Tag: blogger

Work and Mental Health

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I’ve now been working for a month a month of huge change for me. Now, I have been anxious about leaving university and joining the ‘real world’ for months. Terrified of the impact it would have on my mental health as well as trying to adjust like a ‘normal person’. I’ve been very open and honest about my mental health online, because I want to share my story and to encourage others. In my interviews to work with Exonar I spoke about the blog, the mental health work and campaigning I’ve done because I’m proud of it. I’ve never hidden it but I don’t about it. I also know that my colleagues occasionally read my blog, they’ve told me which was both nerve wracking and exciting. Luckily I work with wonderful and understanding people, they’re read and don’t treat me any different.

Of course, I’ll always be honest, there have been days in the past month where I’ve worried that I was starting to slip. My anxiety has been kicking in again and the depression will grab me some days and make me really struggle, but I’ve been living with those kinds of days since I was 15 years old and I know that most of the time they pass sooner or later. It doesn’t mean that the lows are nicer to deal with or that the anxiety attacks don’t make me feel like I can’t breathe but I’m doing it, I’m dealing with it the best I can. I got to work, I get stuff done and try and concentrate until it passes. I think the hardest thing is when I’m tired, because I know tiredness is one of the things that makes my depression really hard to deal with, but I’m learning, working and trying to find my feet. The tiredness is something we’re all dealing with, it’s more irritating than not that it makes me more irritable and prone to low mood.

All in all, I’m trying. I know that I have to live with this and with the support of Ali, my family and knowing that I have people I can rely on at work fills me with hope. This illness may never go away but like hell am I going to let it control my life.

 

 

Image from Healthyplace.com

 

 

Book Review: Before I Die – Jenny Downham

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I had very high expectations when I very excitedly bought this book. I had heard fantastic reviews, everyone who had read it that I had come across ranted and raved about it and its protagonist, Tessa. The blurb looked okay but oh how wrong I was, I thought this would be a tale of strength, determination and really living your last days to the full with happiness and laughter. That said I was also expecting her to be scared or upset that is a given but well I’m afraid thats all it was at times, fear and wanting to achieve the unachievable. It’s not just that the tale was sad, it was outright miserable to read.

I’m sorry to admit I got bored of this book extremely quickly, I forced myself to carry on reading and in the end I’m glad I did as parts of the novel were beautifully written, especially any references to nature. However, this doesn’t stop my annoyance at the author Jenny Downham, sixteen year old Tessa writes a list of things she wants to do before she dies of terminal leukaemia, sounds like a good plot line right? That’s what I thought but throughout the entire novel we do not see this list at all!!! I feel that if you are going to write a whole novel on the idea of a kind of bucket list, then wouldn’t you include the list somewhere in the book itself? However Downham does not give us one, we are left trying to struggle to remember what Tessa has achieved from the list and therefore making it slightly pointless.

While the novel is classed as young adult, it did feel rather immature for its subject matter and focused heavily on clichè. Number one on the list is to have sex, resulting in a quite strange night, which, if I’m honest seemed out of place in relation to the character and the plot itself. Another on the list is to get stoned, say yes for an entire day (which actually turns out to be quite sweet) and get famous, yes you read that right… I wasn’t that impressed. Then throw into the mix an amazingly annoying best friend who is ‘wild’, a runaway mother, a doting father (who I felt Tessa treated extremely badly), a very sweet younger brother (who should of had more emphasis put on him and the relationship he has with his sister) and the boy, because of course there’s a boy next door.

Tessa herself has not been portrayed in the best light. I felt little sympathy or connection to her at all. Yes she is a young dying girl, with a right to feel unhappy and wanting to do this her way, but she just came across as terribly selfish to absolutely everyone around her and, really, a bit of a brat. I was especially annoyed at the way she treated her father who had done nothing but good for her and obviously loves her so much, if this relationship had been expanded then maybe there would of been more to like about Tessa. Although that said there is obviously a deep connection between her and her younger brother Cal, although he to, is not always well portrayed and this could have been explored more.

For this I only give 2 stars **, I really wasn’t that impressed with it compared to other books I have read that surround the subject of terminal illness. The character of Tessa was not terribly likeable, nor did I feel I could connect with her and the plot.

