Tag: uni

Everything needs to slow down!

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Everthing is going so fast. There are so many things that I need to do or say or think about at the moment and overwhelmed doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel right now. I’ve been tried since Sunday and I’m trying really hard to be positive but little things are knocking me at the moment. Today hasn’t been out of the ordinary waking up, shower, lecture, mental health mentoring appointment again after feeling naff. The problem is there are so many things that are stressing me out at the moment it’s not the simple case of sitting down and working through a problem logically.

You all know I’m a fan of lists so here is one of all the things that are going on now first year is ending

-Assignments

-Presentations

-Awards Show

-Starting a new job

-Lack of sleep

-Finding somewhere to live

-Missing my family

-Getting the band ready for a big announcement

-Scholarship worries

-Driving worrys (still haven’t passed)

– Rude People and people expecting too much

No one said uni was easy, I don’t think I’d like it as much if it was but with everything that could possibly be going on happening at the moment I think I’m allowed to be a little stressed at the moment. I feel like a giant clock is sitting above my head and every tick makes me a little more stressed. Should I be stressed? No probably not work wise, I’ve done 90% of it, it’s just one module that I care a lot about which has me stressed and worried even though I’m told I shouldn’t be.

So what did I do to calm down enough to sit down and write this you ask? I spoke to my mental health mentor, made a few calls to get on top of things and I took some me time and not in a way I noramlly would. I went into my kitchen, leaving my phone in my room, and I started to cook. I wasn’t cooking to eat any of it, I just prepared meals for the next week to be frozen and it actually made me eat. It ended up being a kind of therapy I was so focused on cooking I cheered up, I felt on top of things again. Then I just curled up and watched a film while putting some finishing touches to my essay.

Like everyone else, sometimes I need things to slow down, I need to slow down. It’s harder because with my anxiety my mind is racing constantly, it doesn’t stop and then when the depression takes hold of this I start thinking of the worst thing that could happen. I’m getting better at recognising what I need and apparently cooking is something that can help…news to me! Either way I’m working on it, I hate sounding negative but sometimes I just can’t help it. Recording tomorrow..let’s see if that works!

Where has the year gone?!?!

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Tomorrow I have my last lecture of first year English Literature. Last week my favourite module ‘Deabtes in Literature’ had its last lecture, tomorrow it will be for Writing and Rhetoric and that’s all my lectures for first year over. I didn’t realise when I signed up that it was 2 teaching blocks and one purely for exams/assignments and so it is a bit of a shock.

It doesn’t seem that long ago that I was packing up my things, nervous as hell and wondering how on earth I was going to get through the first year and now I only have a week and 3 months until I pack everythin away and had back to Basingstoke for a summer. Most people are planning on going home as soon as classes end, for me that would be the 21st March but Kingston can’t get away from me that esaily! I still have so much planned, a flat to find, assignments to write, my teaching job is 15 days between April and the end of June. I’m hoping to be working for the uni again if my interview goes well, fingers crossed!

I don’t really want this year to end, aside from not really feeling that good about the halls situation and my struggles with Creative Writing I’ve loved first year. I have friends, adventures and a whole different life here. I’m kind of a different person to who I was before and that’s okay. I’m more aware of my illness and how to manage it, I have more of an idea about myself I think and Kingston has helped a lot.

I makes me upset that in a mere few months a third of my degree will be done. As excited as I am at the thought of going into second year I’m bloody terrified too. The work will be uppsed, I’ll be living with Ali for the first time and I’ll be managing bills, a job hopefully as well as trying to keep the blog going. It’s easy, if I think too much, to get overwhelmed by this in an instant, to start to freak out and lose sleep, which I previously would have. I am working through ways of not letting things get on top of me and trying to keep my anxieties under control. 

So now I’m sitting here with part of next year reading list and taking a good go at it but for once I’m not rushing to start second year. Yes it’s me and I will do additional reading over the summer, I’ll try and get ahead but no in such an urgent way. I’m pretty happy just being at uni and taking my time a little more. Now I’m not saying I’m at peace and calm now, my anxiety has been a bitch for the past week but right now I’m just hoping I can appreciate what I have left of first year.

