Remembering the good.

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If you haven’t guessed already I love pictures like the one above. I love words and slogans and nice backgrounds. I guess it’s because sometimes I don’t have the image that says what I want to say or sometimes I don’t have the words to say how I feel. It’s because of that I use Pinterest a lot because sometimes the words I need are already there. I don’t use the quote I picked today because I think I’m this brave, strong person. I’ve always said I’ve simply got on with my life the best I can.

I’ve thought a lot about the accident in the past few days, about my spine. This isn’t because I’ve had a lot of time on my hands, more because I’ve been in pain again and there’s nothing more frustrating. When my doctors say the scans look normal and my physio says there’s not much he can do and yet I’m still in pain a lot of the time. When I’m in the awkward part where I still can’t walk too far or stand up for long periods of time and have to explain that I’m recovering from a spine injury. When I have to call venues and explain why I need a seat and they have to decide if I’m ‘disabled enough’, because I’m not officially registered as disabled but at the same time I’m still struggling so much. Don’t get me wrong I do not want another label at all, but sometimes it’s what other people want so I can get the help I need at concert venues for example.

So while I was feeling pretty down about this yesterday, I had a conversation with Ali about how I was feeling and why. He reminded me that while the accident was shitty, awful and did change a lot of my life, a lot of positives came out of it too. I was reminded of these again when I went to see Joe tonight.

  • I’ve got a new appreciation for my body when it’s healthy
  • I’ve gotten better at taking me time and not doing things I don’t want to do
  • I’ve learnt a lot about friendship
  • I’ve got a much better relationship with food, portion sizes and exercise
  • I met Alice, who has come to be a great friend and support to me, I would never have set foot in a gym if it wasn’t for the accident
  • My relationships gotten stronger
  • I have a new sense of understanding when it comes to physical disabilities
  • I got a job I love that I might not have applied for if I hadn’t been spending so much time online when I couldn’t move
  • I got a lot of reading done
  • As a result of the reading I finally embraced feminism and found a new passion

There’s a lot there and I think, as with anything that changes your life when you don’t expect it, there’s a lot to deal with. Sometimes I forget all the positives because I’m just having a down day, that’s all. I worried about writing tonight’s blog because I have had people in the past saying I think too much about my spine, that it takes over my life. Then I shook the thought off because of COURSE breaking your spine is going to have a huge impact on your life, it changes everything for at least the first year – two years after it happens. I no longer care about the ignorant or negative people who don’t try and understand or make throwaway comments because my spine and how I handle it is a part of my life. The good, the bad and the ugly.

Handling Rejection

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As with anyone, I hoped that when I applied for the graduate job I really wanted, I’d get good news and be heading to an interview. The day I started getting sick I got bad news, I’d been rejected for the position and wasn’t even getting a phone interview. I didn’t just cry, I sobbed my heart out. I’d been thinking about that job non stop for months, it just seemed like a good move for me and something I really wanted. I was always going to write about it, because this is a part of student life, we all have to deal with rejection.

I’ve never been one to handle anything associated with failure well because I am a perfectionist. I need everything to be handled and right and I just need to get things done and because I always put 110% into everything I do and when I don’t achieve I do get anxious and stressed. I feel like I let myself down and I get incredibly angry with myself and list things I need to do better next time. In some ways that’s good, but other people remind me I’m too hard on myself. It’s just a job and there will be other opportunities but it doesn’t always feel like that.

I know that right now a lot of us students are going to be getting rejection emails and sometimes it just knocks you off track. I’ve been having a bit of a meltdown, made worse by being ill, not knowing what I’m going to do after I graduate, what I want to do and what I want in the bigger picture. From what I’ve worked out a lot of students feel like that right now and it’s normal.

I’m trying to take the advice of the people around me, that it wasn’t meant to happen and they’re the ones missing out. Ali sat down the night of the rejection and just listed all the amazing things I’ve done and what I’d put in the application and that they missed out. I’m hoping this is true, it didn’t make the rejection hurt any less, but I’ll find something eventually.

