Book Review: The Storyteller – Jodi Picoult

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Imagine living a life where destroying others made you a good person.

Imagine living a life where the monsters you imagined suddenly became real. 

Imagine a revelation and story leaving you trying to make sense of the world

past and present.

This review was originally published in 2013, I was incredibly lucky that Jodi and her publishers became aware of it and posted it worldwide, I also got the opportunity to speak to Jodi and it was one of the best days of my life. So here is the piece of work that means the most to me.

Welcome to the world of The Storyteller, Jodi Picoult’s brand new and breathtaking novel. From the very beginning you are caught up in Picoult’s world, arguably more seamlessly than any other novel. Yet again she has created an entire novel from a simple moral question, someone who committed murder asks for your forgiveness, what would you do? Ok maybe it’s a little bit more complicated but this simple seed quickly branches out and has you deep in thought as you read. Sage Singer is a baker, she works at night alone as she cannot face the world seeing her scars, she later meets an elderly man who for the first time is someone she can talk to apart from her boss.  Imagine he tells you he needs your help, he wants you to help him die but before you do that you need to forgive him for helping to murder millions of people. Hooked yet? I certainly was.

A bit of context might help here. I waited for months and months for this novel to be released, imagine how excited I was when my boyfriend managed to get hold of a copy for me from the United States before it was released in the U.K. The novel combines some of my favourite things, Jodi Picoult novels, historical fiction, learning about the Holocaust and divided perspective, oh and a poke at Fifty Shades of Grey ( I did chuckle a lot at one simple joke). My own personal fascination with the Holocaust both the survivors and those lost started when I was looking at the period at the age of 11, I would trawl through accounts of the survivors both horrified and hooked at the same time. I think this is what makes The Storyteller even more fascinating, from picking up any of Picoult’s novel you will know that she does her research thoroughly but this is something else entirely. On the one hand you have the character of Minka who tells the story of a Holocaust survivor, an incredible tale. I had to remind myself that this was fictional, simply as the sheer amount of detail that has gone into Minka’s section was amazing if you were given this and not told it was written by an author you would genuinely believe it was a real survivor’s story. What is incredible also is how Picoult has woven Minka’s story ideas into the novel, at first I was a little thrown but they match the plot line perfectly and give really interesting ideas that I never would of thought of on my own and show the humanity in others as well.   To combat this however the reader is also given an equally shocking story beforehand, although this one made me sick to the stomach. SS officer Josef’s story was beyond belief, from the beginnings of Nazi Germany where young boys were pretty much brainwashed into being brutes (not that I think this is an excuse at all)  and then either went insane from their ‘duties’ or had to drink themselves stupid just to try and  forget  (see even you are feeling some mild sympathy, the brilliance of the author!), because at the end of the day no matter how monstrous and vile they were human…one point in time at least.

I cannot fault this novel in any way (as my readers will know if I don’t like something, I really don’t like something) and ending was incredible and so shocking not even a hardcore fan could work it out! The different perspectives are incredible too because it leave you having sympathy for characters you really feel you shouldn’t. I think that although Minka and Josef’s story will dominate the reader, Sage and another character (who I will not give away as I don’t want to ruin the surprise) present a modern perspective which is needed in this type of novel. The division Sage feels towards Josef as an old man and him in his youth tears the reader apart too, so does her turmoil over her grandmother, a Holocaust survivor. I cried though this novel, sometimes I had to put it down because it was so hard to process but within minutes it was back in my hands. Why do I like The Storyteller most of all though? Because even in one of the darkest parts of history and in the presence of the most revolting crimes against humans you still feel that there is light, that humanity still exists.

So to end, this novel made me want to live, it made me want to live for those who survived and those who didn’t.

***** five stars (although this doesn’t seem enough) released in the UK on the 26th March.

Chloe Metzger – a lifelong fan.

I have something to tell you!!

