for the novel but it was a nice change from the typical teenage girl.

The novel is dark, creepy and eerie. I found that I didn’t want to but needed to keep reading. I loved the way that Abbott took something that could very well be true as the cause of the illness and manipulate it through media. This made the story feel a lot closer to home, especially for young women of my own age who could think about the what-ifs. The way that the hysteria spreads through media adds a lot to the plot and makes the reader even more curious and desperate to get to the end. The mention of Youtube videos and such were also telling, I don’t know of too many novels who have embraced modern technology in this type of story but Abbott has done so with ease.

While there were quite a few great things about the novel there were also some parts that irritated me. I wasn’t especially keen on the character of Deenie, I didn’t feel like she was someone I could relate too, nor did she really have much of a spark. She just kind of went with whatever was happening and was a little mopey, even in the flashbacks prior to the outbreak. It was because of this that there were points where the novel slowed down considerably, although this didn’t happen often, when it did it really dragged and I got a little frustrated wanting to skip pages.

I was also quite let down by the end of the novel, it felt like it was building up to such great suspense and then was a let down. I can’t go into too much detail without a potential spoiler but the fact that the ending only really delt with one side of the novel upset me. It kind of felt like there was no explanation. For a while I couldn’t decide if this was a great way to end it or not, to question our own beliefs but I really struggled with the sense of loss I felt not really knowing certain things at the end of the novel.

Overall I’m going to give this book 3 stars. While I did enjoy it I think that the ending would stop me from strongly recommending this to my friends. Abbott can clearly write and has a talent for suspense but at times this wavers and we are left with a slightly boring protagonist. A lot of people love this novel but, sadly, it just wasn’t for me.

Review by Chloe Metzger

A light at the end of the tunnel

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Today in the never ending spine saga. Hey everyone, so I’ve been a little all over the place with blogs this week, partially writers block, partially being busy. I wish I had something interesting to go on but today it’s another spine update for you all. It’s been 18 weeks since I had my fall and I finally got to see a pain specialist, there’s good news mostly and some not so good news.

So it looks like I’m not going to be having any surgery or injections and I’m doing very well in my recovery, despite being in a lot of pain. The good news is that I have a 95% chance of recovery without complications. I still have from 6 months to a year until I’ll be getting back to my normal self. The not so good news, I will have this weakness in my spine for the rest of my life and the slight loss of feeling in my left leg might also stay for the rest of my life.

The doctor was finally open with me and talked about the future, he reminded me that while I’m eager to get back into the world this wasn’t just a small arm fracture this was a large and complicated fracture with damage to the soft tissue, muscles and nerves. The fact that I can walk and go out even a little bit is apparently brilliant. It kind of reminded me that while I’ve been so down and frustrated that I’ve lost the summer it’s not something small and I can’t just get rid of it.

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My kind of breakfast for the minute. 

I’m still on a lot of medication, I’m got a kick ass physio routine to stick to for months ahead and I need to start keeping fit and healthy…which is possibly the most terrifying part of it, I’m kidding. It might not all sound positive but I’m finally seeing some kind of light at the end of the tunnel.

Image from here.

My Little Monkeys – Family Trip to Longleat

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I spent today in the beautiful floods of an August’s day at Longleat Safari Park! It’s not often that I spend time with my little cousins all at the same time actually doing something together so we all got loaded up into two cars at 8am (I know, out of the house at that hour, it felt very alien) and headed down.

Of course seeing as we’d pre paid and planned the day it hammered down constantly, that said though it was a really great day. We say so many animals Giraffes that the kids could feed, Zebras, Deer (which got very friendly with us to the point of wanting to get in the car), Lions, Tigers and Wolves. The initial idea was to take my super awesome big camera and take a load of shots, but because of the rain the only ones I have aren’t that good and I haven’t managed to pinch my sisters for this blog!

