Tag: depression

Back in the saddle

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Three days after my fall and I decided I needed to be back around the horses. Crazy? Nah, it’s just what horse riders do. For most after any injury, big or small, one of the first questions is ‘when can I ride again?’. Although I spend a lot of yesterday waddling around and I’m pretty sure I’m paying for going out today I’m pleased I did. There is nothing like getting on a horse.

I’m not going to lie and say I was completely fine and dandy climbing on while I was still in a fair bit of pain but I needed to get back on to prove to myself. Rose was an angel again today, lots of cuddles and happy ears. For a while I was just sitting and watching while Laura (who is doing THE most amazing job with Rose) started jumping Rose, who’s coming on so much at the moment. After almost every jump Rose would be satisfied by her pat by Laura and then walk over to me for more fuss.

Then I got on. She’d been so good, I had a back protector to borrow, I can’t put it into words this driving force to get on and prove to myself. So I was back on, on a lead rope at first while I relaxed and felt comfortable again, then a walk and small trot. Then I came off the lead rope thinking oh god, this is where I might fall again if she gets excited…except she wouldn’t move. Maybe she could tell I was ok just as we were. I’m feeling better now, and proud of myself for getting back on. Hopefully back to regular lessons soon will get rid of any doubt and remind me of the last 6 months of, you know, not falling off.

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Back on!!! 

I have to say being around animals again has really been crushing my lows and it’s making me so excited. I don’t know its something about animals that keep me calm or are able to cheer me up when I’m feeling down 🙂

It’s not just escaping

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I’ve been back from Durham for a few hours now, I’m sitting at my laptop willing for something to jump onto the page. I have a few more quotes, a plan of ideas but they won’t go into words, into the essay that I’m so desperate to finish. It’s taken a few hours to start to get anxious about what’s coming, I have assignments to do, gigs to organise, work, blog and all these things. I need to stop and breathe.

I’ve written before about being tired, and that’s partly to blame for my stressed out mood right now. I don’t know why but getting away has always made me relax, made sure that I could think straight. I’m not going to lie to you all and say yep as soon as I get away I’m fine and happy and don’t get worried, I do. For the first day and a half in Durham I had this horrible twisting ball of anxiety inside me, for the whole of the first evening Ali’s Gran kept asking if I was feeling ok. I wanted to be perfectly ok and normal, maybe I was trying too hard. I just wanted everyone to like me, to make a good impression again. It did work, Ali’s family were all lovely and kind and treated me like I belonged, so the feelings went away.

I guess I’m writing this to say that I worked out a long time ago, you can’t just run away from the things that are hard but sometimes a little distance from the things worrying you is a good start.I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, it’s all ups and downs. For now I think I should take myself off to bed for the night, I have another long drive tomorrow.

Tired.

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Tired. It’s a little word. A lack of sleep can change me into a totally different person. I’m not saying just a little cranky or more forgetful (although both happen), one of the worst things for my depression is me being tired, everything gets darker, even the littlest things get harder. I can’t do things that I normally would be able to on a low day.

Why am I writing this? Because I know a lot of you are the same. Depression and anxiety makes you tired to start with, honestly it is exhausting and it took me a long time to accept that I was allowed to be tired by it. Physically and mentally sometimes even going through the motions are too much. The people around me can normally tell, as soon as I’m quiet it’s like something in my cracks and then the dam breaks and everything I’m nervous, anxious, scared about builds up in me until I feel like I’m going to burst. And I have to find a way to get it out.

I’m writing because it’s ok, you have the flu and you’re still tired after people are like oh it’s ok you’re wiped out, you have an extreme low and then are still feeling crappy after a few days a lot of people tell you to ‘get over it’. Right now I’m exhausted so I feel really up and down and all over the place. Ali knows, he picked up on me being grumpy pretty quickly but somehow knew I needed a cuddle.

I won’t sleep for a while yet, I’m exhausted but not tired. It makes no sense I know, or maybe to some of you it does. Either way I wanted to keep you updated and let you know how I’m plodding along.

Speak soon

My Big Mouth: Stigma needs to stop!

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You can’t fail to have noticed the coverage over the last few days about the terrible end to the Germanwings flight, with reports stating that the co pilot deliberately crashed the plane to attempt suicide. This is a terrible tragedy with so many lives lost, however, that is not what has chilled me the most.