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I have been trying to keep this in for what feels like SO long, although it’s actually been a few weeks. My band, No People Club, have been booked to go back to Basingstoke Live again this year on the MAIN STAGE! Basingstoke Live is the biggest free festival in the South East!  Now, I love the Amped tent, I’ve been regularly sitting for hours every summer watching the acts and I’ve played it twice but this is a new adventure. We will be on the biggest stage at 7pm, eeeek! I’ve watched this stage for years and it’s so big and just looked like so much fun and we got the email on a day where I really needed cheering up. We’re all about to graduate and don’t know what the future holds for the five of us, but you can be damn sure we’re going to party it up!

 

Get to know me – 100 random questions

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For the past week I know there have been some heavy posts for Mental Health Awareness Week, thank you to everyone to read, commented, contacted me it meant a lot. For tonight, however, I thought I’d so something a little fun and a post that meant my new followers and subscribers could get to know me a little better! So here are 100 random questions!

Who is your hero?

J.K Rowling I think, someone who didn’t give up. A true hero to me.

If you could live anywhere, where would it be?

In a large house that has a personal library, gym room and pool. You know, not much.

What is your biggest fear?

Losing the people I love.

What is your favourite family vacation?

Florida!!

What would you change about yourself if you could?

That I didn’t care what others thought of me.

What really makes you angry?

When people think mental health is a joke.

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What motivates you to work hard?

My past and how good my future can be.

What is your favorite thing about your career?

I don’t have one yet!

What is your biggest complaint about your job?

When people don’t look for themselves before asking me.

What is your proudest accomplishment?

Right now, my KU Talent Award but in a few month’s time achieving my degree 🙂

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What is your child’s proudest accomplishment?

I mean the only children I have are my hamsters…they’re late night gymnastics.

What is your favourite book to read?

Harry Potter.

What makes you laugh the most?

Ali, it’s one of the many reasons I love him.

What was the last movie you went to? What did you think?

Civil War! So good!

What did you want to be when you were small?

It regularly changed, but it was definitely musical theatre actress for a long time and I really tried hard.

What does your child want to be when he/she grows up?

WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP ASKING ABOUT MY NON EXISTENT CHILDREN. When I have kids they can be whatever they want to be.

If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would it be?

Be a guy, because it’s something I’ll never be able to experience.

What is your favourite game or sport to watch and play?

None, I’m not a sports person.

Would you rather ride a bike, ride a horse, or drive a car?

I’d love to go back and ride a horse with no worries, but I guess I’ll just stick to a car for now 🙂

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What would you sing at Karaoke night?

Some upbeat pop punk!

What two radio stations do you listen to in the car the most?

If I listen to the radio it’ll be Heart or Radio 1.

Which would you rather do: wash dishes, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom, or vacuum the house?

Vaccum the house, easiest and less gross.

If you could hire someone to help you, would it be with cleaning, cooking, or yard work?

Probably the garden, if I had to pick one, don’t like people being in some parts of my home, it’s a calm space I don’t want invaded.

If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Breaded Chicken and Chips 🙂

Who is your favourite author?

Hard choice, such a hard choice. J K Rowling probably, closely followed by Jodi Picoult.

Have you ever had a nickname? What is it?

Chlo-bo, because it rhymed.

Do you like or dislike surprises? Why or why not?

I like them if I know nothing until I’m surprised. If I’m told about it and have to wait then I hate it.

Would you rather vacation in Hawaii or Alaska and why? 

Definitely Hawaii, I’ve always wanted to go and see the culture, the beaches, the sights.

Would you rather win the lottery or work the perfect job?

If I won the lottery I’d have the time to become a writer, if I had the perfect job I’d be a writer. So either one is good 🙂

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Who would you want to be stranded on a desert island with? 

Ali, I already know I can live with him and have a good time.

If money was no object, what would you do all day? 

Write, read and be creative.

If you could go back in time what year would you travel to? 

1986, I’d go and see Queen live at Wembley.

How would your friends describe you?