I had to use a wheelchair again because it was just too much but it didn’t put a downer on the day. All the kids were fighting over who would push me, I had little Lola sitting on my lap for cuddles for the entire day. The torrential downpour did soak me through and make me so, so cold though, damn the British weather. I did do something a little differently though, after taking Lola through the Butterfly enclosure (her little face was the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen) we came to a part where you could hold/ pet animals. Namely a Snake and a Tarantula. Yep. I don’t like snakes, I’ve held one before but I just don’t like the way they move, for some reason I wanted to hold the spider though, she was called Georgie the Chilian Rose Tarantula. Believe it or not she was actually pretty cute and super soft. Not something I ever thought I’d say.

Going at the age of 20 might be a little different from the last time I went, which was well over 10 years ago. I really enjoyed myself despite the rain and all. It might not seem super exciting but I don’t spend a lot of time with the little ones now that I’ve moved and they’re turning into such awesome little people 🙂

I have a crush on Amy Schumer

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A few weeks ago I went to see the incredible Trainwreck and it was my first time watching Amy Schumer doing her thing. I’ve spent the evening watching her stand up and I think I definitely have a crush on Amy, she’s funny, she’s real and she’s frank about sex and being a woman. Is she offensive? Yes. But she likes to make people feel uncomfortable with comedy, it gets them talking and thinking and if they’re outraged then that’s fine, because I dare you to find a comedian who’s never offended anybody ever. That’s right, you can’t.

Now I can’t claim that I relate to Amy on the whole single girl, slutty, partying thing but on most other things I can laugh along and understand. It also pisses me off when people say she’s ‘funny for a woman’ I mean really? I didn’t know that having a penis was a requirement to be funny. I love funny women Amy, Sarah Millican, Miranda Hart (although I don’t like her routine she’s made me laugh occasionally), Emma Blackerry. I also love that they swear (uh oh, you’re all thinking here goes Chloe’s rant).

Now, here’s the thing. Imagine me, on stage, playing a show which has mostly guys performing and there’s me all short and cute and shit. I go on stage after guys and I can hold my own, I can say fuck too! But because I’m a girl I still get told to ‘be more ladylike on stage’, in fact a few people I used to hang around with came to a show recently and got all high and mighty because I occasionally swear on stage. It’s not like every other word is swearing but they were all ‘ woaaaaah act like a girl’, to which I replied fuck off.

It’s one of the best things about Amy, she does swear and talk about sex in her routines. She’s not all prim, proper and ladylike. The thing with women like her is people think they’re incapable of being polite and not swearing, people assume the same about me, but guess what? This whole persona is one part of a person and generally when it’s appropriate. I don’t go and drop an f-bomb when I’m with my grandparents or when I’m giving a mental health speech? I don’t make sex jokes or call people dicks at work. There’s a difference between funny and stupid…most of the time anyway.

50 questions for a busy mind.

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So I’ve been pretty good at keeping up with my blog, having fresh ideas and being hyper/ awake enough to write down what’s really going on in my head. Tonight I just wanted to let my mind run free and not have to settle on one topic. It’s not the first time that I’ve posted one of these but I hope that it lets you guys get to know me a little bit more! I hope you enjoy.

1. When was the last time you tried something new?

Hmmm. I think horse riding was…that turned out different to how I’d imagine ;).

2. What makes you want to do better?

Seeing how I can make a positive influence on the world.

3. What do you love to do? Do you do it often? If the answer is no, why not?

I love to read. I always have and I always will, I read all the time.

4. What can you do today that you could not do a year ago?

Cope with physical pain

5. Where do you see yourself in one year? five years? ten years?

6. Do you like your job?

Yes I love my job, social media is awesome.

7. What would you do different if you were reborn?

I’d waste less time worrying and wondering what other people think.

8. Have you done anything lately worth remembering?

I went to Athens, which was awesome.

9. What are you excited about?

September! My birthday, being an international ambassador, freshers, going back to uni and starting an amazing final year!

10. What’s your biggest problem?

Right now, my spine I think.

11. When was the last time you traveled somewhere new?

June 🙂 Athens was amazing and I’m so not over talking about it.

12. What would you regret not doing?

Starting horse riding. I don’t regret the 6 months I spent having the time of my life.

13. What makes you smile?

Small things, a good book, a cup of tea, a cuddle.