The pilot, it is reported, had mental health issues. I am not in any way justifying what he did by killing all those people who did not want or deserve to die, but if he was this depressed who knows what was going through his head. With this in mind I need to stress that the British media in particular are handling this information in a disgusting and shocking way. With papers calling him a ‘mad man’ and asking questions such as ‘why was he allowed to fly?’ many mental health sufferers will have felt a familiar sense of dread.

It’s easy, when people are angry, to have knee jerk reactions but when almost all of the press are taking the same angle it is terrifying. I know that in this country in the next few weeks anyone who declares a mental health problem is going to be scrutinised more now, due to the way in which this has been handled by the media. It’s a terrible case and I don’t think we’ll ever know why he did what he did. Like everyone else I am shocked and angry that he took all of those other people with him, including children.

I do have something to say though. I have mental health issues, I write about them each and every day. Events like this fill me with fear because of how other people judge people with mental health problems. While most people understand that we are just like anybody else, others can’t seem to grasp the concept that we are just like everybody else!!!! I’ve had depression for more than a quarter of my life now and guess what? I don’t want to hurt anyone, I don’t want to be violent towards anyone and if I ever feel angry or anything like that I am the one I direct it to. Yes I might snap at people if I’m angry but this idea that people with mental health issues (that’s around 1 in 4 of us by the way) want to attack and hurt others is wrong and so, so rare. We are not going to get anywhere as a society until we start trying to stamp out this stigma! With the press saying ‘mad man’ and such we’re moving backwards.

I have to say though, the amount of people who have come forward to say that they are depressed and still working, still strong has been incredible to see. The BBC I can do nothing but applaud for their coverage of the crash, and now investigation. We cannot let one individual shape a quarter of our society! I for one won’t let that happen. So many incredible people I know have or have had a mental health issue, but they’re getting there. It might take a little longer or a different route but the world wouldn’t be what it is today if everyone with an issue was locked away and forbidden to work.

People are only going to be scared of mental health while they live in ignorance, education really is the key here.

And the winner is…me!

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I’m writing this with the biggest, stupidest grin on my face. I won!!!!!!! I cannot believe it but I won! I am this years winner of the Overcoming Adversity to Achieve award ahhhhh! I’m still half in disbelief, even though it’s right next to me as I type this (and looked pretty damn good in the flat if I say so myself!).

I honestly thought that the amount of inspiring people who were up for that award that I was going home empty handed and I was fine with that, they were all so amazing I was shocked that I had even been shortlisted with them. One of the best parts of  the evening though was sitting with SIR TREVOR MCDONALD of all people on my table and having a long conversation with him about literature, music, the world in general and the new TV show he has coming up. He even mentioned me in his speech and before announcing I was a winner said that he really thought I deserved it. He is truly one of the most wonderful men I have ever met.

Everyone was so welcoming and so proud I won, hugs and congratulations all evening! Some of the people tonight I am proud to be at university with and proud to be at Kingston itself, a place I will always love. I’m struggling to write this because it’s all still sinking in and its so incredible.

Thank you to everyone who helped me along the way. I’ve come so far from what I was and I’m so proud of myself for making the changes and making myself face up to them. I couldn’t list every single person but you all know who you are, I love you so,so much. Winning this has made me even more determined to keep working on mental health, to keep helping others.

Don’t give up guys! I never thought this could happen for me! ❤

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Lookin’ good

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I’ve been horse riding for 5 months now, every week that I possibly could. I think it’s gotten to a point that riding has become a part of me, which amuses my friends to no end. Something interesting happened tonight, one of my bosses and one of my lecturers commented on how well I look in myself this year and I’d like to think that horse riding has been a big part of that.

Now I’m not going to use this post to become a fitness bunny. You’re still more likely to find me curled up with a cup of tea rather than going for a jog. I still hate running with a passion, and my knees aren’t keen on it either. This year though, as well as being happier in general, I’ve started to actually try some fitness. I ride every Wednesday and I’m currently swimming as many Sundays as possible, in the summer the Wednesdays I can’t ride I’m hoping to swim instead.