Funny, Hardworking, Loving

What are your hobbies? 

Writing, Reading, Sketching, Cosplay

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What is the best gift you’ve ever been given? 

My rings, one from Ali, one from my parents. They mean the most of me.

What’s the worst gift you’ve ever received? 

Gone off chocolate

Aside from necessities, what one thing could you not go a day without?

My phone, it keeps me connected to everything.

List two pet peeves 

Rude People and People who don’t cover their nose and mouth when they cough/ sneeze.

Where do you see yourself in five years? 

With a house, a job I enjoy and I’m good at and married…we’ll see about anything else.

How many pairs of shoes do you own? 

So many I haven’t even counted.

If you were a superhero what powers would you have? 

Telekinesis.

What would you do if you won the lottery? 

Buy a big house, remodel a lot of it, put in a library and indoor pool, take my family on a huge shopping spree, buy a new car, get a load of pets. SO MUCH TO DO. Basically I’d want to treat everyone I love as well as myself. Think of all the books I could buy…all the books.

What form of public transport do you prefer? 

The train, as long as I can sit down.

What’s your favourite zoo animal? 

Monkeys/ Gorillas. I just want to play with them all.

If you could go back in time and change something what would it be? 

I don’t think I’d change anything because of the repercussions it might have on my life now. Everything happens for a reason.

If you share a meal with and 4 individuals, living or dead, who would it be? 

J.K Rowling, Freddie Mercury, Sylvia Plath and Hayley Williams.

How many pillows do you sleep with?

As many as possible. At the flat 2 big fluffy ones, at my Mum’s 2 normal pillows then about 4 small pillows. I like pillows.

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What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep and why? 

I think about 24 hours, probably after a long flight.

What the tallest building you’ve been to the top in?

The Shard I think.

Would you rather trade intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence? 

Looks for intelligence, because that won’t fade.

How often do you buy clothes? 

Probably more than I should…I don’t let myself go into Primark anymore.

Have you ever had a secret admirer? 

Nope.

What’s your favourite holiday? 

Hmm it’s between Florida and Greece, very different atmospheres.

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What’s the most daring thing you’ve ever done? 

I think horse riding.

What’s the last thing you recorded on TV? 

I actually can’t remember, I can’t record any TV in the flat!

What was the last book you read? 

I Call Myself a Feminist.

What’s your favourite type of foreign food? 

Italian, closely followed by Chinese.

Are you a clean or a messy person? 

Whenever I’m productive, I’m messy.

Who would play you in a movie of your life? 

Emma Stone.

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

From waking up to getting out the door (including breakfast) about an hour- an hour and a half.

What kitchen appliance do you use every day? 

Kettle, I need a good cup of tea to function. If I don’t have the time I have to get one to go.

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What’s your favourite fast food chain? 

Probably KFC

What’s your favourite family recipe? 

Bacon Pasta

Do you love or hate roller coasters? 

It used to be love but I’m not sure now, haven’t been able to go on one in so long!

What’s your favourite family tradition? 

Easter Egg Hunt

What’s your favourite childhood memory?

Watching the parade at Disneyland Paris

What is your favourite movie? 

Too hard to choose, NEXT!

How old were you when you learned Santa wasn’t real? How did you feel?

…Older than I want to admit and very sad.

Is your glass half full or half empty? 

Half full 🙂

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What’s the craziest thing you’ve done in the name of love? 

I’m not sure…

What 3 items would you take with you on a desert island? 

Chest full of books, Nutella and my old teddy bear.

What was your favourite subject in school? 

English or Drama

What’s the most unusual thing you’ve ever eaten? 

Nothing, I’m not adventurous with food.

Do you collect anything? 

Harry Potter memorabilia and Funko Pop Vinyls

Is there anything you wish would come back into fashion? 

Nope, not a fashion person, I just wear what I like.

Which or your five sense would you say is the strongest? 

Smell, definitely smell.

Have you ever had a surprise party? (that was actually a surprise) 

Nope!

