Category: Mental Health

It’s Ok Not To Be Ok

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Sometimes in our busy lives, it’s easy to forget that not feeling ok is ok. I know a lot of people with mental health conditions and we spend a lot of time wading through day to day tasks, trying not to let it show. It’s easy to say we’re fine and keep it all inside. I needed reminding this week that it’s ok to feel that things aren’t great, even if to the outside world they are. Take it at your own pace, feel what you need to feel.

I’ve been caught up in a lot of ‘shoulds’ recently. That I should feel happy constantly because to everyone else my life looks amazing. I know that I do have a good life, a great relationship, a job and a home that I love. I get caught up in how I should appear to other people, but often don’t listen to my own body and my own mind.

I have an illness, whether I or anyone else likes it, it’s there. Sometimes I feel sad, I feel exhausted and unhappy for no clear reason, it’s just part of the illness that I have. I’ve been giving myself a really tough time for the times I’ve felt unhappy and only really thought about it after catching the end of a Twitter chat.

I have a tattoo that says ‘One Day At A Time’ and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I’m going to let myself feel what I’m feeling and not feel guilty.

Coping With January Blues

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Now that we’re into the second week of January, I’ve heard a few people mention the January Blues. Who can blame them? It’s a little while until payday and the weather is less than wonderful right now. I can personally vouch that things feel a little less than rosy right now. When you combine the usual January blues with depression it can make life extremely hard, even the smallest things can feel like a chore. And when you’re faced with getting up in the dark (and in my case sometimes arriving at work in the dark) and coming home from work in the dark it can make you feel a little trapped.

So, how do we go about trying to help ourselves? How do we fight through the next 3 weeks of this month? I thought I’d come up with a little list of things that can be done to get ourselves through when the time of year isn’t exactly helping.

Remember that the days can only get longer 

Good news, we’ve now had the longest day so from this point on the days can only get shorter from here. It may be a long way off but Spring will come sooner rather than later.

If you want to eat, eat. 

It’s cold, it’s dark. If you want to eat classic winter meals like stew, Sheppard’s pie, general pie and lots of potatoes then do it. Starving yourself for a diet when

Try and get outside a little. 

I’m the worst for this but if you can go out and get a little walk when it’s not raining it can help. Being cooped up in a house or in the office the whole time can make you feel a lot worse, even if it is a really struggle to motivate yourself to go out there.

Know that it’s ok to struggle. 

I know a lot of people struggle with the feelings that they should be happy. There’s a big problem with the would should. I’ve felt like this recently that I should be happy, which is easy to say. Hearing that other people are having a bit of a wobble too makes me feel better. It’s definitely ok to struggle this time of year.

Don’t feel pressured by New Years Resolutions 

I don’t make them because I think it’s a terrible time to say you’re going to change all of these things. I don’t know about you but warmth and clear skies do a lot more for my motivation than cold and rain. Don’t feel pressured by others to do them! I work on things I want to do when I’m most motivated, which for me is in the Spring when things are actually new and generally nicer to look at.

Look After Yourself 

Self-care isn’t selfish. Say it with me, SELF-CARE ISN’T SELFISH. You can’t help anyone if you don’t help yourself. Make life easier for yourself and make sure that you look after number one, because you need to rely on yourself.

What are your top tips for coping with the January Blues? Let me know in the comments below or tweet me – @chloemetzger.

Carrie – An Icon

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I’m writing this with a heavy heart and tear stained cheeks, today the world lost an incredible woman, Carrie Fisher, her death was confirmed by daughter Billie’s publicist. To many Carrie will be remembered as Princess Leia, but she was so, so much more. I met Carrie only a few weeks ago and still can’t get my head around how this fun loving woman who crouched down to sign a little girls wheelchair without so much as a second thought is no longer with us, the world is cruel.

Of course Carrie was Princess Leia, but it’s not all she should be remembered for. She had a no BS attitude to life, which was apparent in her interviews. She was also an incredibly talented writer publishing three memoirs, a handful of novels and also working on screenplays in her life too. Carrie had a way with words that I can only dream to have, I’m thankful she took the time to have a London signing.

