Tag: blog

Getting ready for the year of the twenty something.

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In a few short hours I will end the last month of my teenage years and then in a few weeks embrace the title of 20 something for the next decade… Ask me a few months ago and I would have told you I am point blank refusing to enter my twenties, I will have my 18th birthday again and never grow up. Now it’s a different story. This month has been an odd one but I feel like it’s changed me so much already. It’s no secret that my teenage years were pretty rough, school was hell and it was in my teens that I experienced some of my deepest lows, a place I never want to go again. Now I’ve been able to put that behind me, it feels so freeing. My god I sound like a hippy. I’m still your straight up rock chick, the amount of Jack Daniels I managed to knock back last night pretty much certifies that, as does the long list of tickets that I’ve already bought for this year…oops. So I’ve written a list about some of the things I’m most proud of, this is only the start. 

 

Moving in with Ali wasn’t the only thing to change me, but it’s helped. It’s nice having someone to share dinner with and waking up next to him in the morning, it’s nice to know that when I go back to uni I’ll come back to smiles rather than my little room in halls. If I’m on a low it’s generally easier to handle, not all the time though (I’m still working that part out). I feel so happy and content and this is something I’ve waited for. We’ve made the right decision now this is our first little home together 🙂 

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I’m going out with friends Freshers was a bit tough for me, I wasn’t in the right mindset with all the changes to go out and party and I didn’t know what I wanted. I’ve been to club night twice now and had a girls night in London, something I wondered if I’d ever actually do. After my night out with Jen last night I’m planning another, this is a BIG deal for me and I’m really proud of myself for being able to do it and not letting my illness get the better of me. 🙂

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Jen and I last night on her 19th Birthday 

 

 

Sorting out my mental health  I’m going back to mentoring tomorrow after having to leave because I only get a certain amount of funding for each year. Honestly I’ve struggled this summer for a lot of different reasons. Ali and my Mum have helped a lot but it was hard being away from friends I’d made, missing the life I’m used to in Kingston. I want to focus this year on my strategies for lows. I know they may never completely go but at least with some help they’ll be more manageable. 

I love my job I’m in a job that I love. Student Ambassador doesn’t sound gruelling but it gives me so many opportunities. I got out and talk to kids who remind me of myself, I share my love for my uni and my subject. Now I get to write professionally, be a content editor and help with the media and marketing stuff. I learnt so much by just being in the office for a week and it’s cemented my passion for digital media. I love my job so much and after having more than one that I didn’t enjoy growing up it’s so refreshing to feel good at what I do! 

 

I don’t feel under pressure by the future. Who says when I should and shouldn’t do something? I’m not in a normal relationship, I’ve spent over a quarter of my life with Ali and I’m only 19. We’re not getting married any time soon because we both want to have careers, which we’re both getting on with. I’m going for internships  and continuing to write (work experience in now 100% confirmed for April 2015!!!!) and he’s getting work experience in his field as well as both of us throwing ourselves into the band. I’d be lying if I felt completely free, a lot of people I know are getting married and having children or have their ideal engagement rings in their head…I don’t think about all that too much. The only thing, which is slightly pressured is having children but that’s biological. Ali and I are happy and well, I think we’ve done one of the hardest bits by living together, now we’re just going to plod along and see what happens after we graduate. 

In short I’m ready to say goodbye to my teenage years and hello to my twenties. That said I will not be stopping eating Turkey Dinosaurs, ice lollies or raiding the sweet shop…ever. 

The uni couples

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In my first year of uni I saw a lot of love and not just the kind that only happens in a one night stand. Of course those happen, it wouldn’t be uni without the various hook ups when people roll out of Pryzm or at 2am. I want to use this post to just show people how diverse uni is when it comes to love. 

 

The Fresher’s hook up 

I’ve seen this one so many times! People go a bit crazy during freshers, get a bit flirty and anything from a kiss to well… So they hook up and then awkwardly avoid each other for the rest of the year praying they won’t have to start a conversation. 

