Tag: uni

A productive day…or so I thought!

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Today  I have been very pleased with myself. I got up with time to spare and ended up making it to uni half an hour early to attend my mental health meeting. To put it bluntly I don’t like the meetings at all, the bore and irritate me and I don’t feel like anything gets achieved. I tried to stay positive and got it over and done with despite some really disappointing news.

Onwards and upwards they usually say so I continued, got myself a Starbucks and a cake and carried on in the library getting quite a lot of work done (the silent area is incredible when you have a lot to do) before meeting my friend Joe. I set off into town to try  and get Ali’s birthday present sorted, however I now have to go back to Basingstoke for this!!! I was still quite happy about this when I got the bus home and was given a lovely dinner by my flatmate (he felt sorry for my god damn awful cooking last night… don’t even ask!). It wasn’t until it hit me what this mental health meeting had done did I start to get angry. I don’t want to go into too much detail in regards to other but I’ve been having some difficulties at uni lately and after talking to the right people I now have to relay everything again to more important people and I really don’t feel comfortable with it. So now instead of the happy Chloe I’ve been for the last few days I’m stressed,tired and anxious. 

I’m desperately hoping tomorrow will be better and I’ll have a good day but right now I think it’s time for bed. 

Always getting ahead

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At the age of seven I stood up in front of my Aunt’s wedding reception and sang ‘Eternal Flame’ by The Bangles. I was not bothered in the slightest I just stood up and sang while adults got all misty eyed and I was none the wiser. Since I was small I’ve always been confident and I’ve been ahead of my class most school years (so much so that at one point they thought I might end up at Oxford or Cambridge). Even at the age of five I couldn’t stand being read too, so instead I’d read to my mum at night, not bothering with silly voices I just wanted to read it. As I got older my confidence as a performer grew and so did my skills in reading and writing I was on top form. Even when I was bullied I may have lost the majority of my confidence but apart from Maths I was generally either one of the smarter ones in my class or at least ahead of what I was supposed to be. 

Why am I tell you all this? Not to show off I can assure you. Once I started Uni I realised I wasn’t the smartest any more and there are things that I didn’t know, even about myself. I’ve been finding parts of Uni a struggle, things I shouldn’t. For me this was really tough, I’d been the smart girl for the past 2 years, what was I now? This started to have a real impact on me, for the last few weeks I’ve been really uncertain. I spoke to people and now questions are being raised about me being Dyslexic. This doesn’t surprise me as I knew I already had tendencies but after a talk with my tutor she said usually brighter children find way to compensate and hide it. It got me thinking and academically I love pleasing people so maybe I held off in the other dyslexia tests? I wont know for a little while but it has been agreed that I will have a test paid for by the uni to see if they can give me any help and find the cause. 

I think I need to relax but I do worry about being behind. I have to be organised, I have to be on time and usually I need to know what’s going on. Sometimes (as I mentioned before) it’s a blessing but it’s also exhausting so I’m trying to take a leaf out of Ali’s book and be more relaxed about things. I need to learn to go with the flow, we’ll see how that works out! Anxiety plays it’s part and I’m hoping when CBT starts working I will be able to be that little bit more relaxed. Apart from worrying about going back to Halls I haven’t had to use CBT today but it’s still going to take time. This is something that I can’t get ahead with, a new way to learn I suppose! 

I think I want to be a Journalist

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It seems to me lately that everyone knows what they want to do when they leave Uni, vaguely at least. I on the other hand am one of those people who have no idea what so ever what they want to do…until today at least. Most people in Creative Writing were not impressed with the whole idea of a journalism lecture, I on the other hand was intrigued. I genuinely wondered what they could teach us in Creative Writing. 

Overall I agreed with what the lecturer said, other elements not so much. I will say though that it was the most enthusiastic I have felt in a Creative Writing lecture for quite a while now. I found something I was genuinely interested in. I’ll admit it wasn’t a sudden epiphany I’ve been toying with the idea of going into journalism for quite a while now but while I’m so close to London, why not?   

Who knows if this is something I’ll still want to do by the end of my degree? I might completely change my mind and want to go into teaching again or I might do a law conversion. I think the thing with uni is that I can try new things and not have to completely make my mind up just yet. 

