Tag: depression

Rest in Peace, Chester

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I had a whole other blog planned tonight, but as I switched on my laptop I saw the news and posting a happy and fun book review just seemed wrong. Chester Bennington, singer of Linkin Park has killed himself. It’s genuinely shocked me. Even though I haven’t listened to Linkin Park in a really long time, it was such an integral part of my teenage years and getting me through some of the darkest periods. The fact that he’s gone, someone who’s voice and work has helped so many to be gone.

How can a voice that helped me get through my darkest days have died in such an awful way?  I’m not claiming I was a huge fan but Minutes to Midnight was an album I listened to on repeat because it just reflected how I felt. It was a time where I was lonely, depressed and just had this darkness inside me. When I couldn’t sleep I’d listen to it, along with others, when my mind was going at 100 miles per hour. It was more than just an album to me.

I’m listening to Minutes to Midnight as I write this, feeling so damn emotional. Hell, I don’t even know if this post will make sense. There are so many of us out there with physical, emotional and mental scars. Music was one of the things that saved me, I listen to this album and remember the strength I got from it and the thought that Chester was so low when he helped so many of us just breaks my heart. For his family, his band mates, his fans and the rock community it’s a terrible day.

When things like this happen we need to reach out to those who are struggling or who have struggled in the past. We need to listen to each other, love each other and make it ok for anyone to talk when they’re struggling. I’m not talking about waiting lists and doctors, I’m talking about and every one of us having empathy and openness for those around us.

If you’re reading this and struggling, it’s ok. You’re allowed to feel that way. If this news has knocked you for six, that’s okay too. There’s no clear guidelines or way to have a mental illness, you never know what is going to bring you to your knees. You’re allowed to feel and hurt. Remember you are valuable, you are loved and you are worth it. Reach out to people who love you, practice self-care and speak to someone.

Rest in Peace Chester, thank you so much. 

 

If you need to speak to someone please contact the Samaritans, don’t suffer in silence.

Book Review: What Would Beyoncé Do?!

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‘When life gives Beyoncé lemons, what would she do? Make Lemonade’ 

Luisa wasn’t exactly where she wanted to be, nearly 30, working in a temp job to pay the bills and trying her damned hardest to be the comedian that she knew she could be. This is a story of hard work, determination and pulling down your trousers, yes I’m serious. She might seem like an overnight sensation but Lusia has worked her way up, fallen flat on her arse at times and come back fighting, because that’s what Beyoncé would do.

I picked this up because I kept seeing it around, I’d heard it was funny and had a good feminist kick to it. Sign me up. Before reading I hadn’t seen the show (I since have and LOVED it), this was devoured within 24 hours because not only is Luisa funny, she’s the kind of girl I want to be friends with. Luisa doesn’t leave anything out and packs a punch, sharing the lessons she’s learnt.

Now, you might expect a side-splitting read, you’ll get that (it’s even better as an Audiobook) I laughed a lot, but you’ll get a lot more than that. You’ll get moments of HELL YES GIRL when Lusia talks about the expectations on women, the politics of being a ‘female comedian’ and talking about body positivity. On the other side, however, Luisa talks about her family life, which wasn’t easy, about what it was like to be the ‘weird polish kid’, her own struggles with depression and her brother’s suicide attempt.  There’s no filter on her life and she tells it as it is.

On a personal note, I needed this book right now. I needed to see someone who felt a little lost, who had dreams that people didn’t think would happen, someone who was honest about it. I needed someone to talk openly about what it’s like to live with depression as a young person when everything seems to be going so well to the outside world.

I loved this book and I now class myself as a firm Lusia fan. It will take you through every emotion but you will finish with a sense of freedom to talk about anything and everything. I won’t put the pressure on Luisa to call her a role model, but she’s funny, smart and kick ass, that’s the kind of lady I want to listen to and you will too.

Note: Luisa and her family after facing a difficult time her mother,a woman who is prominent in this book, has Cancer. Luisa has stopped all current work to be with her Mum if you can please donate to support Luisa and her family as money is the last thing they should be worrying about, I will be donating tomorrow. To help Mumma O, click here.