Sunday Seven: Seven of this weeks pics!

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I’ve spent most of the past week in Basingstoke, meaning I’ve been very snap happy this week, so for a little something different I wanted to share my top seven snaps of this week.

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Ed doesn’t like me shutting the door whenever I’m at home, he wants all the attention, no matter what time it is. I snapped this little pic while I wanted to sleep and Ed wanted to play.

IMG_7626 This week my little cousin and Godson turned 13. 13! Harvey and I are really close, he’s my little dude and I can’t believe he’s gone from this chubby cheeked baby to a really awesome little man. Also, check out the cake that my super awesome sister made!

IMG_7634 It was doughnut day this week so I popped to the shop and picked up these beautiful, scrummy pink ones. They tasted good, so good. IMG_7600

I was finally able to pick up my Illumicrate from my parents! I was not only surprised but loved every item in the box and can’t wait for my next one. If you missed my post, find it here.IMG_7627

Lottie is my shadow whenever I come home. This didn’t change this week, if you couldn’t find her you could guarantee she was on my bed fast asleep…even if it’s a choice between my Mum’s double bed or my single, she still chooses my bed.

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This is Betsy, my aunts puppy, she’s also known as Chewbacca by my cousins. I swear she’s like a little walking rug apart from she jumps up and wants cuddles and has a fondness for cake. Don’t you love this little smile too?!

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Another one of my little mischief maker in the evening.

If you want to keep up with more of my snaps, make sure to follow me on Instagram @chloemetz_!

Comic Con Summer 2016!

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Today I attended my second ever MCM Comic Con! This was the first time I’ve put together a costume and became a cosplayer! I’ve been sure I wanted to cosplay someone from Star Wars for a while and then I saw The Force Awakens *cough, three times, cough* I was sure I wanted to be Rey. Here was this absolutely incredible character, she was strong, she kicked ass and this was something I could make. So for the past few months Ali and I looked up parts for costumes, Ali’s took a lot more work than mine and is so realistic I can’t begin to describe just how awesome it looks. I was still stitching mine this morning (while Ali had fixed up my awesome hair do) and had to do a few adjustments at Con as well…hey, I’m still learning.

One of the things I love most about Con is how creative people are. You just look at some people and are in awe of their talent and creativity, I hope that one day I can do something so that someone might think that of me. Ali and I did get quite a few comments and smiles through the day. The best part for me though was when I saw kids who thought we were Rey and another Jedi. The kids in my building were left open-mouthed, whispering as we went past ‘They’re Jedi!’, it was so much fun just to see their faces. We were walking around with Ben and Abbie, just looking around, laughing, oh and buying…

 

Aside from the amazing stacks of Funko Pops around (yes, I have to be very careful with my spending and have saved up for Con for MONTHS before) there is also Artist’s Alley, a hub of incredible talent. I picked up so many different prints and pieces of artwork. It’s hard to explain how amazing it is to see and talk to these artists about their work and get customs done, things like that. You really never know what you’re going to find, it’s something Abbie and I get really excited about it.

It was nice to have Comic Con to look forward to after all the stresses of assignments last month, I just got to hang out with my friends, wear a costume I was comfortable in and just be the huge geek I am inside. Am I already planning October? You bet I am.

Mental Health Awareness Week 2016 on chloemetzger.com

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This week is Mental Health Awareness Week, as my regular readers know I’m really big on promoting awareness, sharing my own experiences with mental health and just generally getting mental health in every day conversation. Whether we like it or not there’s still a stigma attached to mental health issues and it’s not the way it should be BUT with weeks like this we can end the stigma sooner rather than later.

This week I’ve decided to relate all my posts to raising awareness of mental health. I’ve got posts planned around my experience, opinions, books related to mental health, motivation – it’s all going to be going on over here! As always I’d love to hear for you in the comments, on Twitter. I’ve found that when I’m really not doing well Twitter is one of the places I can talk to people to understand and generally be in a better mood.

I also want to do an honest mood update each day, because sometimes I can go a few weeks of feeling fine and then it’ll go downhill, it’s the ways of having Depression. For today I’ve been really sleep deprived so my mood hasn’t been the best, I’m at a really overwhelming point in my life and everything’s changing so I think that’s to be expected.