14. If the average lifespan was 50 years, would you do anything differently?

I don’t think so, because I’d still have 30 years left to fill it in, although I think I’d of had small people by now…scary thought.

15. What do you want most out of life?

To be happy and love the people around me.

16. What impact do you want to leave in the world?

For people to know that mental health doesn’t mean misery.

17. What do you want to be remembered by?

I don’t know yet, I’ve still got a life to live. I suppose right now for being happy and doing what I can with what I’ve got.

18. If all came back around to you, would it help you or hurt you?

I have no idea.

19. If you had the chance to go back in time and change one thing, what would you change?

I don’t think I’d change anything because even the hardest times when I didn’t think I’d make it through then I wouldn’t be who I am today.

20. What stands between you and happiness?

Myself.

21. If a doctor gave you one year to live, what would you try to accomplish?

I’d write my book for sure.

22. What do you like most about yourself?

My creativity and intelligence.

23. What do you have that you cannot live without?

Love.

24. When you close your eyes what do you dream of?

Success.

25. If you could as one person, dead or alive, one question, who would you ask and what would you ask?

Why?

26. If your life was a movie, what would be the title?

On the bookcase.

27. What does success mean to you?

Being comfortable and confident with who you are.

28. If you could ask for one wish, what would it be?

I’ll get back to you on that one.

29. What do you owe yourself?

A break.

30. When you think of “home” what do you think of?

Wherever my boyfriend is 🙂

31. How could you describe yourself in 5 words?

Smart, Funny, Kind, Stressed, Creative

32. How do you spend most of your free time?

Reading or writing or playing music.

33. What did you want to be when you where younger?

A glamour model or an actress

34. What are you doing to pursue your dreams right now?

Writing every day, performing at every opportunity, keeping going no matter what.

35. What are you most scared of?

Losing the ability to walk.

36. What are you looking forward to?

My birthday (y)

37. What has been the greatest adventure of your life?

It’s still happening

38. What are you most proud of?

Hmmm right now my blog and recording the EP

39. Where would you like to live? Why haven’t you moved?

I’m pretty happy where I am right now.

40. If you left your current life in order to pursue your dreams, what would you lose?

Probably a nice flat and money to live if it doesn’t work.

41. What is your greatest strength? What is your greatest weakness?

Greatest strength – persistence

Greatest weakness – self doubt

42. What did life teach you yesterday?

That sunshine doesn’t solve everything.

43. Whose life have you had the greatest impact on?

I don’t quite know yet.

44. What makes you special?

I keep going.

45. What do you want most?

Happiness

46. How many people do you love? What are you doing for them?

Too many to count and I’m doing whatever I can

47. If you had 24 hours to live, who would you be with 23 hours from now?

Ali and my family.

48. What bad habits do you want to break?

Biting my nails!

49. When did you not speak up when you should have?

In some friendships in the last few years which ended badly.

50. How would you describe the next 5 years of your life in a sentence?

It’s going to be a rollercoaster, but that’s ok.

If you want to answer these questions find a link here!

What have I done this summer?

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I’ve been thinking a lot about the expectations of summer today and for the past few weeks. As we creep closer to September and the evenings start getting darker that little bit earlier summer is scampering away before our very eyes. While I was lying on the bed at my appointment yesterday, as my physio was telling me to slow down and not push the muscles too hard something in me snapped. NO! I wanted to scream in my head, No I’m done, I want a summer do over, I want to go and explore the world and write books and go all over London. Just give me a do over. But I was sat slowly trying to pull my knees towards my chest and having my reflexes checked every week to make sure that I wasn’t getting worse. I was waiting on doctors appointments and adjusting medication levels every few weeks. What the hell was I going to say once I got back to uni?

Almost on queue my anxiety  kicked in today, with a days of depressive thoughts too. What if everyone just ignored me when I couldn’t keep up or go on nights out properly? What if I just sat in the corner while everyone talked about how awesome their summer plans were and how they were glad they spent their last summer before graduating having fun and being young? All I could say was that I fractured my spine, got to go in an ambulance and slept a lot.