I’m not doing this for the way I look, it’s crossed my mind occasionally but that’s usually after I look in the mirror and notice I’m a little bit more toned than I used to be. It’s strange for me to find excercise I love, at school it was my worst nightmare unless we were doing flips and things in the gym. Now I can’t wait to get that release from riding or swimming, although I remember wanting to bite anyone who said exercise will help depression, it will but you have to be well enough to get to that stage first.

Riding and swimming have become a huge part of my life now and they make me feel good about myself. I’m not a size 6, I don’t want to be. I’m not doing this to get rid of my curves or look like an Olympian that doesn’t even come to it, I just want to feel good.

Right now, however, I am aching from the most intense ride ever. I’m finally off the lunge and riding on my own! I think I’m going to go off and crawl into my bed!

One day at a time

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1fbed79e748d263171830d95ab264de7Today is self injury awareness day. It’s something that millions of people live with with every day. It is because of this I wanted to write a positive post, inspired by the above tattoo (thanks Pinterest!).

Everyone has their own trials in life, it’s how we handle them that matters. Sometimes depression means you can’t handle things as you want to, but any little triumph is something to be proud of.

I just wanted to say even the littlest step forward is still a step forward.

Music is my cure

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This week has been a funny old week. It’s been full of ups and downs and being pulled all over the place and I’m just tired. Ok not just tired, I feel a bit drained. It’s been really busy, not necessarily in a bad way just loads of different things. I have been feeling really up and down over the last few days.

Tonight I just sort of caved. I’ve had a good day, working hard, seeing Eleanor and Wales even won the Rugby today (although England better tomorrow. I just felt sad when I got home, my thoughts caught up with me. Even snuggled up in my new onesie, thanks to Ali, I just couldn’t shake it. Yesterday I got like this too, right before a show and ended up having an anxiety attack before hand, which doesn’t happen anymore. So, yes, a little shook up over these sudden waves of horrible anxiety.

Music does something though, it is the release I need. It’s better than any negative coping strategy I’ve ever had, better than therapy, plans or medication. I don’t know but something about it just lifts me. When I lived alone I needed music filling my room because the silence was too much. So I resorted to YouTube tonight and found George Ezra. Of course I’d heard some of his other songs but I couldn’t stop and I’m more than a little bit in love with his music. It’s incredible.

So while last night was full of No People Club and other great musicians performing live, tonight was all about my headphones. Some Ed Sheeran and George Ezra to be precise because I just needed that kind of music tonight. Also the video to the above song? Could it GET any better?!?!

Why have I picked this song to share? Apart from the awesome video, the lyrics are pretty amazing too. It’s just what Ali’s been saying to me this week when I’ve been having an ‘oh my god, I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life, what is life, ARGH’ moment. They’re becoming a little bit more frequent but as the song says I need to listen to the man who’s loving me, because this time he’s got it right on. He’s just there, always.

The point of this blog wasn’t to do an ‘I love Ali’ fest. It was to talk about the power of music and how it’s always been there for me, I expect it always will and it’s the best depression beater ever. This song put such a smile on my face and I’m just in love with George’s voice, to the point I need tickets for when he’s next playing in the UK.

10 things that helped get me out of a low mood (and hopefully can help you!)

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Ok so I disappeared yesterday because of a pretty crappy low (yay, depression). Now I’m back and I’ve been looking after myself for the past 2 days now I want to share 10 ways to help when you’re on a low. These help for me, hopefully they will for you as well!

1. Take a shower or bath

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When I used to have a REALLY bad low, before I was diagnosed my Mum would always send me to the shower to calm down. Now when I have a low it’s always the things she recommends first. I don’t know why but water has always made me feel calmer.

2. Be comfortable

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When you’re feeling particularly rough you do not need to wear super tight skinny jeans. Today and yesterday were comfy jumper and jean days. Also at night make sure your comfortable with some good PJ’s and an early night, even if you can’t sleep being able to relax will help.

3. Take some time to think about what YOU need right now

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Do you need sleep? Do you need to go for a walk? Be around friends? Work out what it is you want and need to make yourself feel even a little bit better. I’ve had plenty of days where for the morning I had to be alone but later my friends made me feel a lot better. It’s a personal thing and taking baby steps if you need to.

4. Talk it out or write things down

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Some of my best songs have come from horrible moments. Writing or talking, generally just getting it out of your system is healthy. Of course there are other ways too, some people do art or sport, whatever works for you.