The Flat Mate Romance

This one explains itself. Sounds like a bad idea. Probably is a bad idea. Wanna go for it? I’d leave it until the last month if I were you just so you have an escape route should you need one!

The Long Distance Couple 

I love these couples! I have a lot of friends in LD relationships. Don’t get me wrong it’s a hard time to deal with a LD relationship we’re all young, new people, new places etc but you CAN get through it, so many people do. Sometimes you sacrifice a night out or two to see them but it’s all worth it if you really love them. 

Coming out 

So many people come out at uni. Like I said you find out who you are, what you like and can really be whoever you want to be. Uni also has societies for LGBT people making it easier to have someone to talk to. 

The casual hook up (that lasts a year)

The are they? aren’t they? sort of couple. They’ll never admit how much they like each other but they’ve been having casual hooks ups all year and don’t seem to go for anyone else…

The couple that came to uni together 

This is me! My boyfriend and I decided when applying to go to uni’s close to each other or the same. Kingston was perfect because we had our own space, made our own friends and now we’re moving in together 😀 A lot of couples do this, maybe not at the same uni but in the same area.

The mistake…

Most people will have a relationship that was a mistake for so many reasons! It’s normal and human! Don’t beat yourself up when he/she doesn’t turn out to be ‘the one’ as much as they are the one you want to hit with a bus. 

Looking for love 

A lot of people come to uni looking for love…keep going there will be someone! 

The LOUD ones 

You know what I mean. They *cough* like they’ll die tomorrow and make sure everyone knows…

The ones who find their soul mate

Something like 25% of people find the person they go on to marry at uni, that could be you! 

 

 

A few days of hibernation

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Being completely well for over a month is a little suspicious to me, aside from the lows which are going to happen anyway, I’ve been well. So roll up, roll up let’s see what is going to take a whack at my immune system today! I’m kidding, I’ve been enjoying feeling healthy but the last few days have knocked me for six! I slept for 17 hours yesterday. 17 hours! 

My blog has been quiet, my Twitter and my Facebook. I felt absolutely awful for the past few days and was barely able to get out of bed, let alone write for you all. I was frustrated in the few times I was awake but as my Mum said, my body must have needed the rest if I just passed out the way I did only waking up for a drink of water and then falling asleep again. 

I’m slowly, but surely, on the mend and getting prepared for a very busy week as the festival is only 6 days away! I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet, I’ll be livening up soon enough! 

Updating the blog and thank you

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Those of you who follow my twitter may have seen an explosion of blog posts dated a while ago come up. I’m not advertising just clearing my backlog of blogs I didn’t post, didn’t finish etc. The next week or so I will be doing this but also posting my regular posts with pictures and my musings like this one. 

I wanted to use this post to say thank you to you all as well. My followers have gone crazy and in less than a year I nearly have 100 followers which means the world to me and gives me so much confidence in my writing when others in the field haven’t been so supportive. It’s a great feeling when people say I don’t have good writing skills I can pull this up and go well these guys don’t think so! My writing is always improving and scrolling back to September I can see the change regular writing has achieved. I hope to carry on and have an incredible second year for you all to read about. If you want something new I post a new book review every Sunday night at http://www.ihadtobuyanotherbookcas.wordpress.com please take a look if you want!

 

Thank you so, so much

 

Chloe 

 

Be your own cheerleader (I’m awesome!)

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I have one of THE most confident people in the world as a best friend. We got into a conversation a few days ago about being more confident and knowing when to applaud yourself, I know for a fact us Brits aren’t very good at it. Oh that’s another thing Rhys is American, that’s not to say that all American’s are super confident but it seems like there is a better attitude out there towards promoting yourself. 

I’ve been really up and down for the last few days, so when I started going down again today I decided to get out of the house and head to the library and try and write in the quiet. I ended up with a very different afternoon, a long walk in the sun, bumping into loads of people from school and college as well as an old teacher. While I was talking to people I realised something. I’m pretty awesome and I’ve done damn well. There I said it. It even feels awkward to write it down because, well, I don’t think that it’s something I’m really not used to. 

