Book Review:My Heart and Other Black Holes by Jasmine Warga

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“Depression is like a heaviness that you can’t ever escape. It crushes down on you, making even the smallest things like tying your shoes or chewing on toast seem like a twenty-mile hike uphill. Depression is a part of you; it’s in your bones and your blood.”

Because it’s Mental Health Awareness week I wanted to carry on the theme on my blog by writing a review of a book about what it’s like to live with depression. I’ve read a lot of these but there was something about Warga’s novel that really got to me, so much so I’ve recommended it to a lot of friends of mine.

Aysel isn’t a typical teenage girl, nor does she have a normal past. After her father committed a truly violent act that send shockwaves through her town she pulled away, her mother can barely look at her without being reminded of her father, the town stares and so Aysel finds comfort in the only thing can can, physics, but soon even that isn’t enough. She soon decides that this is where it all ends but she can’t do it alone. After searching for someone who won’t flake on a suicide pact she finds Roman, whose perfect life isn’t all it seems.

What I liked about this book is that suicide is not romanticised at all. Both characters really are at a point where they can’t see a way out of the misery of their situations and they don’t instantly like each other either. The thing with depression is when you meet someone else who is living through it there is a sense of understanding and that really comes through between the characters. They have nothing in common apart from their depression and that they want to die. It sounds incredibly sad, and it is, but there is also something incredible in the way they progress as friends.

I also found the situations that Warga put the characters in really interesting. Aysel’s father has committed a terrible crime and when we hear about such events in real life we instantly think of the victim and their family (and rightly so), but this made me wonder about the children of criminals. How the actions of their parents influences their lives. It’s not something I’ve encountered in YA literature before and I’d definitely love to read more on it.

This would be perfect for fans of John Green, those who liked All the Bright Places (I liked this more) and It’s Kind of a Funny Story it is a sad book but I think it’s a really important one in understanding why people want to commit suicide as I mentioned yesterday.

I gave this book four stars ****. This is an incredibly well written YA novel and deals with some incredibly tough issues in an amazing way. Warga has a true talent for YA literature and I can’t wait to read and review her next novel which according to Goodreads will be released next year!

Review by Chloe Metzger

Starting December right!

It’s been a pretty positive start to the week and now the month, just what I needed! There’s been some really shitty parts to this year, especially in the last few months so I’m determined to send 2015 off in a positive year and look forward to 2016…even if I am a little bit terrified of it! I wasn’t feeling particularly great about today, I was anxious about my gym class because of the pain I’ve been having but it turns out I didn’t need to be. That said I was already in a good mood from last night after having a long and lovely Skype conversation with Eleanor, it’s hard with her being all the way in New Zealand but we’re making it work.

Of course today is December 1st (I know, how is it December already?!?) so it’s advent calender time but since I haven’t been back home in a while I had no advent calendar this morning…the first time since I was 1. Luckily Mum text me a picture this morning of a maltesers advent calendar all for me, yay! I also picked up Star Wars ones for me and Ali too because IT’S FINALLY STAR WARS MONTH AND MY TICKETS ARE BOOKED, AHHHHHH.

As always I trekked to the hospital for 9am *sob* for my morning gym recovery class. I’d had a rough week last week so I was lucky I could talk to Mum before going and try and get in a good mindset before going in, got mistaken for a student nurse (I wish!) and got told that ‘surely I still have time to grow’ after I complained I was so tiny… the people in the class thought I was in my teens. Of course the real reason I was nervous was pain but I tackled all the machines, including a new one, and I kicked butt! There is no better feeling for me at the moment than coming home covered in sweat and knowing I’ve worked hard to get better, even if I do pay for it later. Oh and because my physio instructor for the gym is amazing I got given a sticker because I worked so hard…being the youngest has its perks!

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Another really amazing thing is that as I’ve mentioned before I’ve struggled with the fact I’ve put on weight because of the accident and recovery, as well as the implications of my medication. As I wrote before I won’t mention numbers on here but I can confirm my healthier eating habits and gradually building up movement is working I’m finally losing the weight I gained!! I’m really proud of myself for doing something healthy and my strength in will power!

