I Don’t Always Love My Body

One of my favourite YouTubers Jessica Kellgren-Fozard posted a video earlier this month about the fact that it’s okay if we don’t always love our bodies. It really got me thinking about my own feelings toward my body and how I fit into the body positivity movement. I have a really complicated relationship with my body I can both love and loathe it sometimes within a day I can intensely feel both.

Before my accident I didn’t always like my appearance but it was pretty standard stuff, I’d like a flatter stomach, longer legs etc. I had my accident, then I got sick. All of a sudden I was putting on a lot of weight, I was in pain all the time, I was getting dark circles under my eyes and I felt awful. I didn’t recognise this body and I didn’t want it.

There have been hours where I’ve fought with my body, where I haven’t been kind or treated it well. Where I’ve restricted food that I wanted or pushed myself too hard to try and look how I used to before. Bare in mind that when I had the accident I was 20, I’m now 25 and I don’t know many women who can still fit into the same jeans from 5 years ago…

There are still times, days or sometimes weeks where I’m not happy. Where I can’t shout SELF LOVE and shake it all about. I do want to hide, I feel sad and I wear my baggiest clothes. I also get mad and upset and frustrated. And that’s ok.

When I am FEELING myself I will take pictures and post them online. I’m not wasting my days where I am in love with the way I look, people don’t want to see them? They don’t have to follow me. You can probably see where my physical and mental health are good because there will be a spatterings of selfies and outfit pics.

The thing is I know in the next 5-10 years my body will continue to change. I’m currently working towards getting fit and healthy so I feel better when I know all eyes are on me at my wedding AND so I can keep up with Ali on our honeymoon. After that I do hope to be a mother and my body will change again and then it will keep changing throughout my life.

When your body can go against you and there’s nothing you can do I think it’s pretty normal to have periods where you aren’t loving it. Where you don’t want to post pictures or smile because it’s maddening. I’m also still getting used to knowing that I will have issues for the rest of my life.

So, no I don’t always love my body but sometimes I feel great and want to share – I think that’s pretty normal. I still think we need the body positivity movement. We need to see stretch marks, different shapes, disables bodies and wobbles because airbrushing and ‘perfection’ is so done.

What’s your view on body positivity?

I'm Obese?

I’m Obese?!

Earlier in the year at a hospital appointment, I stood on the scales and burst into tears. Still classed as overweight, even obese. Despite the fact I’m a UK size 12-14, I felt dread and disgust that those words would be put on my chart. The nurse patted me on the arm and said don’t take any notice, hers said the same, another nurse agreed. This was rated on the BMI scale, which has been part of various debates.

Now, if you follow me on any of my social media you’ll know that I have curves, I always have. When I think and look back on my relationship with my body I’ve always thought I was ‘fat’. I want to go back in time and shake myself because between the ages of 16-19 I was tiny, I shouldn’t have worried about crop today or short dresses. I should have loved every inch of my self and I didn’t.

I started having a lot more issues with my body after my spinal injury. I couldn’t walk properly for months and any definition I’d gained horse riding was gone and had been replaced with weight gain. I was on a stupid number of tablets, mostly having to rest or use a wheelchair and as a result, I put on a lot of weight, I knew that. My face always shows it first.

Face shot 2015 wearing brace

Me in 2015

 

As soon as I was in recovery I tried to lose weight, counted calories and went to rehab gym and it worked! I got down to a slimmer size. Then I graduated, got a job and stopped going to the gym, stopped counting and got bigger again.

Why am I tell you this? Why am I sharing this on the internet? Because I’m done with BMI. I’m done with this idea there is one perfect body and size we all should be. BMI doesn’t account for the fact that my boobs could probably be classed as a small country. It doesn’t account for athletes that are classed as ‘obese’ because of muscle. It doesn’t account for people who cannot be as physically active as they would like due to illness or injury.

Even though it’s hard I need to try and love my body, I need to not get absorbed by numbers and comparisons. I have boobs and I have a butt and I love them very much. I also have a ‘pouch’. I had this idea that I should shrink myself into being the same as I was when I was 18 and that’s not how bodies work as we get older. We’re not meant to look like our 18-year-old selves for the rest of our lives.

Full Body Selfie June 2018

Me in June 2018

So I’m going to try, try to be healthy while still loving the skin that I’m in. What about you? Do you have the same feelings? Let me know in the comments below!