You know what though? I feel like it’s something that should be done more often, we should be able to shout out when we’ve done well and just be able to say (like Rhys does frequently) I’m awesome. We should be able to have that confidence when we walk into interviews or classes and just be like I know what I’m good at. Not in an arrogant way but just to be happy about what we can do and not always trying to play it down. 

So here’s mine: 

I’m great at being able to read and analyse for my degree, just send that first my way! 

I’m a great songwriter and performer 

My organised self has been known to save a lot of people’s asses! 

 

Be your own cheerleader or you may not have one! 

 

Post the reasons why you’re awesome below 🙂 

Dark clouds on a sunny day

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It needs to rain for the flowers to grow, everyone knows that. The quote may seem silly or ,shock horror, cliché but in situations like today it’s true. Despite the amazing news about being shortlisted for the ‘Rising Star’ award today was not a great day. I’m still struggling with my anxiety and have been feeling pretty low for a few days now, but because it’s me it’s very up and down. I don’t want people to worry about me because of this dip, it’s actually made me realise I’m doing the right things to help myself. If I feel down and I don’t have the time I’ll walk to uni and eat something small. I usually make myself busy so I’m not alone in the flat whihc can be very isolating.

Today was one of those days where I just couldn’t make myself happy, it was raining again and I was running late, a morning walk was out of the question. I was still tired and nervous about things coming up. Did I want to see anyone? Did I hell. I don’t have much to talk about because nothing really happened, I didn’t feel overly unhappy but I just felt ‘meh’ if anyone understands what I mean by that. It times like these where I know that I have a great support network around me, Ali, my family, staff at uni and some close friends who understand when I just need to be quiet and think about things.

I’ll mention Ali more than anyone else on this blog because he deals with every side of me and sometimes it’s hard on him as well as me. He knows I’m trying and usually he knows what to say. He knows when I need a hug or a nap, he knows when I need to be told to get up, give it another go and carry on. This has been the case with my driving lessons lately, the closer I get to taking a test the more I freak out, hence the anxiety attack at 8am on Monday morning while I was on the phone to my Mum. He knows how much I hate this. 

A lot of people as if I would get rid of the illness if I could. Of course I would, anyone would. There is nothing more frustrating than feeling miserable for no reason, especially when there are so many good things going on around me at the moment. It’s a pretty shitty feeling. That said I have learnt a lot about it, I’ve learnt a lot about myself and the world I live in. I think in some ways it has made me a better person. The thing is with uni is for the first time I can express how I feel, I can tell someone I’m feeling really stressed and anxious at the moment, I need some time. Or I can say I’m having a low day, I need to go home and relax for a bit or the opposite of calling someone and saying I need people around, can I see you? There are some silver linings to this, although I grant you I wouldn’t say there are many. I’m hoping that by writing this it means I’m finally coming out of the past few days, I know I’ll be ok. 

Some of my favourite pictures so far

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After a somewhat boring day I thought I would share with you some pictures I’ve taken on my camera. A bit different, but I’m learning to use it and wanted to share, I hope you enjoy!

DSC00002 My sister concentrating on Christmas day

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The closest I could get to a smile  

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Another AMAZING present that my Mum hunted down, a signed copy of The Fault in Our Stars by John Green!! 

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A scary little monster in the form of my cousin! 

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Pulling silly faces!

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My Grandparent’s living room

Image My amazing Grandparents! Image Another little monster 

Image Playing around on Christmas day1 

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Suki, when she finally stopped moving! 

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Playing around with the camera again! Image 

Ali took this one 

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Celebrating my first first! 