Living with a ‘disability’

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As far as I was concerned when I applied to university I wasn’t disabled, I’d never been disabled and I just had to get on with my life in the best way possible.Little did I know I’d suffered with at least one disability my entire life. Now I’ve written before about being Dyslexic but I haven’t really gone into detail about how it can impact on my life at uni or otherwise. The majority of people here and at home that are friends with Ali and I are shocked and sometimes don’t believe me when I say I’m registered with the Dyslexia and Disability department, they ask me why and sometimes still make their own assumptions about if I’m ‘really’ disabled.

It’s a funny word that I never really use about myself. When most people hear the word disability they think of something physical, a wheelchair, a walking aide, a white stick are all a lot easier to understand. Depression and Anxiety isn’t visible and I have gone for years with some people not having a clue. As with the Dyslexia, I went nearly 15 years in the education system without it being picked up that I was not only Dyslexic but severely Dyslexic and not just stupid as I had thought. Both of my ‘disabilities’ are mental, I explain a lot that it’s not uncommon for someone with a mental health condition to wish it was physical, people understand that.

So I wanted to use today’s blog to talk about some of the common misconceptions about disability as a student and how my life is impacted by BOTH of them.

1. People with Dyslexia only have problems reading or writing

This is a HUGE misconception that simply needs a little bit more education. Whilst I was at school it was thought I couldn’t be Dyslexic as I was in the top class for English. Although my CAT scores were lower and I constantly struggled with little things like paragraphing, punctuation and spelling it wasn’t really looked in to. Even at uni some of my seminar leaders admit they know nothing about Dyslexia and if I ‘try a bit harder’ I might pick up these things. Dyslexia has a massive spectrum for me my weaknesses are processing information, spelling (I will change a whole sentence if I can’t spell a word sometimes), grammar, basic skills and the speed in which I do things.  

2. Depressed people don’t have fun, they’re constantly unhappy

This just isn’t true for the majority of depressed people. There are flickers of light even in your darkest days but because of the way you’re thinking it’s just harder to see them. I’m out of the darkest part but on a low I find it hard to think positively. With gentle encouragement and time there can be good days for someone with Depression. We can be fun too!! 

3. You’d know if you were dyslexic

I found out I was dyslexic at 19 years old studying for a degree in English Literature. I knew I struggled a lot but it was my tutor who suggested getting a test. A lot of things make sense now as to WHY I struggled. 

4. You don’t need a fancy new laptop from the government for uni

There is a lot of jealousy over disabled students because we get DSA (Disabled Student Allowance). I have been insulted many times saying that I don’t need help. I do get help in the form of a dyslexia tutor and a mental health mentor. I got a laptop, programming, a printer and a voice recorder to help me with my studies because sometimes I struggle. There are people who play the system to get what they want but it’s not all of us!! I hate being accused of being a ‘scrounger’ by people who spend all their student loan on booze. I’m really grateful that I got the help I did because it makes life SO much easier!

5. Anxiety is just a part of life

I was actually told this after my diagnosis by a member of staff who I believe thought I was lying. Yes anxiety is a part of life but living with it is different. The most minor things will make you fret and worry constantly, losing concentration, sleep and generally making you quite poorly. That is anxiety, trust me.

6. It’s all attention seeking

No. Just no.

7. You can’t have a learning difficulty, you’re smart

8. Why do you get money? It’s not really fair is it?

Going back to number 4, I don’t get direct payments but some people do to help them cover costs. I have an amount for extra books, ink, etc. Just think if you became disabled wouldn’t you find that help a relief? I certainly do, it means I don’t put unnecessary worry or strain on myself or those around me and can get the help I need.