I ended a good day with a great evening at The Fighting Cocks with Ali, Charlotte, Rhys and later Joe. I got to play in the quiz, laugh a lot, get drawn on and just get out of the house with no expectation to get drunk which was really nice. It also helps that whenever me and Charlotte hang out we can’t stop laughing.

I’m stupidly excited about this start to December and I hope more than anything it carries on!

This is my body

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I’ve been thinking about my body a lot lately. Over the last 7 months I’ve seen it change and adapt so that it can heal, I’ve felt it slow down and been crippled by pain, I’ve seen it expand in the mirror. To say that I’ve been upset about it would be an understatement, combined it wrecked my confidence. How could I be seen with my stunning friends when my skin was marked by the way it had to stretch? How could I pretend to not see when guys would look at them and look past me being the chubby one. It made me angry because I never used to care so why did I now?

Tomorrow I start the gym for my physio sessions, which is a huge part of my recovery. It’s taken 7 long months of small stretches and exercises, acupuncture and pain. While watching Caitlin Moran last night (this is the video that inspired me) I had a realisation. While she stood up and showed her stomach off to the huge crowd and just went this is me I had a feeling burst inside me. She doesn’t give a shit, so why should I? Why should I get teary because I put on weight while my body was you know putting one of the most important bones in my body back together.

So here is the scary bit…this is my belly, something that caused me a lot of upset over the years…

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There you go, that’s it my tum after a lot of healing. I don’t know, looking at it why I get so freaked out and angry at myself. I look at these pictures and think to myself I really like my curves and it’s just what it is. I’m not going into that gym to boast on Instagram and Twitter about how healthy I am, about my fabulous weight loss (if that happens). I’m going to the gym to continue to fix my body after trauma, to build muscle back where it’s gone. If I lose some fat, that’s fine but I’ve decided that it’s no longer my aim.

I don’t want to get into that dangerous territory where I start getting controlling over what I eat again. I know how dangerous that can be especially when you’re already trying to get through depression because you start hating and taking out your sadness on your body. Been there, done that.

I’m fully aware that this post might get some negative responses, that I’m fat, I’m ugly. Whatever. If this makes one person feel better about their body, male or female, then I’m pleased I wrote this. I’m going to try my hardest not to let my body let me down yes I’m bigger than I was and covered in stretch makes but you know what putting a spine back together makes my body pretty cool.

This is my body and I’m proud of it, fuck what anyone else thinks and I hope you can feel that way too.

One of my best friends is getting married!!!

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This weekend I got the amazing news that my best friend is going to be getting married!! Yes, my fellow long term relationship friend got proposed to this weekend. Amy and Peter are a truly brilliant couple and I have been doing nothing but smiling since I got the message and started screaming and laughing with excitement in the middle of Wimbledon station with Daniela…I’m pretty sure people thought we were having some kind of break down.

When your best friend gets engaged a lot of people tell you that you’ll have this wave of jealousy, this ‘why isn’t it me’ reaction but I can honestly say I haven’t. My smile has been as wide as it’s ever been and as soon as I could I went to buy an engagement card, started thinking of things I could get them as wedding gifts and any way that I could possibly help Amy.

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I can’t wait to celebrate with these two (sorry for pinching your picture Peter), who truly are meant for each other and have given childhood sweethearts another happy ending. Now let the celebrations, crazy planning and good times continue, I can’t wait to see them say ‘I do’.

Congratulations Amy and Peter!!!!

Isn’t Inside Out incredible?!

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Tonight I finally caught up (you know, 4 months late) with the phenomenal Inside Out. I’ve had friends raving about it for months but I had really limited money over the summer so a trip to the cinema was out of the question. I absolutely love this movie, it’s absolutely fantastic and all the characters are just brilliantly written, I don’t know anyone would couldn’t relate to at least one of them.

For me I feel like there is a big battle between the Sadness and Joy in my head, especially when I’m stressed, oh and you know Anger and Disgust are best buds for me. Fear is around too. Now I bet you’re reading this and thinking she’s lost it, she’s finally lost it. While I don’t think there are little people in my brain controlling what I think, say and do, I’ve never seeing something that I just got so much. It’s a really sweet film and great for kids to learn and understand…although I’d definitely love to see a sequel when she’s a teenager. Because you know then all the emotions would just freak out and everyone who’s been through it would just nod along and remember the emotional freak out.