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My beautiful dog, Lottie

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The little monster looking a little bit more adorable

Girls are weird

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As you all may have noticed this piece has gone into the ‘my big mouth’ section of my blog. This is the part where I air my opinion and expect to get a bollocking from at least one person for it. Well this one should be a good one, that or I’ll be murdered in my sleep by angry women… 

I spend a lot of time with guy friends for example Joe, Ben, Rhys and others. At one point or another they all ask me the same question (not these boys in particular just general boys) ‘Why are girls so weird?’ I wish I knew the real answer to this or I could even explain it but the truth is boys, I agree with you. I think women in general are fucking weird. There are so many things to learn about girls and then there are sub groups, and then there are rules, and then there are the ones who think they are oppressed by EVERYTHING. You can tell by the amount of commas that my brain went into overdrive there. That is what it is like for men all the time. 

Don’t get me wrong I’ve met some lovely girls/women in my life and they can make me feel better than my guy friends occasionally. I’m telling you now though all the normal girls will admit that women have something in them that makes them go crazy. No boys, not their periods. It’s kinda like the whole thing with men and their man caves, that is also a real thing (the man in my life just happens to call it his recording studio…even if he sometimes uses it to watch videos on Reddit). Anyway, back to my point. It’s not always a bad kind of crazy ( but I have definitely experienced that  in the last year) but women are just complicated creatures to be honest.

Ok so lets take the body thing. I really feel for you men because there is NO RIGHT ANSWER stop trying to find it because until you find her you’re not even going to get close. My boyfriend has been with me 5 and a half years and even he can’t figure me out sometimes. Ok so as well as trying to be honest when they are asked how something looks they also have to deal with period drama. No not Downton Abbey but well, there is a lot of drama going down. Anyway, ask any girl and she’ll say that 90% of the time that she doesn’t even know how she feels when it’s her ‘time of the month’ (most irritating phrase ever) so how the bloody hells is a man supposed to know. Oh and then there are the girls who just wont take compliments, not in a low self esteem way, in a I’m looking for attention way. 

And then there is todays problem, the baby example. What is with girls and babies? What is with 16-19 year old girls and babies. I’ll admit I went through the stage where I thought they were the most adorbale thing ever and of course children were the best thing about life blah blah blah. Now they terrify me a little bit. Actually no it’s not babies that terrify me it’s having to grow one and then get it out of your body (niether way is ‘beautiful’ or pleasant, it’s all pretty gross) or in fact when it kicks and looks like it’s going to break out like a scene in alien. I know so many people with babies and I love my cousins and my friends kids, they’re great but the thought of me having one terrfies me. You are responsible for a whole other person! When I decide to have my own kids I’m sure I wont try and stick it in a rucksack or whatever but I really hope I don’t become a zombie ‘yummy mummy’. I want to still be able to see a band once in a while, still go to Nandos and not have to leave because of a screaming toddler. I hope I’ll read this in 10 years time and agree with myself, I might still think women are weird.

Anyway as you can probably tell my lovely readers I struggle with women my own age, not through a lack of trying I may add! I don’t understand make up, I wear whatever I want and I have pretty weird music tastes. For example my favourite Christmas song at the moment, Fairytale of New York by the Pogues, the only person in my Creative Writing class that understood how amazing it was was a guy…the girls wanted to listen to the Michael Buble album (which is pretty nice but you know, Fairytale of New York!).  If however you lovely ladies out there would like to adopt and try to convert me into being a ‘real girl’ you are welcome to give it a shot, I still can’t work it out after 19 years of trying. 

Please only apply if you are ok with the following, male approved,activities. 

– Burping 

– Snorting when  I laugh 

– Eating junk food

– Being honest (not ‘girl politics’) 

– Not being a radical feminist

Girls who definitely currently apply to this i.e  Amy, Sammy, Sonia, Lucy (s), Grace, Erin thank you for being women who give me hope in females (y).