While Star Wars makes me happier than most things, it’s not the the thing I’ll remember Carrie most fondly for. She was open and honest about her struggles with addiction and life with Bipolar Disorder. When I met Carrie I wanted to thank her for that, when I did she seemed surprised and said ‘well I have a voice, when you can speak out you should, you know?’ There was nothing more to it. Carrie knew that she could make a big change and she did. For a star of her size to talk so openly about mental illness opened people’s minds. Carrie took the label of ‘crazy’ in her stride, she laughed about it, she made people realise it was ok to laugh. She made mental health come into the conversation, because she wasn’t ashamed. I didn’t get into Star Wars until I was 20, but finding out about Carrie changed my life. I devoured her books and interviews because she became an icon to me.

We have lost a beautiful soul, I can’t help but think of her daughter Billie, her dogs and the rest of her family at this time. She meant so much to so many, but at the end of the day she was someone’s Mum, Sister, Daughter and I cannot imagine the heartbreak they are facing right now.

Rest in Peace Carrie, and May The Force Always Be With You.

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What Being on a Mental Health Waitlist is Like

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Imagine you have an endless clock ticking in your head, the sound is not only annoying but  terrifying because you don’t know what happens when the clock stops ticking. That’s what it’s like living with a mental illness and no access to the treatment you know you need. That’s what it’s like living in my head at the moment.

I aim to always be honest and open about my mental health because talking about it is the only way were going to leave the stigma behind. I have been lucky enough for the past 3 years to have a wonderful mentor who worked with me weekly in navigating my mental health alongside studying and working. The problem was that she was funded by the Government under Disabled Student Allowance, who have strict rules. The week I handed in all of my coursework they stopped my funding. To them, I didn’t need academic help so I wasn’t their responsibility. It doesn’t matter that graduates face massive change and are under extreme stress. Even though I know I can still count on my mentor, it’s not the same as having her there weekly.

So, after speaking to my doctor, I was informed that there is a 4 – 5 month wait for someone to talk to. Oh and that’s after the one company that provides talking therapy in the whole area bother to call me back. People might not understand why I’m mad why I get so frustrated because I’m ok now, right? I wouldn’t say I’m 100% ok, I am struggling and do regularly. I’m managing as best I can.

I don’t understand, the worst thing for a person with a mental health condition is being left with their demons and no help is a dangerous thing. Those 4 months could mean the difference between life and death for some people. It makes me angry and upset that one person has to deem you ‘sick enough’ to get treatment in a healthy time scale, that there isn’t enough money in our health service, that it’s clear that mental health isn’t taken as seriously as physical health.

I’ve been in the deepest and darkest parts of depression and I’ll be honest, it’s one of the most terrifying things. It scares me knowing how sick I was and that as a teenager. I spoke out, I even told teachers and doctors I was depressed and just how poorly I was, only to have it shrugged off. I’m trying and fighting and working not to get back into that place and to stay on top of this illness. At the same time though, I feel like the doctors are giving up, that they don’t care if I get to the point of darkness, they’ll help then. We need to get rid of this culture of letting people get to their worst before we help because we wouldn’t do that to any other health condition.

We need to get rid of this culture of letting people get to their worst before they help, because we wouldn’t do that to any other health condition.

More Than My Diagnosis – World Mental Health Day 2016

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A lot is weighted on a diagnosis. Your key to treatment, to medication and help in general but it’s also a word or group of words that can carry opinions and stigma. When I was first diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety, I couldn’t say it out loud for a long time. I was terrified of what it meant, what people would say and how they would react. I got my diagnoses a month before I started university and of course, I got the usual, people trying to tell me all I needed was a change in lifestyle, people saying that it was ‘just life’ and people who avoided me after I did build up the courage to tell them. It’s a word, just a damn word but people judge you and your whole life. I am more than just a word, we are all more than what it says on a bit of paper and we can’t forget that. We need to educate people that we need to be more open-minded and that one word, a few words don’t make a person. We are more

We are more and we are not afraid.

Trying to Deal With Depression

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While on the phone with my Mum today I realised that for the past few months I’ve been fairly ok with the changes that have been happening, the breakdown of some friendships, etc. I’ve coped fairly well and while there have been lows, there hadn’t been incredibly bad ones over the summer, but unfortunately things seem to have come to a head lately.

To say that I’m exhausted is an understatement, I don’t know whether it’s a combination of work and just being busy or if part of it is the depression rearing its ugly head. People think that most of it is because of losing Noodle a few days ago, that is an absolutely huge part and it’s not something I can get get over and forget. There is more though, it’s hard to explain that grief and depression feel different. The depression is always there, it bubbles under the surface and then unleashes itself sometimes for days or weeks at a time.