It might be a strange thing to write about but I have so much love for this movie and wish I’d seen it sooner. It was just what I needed after a slightly stressful evening 🙂

Date Night, Live Music, and the New York Times

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Today and yesterday have been a whirlwind of crazy. A lot of exciting things have been happening in the past week as well as having to deal with a lot of stressful situations…I think today was just very weird.

Last night I got to finally take a trip to Bush Hall where Ali works part time as a Sound Engineer. I had no idea how special this place was on the walls there are pictures of Amy Winehouse, Courtney Love, Panic at the Disco, Paul Weller, Adele, Duffy, Ed Sheeran, Florence and the Machine, Lily Allen and The Killers to name just a few. It makes me incredibly proud that Ali works there. We got tickets to see a band called Little May, they are from Australia and I think they’re definitely one to watch, I also fell in love with a singer called Gordie, another one I’ll be watching closely.

I love spending time doing things with Ali, we both get so busy that when we’re back at the we just kind of fall into a chair and talk across the room, or just lay in bed and watch TV together. We have a lot planned together in the next month or so, it’s going to be great to actually do couples things. Which started with a trip to Nandos, as you do.

So that was the awesome part, now on to the weird. I received a tweet this morning saying that I’d been quoted in the New York Times… yep! I didn’t get contacted about it so it was a total surprise, you can read it here.

So it’s been a crazy few days! I have a lot planned for the rest of the week too, obviously Thursdays book review and my first society social, Friday I’m going to be at a show so I’ll be putting up another post, Saturday I’m working and then I might actually get to relax and rest on Sunday. Phew. As always thank you so much for reading and to my great followers!

10 Reasons to Keep Smiling

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We all have days where we need a little pick me up, sometimes for no reason. I decided to write 10 reasons to keep smiling, even if it’s the last thing you feel like doing. The days are getting shorter and I for one know I have had a bit of  rough time lately so I hope you enjoy!

1. Smile at others 

This really does make you feel better! I usually like smiling at old people because you just see their whole face light up and it makes me feel good as well as them! Just one smile can change another persons whole day as well as yours!

2. Do something you love 

We all have loves, hobbies or just little things we enjoy doing. Since I’ve had to give up horse riding (which is really, really hard but not worth the risk to my health) I’ve had to find other things to do to unwind. Now I’ve started to write and draw more.

3. Be around people who make you feel good 

There is nothing worse than being around people who put you down or make you miserable. If your having an off day then staying away is a must! Stick around the people who make you smile just from their company and you’ll feel much better.

4. Write a list 

Write a list of things you need to do, things you’ve done, anything! If your struggling breaking it down can make you go ‘oh okay that isn’t as bad’. If you’re feeling happy anyway why not write a list of things you enjoy, places you want to visit etc (my top tip write in funky colours!).  If I’m really down I try and write down things to be grateful for.

5. Think of 5 things you are grateful you have 

I used to do this on the way to school to cheer myself up, it would make me focus on the positives in my life and then the negatives didn’t seem so bad at all. There are really simple thing to be grateful for for me they’re things like having a family to love and support me, that I can make music, that I have my education and a strong and solid relationship.

6. Comfort food IS OK!!!! 

I hate fad diets, if you want to eat then go eat. I can’t stand people talking to me about calories or trying to make me feel bad. Don’t let others dictate to you what you should eat if I want to go to McDonalds or get some chocolate I will, regardless of anyone else!

7. Turn the music up and dance like nobody can see you 

This is great especially when your cleaning just dance around like your bonkers and make yourself laugh. I like doing this with my sister when we agree on music 🙂

8. Give someone a hug 

Hugs are great, I love hugs.

9. Read a good book 🙂 

Oh come on could I really leave this out?! Reading just takes me away to an entirely different place.

10. Laughter is really the best medicine

I will watch funny Youtube video, stand up comedy and movies. That or I’ll be around people I know I love to laugh with.

Laugh lots. Laugh while you love. Laugh while you live.  

What are your reasons to keep smiling?

Something a little different – sharing some poetry

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I wanted to share something a little different with you all today. I’ve been thinking of ways to make the blog a little more interesting and I have a lot of blogs planned out for you all! For today I’d like to share one of my poems I wrote a few years ago!