5. Eat some good food

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Screw the diet. Comfort food is the best. For me a bit of chocolate and a good cup of tea can really make all the difference.

6. Get some natural light

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10 minutes of sunshine is proven to boost Serotonin levels, even if it’s overcast try and go outside. I know what it’s like when all you want to do is lie in the dark and forget everything. When I feel like that and just want to be alone I walk to my local shop, it only takes 5 minutes and I don’t talk to everyone

7.Exercise

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When I used to hear this I used to get irritated, why if I didn’t want to get up would I want to exercise? I know by now that just being around the horses lifts my mood and going riding is great to make me have a more stable mood, it gives me something else to think about. I can’t ride every day though, so Sunday I decided to head to the pool (the only other exercise I can stand) I only done half an hour but felt much better.

8. Put yourself around people who make you feel happy

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It usually takes me a little while to get to this part. For the first part of my lows I normally want to be alone but gradually I’m ok being around people. Moving in with Ali was a hugely positive part of getting better since moving to uni, sometimes I’ll see friends or text my mentor to see her but I almost always phone my Mum to talk things over. Support is always key.

9. Have a little treat

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If I’m sad and go wandering I usually buy myself a little something partly to cheer myself up and partly because I left the house, because sometimes that’s the absolute worst part. It’s usually just something small, a bar of chocolate, cupcake or a book, whatever money I have spare really.

10. Don’t be so hard on yourself

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Everyone has good and bad days, depression or not. Don’t blame yourself if you’re out for a day or even longer, just work through as best you can and don’t beat yourself up!

Evening thoughts

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I want to write every day. I’m not as good at it as I used to be, partially because I spend time outside doing things rather than staring at the same four walls nearly every night. I don’t know how I feel right now. I don’t feel great but at the same time I don’t feel depressed, just deep in thought about anything and everything. Ok that’s not strictly true, I’ve thought a lot about depression tonight.

I can’t go into detail, nor would I want to, but hearing about a young girl who is being bullied and even slightly thinks about ending her life isn’t ok with me. Ok so she might not be serious about it, but you never know. My sister’s at an age now where a lot of her friends have issues, at the age where people are very likely to develop things like depression, self harm and eating disorders. Being a teenager is so confusing and worrying and really bloody stressful.

It’s known on this blog that I have depression but I suppose on here I don’t go into detail about some of my history, it doesn’t hurt any more but I guess I want this to be a positive blog and well, it’s a very long and negativemy part of  past. I had Ali who I’m sure already knows how important he was to me in helping me carry on in some of the worst times. I still have times when I completely break down, where I scream and I can’t breathe and everything just gets a little too much… He picks me up and let’s me cry until I’m ready to talk about it.

It’s not just Ali that have seen these meltdowns (which used to be a lot more frequent), my family did and I worry the most about my sister. I wonder how she would have turned out if she hadn’t experienced me being so ill and I think that’s the hardest thing to face, that she was so young when I was so ill. I have to say though I’m so proud of her, she’s growing up to be an amazing person, she’s caring and intelligent and knows she can talk to me about what’s going on with her or her friends.

The older she gets the more she’s exposed to and that terrifies me. I wish I could just wrap her up and run so she doesn’t have to know about how hard people hurt sometimes and what can come of it. I’m as honest as I can be with her, she’s still only young, and I answer any questions she has best as I can. My main thing is that I want her to be happy and to be ok, I never want her to hurt like I did. I know my family are great, she’s in good hands but I don’t know it’s a sisterly protection thing I think. She has our parents and family but it’s like I need to know she’s ok, I need to know when she’s sad and how to help. We’ve got a good relationship, great even, and I couldn’t live without her, when I moved I think she was the person I was most worried about leaving home and part of that was out of fear and panic, all I could think is What if she turns out like me? Like in some way I’d be responsible and yes to a point I do panic that her seeing me the way I was is going to affect her in some way.

It’s not only her it’s my family, Ali. When you’re really ill you just feel guilt all the time and the better I get the easier it gets to not blame myself, to actually believe that I was ill, not horrible. I was difficult and upset, but to them all I’m eternally grateful. I like to think that with every little triumph for me my family are there with me and now the friends who I’m opening up around.

So there are my thoughts for tonight. I don’t know if they make sense, I don’t care about the grammar, the punctuation. Sometimes you just need have to write.