I can’t wait to write this week and raise as much awareness as possible! As always leave comments and questions below!

The Job Hunt

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Yesterday morning I woke up to a job rejection email, a few lines outlining that I hadn’t been successful and they wouldn’t be interviewing me. I had a moment of ‘ah damn’, deleted the email and moved on. It’s not that I wasn’t upset, it’s more the fact that I know I’m not just going to walk out of uni with a high paying job and that’s me sorted for life. I’m also a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, so that job just wasn’t for me this time. No biggie. This wasn’t the case a few months ago when I got a rejection email for a job that I REALLY wanted, I didn’t get an interview. I guess I was shocked more than anything, every job I’ve applied for since I was 17, I’ve at least gotten an interview. I know this is different though.

I finished my work for my degree a week ago and while I’d love to take a month off and not even think about a job, that’s not who I am. I’ve had a job since I was 16, a few months after my 16th birthday (and when I realised I needed more than just the occasional babysitting job) Dad drove me around handing out CVs all over Basingstoke, a week or two later I had an interview and later a job at a cinema. I give 110% into every job, that’s just how I am as a person and I’ve carried that on through the various jobs I’ve had since that first one. I mean I grew up helping my Mum out on her stall every weekend through the Spring and Summer, I’m just used to helping out wherever I can and I truly believe that made me who I am today (although when I as a kid that was in between vital colouring in time) .

Over time I know it’s going to get a little harder to be as positive as I am now. Even at this moment with people I know having babies and getting married, finding jobs quickly I get a little anxious and have the whole ‘WHERE IS MY LIFE GOING? WHAT AM I DOING AHHHHHH’ moments. That normal though, I suppose when then is the first time I’m not going back into education in September for 16 years, the freedom is both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.  I know I’m lucky too that I’m not being pressured just to take jobs because they are there, I’ve got a little time to actually apply to jobs and companies I want to be a part of rather than some of my other jobs I’ve had where it’s been a case of desperation.

Of course I’d love to have a good job in the next month, but I also know that I might need to pop back into part time work just to tide me over. The important thing to remember and this goes for Saturday jobs, part time work, full time work, whatever, is that you are not above any part of your field. If I go into a marketing job and at first they want me to remove staples, I’ll remove staples. They want me to make coffee for a while, let me know the way you like it. There’s a difference between knowing your worth and getting stuck in. There’s a difference between starting out and staying in a crappy position. It’s all about balance and proving yourself.

You’ll know if people are taking advantage, trust me you’ll know, this is coming from someone who was left with a handful of other teenagers to run part of a shop on a regular basis on a low wage while the supervisor did what they liked. BUT find the positives in every experience, being left with the others to run the shop? I got leadership skills and my customer service was fab when I left. Picking up Popcorn kids had thrown on the floor? Reminded me to always, always respect the place I’m in and the people that work there. It might not seem anything

So, my positive pants are on, my job hunting hat is on. Let’s do this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Treat Yo’self

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I have a problem. Like many other people in this world sometimes I forget about someone that needs to be looked after and treated well, myself. To an extent I think most of us do this, we work ourselves to the point of exhaustion and yet if we saw a friend doing this we’d be the first one to tell them to take some time out, have a break, we might even treat them! I’ve learnt that we need to learn to treat ourselves! We need to learn to take a little me time, even if it’s something small, a nice bath, a take-away or just a cupcake on the way home. In this post I talk about some of the ways that I’ve treated myself in terms of things BUT treating your mind is also super important. Have a day where you leave your phone on silent and just do something you want to do. That might be sleep, it might be doing something creative, listening to music WHATEVER, just switch off. I have to admit, switching off is one of the things I am worst at. I always have to be doing something and talking to someone and checking my phone, sometimes I have major online FOMO. That’s something I’m working on, because if I do get to go into digital for work (and I really hope I do) I need to be able to literally and figuratively switch off!