What I want to be when I grow up

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You know when you’re a kid? You dream about everything you can be and there are absolutely no limits. I’ve changed my mind so many times about what I want to be my ‘proper job’. You see I want to be a musician, I want to do it more than anything in the world but in my lecture today something came to me, a thought that is now burning through my mind like a flame. I want to be a journalist, well I think I do anyway. I swear I was the only one in the lecture today who was excited by a journalism lecture, even though I didn’t particularly agree with some of the things said I’m seriously considering some work experience.

An important part of uni is trying to work out just about what you’re going to do when they throw you out eventually, you know into the big scary world. The timers ticking, I have 3 years here and then I’m supposed to work it all out. Well that’s the theory anyway…

The first night out, nerves as well!!

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The thought of going out has been playing on my mind now for about a month. Bekkie and I had discussed going to cheese night this weekend but when we came to discussing it I felt awful. I’d hardly slept due to noise in the flat/building, I was exhausted and ended up bursting into tears over absolutely nothing and so we decided that we’d go home have a nap and go from there.  After talking to my tutor I was starting to feel better and ended up sleeping for 3 hours when I got back, after a bite to eat I was ready to give it a go.

I was stressed I wont lie, I’d never properly done this before well not in clubs anyway. We ended up going with my flatmate Christie and some other friends and headed to the pub first, which had now evolved to a club atmosphere. We ordered some drinks and were getting ready to head into the club opposite. The problem however was the boys. Now we’re a group of fairly attractive girls so it wasn’t unheard of for boys to try and dance with us, I however made sure they wouldn’t get the wrong idea. Normally if they see a ring on your finger (even if it you buy it yourself, make it look like an engagement ring) most of the time it will work tonight it didn’t. Some of the guys were nice and just looking to chat  (well I thought so) some were complete idiots and would not take no for an answer especially the old ones who pretended they were in their twenties. You’re not fooling anyone, give up old men who are double my age.

Despite the fun however I started feeling really poorly and my kidneys started to ache. After not being back long I didn’t want to push it and Bekkie didn’t feel like the club either. So we left and went to McDonalds. So it might not have been a wild night but I tried.

I’ll try again next time 😉

A job, a hair cut and ice cream!

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Today was a very good day… I got the job! The money is very good and I have more info to look into it I’m so excited it was a total confidence boost 😀 Other than that after an uncomfortable trip to the hairdressers I finally got my hair cut with a God of a hairdresser. Rush in Kingston are the est salon I’ve ever been to!  I got to have tea, a head massage, chocolates and oh yeah 25% off for being a student!! After that Bekkie and I headed to an ice cream bar for celebrations then ran for a bus home (just the normal thing between Becks and I!). Today has been pretty good with only a few hiccups (I feel more confident now I’ve styled my hair myself) hopefully I have my first night out tomorrow, lets see what happens!

Feeling Lonely

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After a lovely weekend I think it’s fair to say I was lonely. With two of my closest friends back at home for a few days and Ali having fun with his new friends I felt a little left out. When I went to the train station to sort my friends Oyster out it was like the train for Basingstoke was the only one I could see, I just wanted to get on it and run away from everything. I really hate being negative but what I’m trying to say is that it’s ok to feel lonely, uni is totally new and your bound to feel out of place.

I hope this helps,

Chloe

Feeling inbetween

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It isn’t often that I pour my heart into this blog, generally speaking I really think about what I’m going to write. Tonight it’s more of a need to write more than anything. I’ve found that University doesn’t solve everything, it makes you think even more about things. Since being home I’ve just felt this kind of restlessness about it all. When I’m at home I just want to be at uni but when I’m at uni I’m unsure and miss home. I want to be the girl everyone loves and wants to be around. I desperately want to go on nights out and have endless friends and to some extent I do. I always know someone where ever I go at uni, the only exception to this is on the bus, where I go to escape some times. The majority of the time I love uni but sometimes I get agitated, sometimes I get bored and wonder why I’m paying so much money or why I pay rent for halls when about 3 times a week it’s impossible to sleep. After that the sensible part reminds me that I’m over reacting and to think of all the good points again and how hard I worked to be here. 