Are you related or distantly related to anyone famous? 

Not in the slightest.

What do you do to keep fit? 

Gym once a week at least, more if I possibly can.

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Does your family have a motto – spoken or unspoken? 

Not that I know of?

If you were ruler of your own country what would be the first law you would introduce? 

Two days a month are given off of school, work etc so that people can be creative for a full 48 hours.

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Who was your favorite teacher in school and why?

Mrs McGrath when I was little she was amazing and taught me so much about art and history and encouraged my love of music, english and drama.

What three things do you think of the most each day?

Food, my writing, family and friends.

If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

Extreme caution when tired.

What song would you say best sums you up?

No idea, it really depends on my mood.

What celebrity would you like to meet at Starbucks for a cup of coffee?

Emma Stone.

Who was your first crush?

I can’t remember at all.

What’s the most interesting thing you can see out of your office or kitchen window?

People on the street below

On a scale of 1-10 how funny would you say you are?

I’d say a good 7

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? 

In a good job position and with children.

What was your first job? 

Working at a cinema.

If you could join any past or current music group which would you want to join?

The 6th Spice Girl.

How many languages do you speak?

One.

What is your favourite family holiday tradition? 

Breakfast at the airport.

Who is the most intelligent person you know? 

One of my lecturers, his mind is incredible.

If you had to describe yourself as an animal, which one would it be? 

Dolphin – playful, loyal, intelligent, waterlover.

What is one thing you’ll never do again? 

Live with people I’ve never met before.

Who knows you best? 

Ali, he knows absolutely everything there is to know, we have no secrets.

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Anything else you want to ask? Leave me a comment below!

Mental Health Awareness Week -Sunday Seven: How YOU can help support someone with a mental illness

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Here’s my final Mental Health Awareness Week post, enjoy!

Be there 

The most important part of my support system was knowing that people were there for me. It didn’t matter if I spoke to them or not, knowing I could pick up the phone and just have someone be there meant the world.

Ask what would help them 

A lot of people say to me that they don’t know how to help someone who has a mental illness. The easiest way to help someone it ask them what they need, sometimes they might just need someone around or a quiet evening to the cinema or something. If you don’t ask, you’ll never know.

Understand that sometimes people just need to be alone 

On the other hand, sometimes a part of the illness means that you just want to be alone. When I was really struggling I locked myself away from friends because I didn’t want them to see me and I just felt exhausted all the times. It isn’t you, it’s just a part of the illness.

Stand up against stigma

Hear someone making a ‘crazy’ joke? See a stereotype of someone with a mental health condition? Or how about the costumes of a ‘mental patient’ that pop up at halloween? Standing up against these portrayals is one way to help.  Also being an ally to those with a mental health condition by supporting rights and in the media is a way to help.

Don’t treat them differently

There’s nothing worse than being treated differently once you tell people you have an illness. We’re still the same people we were before we told you, you don’t need to tiptoe around us or change our relationship because of it.

Keeping inviting them to things! 

This is my pet hate, even if I’ve been on a low or I’ve not accepted the invite before, you never know when will be the day I feel well enough to say yes! There are tough days, but that’s not every day, this kind of goes with the above.

Remember that no matter what, they’re still them inside. 

Don’t forget that, if nothing else.

Image from Pinterest.

 

 

Mental Health Awareness Week : Today 

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Today I needed to be away from a screen, I needed a warm bath, a nap and quality time with Ali. Basically I needed to take some time for myself because I’m tired and a little low but I know after a good nights sleep I should be much better and ‘fuzzy head’ should clear, at least a little. 
Love, 

Chloe 

Mental Health Awareness Week : Where I am now?

