I Don’t Always Love My Body

One of my favourite YouTubers Jessica Kellgren-Fozard posted a video earlier this month about the fact that it’s okay if we don’t always love our bodies. It really got me thinking about my own feelings toward my body and how I fit into the body positivity movement. I have a really complicated relationship with my body I can both love and loathe it sometimes within a day I can intensely feel both.

Before my accident I didn’t always like my appearance but it was pretty standard stuff, I’d like a flatter stomach, longer legs etc. I had my accident, then I got sick. All of a sudden I was putting on a lot of weight, I was in pain all the time, I was getting dark circles under my eyes and I felt awful. I didn’t recognise this body and I didn’t want it.

There have been hours where I’ve fought with my body, where I haven’t been kind or treated it well. Where I’ve restricted food that I wanted or pushed myself too hard to try and look how I used to before. Bare in mind that when I had the accident I was 20, I’m now 25 and I don’t know many women who can still fit into the same jeans from 5 years ago…

There are still times, days or sometimes weeks where I’m not happy. Where I can’t shout SELF LOVE and shake it all about. I do want to hide, I feel sad and I wear my baggiest clothes. I also get mad and upset and frustrated. And that’s ok.

When I am FEELING myself I will take pictures and post them online. I’m not wasting my days where I am in love with the way I look, people don’t want to see them? They don’t have to follow me. You can probably see where my physical and mental health are good because there will be a spatterings of selfies and outfit pics.

The thing is I know in the next 5-10 years my body will continue to change. I’m currently working towards getting fit and healthy so I feel better when I know all eyes are on me at my wedding AND so I can keep up with Ali on our honeymoon. After that I do hope to be a mother and my body will change again and then it will keep changing throughout my life.

When your body can go against you and there’s nothing you can do I think it’s pretty normal to have periods where you aren’t loving it. Where you don’t want to post pictures or smile because it’s maddening. I’m also still getting used to knowing that I will have issues for the rest of my life.

So, no I don’t always love my body but sometimes I feel great and want to share – I think that’s pretty normal. I still think we need the body positivity movement. We need to see stretch marks, different shapes, disables bodies and wobbles because airbrushing and ‘perfection’ is so done.

What’s your view on body positivity?

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