 

Passion and finding a job

 

As a third year student who graduates soon the question of ‘What are you going to DO?’ is cropping up more and more. I know I’m not the only one who wants to stuff their fingers in their ears and just shout la la la I can’t hear you while running away.

I love Ted Talks because I learn a lot and I realise a lot while watching them. I had a conversation with a friend recently about not knowing what to do after uni and not having one true calling. I’ve said before that I would like to do a Masters degree and a PhD but I know that this might change. I also know that there is a chance I might change my mind, a chance that I won’t get funding (which means it would take 4-6 years part time). There are a lot of things that could happen.

So while I have been applying for a graduate job (!!), looking at the kind of jobs available and thinking about what I want to do. So, I watched this Ted Talk because it looked interesting and I liked what she said. About just taking jobs that seem interesting and see where they go, that’s what I’ve done with my past 2 jobs and I’ve loved them. I’ve seen people doing the job and just like her thought ‘I could do that’ and my passion just grew and grew from there. All because I didn’t wait for this big show and dance of outright passion.

Don’t get me wrong I’m still going to freak out at times, I’m 21 and graduating. There’s a lot of pressure but I’m hoping I can keep this in mind and maybe you can too.

My other blog!

I’ve mentioned quite a few times about writing for my Social Media Coordinator role so I thought I’d let you all have a look at what I do! Visit https://blogs.kingston.ac.uk/careers/ for my latest post on Bonnie Greer and Stephen K Amos who visited the university last month and my other pieces!

Milestones

I’ve been thinking lately about milestones. I don’t know what it was exactly but I’m guessing it’s a combination of turning 21 (which I don’t understand why it’s a big deal in the UK), seeing more and more of the people I went to school with having children and getting engaged and a lot of my other friends graduating, starting careers and all that jazz. To put it simply milestones freak me out, I’m sure they do for most people. You’re supposed to do this, do that at a certain age, a certain time. For girls there’s a choice between being a mother and being a career woman, because we’re told we can’t have it all.

In some ways I’m lucky, I found the love of my life when I was 13 years old and we live together. Now we’re more than happy together, we’re both doing degrees we love and have careers that we want, but for everyone else it’s not enough. Everyone asks me when we’ll get married, when we’ll have a baby (never if). I just feel a bit stuck and part of that is because I am a woman. Ali NEVER gets asked when he’ll be a father, he’s asked about his job and what he’s going to do for work, it’s all pretty frustrating. I know that I’m an intelligent woman and I have big aspirations, so why do people ask about these ‘traditional’ things.

I’m in no way saying that people my age shouldn’t be married or have children, most of the women in my family had babies by the time they were my age and they’ve all taught me so much. My best friend became a mother at 17 and she’s one of the most awesome ones I know.The thing is my dream right now is walking across that stage to pick up my degree, being able to treat myself with money I’ve earnt and being happy. I will have children, I’d love to be a mum at some point but I wish people would understand there is so much more to me than the fact I can grow a human. I liked this picture below, it definitely made me smile.

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This isn’t an anti-children post, which is how some will read it, it’s just a frustration that sometimes I’m judged by these milestones when I have other amazing things going on. I hate that I have to think about body clocks and all that crap when I’m trying to plan things out about where I want to be in my life, because I’ve been bombarded with media listing risks and problems. Like I said why am I even thinking about this as a twenty year old!

I appreciate that this post might not make much sense, I don’t even know if it does to me, but I can’t be the only one who feels like this. Who knows how I’ll feel in a month, a year or ten but I just want it to be on my own terms, not because of supposed milestones and other people’s ideas of what happiness is.

I’m meltinggggggg

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Now I may not be the Wicked Witch, although damn I wish I could be every night in Wicked, but I’m pretty sure I’m melting right now. I know, I know, how British of me a few days and I’m complaining. BUT! I am not someone who wishes for extreme heat, the only time I can hack it is when I’ve paid to go to another country and have access to a pool and preferably some juicy cocktails. Even in that situation I need to be able to sit under some shade.