So, what’s it like living with a mental illness? – bloggers answer. Part Two.

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I asked Bloggers to tell me what it was like to live with a mental health condition. Some of these stories are hard to read and I cannot thank the bloggers enough for sharing their stories. Please remember if you need help to contact your GP or the Samaritans on 116 123. You are not alone. 

Lauren from www.milliesguide.com  – Anxiety and Depression

What is it like to live with a mental health difficulty? I’ve been finding this a really hard question to answer because every day is different. I can be hit by anxiety where I constantly feel nervous but I can’t work out what I’m worried about. Depression can loom like a cloud of darkness. It is feeling numb and nothing makes sense. It’s feeling nothing or everything at once. It’s crying when someone says hello. It’s crying for absolutely no reason and not being able to stop. There is a little voice in the back of my mind that constantly tells me I’m not good enough and that I’ll never be good enough. It’s not having the energy and courage to get out of bed. It’s not showering, cleaning your teeth or eating properly because I’m not worth it. At its worse depression causes you to

Depression can loom like a cloud of darkness. It is feeling numb and nothing makes sense. It’s feeling nothing or everything at once. It’s crying when someone says hello. It’s crying for absolutely no reason and not being able to stop. There is a little voice in the back of my mind that constantly tells me I’m not good enough and that I’ll never be good enough. It’s not having the energy and courage to get out of bed. It’s not showering, cleaning your teeth or eating properly because I’m not worth it. At its worse depression causes you to self-harm and self-destruct. It’s having thoughts that you would be better off dead. That your loved ones would be better off without you in their lives. My biggest piece of advice to you is to tell someone.

Talk about how you’re feeling with friends, family or your doctor. Lots and lots of people have depression or some other mental health problems. Just remember you are not alone and this too shall pass. It’s something that I have to remind myself of often.

Jen from @aweebitblue – Under diagnosis review.

I first started to struggle in my mid-teens, when I started to feel really low, and began to self-harm. I eventually sought help at 17, and was given antidepressants. I wasn’t so keen on taking them – I worried that they’d make me feel even more numb than I already felt – so I asked if there were any talking therapies available. My GP referred me to CAMHS, where I saw a psychologist… twice. I felt like I was being patronised.

At 18, I moved away to university, where I spiralled into a deep dark place, which culminated in me using drinking and self-harm to get me through the long nights. I registered with the campus GP, and was given more antidepressants, which I took for a couple of days, and then stopped. I also saw a university counsellor, who pretty swiftly said she couldn’t cope with ‘my levels of difficulty’. I had a course of CBT around this time, which I have to say was not particularly helpful either. I was convinced that I was beyond help, and spiralled even further.

Gradually though, over a course of years, with the help of my girlfriend of the time, things started to get a little better.And it seemed like it was for the first few years. But then things started to go downhill.  I tried a whole host of medications, but I seem to be very sensitive to side effects, so many just didn’t ‘fit’. And things just got worse. I was increasingly suicidal, and ended up being taken into hospital to keep me safe.

A Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis has been following me around for a while. Despite only meeting two of the criteria for a diagnosis (you have to meet five, and most people I know would meet at least one), and not meeting the criteria for BPD treatment (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT)), I have had professionals tell me I have BPD repeatedly for the past couple of years.

But it…just didn’t fit. So, at my last appointment with my (new) consultant, I ‘put on my big girl pants’, and asked him about it. He said that it was on my records, but that he had it as ‘under review’. We had a chat about it, and in the end he said that he was very clear that I had a ‘complex mood disorder’. Mood disorder because of the depression, and complex because of the trauma. So not a personality disorder, after all. I finally feel understood, and like we can make some progress.

Please remember if you need help to contact your GP or the Samaritans on 116 123. You are not alone. 

So, what’s it like living with a mental illness? – bloggers answer. Part One.

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I asked Bloggers to tell me what it was like to live with a mental health condition. Some of these stories are hard to read and I cannot thank the bloggers enough for sharing their stories. Please remember if you need help to contact your GP or the Samaritans on 116 123. You are not alone. 