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I’m a very open person when it comes to talking about mental health, I’ll share my ups and my downs and have been online for 3 years now in the hope that it will help others to talk. It’s been raised more than once whether I worry if being so open will hinder my chances of getting a job, something I’ve written about before. I’m a firm believer of using your past to enhance your present and not being ashamed of who you are. I write about mental health often because I refuse to be ashamed of this part of me and I know that it’s just one part of me! I’m so much more than one diagnoses, I’m a daughter, sister, partner, friend, writer, blogger, musician, book reader, former horse rider, world traveller, the list goes on.

I also think it’s important to take stock of how far I’ve come every now and again, because I’m thankful for the opportunities I’ve had. While I’ve been at uni I’ve learnt to deal with depression and anxiety, I’ve learnt methods to stop the thoughts before they get too much. I’ve had jobs that I’ve fallen in love with and have made me genuinely happy and excited to go to work, something I hope to continue. When I started university I wasn’t sure of myself, had very low self confidence and was so, so anxious. I remember trying to go out drinking in a club for the first time and being paralysed with fear, I came home and cried begging to be normal for once. Then in second year I went the opposite way, all my new friends went out a lot and go drunk, I hadn’t had a close group of friends like this so I did that too, even though I was going off of the effects alcohol. It took a long time but now I feel comfortable with myself enough to just tell people I don’t drink  to get drunk, it doesn’t make me happy in the slightest and the people who matter accept this.

When I look at the girl I was on my first day to who I am now I’m impressed with myself. I’ve overcome a lot to get where I am today and that doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes have days where I’m low and struggling or nights where I can’t sleep because my mind is going 100 mph. With my sessions with my mentor, blogging, living I’ve learnt and am still learning ways to just live alongside my illness, just like anyone else with an illness would. For three years now I’ve tried to notice what makes it better, what makes it worse and when I just need to step back and breathe for a minute.

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3 years ago the thought of having to get busses and possibly getting lost was enough to send me into a panic attack, this was one of my ways to feel better, sending silly selfies to Ali to make me less anxious. Now I don’t even think twice about busses. 

What I know, and what I want others to know, is that having a mental health condition doesn’t make you any less of a person. Actually, I think what I’ve had to go through has made me a better and stronger person. The hours in A & E when I was a kid checking the bullies hadn’t broken my bones, the sneers from other kids because I was ‘fat, ‘ugly’, a ‘slut’ or ‘couldn’t sing'(none of which were true but to a 15 year old it hurts), the kids who would find my blogs leave comments and then try and embarrass me in class, the fact it was better for my health for me to study from home, the fights, the bruises, everything else they tried to do,  ALL OF IT. People ask if I wish it had never happened, I’ve gotten to the  point now where I think if that hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be the strong, smart, independent woman I am today. If this didn’t happen it might not have triggered my illness, sure but I choose to look at the positives. Being honest and open about my life and experiences has meant that I’ve met incredible people, made amazing friends, won awards, it’s all about what you do with a shitty situation when you’re well enough.

I had rough times, times where I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel and I wondered what was the point. I never want to feel that way again and that’s what drives me. I also want other people not to feel alone and if my blog can show one person that your diagnoses isn’t your life then I’ve done what I wanted to do. Mental illnesses are annoying but they don’t mean that you can’t have a life, it might have to pause for a while but that’s ok, when you’re ready you can take baby steps to put it all back together again.  Right now I’m feeling ok, a little anxious because I don’t know what the future holds but I just remind myself nearly all 3rd years feel that way. All I know is that I’m going back to Basingstoke a different girl to the one who left, one who’s 100% stronger and more kick ass.

My Top 10 books featuring Mental Health

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I love reading about mental health, I love characters who feel real to me who can educate others about all the different experiences. My Mum once asked me if it made me more depressed to read about others and it really doesn’t. On a bad day it might be a little bit more difficult but I’ll put the book down and do something else and go back later on. When I read these books I feel educated about other illnesses or other symptoms, I’m reminded that this is just a PART of a person, not everything about them and I feel comforted, like being in some kind of family of people who understand. One day I aim to write my own book about mental health, I have ideas for both fiction and nonfiction, but I’ll let you know more about that when I manage to start it! The books listed aren’t in any particular author but I loved them all and they each taught me something. Enjoy!