This morning saw me putting on factor 30 in an effort to keep myself from turning lobster red. All hail the pale kids, we are the warriors in this fight, the sun is definitely not our friend.  My friend phil has decided all he wants for christmas is some melanin …maybe I should put that on my list too. While I love warm weather, enough to go out in jeans and a t-shirt, maybe a cheeky pair of shorts this is more like walking into a sauna complete with lots of nipples in the street (seriously guys put. them. away. I don’t need to see your man nips).

Luckily I found some happiness in the beautifully air conditioned rooms at uni whilst working today. All in all though it’s been a pretty awesome day, despite the heat. I got to do some amazing work for the uni, get some questions answered about dissertation, have a gorgeous frappachino with the amazing Mr Phil Brookes (who also saved me from not having any tea this morning, what.a.babe.), go book shopping again *cough* book haul *cough* and have a catch up with Joe which always makes me smile.

So I’m afraid that is as much creative juice as I can give right now, my brain is turning to mush and my bed is calling me! BUT as always I love to hear from you guys so drop me a comment below with how you’re coping with the heat where you are! And coming up tomorrow a review of Caitlin Moran’s How to be a Woman.

A quarter life crisis (five years early) – growing up, meltdowns and questions.

Sometimes I am sure that I’m actually still a sixteen year old trapped in a twenty year olds body. It’s my annual crisis, you know the one I mean don’t you? The whole, what am I doing with my life, am I behind? Look at what my friends are doing while I’m stuck at home. Yup all that came today. I’ve said it once I’ll say it again, the pictures of people’s kids, engagement rings and weddings make me break out into a cold sweat, I don’t feel ready for this stuff!

I get so worried about what I should be doing that I freak out. Never mind the fact that I’m not keen on having a small person around right now, would probably burst out laughing if I got proposed to and am too broke/ addicted to expensive things to get married. Yup, that pile of books get in my amazon cart, a sale on handbags well it would be rude not to look and as for Topshop? Well I’m like a bloody magpie.

So I sat this afternoon, like many hormonal girls before me, in my PJs, my hair atrocious with chocolate in one hand and a coming of age book in the other (book of choice this time Caitlin Moran’s How to be a Woman) sobbing my little heart out. I had a bit of a fit at Ali, locked myself in the bedroom and let it all out. I cried because I don’t feel like a grown up, I have no idea whatsoever about grown up things like marriage and mortgages and I don’t have a life plan. Yup, yup, yup feeling sorry for myself and a little bit of self indulgence.

I get told that it’s perfectly normal to have days where you completely lose your shit and feel like a child again. There are days when I want to crawl up into my Mum’s lap and let her tell me it’s going to be ok. Well, nowadays I have to settle with cuddling up to Ali while he does the same thing and assures me that doing badly on that one assignment will not balls up my entire life or a phone call to my Mum about what job I’m going to go into.

You can probably guess that I’ve calmed down now, had some good old comfort food and vented to my Mum. I guess I’m writing because it should be something we can talk to each other about, all us 20 somethings who really feel like everyone else has their shit together and you’re clutching at straws. So I’m allowed to feel a little lost and scared that two of my best friends are moving across the world and another is getting a real proper job with proper (not student loan) money. I’m allowed to get a little freaked out that it’s my last year of undergrad and the next few years are going to be grown up and scary because, well, that’s what you’re 20s are for right?

So I’m sorry to everyone who’s waiting for any big announcements from me, I’m still in Little Mermaid Pjs (thank you Primark) and working out how to be a woman in the first place. Basically, I’m just being a 20 year old student who doesn’t have a clue.

Waiting pays off! My good news!

Hello to all my lovely followers, to start off with today has been a little bit crazy and fast paced and I’m absolutely shattered as I write this. I’m laying in bed at my Basingstoke home with the stupidest grin on my face. All that I’ve been posting about trying to stay positive and not get too low? Well it’s worked because I’ve had great news today!