9. How do your disabilities affect your day to day life

More than you may think! In terms of dyslexia, it effects my reading, writing, spelling, memory, processing things quickly (which makes exams horrible), the time it takes for me to do things, my driving (I’m on my 4th test now) which really bugs me. I’m learning to adapt to it. My Depression/Anxiety makes me a worrier, can put me on a low where I’m really unmotivated, can make me irritable, tired an honestly can mean I’m not a great person to be around. Occasionally I’ll have to miss a day of class because I’m feeling that crappy. I’m lucky that I have a good group of people who understand around me.

10. Is it hard?

Yes. It can be but I wouldn’t change it…well most of the time anyway. I find ways to get around things, to smile and carry on to the best I can. Now I understand why I struggle with certain things and for me that’s great! I can learn how to fix them 🙂

So there it is, hopefully some questions have been answered. If you have any more PLEASE! comment below or tweet me!

6 months in

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6 months ago I started my first day at Kingston. 6 months and 3 days ago I moved away from home for the first time and I’ve survived so far. While I’ve come home this weekend I’ve started realising that I’ve actually changed a fair bit, not too much but enough. I’ve started sorting myself out, becoming more independent and just generally being happier. As much as I love my family I’ve realised that I don’t need to be in Basingstoke anymore. I’m happy having independence, choosing what to do, what to eat and just working things out for myself (with a little help from Ali and the guys at times). I guess I’m kinda done with this town for a while, maybe not forever but I just love being in a busy city. I love hopping on a train and being in London in 20 minutes, being on the river and being in a student town (Basingstoke is definately not a student hot spot).

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that university changes you, for the better I think. I’ve experienced so much and I’ll experience so much more in the next 2 and a half years. the one thing you really notice though? How quickly time flies. When I was at school days stretch on and on, I never thought I would get out alive or that it would eventually end. College just seemed to be a waiting period but now I’m at uni everything goes so fast but I think I love the speed! I’m so excited to carry on in September because I love my Lit course and actually being liked for being smart. So six months in I think I’m doing okay and that’s important for me to know.

Here’s to the next six!

Neknominations?

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I like a drink as much as anyone else. I’m happy sat in the SU bar with my double Malibu and lemonade and chilling with a few friends…if one happens to turn into three then that’s fine with me too, even if I end up falling asleep in Ali’s bathroom (true story). One thing I really can’t stand though is heavy drinking games…especially ones where you sit on your own with a camera. I heard about Neknominations on the news a week or two ago over the deaths of a few guys a bit older than me. I didn’t think much of it and then it started cropping up all over my Facebook page. 

I won’t tell people what to do, that’s up to them but I really don’t understand it. I get games like ‘ring of fire’ or where you watch a TV show and take a shot for certain things and I don’t mind never have I ever (a few nights have been spent playing that as well as fuzzy duck). I just don’t understand sitting in on your own, pouring a load of drinks into a cup so that it tastes revolting and filming yourself, I hope I’m not the only one. Now I’m ready for this shit storm over this one so let me make this clear YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT. I just don’t understand the point of it all…

I have to say though some of them have made me laugh and not because I like watching my friends do it. My friend Amy added Garlic Salt and Nesquick with hilarious results. My favourite though is when people take the piss out of the whole thing, starting with a guy I know called Phil who done it with apple juice, followed by Dan who slowly drank a mug of tea and edited the video and then of course my favourite crazy American Rhys drank a pint of fruit twist Fanta (nothing new there). Out of all of No People Club Ali and I are the only ones not to be nominated although if the occasion does arise I have something up my sleeve! 

 

On a Mad One

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Amy has a phrase for whenever one of us gets angry/upset/annoyed and needs to vent until we calm down we go on a ‘mad one’. Now in the last few months there have been various forms of this and today it hit me, big time. I haven’t had a break or a rest since the beginning of January it’s been at least 4 weeks of non stop work, so today my brain just said no. Throw in room issues, bus issues, a disgusting smelling kitchen, arrogant show offs from earlier in the week and generally irritating people and you’ve got how I feel right now. I know people will read this, some may think I’m talking about them and be offended…if that is you think about why you’re offended, then you’ll get to how I feel when I write this. I ended up in the university Starbucks with Amy having a little heart to heart and she just made me feel ok , she reminded me that I am a part of something and going up to Kingston Hill just lifts my mood 90% of the time. 