Emma, @LiterateElf  – Depression

One of the things that still amazes me is how many people think mental health is ‘cute’ or ‘quirky’, without having any greater understanding of how it affects a person. I’ve suffered with issues since my preteen years, and yet I never fully understood what was going on until I hit my early 20s. That’s a long time to be clueless about yourself. Not that I’d say knowing has made any difference, in all seriousness; I became medicated, but that never stopped the depressive episodes. Never prevented me from being escorted by the police on my way to hospital.

I probably paint a bleak picture, but that isn’t my intention, all I want to do is paint an honest one, one that illustrates how individual an experience mental health can be. As I grow older I learn to accept this part of me, while never allowing it to define who I am; I’m more than my mental health. There’s still dark periods in my life, moments where getting out of bed is too great a burden, but they pass eventually, leading to brighter days. It’s hard to offer advice or help to other sufferers, so all I’ll say is that you should try and remember that, while this journey is hard, it’s not always going to be so shitty. You can make it through.

Fears Come to Life (a short story of depression)

 Do you ever feel like you’re teetering on the edge, with the abyss staring back at you, your entire being barely holding on as the engulfing waves wash over you once more. That’s my personal prison that I experience everyday, the minefield of emotions rigged to go off at the slightest unbalance. Try as I might to stem the never-ending tide, I’m always consumed by that which I fear.

Droplets of salt water cascade down my face, splitting apart and splashing my cheeks as they descent to my rounded chin. This is the face that greets me from inside the mirror, her expression blank and cold, sorrow bubbling out of every pore. She should be unfamiliar, but I know her all too well.

I’d seen glimpses of her growing up, a whisper of a form, shrouded in black, but it was never more than fleeting visits. As soon as I’d see her, she was gone, her suffocating aura stolen away along with her. The simplicity of those days weigh down on me now, their irony raw and bitter, just like the pills I swallow to forget the truth of myself.

Stepping away from the reflection, the one I hate to recall so clearly, I lift my form up and into the bath. The water is so warm, stinging as it lightly scolds, red blemishes pricking at my skin. As it washes over me, my being submerged in a metaphorical baptism, I wonder whether my visits from this grave soul, so troubled and shattered, will ever stop.

Opening my eyes under the water, I sense a stirring inside me; she comes for me tonight.

 Anon – Psychosis

“I had a period of psychosis when I was at university. I’m still not sure whether it was brought on by stress (I was in an abusive relationship, was being stalked and my dad was dying at the time) or a severe lack of nutrition (thanks to aforementioned relationship I was existing on a chocolate bar a day and a bowl of rice once a week.) In any case, I was having auditory and visual hallucinations daily; I’d hear people calling my name, see snakes and bugs crawling over the floor and on my skin and occasionally would see and feel branches reaching out to get me, among other things. I told no one at the time, I didn’t feel like I could because of the stigma my family has towards mental illness because of my dad’s mental health problems. I was working full time while at uni and it began to affect my work because I would ask colleagues and customers why they were calling for me and struggled to tell when the voices were in my head and when they were real. Sometimes I couldn’t sleep because I’d be hearing what sounded like a 1950s radio broadcast at night and once I became so convinced that my hands were out to get me that I tried to break my own wrists on my bedpost. I vaguely remember trying to tell people outside of family, but in hindsight I suspect I was so vague about my symptoms that no one really understood what was going on. I haven’t hallucinated since 2014, when I thought that an earthquake was shaking my bed in Seattle, and now I try and avoid the kinds of stress and eating behaviour triggers that used to be constant. I suffered from chronic migraines at the same time so now I’m trying to avoid migraine triggers in case they’re linked. I don’t talk openly about it, and it does mean that I fear that my perception of reality will never be quite trustworthy, but I am able to manage life quite well now.”

Part 2 continues tomorrow with two more bloggers.

If you’d like to share YOUR story email me at chloefmetzger@gmail.com

 

 

Mental Health, my story so far

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So, to kick start Mental Health Awareness Week I thought I would share with you my own personal mental health journey. I’ve written a lot on this blog about how I live with my mental health, what helps me and some of the not so great times.

