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WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!

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I know, I know. I’m holding my hands up and admitting that I have been an awful this weekend with keeping up with my blog, with Twitter with everything really BUT there is a good reason I promise you. As my regular followers know I’ve been struggling with my spine and depression and just stuff in my life generally so I took some time away to focus on myself. I had a show to play in Basingstoke anyway so it was the perfect time to try and recharge.

The car was loaded up on Friday with all the band stuff, Rhys and Dan and I was honestly just so pleased to go home, see my family, my dog and meet the cat. I also wanted to just be able to relax at home, I love my flat and living alone but sometimes you need to just be around people who want to look after you and make you food and tea.

The show was really great, especially after we ended up headlining and my friend Lucy came down and I haven’t seen her in SO LONG. It doesn’t matter how long me and Luce are apart we just slot back in together and laugh, knowing we’ll always be there. My Mum and Dad came too and I even managed to stand up through two songs! With the way my spine has been in the last month that’s a huge deal for me.

I got to chill out a lot with my Mum, my sister and little cousin which just made my heart happy. We got hot chocolate, walked around town and just spent time together before I went home to a new love in my life…

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This is Ed, my teeny tiny kitty who has become one of my best friends. This little dude is batshit crazy and now either sleeps with me or outside my room so yeah we’re buddies now and he is so pretty, so, so pretty. If you want to see more pictures of Ed follow me on Instagram because I get a little obsessed whenever I go home because he does so many cute things, like falling asleep in my arms. All of the awws. And for good measure here’s a picture of my beautiful pup too.

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Then I had to leave my lovely cuddly pets to drive back with Ali for another show and although I intended to blog last night but was in so much pain and so tired that I just collapsed into bed (so much so that I woke up late this morning and had to launch myself out of the door to get to physio on time).

So there we go I’m given myself a bit of a recharge I’m back, I’ve made a list of what I’m going to do on the blog this month and I’ve only got a week of uni then a few things to do before I go home for a week and a half and can try and relax. The important this is I’m back, I’m going to be writing and it’s all good!

Thanks everyone!!

 

 

My other blog!

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I’ve mentioned quite a few times about writing for my Social Media Coordinator role so I thought I’d let you all have a look at what I do! Visit https://blogs.kingston.ac.uk/careers/ for my latest post on Bonnie Greer and Stephen K Amos who visited the university last month and my other pieces!

Starting December right!

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It’s been a pretty positive start to the week and now the month, just what I needed! There’s been some really shitty parts to this year, especially in the last few months so I’m determined to send 2015 off in a positive year and look forward to 2016…even if I am a little bit terrified of it! I wasn’t feeling particularly great about today, I was anxious about my gym class because of the pain I’ve been having but it turns out I didn’t need to be. That said I was already in a good mood from last night after having a long and lovely Skype conversation with Eleanor, it’s hard with her being all the way in New Zealand but we’re making it work.

Of course today is December 1st (I know, how is it December already?!?) so it’s advent calender time but since I haven’t been back home in a while I had no advent calendar this morning…the first time since I was 1. Luckily Mum text me a picture this morning of a maltesers advent calendar all for me, yay! I also picked up Star Wars ones for me and Ali too because IT’S FINALLY STAR WARS MONTH AND MY TICKETS ARE BOOKED, AHHHHHH.

As always I trekked to the hospital for 9am *sob* for my morning gym recovery class. I’d had a rough week last week so I was lucky I could talk to Mum before going and try and get in a good mindset before going in, got mistaken for a student nurse (I wish!) and got told that ‘surely I still have time to grow’ after I complained I was so tiny… the people in the class thought I was in my teens. Of course the real reason I was nervous was pain but I tackled all the machines, including a new one, and I kicked butt! There is no better feeling for me at the moment than coming home covered in sweat and knowing I’ve worked hard to get better, even if I do pay for it later. Oh and because my physio instructor for the gym is amazing I got given a sticker because I worked so hard…being the youngest has its perks!

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Another really amazing thing is that as I’ve mentioned before I’ve struggled with the fact I’ve put on weight because of the accident and recovery, as well as the implications of my medication. As I wrote before I won’t mention numbers on here but I can confirm my healthier eating habits and gradually building up movement is working I’m finally losing the weight I gained!! I’m really proud of myself for doing something healthy and my strength in will power!