I hate feeling low, it’s one of the worst things in the world and sometimes a ‘mad one’ is just a part of a low. I’ve tried to be positive today and when I was with Amy it was ok, I didn’t think about everything that was bothering me too much and I just talked it out. The problem is when I’m upset and alone or when I’m surrounded by people who just don’t help. So I’m spending this evening locked in my room listening to You Me At Six and trying to get this assignment finished. What people don’t tell you is no matter how much you love uni (and I honestly do) being in halls is hard work. Not every flat has a magical connection and sometimes you lock horns, not in a big way but when you want to slob out and just eat crappy food all day you feel this pressure, well I personally do. I generally find it quite hard when I’m having a bad day, feeling like someone is constantly looking at what you’re doing. The bottom line, it’s not like you’re at home, you have to think about a lot more, you can’t want around in some of your PJs because they might be ‘too revealing’, you don’t wear make up and people think your ill! 

Sometimes all that compared with a bad day is just a little too much. I’m trying to look forward though, to next year. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it but Ali and I will be living together so it makes life a little easier. I just feel so comfortable around him, I can do whatever the hell I want and not feel like I have to think about it or discuss it later. I guess what I’m tring to say in this blog post is that honestly I struggle sometimes living with a whole block full of people and not feeling close to any of them and it’s just a part of life. Plus, going from somewhere where you feel like you belong, the band, Hannafords etc to being completely alone isn’t the nicest feeling. Now I’m shaking off this ‘Mad One’ I’m hoping that I can get rid of it and go to uni feeling a bit better about everything and just get on with my work before going out with Amy tomorrow night! 

The KU Talent Awards and me!

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I promised myself that I would try and get as involved as possible in university life. I didn’t join the liveliest societies so I set about working hard and trying to be positive. When I was online I found out about the KUTalent awards and that I could apply for one, the rising star award for first years. There are loads of different categories for students, staff and companies. I’m nominating myself, I know it sounds crazy and I haven’t been doing it for that very reason but after taking to some staff they said I might as well. The more I filled in my application the more I realised that I’ve truly settled into university now and how much I’ve achieved in such a short space of time. 

Now on day where I wobble it’s hard to remember this I fell alone, tired and emotional, on days like that the blog can help me realise that I’m gonna do ok. I don’t know if I’ll win the award but that’s not what counts really, my tutor read my application and agreed with what I’d written. She agreed so much she’s offered to write me a reference highlighting just how far I’ve come since turning up and heading to sainsbury’s in the pouring rain wondering how I’d do it all. I’m not the same girl as I was when I started, there are definite improvements.

I know how refelctive and possibly cheesy this sounds but I’m actually happy here. I have my lows, who doesn’t? It just feels wierd while I watch the confident people starting to miss home, I feel ok. I still miss them but it’s settled in my head I live here now. It’s because of that going back to Basingstoke in June is going to be the weirdest experience ever.  I’m determined to go back stronger, happier and try and make the most of the summer and who knows? I might even have an award in my suitcase. 

I’m not a fan of being alone

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Last Sunday I thought I might be going mad. I had spent 23 hours in my flat without seeing another human being, it was torture. Before I started uni I thought I liked being alone. I would sit in my room and crave that people would just stay out and let me do my thing, then I moved and I found I was alone a lot more than I liked. It’s not that I’m the most social person on the plant but my flat is pretty quiet, unlike other flats I know we’re not best friends. We do get one and there aren’t any major disagreements but we’re very much six individuals who live in the same flat and share a kitchen, that’s about it.