If you don’t know me or my blog hello and welcome! I’m Chloe, a 22-year-old blogger, graduate, writer, musician and mental health campaigner. I’ve been living with Depression and Anxiety diagnosed since I was 18 but undiagnosed from around 15 (it took a long time to get a diagnosis).

I’ve had quite a lot of time to think about myself and the fact that I am more than an illness, more than a diagnosis. I struggled throughout my teenage years for a lot of reasons, I was bullied a lot which definitely kick started my illness. I spent a lot of time isolated and desperately unhappy, with no professional help. That was pretty shit. Moving on to college I was slightly better with a new start but still struggling with my mental health, I did have some councilling at the time and sought out my diagnoses, which I got at the age of 18.

Little after that, I went to university after starting my first trial of medication, freaking out and not taking it (not something I’d recommend). I spent my first year pretty sick and being incredibly unhealthy with my mental health, I’d spend days locked in the dark of my room alone, not eating and avoiding people. Towards the end of that year I went back on medication because I was at a really low point, where everyone had noticed.

For my second and third year I was better with the help of my mentor who I had talking therapy with once a week for 3 years. I also started to speak out more about my mental health and working towards educating others, I was also lucky enough to make a speech (watch here) which made my passion even stronger.

I will admit I’ve had a really rough time in the past year since graduating with figuring out who I am, getting used to not having the professional support I had at uni, trying to work on being a graduate and getting used to new doctors (not my fave).

So, that’s a little bit about me. My illness is a part of me, but not all of me. I’m hoping you’re going to enjoy this week. If you have any questions for me drop me a comment below, email me at chloefmetzger@gmail.com, or tweet me @chloemetzger. I can’t wait to hear from you all!

April Favourites!

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We’re at the end of April already! It’s been a fairly quiet month for me in terms of buying/reading (click here to find out why) BUT I still have a few favourites for you!

Books: 

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Anne Boleyn The Final 24 Hours 

I absolutely love learning about the Tudors, I love factual books, fiction and fine Anne Boleyn one of the most interesting Queens. I bought this on my kindle and read it on my phone within 24 hours. A very different take on events looking not just at Anne, but also other key people at this time. Definitely a good read for any other Tudor lovers.

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Cheer Up Love – Susan Calman

I’ve really wanted to read this for a while, I hadn’t known Susan as a comedian so I didn’t really know about that aspect of her but this was a really interesting look at depression and her experience with it. I really appreciated her honesty and humour. Definitely a recommended read.

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Supergirl Rebirth 

I haven’t picked up much of the DC Rebirth and I was really pleasantly surprised. Supergirl is awesome! She’s a really cool lady and I enjoyed the story, looking forward to picking more of these up.

Music: 

Hard Times – Paramore 

THEY’RE BACK, THEY’RE BACK, THEY’RE BACK. Legitimately danced to Sainsbury’s to this song. I’m so excited to hear the new album and the evolution of Paramore.

Rebel, Rebel – David Bowie

When I was younger I wasn’t that into Bowie, but since my university opened the Visconti Studio (Tony Visconti worked on a lot of Bowie’s albums) and my boyfriend started working there I’ve been listening to a lot. I’ve had this on repeat.

With or Without You – Emma Blackery 

This has been stuck in my head since I first heard it.

Say You Won’t Let Go – James Arthur 

I’ve had a rough month and Ali has been absolutely brilliant, this song reminds me of him.

Shop: 
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Ann Summers is fantastic! I learnt this month that I’d been wearing bras that are 4 sizes too small, yep. I was measured and picked out new bras in their £10 event, that event was a lifesaver! Friendly staff, great selection for bigger boobs and of course the naughty delights are great too!

Watching:

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Game of Thrones

I. am. obsessed. I’m half way through season four and I have no doubt I’ll get to the end of season six in time for the new series.

Tribute to Carrie Fisher

I was heartbroken when Carrie died back in December, I was lucky enough to meet her and cried many tears after her death. The celebration of her life at Star Wars Celebration this year was wonderful and left me sobbing.

Emma Blackery

I’ve been a fan of Emma’s channel for a few years and this month she’s doing a challenge and doing really well. Killing it as always.