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The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath

As my regular readers know I absolutely adore Sylvia Plath, so much so I wrote my Undergraduate dissertation on her work (see here if you want to know more!). Plath is known as much for her suicide as her work, which is a sad fact. The Bell Jar, however, was focused on Plath’s younger life as a college student who’s confused to say the least and the impact this has on her mental health. Few novels have spoken to me in the way this one has, one of my ultimate favourites, written in a time where women couldn’t speak about mental illness, but Sylvia defied them all.

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Reasons to Stay Alive – Matt Haig

Haig’s book is recent but now well known. This book is for not only people living with a mental health condition but also for their loved ones. The tone of the book is refreshingly honest and open, imagining conversations between past and present self and really showing you that life is worth living, even if it tries to kick your butt. See my review here.

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Brave Girl Eating- Harriet Brown

Memoirs like this appear to be few and far between, while we’re used to reading memoirs from survivors of eating disorders it’s uncommon to read the perspective of the family around them. Brave Girl Eating is written by a mother who is watching her daughter starve herself to death, it’s about trying to understand and support her while dealing with her own emotions and caring for the rest of her family. An incredible book I could not recommend enough.

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It’s Kind of a Funny Story – Ned Vizzini

The first YA novel in this list, Vizzini really understood what he was writing about and how to portray it. The best thing about this novel is the way in which recovery was written about and how people hide their illness. Lovable characters and a great ending too. Read my review here.

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All of the Above – Juno Dawson

This novel really reminded me of the importance of friends in the face of mental illness. I’m a firm believer that having friends who have been mentally ill is one of the most precious things, having someone that understands and has been through what you’re going through is such a relief. Dawson takes us on a rollercoaster of emotions with this novel I laughed, I cried and I loved all of the characters. A definite must read.

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The Time In Between – Nancy Tucker

Nancy’s memoir of life with an eating disorder was both charming and fascinating. I also admired the fact that she refused to use numbers in the memoir, as she didn’t want it to encourage anyone else with an eating disorder, she is very mindful of this. The book goes through not only Nancy’s fight and recovery but also the reasons behind her eating disorder as she understands what they are. Wonderfully written and well thought out too.

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The Skeleton Cupboard – Tanya Byron

Another memoir that shows a fascinating perspective. We often forget that mental health professionals are people too. The novel follows the now well known Tanya Byron’s early years training to be a clinical psychologist dealing with the reason she chose this path, her patients, supervisors and the emotional hardships of doing this work. It made me really think of all the people working in mental health and appreciate all that they have to go through.

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The Illustrated Mum – Jacqueline Wilson

Wilson never shied away from dealing with difficult subjects in children’s novels. The Illustrated Mum was my first encounter with mental illness in literature, of course I didn’t really understand at the time but I just accepted that the Mum was poorly. That was that. The older I get I realise how heartbreaking this book was and how much it might help children with mentally ill parents to know they’re not alone. Dolphin and Star’s Mum has tattoos all over her body, a big temper and the girls manage as best as they can with her various moods, as an older reader I now understand that the Mum has Bipolar Disorder. These kind of books teach kids about different people and situations, I think Wilson’s books made me the empathic person I am today. Even as an adult this is worth a read.

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Wishful Drinking and Shockaholic – Carrie Fisher 

For my last two I have included Carrie Fisher’s memoirs. They’ve had mixed reviews on amazon and goodreads but personally I loved them. Carrie talks openly about shock therapy, the influence her childhood had and the life she lived alongside having undiagnosed bipolar disorder. The best part though is Carrie’s humor, I like it when people can still have humor talking about mental health, because we’re still people and it’s about knowing what’s appropriate. The only downside to these is that they’re short, I’d love to have known more BUT these were also used when Carrie went on tour with them so I understand. Either way for me humor is vital in defeating low days and Carrie certainly has a lot of it!

