Trusting yourself, and why it’s so important.

Now like many of you reading I have a very british sense when believing in myself. You know what I mean that, umm, err, well maybe I’m right, oh maybe I should just ask someone else.We’re not like the American’s it’s a new thing for us to shout about our accomplishments and being our own cheerleaders. So you can imagine me, only a week in to one of the biggest/most important jobs I’ve had in my life. I’ve taken over something and I’m managing it myself, queue panic, self doubt and breathlessness.

Yesterday I was plodding through emails and working from home. All of a sudden I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t understand some of the things being asked of me and felt like something was off. I tried to work around it but ended up emailing my boss and asking if she could go through it with me, if it was no bother of course (see there you go that English politeness again).

So today, as promised, she went through it with me. It turns out that the gut instinct was right, I should have trusted myself and not been stressed. It reminded me that sometimes kicking that politeness in the butt might be better. This was again  highlighted when she said I was doing a good job and I’ll get it,eventually.

Why am I writing this? Not because I felt like a diary entry (which some people have tried telling me this blog is), because I think that every now and again we all need reminding to trust ourselves. Yes you, reading right now, trust yourself because you’re a lot more clued up than you think.

Banishing Body Blues

Honesty time, I have spend this evening wallowing in my own self pity feeling awful and wanting to cry. Why? You ask? Not the injury, I haven’t failed anything (that I know of), nope I couldn’t fit into last years summer clothes. That’s it. Seems silly right? I’ve spent all evening trying to pal na blog but blocked by this big dark cloud of feeling worthless. So I write a blog (it sucked) and put on my iTunes to Emma Blackery, my favourite Youtuber, her song Perfect sits there. I’ve put it above because it’s such an uplifting song. I started listening to it and I was like yeah you know, I’m okay.

I might not be a size 8 any more and it sucks that some of my clothes don’t fit but right now I’m recovering. I can hardly walk but I’ve been crying over putting on weight? No logic there, right? My family, Ali and Friends tell me that it’s the least of my worries with a fractured spine, if there’s any time not to feel guilty about weight gain, it’s now.

I don’t want to be this critical of myself, if anything I think it’s just wanting control back of my body. It’s just letting me down and I hate it and there is nothing I can do, which hurts the most. Since I’ve been getting better from the depression I’ve wanted to be so positive and do things but I fall down sometimes and want to go back to bad habits. I’m still fighting and I wanted to share this song with you because I know that everyone has their own struggles, something I wrote about a couple of months back.

Am I completely happy and fine and cheery? No, that’s why I wrote this because if any of you are going through the same thing I want you to know it’s ok. I don’t want it to become this big disgusting secret and I might get crap for this but guess what I PUT ON WEIGHT. Just like all of us will at some point in our lives, I might put it on, lose it, I might never reach a size 8 again and I’ll never be the same size as my tiny sister. I’m trying to focus on the positives though, I’m smart, I’m going on a course in ATHENS for my work and can travel with my lovely boyfriend. It’s all about trying to put it in perspective and hopefully I can keep listening to the music until this cloud decides to go.

As always I’d love to talk to you guys so leave a comment! If you want to hear more about Emma Blackery you can also check out her YouTube channel, it’s brilliant. What are you waiting for, click the link here for her regular channel and here for lifestyle and advice!

The end of birthday week

I am writing this feeling more than slightly worse for wear. Last night was…well actually very cheap because everyone bought me drinks. That said though I also consumed them and, well it’s only your birthday once a year. This years birthday has been incredible, a whole week of friends, family, celebrations, beautiful gifts and amazing messages from people that I love so, so much. If this week has taught me anything it is just how lucky I am right now and how happy I can be. I’ve had a week without slip ups or major lows. Obviously it can’t be my birthday every week but hopefully these memories will help me when I’m feeling a little down.

Saturday was off to see Wicked for Amy’s birthday surprise it has been so, so hard not to tell you all because I’ve been SO  excited! The show was great (as always) and is one of my favourites. I used to perform songs from it back when I did musical theatre and last saw it 5 or 6 years ago with my school. Now I’m older I appreciate just how, well, dark the plot really is. I won’t spoil it but the ending is my favourite part. We then went over to Wagamamas (my first) before racing to Waterloo to get back to Kingston for my birthday drinks.

IMG_0381 Outside the theatre 

I got to the drinks later than I thought but more people turned up than I realised. We all crammed around a table in Wetherspoons and let the drinks, selfies and chat begin. The best part?! JEN IS BACK!!!! WAHOOOO Jen being away was really hard for me and I missed her really badly. Ben is also back too and surprised me with chocolate. I drank a lot, laughed a lot and ended up going home earlier than I intended *cough, cough* accompanied by my friend Lex who came from Central to see me.

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More than anything I’m just so grateful and that’s how I want to end this post, to anyone and everyone who wished me a happy birthday, made time to see me, came out with me, sent me something, everyone. I love you all and thank you so much *raises glass* here’s to being 20.

 

 

 

 

 

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Birthday presents from Jen, my girl knows me well!

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How today ended up, nothing like a McDonalds to get you over a hangover. 

The new adult

As of tomorrow I won’t be fixing teen to the end of my age any more. I’ll feel more like an adult than I ever did at 18, I have a flat, bills to pay and work hard at my job as well a studying. I’m actually having to think about the future a bit and what I want. Like many other people my age, it terrifies me but it’s also the calmest I’ve felt in years. I know that makes no sense, at all.

I have a lot going on at the moment in every area of my life, that is except with Ali. We’ve been together for 6 years and moved in together. Apart from the getting used to living with each other and not have to actually plan to see him, it works better that way. That said 20 carries a lot of expectation and baggage.

Excuse my french but well, fuck me let’s all get married and have babies as soon as we get to our twenties. That’s what people seem to do. The next 10 or 20 years of my life will be spent trundling through weddings, baby showers and christenings. Not my idea of fun.

At the same time I will hopefully be doing something that doesn’t bore me to tears, don’t get me wrong I love my friends and family but being in a stable relationship doesn’t mean I don’t want fun and adventure. I want to go places next summer, Greece is looking good, Italy is a possibility as well as going to different parts of the UK to explore. I’m just about to hit 20 and the next 5 years  I hope are going to be different, exciting. Go on tour, work on the city.

Will I do the normal things?  Yes I don’t doubt that but I’d rather be fun about it. It might be young and silly but I want to do things my own way. I want to have a life that is my own, not in a selfish way but I want to have kids and show them things, not let them rule my life. I’ll do what my parents did I’ll still go abroad but I’ll take them, I’ll still see friends even if they come with me. I’ve spent the past 6 years with a boyfriend trying not to be one of those annoyingly sickening couples, which I’m sure we won’t be.

So I’m going into the new time of adult and kissing my teens goodbye. Am I scared? Yes. Am I excited? Definitely. Are there days where I want to crawl into bed and shout I’m not growing up, never, ever, ever!? Of course there are.

So I’m entering something I have no idea about, let’s see how this goes…