I ended a good day with a great evening at The Fighting Cocks with Ali, Charlotte, Rhys and later Joe. I got to play in the quiz, laugh a lot, get drawn on and just get out of the house with no expectation to get drunk which was really nice. It also helps that whenever me and Charlotte hang out we can’t stop laughing.

I’m stupidly excited about this start to December and I hope more than anything it carries on!

What could you live without?

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What could you live without in life? Now really think about it. Most of us often buy things we don’t need, clothes, shoes, food, those little offers at the till that everyone has fallen for at least once. While many were hunting through the bargains of Black Friday, another hoard of people were taking part in buy nothing day. I was really proud of myself that I didn’t buy anything this weekend simply because it was reduced, I’ve been tricked into spending money that way wayyy too many times.

While reading I came across the story of Michelle McGaugh, who is trying not to spend any money other than bills and a small food budget for an entire year. She won’t be getting any public transport and her family and friends can’t bail her out either. It’s a really eye opening concept and I got talking to her and others on Twitter about it. It made me think about the amount of money that goes out of my bank account and why the hell it is that much.

After finding out that my masters degree is going to be a bit more pricey than I originally planned I’m going to have to spend the next 6 months tightening my belt and saving as much as possible. The last thing I want to do is take out another government loan on top of the one I’ve already got. I think I’d cry if I saw that much going out of a salary every month. In all seriousness though just as I’ve been careful about what I’ve been putting in my body, I’m also going to be careful about what’s coming out of my pocket.

I’m not going to be doing this to the extreme but in the case of this week. I like having lunch as uni/work so I’ll allow myself a budget of £5 on each of those days but for the rest of the week there is nothing other than my bus fare that I’d need to pay for, so I’m hoping to bank that money. I’m sick of being drawn in my impulse buys here and there. I’d be able to have so much more if I just had a dedicated shopping day!

I think there’s a lot to think about here and I’ve really been inspired. So how about you guys? Do you think you could give up impulse spending and only spend money on the things you REALLY need first and foremost? Let me know and give Michelle a follow on Twitter while reading her story here

Blogger Block

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It’s not often that I have trouble sitting down to blog. I have a note pad of ideas and stuff that’s been going on but as I sit down at my keyboard I’m just a little bit, well, stuck. I don’t want the blog to get too samey and I’m trying to work out some more interesting weekly things, the book reviews go out on a Thursday so maybe something on a Monday? I don’t know. I’m just playing around with ideas at the moment and my head’s all over the place so hold tight there will be more awesome content but tonight I need to just do some thinking!

5 Alternative ways to have a great Friday Night if you have to stay in

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As you all know I haven’t been able to go out much for the last 6/7 months so I’ve thought up 5 alternative Friday nights

  1. Have a cosy reading night 86a7840ab3cc07f4ebd84a819ba73115

Take a stack of books on your to-read list, multiple cups of tea and blankets sounds like a great night in to me. The only type of hangover I’ll end up with is a book hangover.

2. Movie Night! movie-marathon-the-notebook-despicable-me-footloose-Favim.com-637989

I’m not talking about any of the chick flicks in the picture. I’m talking a Harry Potter Marathon, a Star Wars Marathon that kind of thing!

3. Take Away chinese-takeaway-gorleston-on-sea-delivery

My new gym routine means I can’t have too many of these but I’m sure that would cheer most people up. Get on Just Eat and get what you’re craving.

4. Catch up with the people you love 2015-07-31 18.13.19

My Mum and I take all the time but my sister’s in school all day so we don’t get to talk as often, I’ve spent many a night catching up with my sister.

5. Catch up on some sleepIMG_5091

Because c’mon what’s better than sleep?

 

Smiling doesn’t mean someone is ok

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She’s fine, she’s always so happy, she achieves everything she wants. Blah, blah, blah. It’s all NOISE to someone with depression. The outside is a very superficial thing, I can’t even begin to count the amount of times in the last 6 years I’ve plastered on a smile or a look to make people think that I’m enjoying myself or that I’m mentally in the room. It really upsets me, especially when sometimes people who are close to me can’t tell the difference either.