Heartbreak

I am falling apart

Pieces and pieces of this tough old heart

I know again that it will start

I will move on but for now I need to mend a broken, broken heart.

As always let me know what you think 🙂

Turning 21 – What a birthday!

I’m writing this on what is the last night I am celebrating turning 21! It’s been a great few weeks, kicking off with my trip to Amsterdam earlier this month with the girls, followed by a celebration with my Dad’s side of the family Tuesday, seeing Lucy and my baby girl Lexi in the day on Wednesday and my Little Mermaid themed party with my Mum’s side of the family in the afternoon evening.

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Thursday was pretty average for birthday week with band practice and waiting up with Ali to see in my 21st birthday and finally getting my Ron Pop figure! I woke up to hugs, a load of Facebook messages and texts, to get ready for my Mum coming. I always need to see my parents on my birthday, it’s like you know they’re responsible for me being in the world at all so it’s only right that I see them. For my first present I received a special hardback anniversary edition of To Kill a Mockingbird, one of my favourite books.

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We headed into town for some shopping and of course a cocktail, where I also got a free shot for my birthday! After I had to go and get my fox onesie I’d had my eyes on for a week so that I could spend my hangover day in style… I knew I’d have a messy night out, before being met by Ali….with more Pops! Dumbledore and Snape!! I was also met by Joe later with a copy of Y the last man (you should totally check it out) and an incredible colouring book. I really couldn’t wait to meet up with Dad and Summer too 🙂

When they finally got here after my sister was let out of school I was met with this beauty..

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Yup, this was handmade by my sister as my birthday cake. I got some amazing presents, a Pandora ring I’ve wanted for ages, a new Dolphin charm, mug, wine glass (for vodka, obviously) and I got taken out to dinner with my family, Ali and Joe came along too (with Kermit). I love my family so much and just being with them on my birthday was so special and I think we have a new family picture too!

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I’ve had cards from so many people too, including Eleanor and Maisha in New Zealand! My family, Ali’s family, friends, nearly 100 messages on Facebook and then I got a huge surprise when I went to the pub. I couldn’t believe that over 20 people turned up to celebrate with me, friends from all across my life and I was so overwhelmed by it all. I even got more gifts! A Voldemort Pop from Ben and Abbie, a Jessica Rabbit Pop from Laura (because she looks like me!), a lovely quote to go on my wall and earrings from Dani, a book of positive quotes from Aline and Lush stuff from Amy and Peter. I think you can tell from my smile in the pictures how happy I was.

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And those are just some of the pictures! I just felt so loved all day and it’s something I’ll cherish forever. I also felt loved when Ali took me home and put me in my fox onesie before letting me sleep off the mound of drinks that people had bought me! Luckily for me I also woke up with only a slight headache. Win!

Today was the last part of my celebrations as Ali’s Sister, Mum, her boyfriend came for lunch, bringing with them more presents. From Ali’s Mum and her boyfriend I received a MAC ‘look in a box’ with a lipstick, lip gloss and liner and from Ali’s sister a beautiful copy of Alice in Wonderland, a beautiful novel I’ve never had the chance to read.

I’m a little sad that it’s all over now but I have this overwhelming love and feeling of awe at how many people took time out of their day to say happy birthday, send a message, see me or anything else. Thank you to each and every one of you, I think this has to have been the best birthday ever. Who knows what this year is going to bring but I really, really hope this is the start of another great chapter, oh and to top it off I now have over 1000 Twitter followers, another goal accomplished!

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Me, now 21. 

Happy Birthday Dad!

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Today is my Dad’s 43rd Birthday so I wanted to write this post about him. After waking up before 9am on a Saturday (totally against my way of life, weekends are for sleeping half the day and staying up all night) I’m pleased to say that the Chelsea FC swimming trunks went down a treat and so did my sisters choctastic cake (with M&Ms, Maltesers and Chocolate Fingers, what else could you want at 8.30am).

I just wanted to write this post to say happy birthday to my Daddy who I love very much and who taught me that being the headstrong little kid I was wasn’t a bad thing and nor was learning to stand up for myself. I love you Daddy ❤

P.S, You were right, acting like a girl isn’t always as awful as I thought it was.