What have your favourite things been this month? Any recommendations? Let me know in the comments below!

Things I’d tell myself at sixteen

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I’ve been quite reflective recently and thinking a lot about my teenage years, particularly as my sister is fast approaching her 16th (!!) birthday. Now I’m in my twenties, and believe me that’s a rollercoaster enough, but I had a tough time as a teenager, it wasn’t easy but at the same time some of the best things happened to me. I think we all have a certain view of our teenage years. I don’t agree with people saying that it’s the ‘best time of your life’ but there are certain times I look back on fondly. So, here are some of the things I wish I told

I don’t agree with people saying that it’s the ‘best time of your life’ but there are certain times I look back on fondly. So, here are some of the things I wish I could go back and tell myself to just give me a bit of a hand and the things I’ve learnt.

School isn’t forever. 

My life was hell at school, sometimes it felt like it was never going to end but it definitely did and it was glorious.

You’re right to look forward to college, it’s going to be great. 

I lived and breathed for my college. I could do classes I wanted to escape the people who hated me. I used to go and meet Ali from his day with butterflies. It was definitely a good two year with some great friends.

Trust him when he says he loves you, he does. 

I’ve been with Ali for almost 9 years. I had such issues at sixteen that I wasn’t good enough, that he was going to leave me etc. I was a complete nightmare. I wish she knew he’s still around now.

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Don’t hate yourself, you’re not well. 

I was incredibly ill with depression at this point, I literally felt like I was going insane and ruining everyone’s lives. I wish I knew that it was all to do with an illness and not because I was a terrible person.

Others opinions don’t matter

Can not stress this enough!

You can have a great future!

 I didn’t think much about the future much, I couldn’t but I wish I knew that I could get there.

Keep singing, keep writing, keep being creative! 

There were more than a few times I just didn’t want to do it anymore, what was the point, why bother? It was going to do more for me than I thought!

Ignore your art teacher, you’re never going to impress her. 

Seriously, the woman had her favourites, I wasn’t one of them.

Talk to someone. 

Just talk about how you feel.

YOU.ARE.NOT.FAT

Seriously, I would shout this until I was blue in the face if I could. I really struggled with the way I looked and thought I was chubby but I really, really wasn’t.

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The house parties are going to continue, they’ll be some of the best memories of your life. 

Best. Time. Ever.

Think about uni, just think about it. 

I thought it wasn’t for people like me. Oh I was wrong.

Love yourself, cause you’re pretty awesome. 

Something I still need to remember at 22.

 

What do you wish you knew at 16? Let me know in the comments!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

More Than My Diagnosis – World Mental Health Day 2016

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A lot is weighted on a diagnosis. Your key to treatment, to medication and help in general but it’s also a word or group of words that can carry opinions and stigma. When I was first diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety, I couldn’t say it out loud for a long time. I was terrified of what it meant, what people would say and how they would react. I got my diagnoses a month before I started university and of course, I got the usual, people trying to tell me all I needed was a change in lifestyle, people saying that it was ‘just life’ and people who avoided me after I did build up the courage to tell them. It’s a word, just a damn word but people judge you and your whole life. I am more than just a word, we are all more than what it says on a bit of paper and we can’t forget that. We need to educate people that we need to be more open-minded and that one word, a few words don’t make a person. We are more

We are more and we are not afraid.

World Suicide Prevention Day 2016: Breaking the Taboo

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Suicide is something that people are too scared to talk about. Often the conversation can become difficult because people don’t know what to say, or don’t want to offend the person speaking. Of course it is a difficult topic, unless you’ve been at that point in your life where you can’t cope anymore it’s hard to understand why someone would choose to end their life, particularly if it all looks good from the outside. We focus so much on making sure that people stay alive but often we’re too scared to hear their reason why they wanted to die.

Recently the Basingstoke music community lost an incredibly talented DJ. She took her own life and a lot of us were shocked. I knew her from our college class, while we weren’t close I counted her as a friend, she came to a house party of ours and sat playing guitar and impressing people she’d never met before. That’s how I’ll always remember her. We parted ways after our final music performance 3 years ago and didn’t see each other after that. I followed some of her music stuff online and she was picking up speed in the industry. Unfortunately she passed away in what I can only imagine was a point of total and utter darkness.