While I was at home this weekend a familiar sense of dread crept in, I’d be going back on Sunday night…an evening of being alone before seeing my friends again. Unlike most students I dread the weekend, there is no uni bus so if I want to see my Kingston Hill friends I need to walk to the station for a bus, most of my other friends either commute or work in shop jobs over the weekend so I spent quality time with myself. I find myself trying to sleep the weekend away because I get bored and frustrated. I don’t want to be surrounded by people but I would like to just have people around me if that makes sense? For reasons like when I’m feeling a bit low I can go and have a conversation and forget what’s on my mind. The other problem is that it gives me time to think and obsess, something I’m working with my mentor not to do, so I get upset and I try to call everyone I know so I won’t start overthinking…it doesn’t always work. Hopefully tomorrow will be ok because I’m getting back fairly late so I can get showered and go to bed.

This may seem like a bit of an odd blog post but I’ve heard the same thing from various friends of mine, especially if you live in a busy house as I do. You don’t miss constant interruptions but you don’t mind the background noise or your dog falling asleep on your feet. At the same time though I do like being able to wander around at 3am and not wake anyone up, so there are some bonus points. It is because of this I’m looking forward to September, Ali and I will be moving in together after  6 years. I’m planning on writing a long blog about it later on about house hunting and all that jazz but for now I’m just getting a little bit excited and a little bit nervous!

That’s enough for the day as I’m enjoying being home and have a few posts to publish that I haven’t already! Harry Potter studio tour tomorrow! I can’t wait to share thee pictures with you all!

The midweek crash

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There are three words on every students lips right now. I’m so tired. Followed by how is it only WEDNESDAY. It’s all I’ve heard this week, you still go out and get on with things but this odd haze seems to have come over all of us right now, the midweek crash is in full force. I’m actually finding myself wanting to nap in the the afternoon and stay up all night because even when I do stay up in an attempt to sleep through the night I wake up at 3am again. 

Some of my friends have started trying to get into routine in the week and start healthy eating…this was my reaction to their idea of sleep.

I don’t know what it is lately, maybe it’s because I’ve been more social than usual and not hibernating over the weekend.  There is one thing that can resolve this horrible feeling of tiredness, something until last month I didn’t understand. Drinking, every Wednesday and every Friday at the moment, student deals are a bugger. While the rest of my fellow students head to the local clubs and freeze their butts off queuing to get into overpriced places that smell of vomit and sweat I will be in the Student Union downing £2 doubles (come on £2?!? why would you go anywhere else) whilst enjoying some good live music, oh and performing…before the doubles that is.

So this is a kind of pointless blog post, possibly due to the lack of sleep…actually more than likely because of the lack of sleep (I was in bed at 10.30pm last night…yeah I was that tired). Tomorrow I’ll be attending another talk for the KUTalent team with Ade Adepitan (look him up he’s pretty awesome) as well as spending some time with Ali before heading home on Friday…maybe I’ll get some sleep there.

 

My first First!

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While a lot of people are taking their exams this month and still revising I have had an entirely different problem on my hands, trying to forget that I’m getting results back this month (and apparently next month too). For the Creative Writing and English Literature students out work was handed in mostly before Christmas and now we’re waiting to see if we passed. I checked my email this morning to find one from my seminar leader, I was pleasantly surprised to find that I have gotten 71%, a first!! If I’m honest with you I sat and had a little laugh to myself, it’s not secret that I don’t enjoy Creative Writing nearly as much as I do English. Needless to say I was in a pretty good mood today, even though it has brought on a few worries about how my English Literature assignment will come back! I celebrated tonight with some pizza with a few Creative Writing friends, Jess, Bekkie, Ollie and Rhys we even got a free book in our lecture this evening! So all in all it was a pretty good day.

 

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My beautiful photography skills everyone! 

 

So there you have it, first year may not ‘count’ but getting a first in something (even if it’s  something your not keen on) is an amazing feeling, maybe getting one in first year makes it even better! I worked really that assignment and it seems to have paid off. It’s not because I didn’t go out, I did just not in the traditional way. I’m hoping I can keep this up, although I’m not 100% sure my other assignments will come back this good. The fact that it was something I didn’t enjoy makes it better, I feel like I’m definitely a writer if I can write like that when I’m a tad miserable! So I’m going goff to bed now smiling and with my fingers crossed that it all continues.