So I got sad, got angry, and tried to convince myself getting out of bed and getting dressed was going to be a good move. I threw on some clothes after a while and scraped back my hair, intending to take some pictures of Kingston in the sun. The short story is that it didn’t happen, the long version includes a lot of muscle spasms and swearing. So I moped even more and did housework. Now I bet you’re thinking why do I want to read her moaning about life being sucky, WAIT, this bits almost over, I promise.

I thought the words, what have I done this summer? After waves of negativity I had a lightbulb moment, I managed to get my spine to heal back together. I realised how awesome and amazing my body had been this summer. I might not have done anything that other people I know will have done like a trip to Australia or going to Reading Fest, but my body has managed to piece itself back together and escape never being able to use my legs again.

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I realised that it was pretty awesome that I’ve gone from needing help to get out of bed, to walk even the tiniest bit and helped out of the bath every time (now it’s not as often) to having the independence to go to work and my physio appointments without everyone being anxious about it. I’ve learnt to deal with doctors and have a love for nurses. I’ve learnt that I can handle levels of pain I wouldn’t imagine and that if my determination ever needed testing this would do it. I didn’t back down on going to Athens or performing at Basingstoke Live, as people keep telling me I’ve been pretty bad ass.

I still have a long way to go, more appointments, more physio and having to adjust my plans but your body healing itself is a pretty awesome thing and it even makes me forgive the stretch marks that have caused me so much upset lately. Even with all that and the chance I’ll never be able to ride again/ it will be too much of a risk, the experience has made me grow, as cheesy as it sounds. I’ve picked myself up from lows I never thought I’d have and I’ve seen the beauty in the people around me.

So that’s what I’ve done this summer, how about you?

Other people can make all the difference

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Today started off as a day of stress and anxiety and ended with that warm feeling with my belly (and no, that’s not the alcohol talking). People can change everything, they can make your day lousy but they can also make your day great, today has been the second option.

I woke up this morning pretty stressed, tired and in a fair bit of pain from my spine. I was dreading going to work, felt anxious about meeting and was dreading physio. It turns out only one of those was right. Work made my day, knowing I was part of a team that I really felt could make a difference. I realised that my role is important and I’m actually a respected member of staff, something I’ve never felt before. I spent today in meetings and talking to the rest of the team, I can finally be something of an expert in my field and I can finally start trying to make a difference with disabled students. If that doesn’t brighten someone’s day I don’t know what will.

Physio wasn’t that magical, it was painful, very painful. The problem with my kind of injury is that it take a long time to heal, a long time to come off medication and a lot of pain with no gain. After being told I’ve stopped ‘looking like a granny when I walk’ I suppose I should be grateful but I’ll be honest I was just pretty sore during and after and glad to treat myself to some books in the charity shop after.

This evening others did it again after being a grumpy little so and so after physio, Ali, Phil, Lizzie, Dan and Alex managed to put a smile on my face at the pub. I got slightly drunk and now I’m writing to you all (I’m sorry if there are missing words or just intoxicated sentences) in my little mermaid PJs after my back made me give in. Sometimes it’s days like today that make me realise I need others just as much to beat the feelings of anxiety.

❤

Book Review: It’s Kind Of A Funny Story – Ned Vizzini

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“Sometimes I just think depression’s one way of coping with the world. Like, some people get drunk, some people do drugs, some people get depressed. Because there’s so much stuff out there that you have to do something to deal with it.”

Craig has a good life, he goes to a top school in New York, has a loving family and a good group of friends. Craig is also depressed. After deciding he doesn’t want or need to take his medication any more, a few nights later he decides that he’s going to kill himself. But something stops him that night and he finds himself checking into a psychiatric ward and into a completely new world. To get better a lot has to change and Craig has to get to know himself.