 

Feeling inbetween

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It isn’t often that I pour my heart into this blog, generally speaking I really think about what I’m going to write. Tonight it’s more of a need to write more than anything. I’ve found that University doesn’t solve everything, it makes you think even more about things. Since being home I’ve just felt this kind of restlessness about it all. When I’m at home I just want to be at uni but when I’m at uni I’m unsure and miss home. I want to be the girl everyone loves and wants to be around. I desperately want to go on nights out and have endless friends and to some extent I do. I always know someone where ever I go at uni, the only exception to this is on the bus, where I go to escape some times. The majority of the time I love uni but sometimes I get agitated, sometimes I get bored and wonder why I’m paying so much money or why I pay rent for halls when about 3 times a week it’s impossible to sleep. After that the sensible part reminds me that I’m over reacting and to think of all the good points again and how hard I worked to be here. 

My mind never stops, I’ll debate all of this every other day and I’ll never get the same conclusion. I want to go out, I want to just have fun like everyone else but sometimes I can’t. Yes I’ll admit that I’ve been poorly and just as the anxiety settles down and I’m ready for a night out my kidneys flare up and I’m stuck with anxiety again. I think I need to make myself go out, who knows I might even enjoy it but it’s the initial going that is the problem. I hate to feel like I’m blaming my illness but my anxiety does make simple things that little bit harder to deal with. I also have an issue of being ahead, I’ve spend so long working independently that in first year working with others is proving really difficult for me. At college I was normally 2 or 3 assessments ahead of everyone else and sometimes I can’t do that here and it is really hard. I don’t know if this is just a part of me or if it’s linked to my illness or both, I try really hard not to relate absolutely everything to what I have because then you just become a stereotype or a label, something I don’t want to be. 

I wrote this because sometimes I just need to let it all out and this is how I do it. I hope this could help someone else at some point as well. I love uni but sometimes I don’t. I love home but sometimes I need to get away. I feel like I’m going insane but maybe that’s normal for a student. I’ll keep plodding along as see how I go. Let’s just say this is going to be a very long year full of ups and downs…. 

Hello September!

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Today is September the first, the beginning of a very important month. This month feels like a little bit of a count down with so many things going on! 

 

  • 1 Day until I get my boyfriend home!
  • 6 Days until I say goodbye to a lot of Basingstoke People 
  • 11 Days until I move to my halls 
  • 12 Days until I am fully enrolled 
  • 15 Days until freshers starts
  • 17 Days until my 19th Birthday
  • 18 Days until I see my family after moving 
  • 19 Days until freshers ball
  • 20 Days until Jess’ birthday in London! 
  • 22 Days until lectures start 
  • 26 Days until Paramore 

As you can see I have so much going on at times it gets a bit overwhelming. As with any fresher I imagine we all have feeling of how on earth will I do this? Sometimes (especially at night) I do get quite stressed and wonder how I’ll cope with university life.  Despite any fears I have about university they are usually discarded when I think about all the exciting things that will be happening too! Some of them are quite small things such as meeting a few friends I’ve made to go food shopping on my first evening, finding a nice pub to have a few ciders, finding my way around. Most people think that freshers is just alcohol the whole way through and I sure for a lot of people there is a lot of booze involved and club nights (the amount I’ve been invited to already is crazy!) but well that isn’t my scene. 

It’s odd but this is the first time in many years I haven’t completely dreaded September. For me the song Wake me up when September ends couldn’t have been more true. I’d spend so much time stressing and crying and saying I’m not going back. At my worst I was about to go into year 11, there were two sides of me one full of dread and one with some silly form of optimism. At this point I was at one of my lowest points at the beginning of that year unfortunately, all my friends had left and I’d already told my teachers in the previous year I wasn’t planning on coming back (thankfully they ignored me). Ali walked me to school that morning, I’m not sure if it was to make sure I went or just to give me the support I needed. Either way it worked, I walked through the gates and watched him leave before I met with a support assistant in the morning. I don’t remember what happened after that really but it was horrible how hysterical I was before and after.  It is honestly such a breath of fresh air to just be happy and excited about September and starting Univeristy that I can’t wipe this smile off of my face.

 

So what I’m really trying to say is

Hello September 

I’ve been waiting for you