I spoke in an interview with my university’s paper about being at a point where I didn’t think anything could get better. I was in my teens and just felt like school was never going to end. There was a part of me that feared I would ever feel better again, I would ever be the person I was before. When the piece was released some member of my family were shocked and upset to find that I felt that bad, that I hadn’t spoken about feeling that low. The thing is I wish I could have, I wish that I could have told my family, but I didn’t want to hurt anyone. When you’re at that point the depression is heavy and can muffle you wanting to speak out. I feel like I summed it up in the interview pretty well from the worst points to now;

“The doctor’s defined it as low mood, even though I had moments at school when I was suicidal. When you’re that poorly it’s very hard to talk to anyone else. I never want to get to that point again, it’s the most terrifying thing,” Metzger said. “If I can stop someone from getting to that point, or not feeling alone when they’re getting to that point I think I’ve made the best out of a really bad situation that I was in.”

I want to point out that I worked hard but was lucky to have the support around me, because not everyone has that. We need to work together to end the stigma, to make the fear around ‘saying the wrong thing’ lessen. If someone you care about seems low let them talk, be there for them. Sometimes talking to someone can make all the difference to how someone perceives the world. Let them know that what their feeling isn’t ‘selfish’ or ‘weak’, words that shouldn’t be associated with suicidal thoughts and feelings because mental illness can happen to ANYONE.

I didn’t want people to worry about me after writing this post. I know I have wonderful friends and family I can talk to now, I have coping strategies. I’m doing ok and I haven’t felt like that in a long time but I’ll use that experience to educate and help others and much as possible. This isn’t a post needed help, it’s sharing a story of my past and I encourage others to do the same.

Let’s break down the stigma.

And remember, someone loves you, someone needs and wants you around. You are not alone.

Sunday Seven: Seven Things You Should Know About Depression

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I wanted to write about depression tonight. It’s an illness I’ve had since I was a teenager and it’s definitely misunderstood, especially in young people. So here are seven things I think people should know about depression.

It impacts everyone differently. 

Depression is a very personal illness. For come their depression makes them feel irritable, teary or numb. For others their depression may mean they will work and work to make themselves better. Everyone has different triggers and emotions and everyone has different routes to recovery and feeling better.

It’s exhausting.

Mentally and physically depression saps energy. Whether or not you suffer with insomnia, which I do when I’m incredibly stressed, it can impact the quality of your sleep. So even if you’ve had a perfectly chilled day, you can still find yourself wanting to sleep for hours, or being tired at odd times.

A lot of people have jobs and lives whilst having depression, other people don’t, it’s not a competition. 

There’s a common misconception that people with depression stay in bed and don’t leave the house. Sometimes, that is true, personally I’ve been at the point where I’m so sick I can’t get up or haven’t gotten dressed for days. Some days I have to fight those feelings because I have a job and I know that I need to just look after myself a bit more on days like that. Like I said before the illness impacts everyone differently and it doesn’t mean anyone’s depression is better or worse, it just means that people have different ways of dealing with it.

Medication is a personal choice and not for anyone else to judge.

It works for some and not for others, depression is an illness and some illnesses need medication, I don’t understand why it’s judged so much. Would you judge a person for having an inhaler?

There doesn’t need to be a reason. 

A lot of people think there needs to be an event or trauma for depression to happen, but this isn’t always the case. My depression was started by bullying at school but I was also more prone to it anyway. Life can be going incredibly well and you can still be depressed, it’s just a part of the illness.

There are good days and bad days.  

Some days I will be in a great mood, chatting, laughing and going out with friends. Other days I need to cancel all my plans and have a day to myself because the slightest thing is too much. It’s all about good days and bad days.

I’m still me. 

No matter what a person with depression is still the person you know and love. They may be a little lost for a while or not act like the person you know but try not to treat them differently. There are quite a few people who have deemed me a bitch or not wanting to bother when I’ve had a particularly bad time, not understanding that it’s just a rough patch and I’m still the person I always was, just struggling.