So, as all of you who follow me on Twitter will know, yesterday I submitted all of the work for my degree. That’s right, I’m free! Duh duh daaaaah! It is one of the best feelings ever and after I submitted I wandered around town a little bit, determined to treat myself to something, I’d worked bloody hard and so wasn’t going to get anxious over spending a little bit of money (which is a big deal for me, I am obsessed with savings). There was nothing in town so I ended up having to order online, which it where I picked up 6 YA novels. I decided to give my brain a break from chunky books that I didn’t really like, that I had been forced to read and study for months. These were things I could read and enjoy, there was no weight on my shoulders to have a big opinion and defend it,  I just wanted to read for FUN, so I treated myself. Aren’t they pretty?

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Books, books, books! 

It may not be anything big or flashy or something to remember but it just perked me up, I feel like I’ve earnt the time to read what I like, have lie ins because I’ve stayed up too late reading and all that jazz. Soon I’m going to have a full time job, something I’ll have for the next 45 years, who knows if I’ll have this time to just do what I like whenever I like again? I’m hoping that I’ll become a writer and so part of work will be reading a load of novels and then writing my own, then I can treat myself again 😉

For everyone reading this I just wanted to recmind you that it’s ok to treat yourself in whatever way you can. You’re getting on with life, surviving and I know a lot of you are working damn hard so relax, treat yourself!

 

 

 

 

 

Treat Yo Self image from Pinterest.

Thoughts at 2am…

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I thought that by now, with less pressure and less stress in my life I would be happily curled up and asleep at 2am, but apparently it’s a good time to write. It’s quiet here and just leaves me alone with my thoughts. It’s nights like this were I’ve tried everything your supposed to do that I just turn to writing instead, which some people will nag ‘the light of your computer will wake you up more!’ but honestly nothing’s getting me to sleep right now. I don’t like mentioning or talking about the pain in my spine still bothering me but lately it hasn’t been at it’s best. I’ve been sat in a very rigid chair for about 10 hours a day for the past few weeks, for anyone’s spine that would cause problems, for mine it’s hell. So while I’m trying to wait for the second lot of painkillers to kick in I thought, why not let my mind wander, see where I end up.

I’ve been trying to fall asleep for a few hours so a lot has been going through my head, just thoughts zipping past like cars on a motorway. One keeps coming back to me though, I suppose it’s because of an essay I was writing today, I can’t seem to escape the bloody things even when they’re done! I was thinking that pain, in all it’s forms is something that makes us human. When a person is in so much pain, mentally or physically, they will let go of what they thought they knew, sometimes of their opinions and prejudices, all that matters is stopping that pain, unless you are incredibly stupid that is. Great pain is a humbling experience. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you come from or anything like that pain and fear make us all the same, because it is.

I’m a true believer that once someone has experienced true pain in their lives it will change them for good. For some people it will make them bitter, angry, resentful. For others pain makes them appreciate more, try and be more compassionate and understanding as a person. For a long time after my spine broke I would be angry, I’d be filled with tears and hatred that my body had let me down. Thousands of people fell off horses all day, why did it happen to me! Why did the doctors risk it! Why did my notes keep getting lost! I was miserable and honestly the anger was just making me more tired, more sad. I’m not saying people aren’t allowed that time, of course they are. In the words of John Green ‘pain demands to be felt’, I know I needed that time because I was so upset and heartbroken and unsure of the future. If you were told that there was a chance you might just lose the ability to walk by trying to walk (and do the one thing that would make you better in the long run), wouldn’t you be?

I held on to the pain and frustration for a long time, I was convinced that I was just a burden and there was no point to anything when it took me so long to take a few steps, when going out somewhere meant having to take my wheelchair or that I had to sit while everyone else could stand. I wish I could tell you there was a wonderful eureka moment where I let go of it all, where I just went ‘ok, enough is enough let’s get on.’ I was always carrying on but after time and after I learnt what my body needed and how to start managing the pain I felt a little calmer, a little more able to deal with the world.