My mind never stops, I’ll debate all of this every other day and I’ll never get the same conclusion. I want to go out, I want to just have fun like everyone else but sometimes I can’t. Yes I’ll admit that I’ve been poorly and just as the anxiety settles down and I’m ready for a night out my kidneys flare up and I’m stuck with anxiety again. I think I need to make myself go out, who knows I might even enjoy it but it’s the initial going that is the problem. I hate to feel like I’m blaming my illness but my anxiety does make simple things that little bit harder to deal with. I also have an issue of being ahead, I’ve spend so long working independently that in first year working with others is proving really difficult for me. At college I was normally 2 or 3 assessments ahead of everyone else and sometimes I can’t do that here and it is really hard. I don’t know if this is just a part of me or if it’s linked to my illness or both, I try really hard not to relate absolutely everything to what I have because then you just become a stereotype or a label, something I don’t want to be. 

I wrote this because sometimes I just need to let it all out and this is how I do it. I hope this could help someone else at some point as well. I love uni but sometimes I don’t. I love home but sometimes I need to get away. I feel like I’m going insane but maybe that’s normal for a student. I’ll keep plodding along as see how I go. Let’s just say this is going to be a very long year full of ups and downs…. 

Ups and Downs

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How I entertain myself and Ali on my bus journeys (that’s my tongue not my bottom lip)

 

Today the inevitable happened, tired, full of cold and stressed out I finally hit a low. I know it’s been coming it’s like a storm you can feel coming and I was silly enough to have thought it had gone away. I had a dip the other night with Ali but I put that down to drinking too much (never.again.) today was different. I was up and ready (after my hot water wasn’t working, that was strike one), today was freshers fair! I’d heard so much about it and honestly, it didn’t live up to the hype. Many of my other freshers have said the same thing too many people in one small place. I couldn’t breath and I could hardly move at all which made me feel awful as well as some slightly pushy 2nd and 3rd years being around. I signed up for a few of the societies that I really wanted to Music, Rock and Journalism, I’m planning to pop back early tomorrow to try and see if there is anything else I want to join in with. The thing is I don’t want to sign up for to much and regret it later so I’m just sticking with my 3 and may spend some time with the student’s union. With all the chaos I just felt lost and alone and needed to cry. I panicked and I felt like I wanted to go home (perfectly normal freshers feelings) then started to go on a low. As with many other times I tried to relax and ended up falling asleep during a visit to Ali’s this afternoon and I woke up feeling much better.

After a low I try and think about it and work out why but do you know what? Sometimes there isn’t a reason, it’s just part of a really crappy illness that I have. No one knows if I’ll get rid of it for good, it could go away for years and come back but I try not to think about that. The anxiety is the same thing but in my heart I think I’ll always be a little bit anxious. I am accepting it and I want to leave university after changing people’s perceptions on mental health issues that we’re not all ‘nutters’. Unfortunately due to my low mood I couldn’t face the disability meeting which really upset me  because normally I try and work around it and I do but I suppose I have to accept that a lot is changing and moving. Things will be worse at the moment and I hoping I can move on but I do hate it and I can’t always be positive, it’s just the way things are. I did get around it though with a trip to Kingston Hill, a nice shower, some home cooked food (thanks for the frozen meals mum!) and a lovely night in with Becky. Overall tonight has been a good end to a particularly rough day. Here’s hoping tomorrow is ok! 

Do I look like a Kingston Uni student to you?

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Today was my first day in Kingston and I have officially enrolled as a university student. As I write this I have an ID card in my bag and I’m wearing a lovely red Kingston hoodie (for the great price of only £20, ok so that is sarcasm right there). Luckily Ali and I had the same appointment slot so I didn’t have to go on my own, all the girls had theirs much earlier in the day so I took the opportunity to stroll around the absolutely packed Bentalls Centre. Oh that’s another thing I’ve learnt not to go into town on a Saturday unless I have too it was so packed I ended up eating lunch sat on the floor…

The enrolment itself was fine we had to explore rooms and spoke to different people from the university. I also met a lady who told me about a potential job for the uni as well as inviting me to go to something for the Chancellor, I gave her my email and I suppose we’ll see what happens. Apart from that today was quite normal I suppose I’m just getting used to being here and trying to get ready for a big week ahead. Oh God what have I let myself in for!