I read an article about what people with high functioning depression want others to know, and it spoke to me. People think that because I have a lovely boyfriend, a good job, a degree and all that jazz that I should be happy. People almost get offended sometimes when you’re not happy. I wish there was a switch in my brain that meant I didn’t struggle. It doesn’t matter that I love my job and the people I work with, there are days where getting out of bed is difficult and when going back to bed later is all I can think about.

The point to writing this is because I do still struggle, all of us with depression do. Just because to the outside world it looks like someone is fine and ‘has it all’ doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling. Depression is a small part of me, but it is still something I have to deal with every day and I’m doing my best.

World Suicide Prevention Day 2016: Breaking the Taboo

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Suicide is something that people are too scared to talk about. Often the conversation can become difficult because people don’t know what to say, or don’t want to offend the person speaking. Of course it is a difficult topic, unless you’ve been at that point in your life where you can’t cope anymore it’s hard to understand why someone would choose to end their life, particularly if it all looks good from the outside. We focus so much on making sure that people stay alive but often we’re too scared to hear their reason why they wanted to die.

Recently the Basingstoke music community lost an incredibly talented DJ. She took her own life and a lot of us were shocked. I knew her from our college class, while we weren’t close I counted her as a friend, she came to a house party of ours and sat playing guitar and impressing people she’d never met before. That’s how I’ll always remember her. We parted ways after our final music performance 3 years ago and didn’t see each other after that. I followed some of her music stuff online and she was picking up speed in the industry. Unfortunately she passed away in what I can only imagine was a point of total and utter darkness.

I spoke in an interview with my university’s paper about being at a point where I didn’t think anything could get better. I was in my teens and just felt like school was never going to end. There was a part of me that feared I would ever feel better again, I would ever be the person I was before. When the piece was released some member of my family were shocked and upset to find that I felt that bad, that I hadn’t spoken about feeling that low. The thing is I wish I could have, I wish that I could have told my family, but I didn’t want to hurt anyone. When you’re at that point the depression is heavy and can muffle you wanting to speak out. I feel like I summed it up in the interview pretty well from the worst points to now;

“The doctor’s defined it as low mood, even though I had moments at school when I was suicidal. When you’re that poorly it’s very hard to talk to anyone else. I never want to get to that point again, it’s the most terrifying thing,” Metzger said. “If I can stop someone from getting to that point, or not feeling alone when they’re getting to that point I think I’ve made the best out of a really bad situation that I was in.”

I want to point out that I worked hard but was lucky to have the support around me, because not everyone has that. We need to work together to end the stigma, to make the fear around ‘saying the wrong thing’ lessen. If someone you care about seems low let them talk, be there for them. Sometimes talking to someone can make all the difference to how someone perceives the world. Let them know that what their feeling isn’t ‘selfish’ or ‘weak’, words that shouldn’t be associated with suicidal thoughts and feelings because mental illness can happen to ANYONE.

I didn’t want people to worry about me after writing this post. I know I have wonderful friends and family I can talk to now, I have coping strategies. I’m doing ok and I haven’t felt like that in a long time but I’ll use that experience to educate and help others and much as possible. This isn’t a post needed help, it’s sharing a story of my past and I encourage others to do the same.

Let’s break down the stigma.

And remember, someone loves you, someone needs and wants you around. You are not alone.

Sunday Seven: Seven Things You Should Know About Depression

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I wanted to write about depression tonight. It’s an illness I’ve had since I was a teenager and it’s definitely misunderstood, especially in young people. So here are seven things I think people should know about depression.

It impacts everyone differently. 

Depression is a very personal illness. For come their depression makes them feel irritable, teary or numb. For others their depression may mean they will work and work to make themselves better. Everyone has different triggers and emotions and everyone has different routes to recovery and feeling better.

It’s exhausting.

Mentally and physically depression saps energy. Whether or not you suffer with insomnia, which I do when I’m incredibly stressed, it can impact the quality of your sleep. So even if you’ve had a perfectly chilled day, you can still find yourself wanting to sleep for hours, or being tired at odd times.

A lot of people have jobs and lives whilst having depression, other people don’t, it’s not a competition. 