I would never wish my injury on anyone, the fact that it’s causing me to be awake at 2am the day before my final deadline because of physical pain is not a fun thing BUT I do believe that it’s made me into a better person. The injury taught me more than I would have believed it could. I quickly learnt that life was what you made of it when you got given something shitty. I learnt that as much as I wanted to organise everything for the next 30 years I couldn’t. I learnt that life is a mess a terrifying, wonderful and always evolving mess and you just fit in where you can. I realised I was allowed to take a break and not be this built up image of ‘perfect’ I’d associated with myself. Am I annoyed that I might not get the first I worked for because of the early days of fuzzy pain? Of course I am. Am I going to let it taint my whole university experience, final year and the progress I have made? No. Likewise I learnt what I need in friends and that I can be alone comfortably more than I give myself credit for. I learnt that I can handle a lot more than I can give myself credit for and that while my body might not look like a magazine cover, it’s mine and it’s actually a pretty amazing thing. Being in horrific pain lead me to most of this, which is something so strange to me. Either way, the past is the past and my future is my future so I’m going to see what I can do with these experiences and be the best person I can be.

Thank you!

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Hello, hello, hello! I want to say a massive thank you to all you wonderful people for the response of not only my blog yesterday but some of the fab conversations I got to have on Twitter too! I did have a little moment of ‘I don’t know if I can finish all of this’ and it helped that I had such lovely people commenting, liking and tweeting me, it means a lot. Tomorrow I will be submitting my final assignment of my undergraduate degree and that is crazy to me. It feels so insanely good to know that as long as the marks come back ok I’ve worked hard and achieved a goal that I didn’t know if I could. There are a lot of people who have helped me along the way, both encouraging me in real life and online. My blog has given me somewhere to talk to the world and realise that most of the time I’m not alone in how I’m feeling.

That little nudge of ‘you’re going to be ok’, even if it’s from a complete stranger can really change someone’s day. I couldn’t sit and write a ‘normal; post because I just felt so much gratitude, there are some people on here that have subscribed from the first few days and I feel like I’ve come on this journey with me. Of course this is just the start of a brand new chapter in my life which, of course, I’ll be blogging and I’m hoping to have a little bit of a change up on here…maybe, but you will soon see. Like I said yesterday there’s a lot that I want to do once I finally submit the final essay. So really just thank you to everyone who’s read, commented, liked, tweeted, instagrammed, emailed, I read each and every one and really appreciate it and hopefully as I progress the blog will grow too!

 

You can buy the above print and have it made into adorable cards, there is a link on Pinterest.

The Freedom List!

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I’m so close to getting everything submitted that I can smell the freedom, on Tuesday at 11am it’s all done. I go out for a drive in my car and just take in lungfuls of fresh air, because I know that soon enough I’ll be back in the flat looking at a screen and an essay that bores me almost to tears. Last night I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to try and get down my ‘freedom list’, things that I’m looking forward to doing once I haven’t got any more academic pressure on me. I know I’ll be moving and looking for work but it’s going to be nice to have some spare time again! To be able to pick up a book or go for a walk without feeling guilty for leaving two essays on the table! I’m adding to this list day by day but here it is so far!

  • Finish my Cosplay outfit for MCM in May – I have most of the pieces now I just have to put it all together and get a few accessories
  • Start writing my own book, finally! – I still love writing but it’ll be so nice to just be in charge of what I’m writing, take my time and not have to show it to anyone until I’M ready. I have a few chapter plans and some great ideas, can’t wait to get them on to paper!
  • Read for FUN – Ohh I’m going to shrink my TBR pile!
  • Start my Youtube Channel – Keep your eyes peeled!
  • Go to Richmond Park – this one can wait until we get some sun.
  • Get some good sleep.
  • Buy my Kingston Uni Hoodie!
  • Get my haircut and eyebrows waxed, feel slightly more like a person and less like a werewolf…
  • Go to the V&A
  • Go to Madame Tussauds
  • Play my ukelele more
  • Write whatever I damn want
  • Get back into a gym routine!
  • Go to Durham to visit Ali’s family
  • Find a new car (sorry Harry, I think 20 is the year to retire)

It may looks like a lot but there are no pressure with these, they’re things I can pick up and then change my mind, things I’m in control of. Although job hunting will be happening soon, I’m taking a well deserved few weeks off to recharge and just do what I feel like and recharging my batteries.

As always I love to hear from you, what’s fun on your to-do list? Leave me a comment or a Tweet!

 

 

I found the beautiful image on Pinterest by the way!