I have been missing uni lately, missing the structure, learning, having societies to go to. It’s because even though I wouldn’t have been able to go to class, I would have had something to think about, work on rather than my brain going around and around. Really I needed a new challenge, which I have been setting myself. I’ve settled into writing habits, been packing for the trip to Athens and trying to establish some sort of routine around my back, which is harder than it sounds.

Today marks 5 weeks since my accident and by complete surprise I finally got my back brace! My Physio is an angel, and absolute angel and so are the rest of the team. Thanks to them I’ve had a lot less pain after they thought waiting another 2 weeks for my brace to be fitted would be ridiculous. They’d had training themselves so simply went up, got the brace and got me fitted (took 3 members of the very smiley team). I’d been so nervous about physio but I laughed so much and although it was painful I’m so looking forward to getting better now.

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People do stare when I wear it, at first I didn’t care I was just so happy and felt so much more protected. My nerves got a bit worse walking though town when people stared but for the most part I was just so, so happy that I finally had my brace and I have things to look forward to. Already today was going better than yesterday and most of the day before. Even though it was pouring down outside it was like I just had this little sunshine following me around that let me forget about everything else for a little bit.

I logged onto my laptop with a few things to do between packing and had a lot of free time to kill (or so I thought) until an email flashed up. I saw that it was about the internship position I’d gone for an interview for, I thought I hadn’t got it. Well how wrong was I! I’ve been offered one of my dream internships!! I’m now a Social Media Coordinator! I get to handle our social media, go to events and live tweet, it’s all so exciting! I’m flying with happiness about it all after thinking I wouldn’t get it at all!

So I got down to the office in the pouring rain as quickly as my spine would let me. Everyone was lovely and welcoming. I felt instantly comfortable in the new office and will be issues with my staff email and such when I start after I come back from my trip to Athens! I’m recognised as staff now!

I’ve got so much to look forward to now that I can relax a little about not getting the grade I wanted and buying a bigger pair of shorts, because you know what? Right now I feel pretty damn awesome.

Back to work

Today I went back to real employment after quite a bit break today. To say I was nervous this morning is an understatement. I will be working at Paperchase for the next two weeks, reprising what used to be Ali’s job. Last Christmas Ali got the job and I won’t lie I was jealous, everyone seemed so nice and although it was busy he seemed happy whenever he was there. So when I got offered an interview this year (while Ali stays behind in London for a bit), I jumped at the chance and was offered the job. 

Today was odd, I’d forgotten about inductions and health and safety procedures and all that. So after a lot of paper work and a walk around the shop I got to work. I’m going to be doing stock and customer service stuff but today was getting into things slowly by ticketing. I have another shift tomorrow but I have no idea what I’m doing. 

I can feel my posts getting sorter and I’m not ok with that. I want to give you guys all the info about uni life but not everything is exciting. So in 2014 I’m going to try and do more for you guys, I might even start the vlogs again…maybe. 

I think I want to be a Journalist

It seems to me lately that everyone knows what they want to do when they leave Uni, vaguely at least. I on the other hand am one of those people who have no idea what so ever what they want to do…until today at least. Most people in Creative Writing were not impressed with the whole idea of a journalism lecture, I on the other hand was intrigued. I genuinely wondered what they could teach us in Creative Writing. 

Overall I agreed with what the lecturer said, other elements not so much. I will say though that it was the most enthusiastic I have felt in a Creative Writing lecture for quite a while now. I found something I was genuinely interested in. I’ll admit it wasn’t a sudden epiphany I’ve been toying with the idea of going into journalism for quite a while now but while I’m so close to London, why not?   

Who knows if this is something I’ll still want to do by the end of my degree? I might completely change my mind and want to go into teaching again or I might do a law conversion. I think the thing with uni is that I can try new things and not have to completely make my mind up just yet.