There are books in life that somehow just explain your life. They make you feel like you’re not alone and you’re not as crazy as you thought you were. For me, It’s Kind of a funny story was like that. I’ve only ever read one other book that understood how I felt was The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. You see, Vizzini’s main character Craig is a perfectionist, he wants success and if one thing goes wrong he spirals he starts to ‘cycle’ which, if you’ve never experienced it is a bad thing. Thoughts keep coming and coming until you can’t think straight,sometimes you feel like you can’t breathe. His high ambition and determination takes over his life to the point that the majority of his cycles are about the work he’s going (or lack of it).

A few people have criticised some of the actions of the teenagers on the ward and I’ll admit that, at first, I was sceptical and thought could things like this really happen? Then I remembered I was reading about teenagers, and I think that’s something you have to keep in mind while reading this novel. Craig isn’t an adult and while some of the things he struggles with might be hard to understand as an adult I can fully remember these feelings and emotions as a teenager myself.

I can fully praise this novel for its portrayal of what it’s like to have a mental illness as a teenager and also for reiterating that you should never just stop taking your medication. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to read something and just feel every bit of what the character is going through; the anxiety, the need to achieve, thinking that you can handle everything when in fact you’re only slightly getting better and last but not least finding a creative way to release all the frustrations. The reason that Vizzini can write this so well is because he himself has lived it. Like Plath’s novel, Vizzini’s is semi autobiographical; he was in a mental health unit as a teenager. On a personal level, I don’t think that experience ever truly leaves you. I’m inspired by him and incredibly saddened to learn that he took his own life a few years ago.

I want to give this novel five stars *****. This really is something else, not only is there a positive portrayal of young people with mental health conditions but also of teenagers in general. Craig does nothing wrong except try, and I think that’s more common than a lot of people realise. People with mental health problems can have a perfectionist side, which without help can take over, I certainly know mine does. I want everyone to read this because it is amazing, educational and I found that it really gave me some hope and someone to connect with. Go and pick a copy up now!

Review by Chloe Metzger

Who’s that girl?

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Who’s that girl I see looking at me from a magazine? She’s perfect, she has flawless skin, bright eyes and not a hair out of place, she’s thin, there are no hips, no cellulite, although despite her skinny frame her breasts are fantastic. She’s not real. Tonight I spent a good amount of time watching the above and this afternoon I was reading my normal monthly set of women’s magazines.

Now I’m not going to use this article to bash women’s magazines because I know some who really do support women, although I can’t claim to understand some of the articles. I do have a problem with advertising, because it promotes an image that none of us can achieve. I’ve said many times on this blog that I’m not always happy with my body, especially as of late. I fractured my spine, I put on some weight and I wish I could say so what but I’m surrounded by images of thin and beautiful women.

I’m not saying we ban an idea of beauty, I mean who hasn’t used a good filter on Instagram? Or been happy with a little touch up here and there? Of course we do. I also want you to think about any time you’ve felt a little bit sad looking at pictures or thought I wish I looked like that, because I know that as an impressionable teenager I had these fleeting thoughts but they wouldn’t damage me right? Wrong. In part these images added to my feelings of self consciousness and comparing myself to other women.

In the video about I heard about young women who took on teen magazines to limit the use of photoshop. This gives me so much joy and hope. At that age you don’t always know that these images aren’t real, that you can’t look like that. I remember posing like Paris Hilton (I was a young teenager, and it was the early 2000s, give me a break) in a holiday snap to try and look thinner…I wasn’t fat to begin with. Children and young people are very impressionable, especially as you hit the teenage years your body is doing things you have no control over, your spotty or greasy or whatever.

Now for most of us who are bullied and teased we grow up and shed that awkwardness, even just a little, but at the same time we didn’t have the glare of social media. I just want to educate young girls that this isn’t real and at the same time. I want the media to stop sexualising everything they can, to not cut a model like a pumpkin, carving what they want out of you.

Just preparing for a project I’m going to do and looking at the words used in women’s magazines and they’re almost as responsible as the pictures. I want to do something positive. I want to shout it for the roof tops as I remind my little sister that she is the most naturally beautiful person I know and my little cousin that just because we’re a different shape to my sister doesn’t mean were not beautiful too. I want to make people not feel ashamed to wear makeup or want to get fitter but to know that there are so many different types of perfect and not just the models in a magazine.