There’s a common misconception that people with depression stay in bed and don’t leave the house. Sometimes, that is true, personally I’ve been at the point where I’m so sick I can’t get up or haven’t gotten dressed for days. Some days I have to fight those feelings because I have a job and I know that I need to just look after myself a bit more on days like that. Like I said before the illness impacts everyone differently and it doesn’t mean anyone’s depression is better or worse, it just means that people have different ways of dealing with it.

Medication is a personal choice and not for anyone else to judge.

It works for some and not for others, depression is an illness and some illnesses need medication, I don’t understand why it’s judged so much. Would you judge a person for having an inhaler?

There doesn’t need to be a reason. 

A lot of people think there needs to be an event or trauma for depression to happen, but this isn’t always the case. My depression was started by bullying at school but I was also more prone to it anyway. Life can be going incredibly well and you can still be depressed, it’s just a part of the illness.

There are good days and bad days.  

Some days I will be in a great mood, chatting, laughing and going out with friends. Other days I need to cancel all my plans and have a day to myself because the slightest thing is too much. It’s all about good days and bad days.

I’m still me. 

No matter what a person with depression is still the person you know and love. They may be a little lost for a while or not act like the person you know but try not to treat them differently. There are quite a few people who have deemed me a bitch or not wanting to bother when I’ve had a particularly bad time, not understanding that it’s just a rough patch and I’m still the person I always was, just struggling.

What Dark Clouds Can Do

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If you live in the UK you can’t have failed to notice that our summer time isn’t doing so great at the moment. As I’m writing we’ve endured battering winds and almost constant rain all day, and it doesn’t look like tomorrow is going to be any better. Why am I giving you a weather update? Because for me, and for many others out there the weather can have a huge impact on their mental health. I know that for years now I’ve always found everything a little harder when the weather is bleak and miserable.

My depression is something I’ve lived and worked through since I was in my teens. I’ve written about it a lot and I’ve spent a fair amount of time trying to reach out and help others get through the tough times. When I talk about the weather it doesn’t mean that when it’s warm and sunny I don’t get depressed, but there’s the choice to try and take a little walk and go outside, or even just open a window if that’s too much. Also, it’s known that sunshine is incredibly good for people with depression and the chemicals in your brain.

When it’s raining, windy and cold it’s easy to let the darkness overcome you. When you are struggling to get out of bed in the morning, it’s dark and howling a person who isn’t depressed isn’t that keen on getting up, when you have depression it can feel impossible. With the changes in weather it can be exhausting for someone with a mental illness, I know it is for me.

While it doesn’t mean that this weekend I’ll be on a huge low (because they come and go depending on a lot of things) it does mean that if someone you love is a little off or struggling a little more it might not be you, it might be as simple as a change in the weather making things a little more difficult. Having a mental illness isn’t easy, but educating people and having them understand makes it a lot more bearable.

 

Work and Mental Health

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I’ve now been working for a month a month of huge change for me. Now, I have been anxious about leaving university and joining the ‘real world’ for months. Terrified of the impact it would have on my mental health as well as trying to adjust like a ‘normal person’. I’ve been very open and honest about my mental health online, because I want to share my story and to encourage others. In my interviews to work with Exonar I spoke about the blog, the mental health work and campaigning I’ve done because I’m proud of it. I’ve never hidden it but I don’t about it. I also know that my colleagues occasionally read my blog, they’ve told me which was both nerve wracking and exciting. Luckily I work with wonderful and understanding people, they’re read and don’t treat me any different.

Of course, I’ll always be honest, there have been days in the past month where I’ve worried that I was starting to slip. My anxiety has been kicking in again and the depression will grab me some days and make me really struggle, but I’ve been living with those kinds of days since I was 15 years old and I know that most of the time they pass sooner or later. It doesn’t mean that the lows are nicer to deal with or that the anxiety attacks don’t make me feel like I can’t breathe but I’m doing it, I’m dealing with it the best I can. I got to work, I get stuff done and try and concentrate until it passes. I think the hardest thing is when I’m tired, because I know tiredness is one of the things that makes my depression really hard to deal with, but I’m learning, working and trying to find my feet. The tiredness is something we’re all dealing with, it’s more irritating than not that it makes me more irritable and prone to low mood.

All in all, I’m trying. I know that I have to live with this and with the support of Ali, my family and knowing that I have people I can rely on at work fills me with hope. This illness may never go away but like hell am I going to let it control my life.

 

 

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