In the past week I’ve had a lot to deal with trying to get back into work, my spine flat out freaking out and refusing to let me move, having to cancel a show, a close pet dying, handing in my notice to the society, more pain, having a leak in my ceiling, missing home and everything just got too much. I got to the point where I couldn’t go anywhere that wasn’t extremely important and I only just got there. I dragged myself to my physio session and hardly spoke to anyone because I was so much pain. I couldn’t face uni for the past week. No one really cared, I became invisible in all but one situation.

You learn a lot through this illness. You learn who understands, who pretends they do. You learn what the right ways to look after yourself are eventually and how to go about them. You learn who will just sit with you, saying nothing but just being there because that’s what you need on your lowest day. You learn who will write you off as wanting ‘attention’ or ‘being selfish’ and who is educated enough to know this isn’t something you want or can switch on and off.

I don’t even know if I’m making much sense in this post but I think that might be because my own head doesn’t make sense to me half the time. The same way other people don’t because I just have a different variation of what normal is. I finally feel on my feet again, inching towards my assignments, ready to go back to class tomorrow and work with kids who need their confidence boosted. I’m still struggling and I don’t know how to feel about the rest of the week but I’m getting there with Ali, my incredible family and one or two close friends making sure I don’t fall again.

I’ll get there, after all what they say is true you live, you learn.

Spine Issues

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I thought I was done crying over my spine, I guess not. Today has not been a great day in terms of my spine, what started as just sadness and anger turned into almost being quickly taken into hospital to be hooked up to pain relief. I honestly thought that with the physio, gym sessions and other things I was on the mend, although I was still in pain I thought the excruciating part of it was gone but it’s very much alive in muscle spasms. While I’m on a lot of painkillers, I’m on nothing for my muscle spasms and currently my back and all around my hip is rock hard because of it.

I’ve had to pull out of a show again tonight which I hate, I hate letting anyone down and I hate not being able to perform, possibly the worst part of recovery. I’m miserable with not being able to easily play shows. I thought this part was over, I hoped this was a thing of the past. I was getting ready, about to go load up the car when simply walking around the flat I felt a sharp pain and that was it I was out. The pain was awful, Ali and I tried to wait it out, resting and then trying to walk again but I couldn’t. I was in agony, limping heavily and sobbing. I wasn’t going anywhere tonight. That started about 4 and a half hours ago, I’m still in pain but it feels more manageable now.

On Monday, I finally made the decision to leave the Horse Riding society after talking to my mental health mentor. I really wasn’t coping mentally or physically very well and the society was what was stressing me out most, I had to let the members know today and I am not ashamed to say I cried after posting:

Hello Everyone,

I’m writing this with deep sadness. As most of you will know I was in an accident earlier in the year, breaking my spine. I’ve still got nearly 2 years of recovery time and will probably never ride again. While I’ve loved being a part of the society and your president lately my mental health has deteriorated along with more struggles and nerve damage due to my injury. It is because of this my medical team have said that it would be best for me to step down as soon as possible. Thank you to everyone who rode with me, made me smile and was a friend. I will always love this society and hope that I can still be a friend. I have handed in my notice meaning we are looking for a new president asap and I leave you in the capable hands of Daniela and Amy, while Amanda will be back from leave when she can (please contact them in relation to any questions, queries, rides).

Thank you so much for everything.

Chloe

A lot of people commented saying they were sad to see me go, to say thank you and a lot of people to say that I was brave. I still don’t think I fully understand why I’m brave? Because I was honest about the reasons? Because I stepped down to look after myself? I certainly don’t feel brave. I worry I’m letting everyone down, that if anything happens to the society it will be my fault. I worry I’ll lose friends. Now it’s done though and I really need to focus on my studies and try to remember my time with happiness, not tears.

 

10407210_10153613102758206_918236493107446324_nHappier times at the society

I still have a long way to go with my spine and tonight’s reminded me of that. I’m so lucky to have so many amazing people around me caring for me and helping me carry on going forward when times are hard. I don’t know what the future holds in terms of recovery, I’ve been told around 2 years for successful recovery but I’m not holding on to that as a solid date, after all when it first happened I was told I had a 6 week recovery, laughable now. Almost 7 months down and who knows how many to go but I will keep going, I’ll just need a little help along the way.

How we can use International Mens day to spread awareness

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What do you think the biggest killer of men under 45 is? Road Accidents? Cancer? Addiction? Any of these are possible but the result may shock you, it’s suicide. Thousands of men every day will attempt to take their own lives and unfortunately a lot will succeed.

A lot people would have seen the title and gone what in the name of hell is she talking about? International men’s day? What kind of feminist is she? The answer isthe one who contributes to equality and the rate of male suicide is something that needs to be tackled by both genders together, because that is how we will save people. Men are under a lot of pressure, there is a pressure to get a six pack and love the gym, a pressure to be masculine, worries if you are not straight and how other men will react (especially for teenage boys), pressure to be a breadwinner for your family. Society puts a lot of pressure on men and it’s no wonder that a lot of them feel overwhelmed!

When searching for an image those associated with depression were almost all women. I searched for a long time to find an image of a man. We refuse to acknowledge that men, half of the population, are not immune from mental health. This comes with the stupid notion that mental illness is associated with the weak (ha!). As a society we need to accept that firstly, mental illness is not a weakness, it is an illness and secondly men need just as much support.

I have a lot of male friends who have different conditions and the statistics both scare me and make me angry. I’m scared because I don’t want any of my friends to find it too much and kill themselves. I’m angry because for something that’s the biggest killer of young men there isn’t a lot that’s being done about it.

We can help them though, we can keep talking, keep reaching out. The way to beat this stigma and save the men in our lives is to be open and honest, I cannot stress enough have important talking is in all of this. You never know how much just talking to someone will could save a life.

If anyone reading this is suicidal and don’t feel they can call someone they are close to there are numbers you can call or please seek urgent medical advice. Remember you are worth it, you really are.

  • Samaritans (116 123) operates a 24-hour service available every day of the year. If you prefer to write down how you’re feeling, or if you’re worried about being overheard on the phone, you can email Samaritans at jo@samaritans.org.
  • Childline (0800 1111) runs a helpline for children and young people in the UK. Calls are free and the number won’t show up on your phone bill.
  • PAPYRUS (0800 068 41 41) is a voluntary organisation supporting teenagers and young adults who are feeling suicidal.
  • Depression Alliance is a charity for people with depression. It doesn’t have a helpline, but offers a wide range of useful resources and links to other relevant information.
  • Students Against Depression is a website for students who are depressed, have a low mood or are having suicidal thoughts.
  • Bullying UK is a website for both children and adults affected by bullying.

 

 

 

image from imagesofnation.com

I’m a teeny bit competitive

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I am a competitive person. I have been for a long time and since being at uni it’s definitely increased. Partly my need to achieve and be the best is to shut up my anxiety and depression who like the tell me that I’m shit but it’s got to this competitive stage, even though I’d never be mean about it. The person I’m the absolute worst to is myself, I am super competitive with me!

Today I was in my 2nd gym class and I’ve started taking into account the little exercise I can do as well as keeping track of what I’m eating and trying to control my portion sizes as well as make better choices. With that in mind and the fact that I already had physio yesterday I did something a little silly, I pushed myself too much. I was getting so happy to see the numbers going up and just the thought of being able to fit into some of my favourite clothes just spurred me on a little too much.

I’m pretty sore right now but I’ve learnt my lesson and I won’t over do it again. I’ve been very strict with myself about numbers, I don’t need anything else negative in my life or anything I could control in a bad way so I banned scales. I don’t have any in my flat apart from kitchen ones on purpose because I know that I would just constantly weigh myself, compare myself and get stupidly anxious over it and then cry and be unhappy, no matter how thin I was.

So in a way I’m doing this blind, there’s no number here. I have a rough idea of what I weighed a while ago and after the end of my sessions I will try on my dress and possibly look when I’m at my parents house but there will be NO obsessive checking because I got absorbed with weight as a teenager. That’s the lovely part of being a teenager, puppy fat, bullying, being told to go to weight watchers, all lovely stuff. The best thing about this recovery is there’s no pressure, just support. I chose to take the class, I’m choosing what I eat and what portion size I want and when I want a day off and a take away.

So maybe I need to work on being a little less competitive for all of this to work and stop being so hard on myself. After all this is recovery, not the Olympics and hopefully it will do wonders for my stress levels too!