 

 

 

Feeling your heart beating – Exercise and Mental Health

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If you’d have told me 5 years ago that I would fall in love with the gym and it would become a kind of therapy I would have laughed at you. I was the clumsy kid who was awful at sports even from the first year of school…I look like a chicken when I run. I also get red, sweaty and gross whenever I do any sort of exercise and so when I tried to go to the gym at my college and beautiful skinny girls were draped over machines posing rather than working out I decided that maybe I wasn’t meant to  do sport, that’s cool. In fact I was more than fine with that fact.

Fast forward to when I found horse riding, I’d been told exercise was really helpful for people with depression but, let me tell you, in my darkest times I just saw myself as a chubby teenager with dodgy knees, you don’t like yourself and you don’t want to be around other people. I basically could go to the school gym, then the college gym, full of kids who couldn’t stand me and the thought of exercising in front of them sent me into a tear filled panic attack at 16. I looked into sports in the first year of university and found nothing that interested me, honestly I think I was so anxious about everything I didn’t let myself even think  about joining a team. By second year I felt more comfortable, signed up for horse riding and fell in love. I worked hard, only ever missing one lesson because I was sick and would always come away feeling lighter. That was a solid 30 minutes of the week where my troubles disappeared I had to work on my body, the horse’s body and making them work together. This was my first taste of exercise making me feel mentally and physically better in a long time.

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When I broke my spine and knew I probably wouldn’t be riding again it broke my heart. Not only had I lost the connection with the horses and my hobby, I’d lost a way to make my mental health better. I was scared, on a lot of painkillers and not ashamed to admit that I did slip back into depression after the accident for a long time. I’d gone from feeling like Jessie the Cowgirl, ready to try jumping and hack across Richmond park in the near future to the news that riding wasn’t going to happen. I still don’t know. It wasn’t until I was fit enough to start going to group physiotherapy in the rehabilitation gym that I found another way to get the hormones pumping and kick my negative thoughts back into gear.

In physio gym no one cares what you look like, everyone has their own struggles and a lot of us had pain while working out. Everything was very slow and most people were 15 years older than me and above. I could try and get into some kind of groove again under the watchful eye of a physiotherapist so my spine didn’t freak out, that was all the way back in November. Now I try and go to the gym weekly, I have the best gym buddy and although I’m still not very fast I’m getting there step by step. I left the gym after a session today with the biggest smile, in part because of my dazzling company and the other because I was covered in sweat and happy that my body had gotten a workout (my back can only sometimes manage a light walk but today, thankfully, was not one of those days.

Feeling my heart beating reminds me I’m going to be ok, just like the Sylvia Plath quote – ‘I am, I am, I am’. Sometimes you just need reminding that your head doesn’t control everything, because on a day here or there it can feel like that. I know that for some reading this, they might not be in a place where they feel they can exercise, getting out of bed is difficult enough and I understand, I’m not here to be preachy, just to say I was like you and keep going. Exercise isn’t going to have this result for everyone and it’s not the only thing I use to keep myself going, it’s’ a combination of talking, writing, exercise, being creative and working… keeping busy.

What helps you guys? Do you exercise or spend time doing something else? Let me know!

 

Be sure to check out my other posts for Mental Health Awareness Week on the home page!

Todays mood update: Tired and a little overwhelmed this afternoon due to a flat visit but right now I’m feeling pretty chilled out and happy, the gym session obviously worked!

Mental Health Awareness Week: The Medication Debate

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Medication is a huge debate whether you have a mental illness or not. It’s something that definitely needs to be spoken about more, in fact I think it’s one of the biggest reasons that people are reluctant to talk about mental illness. There are some people that are of the opinion that those who take medication are taking the ‘easy way out’ or mean that people don’t want to try, as someone with experience neither of these are true. The other extreme belief is that all medication turns you into a zombie, someone who can’t think or do anything for themselves, again an image of simply giving up.

From my own personal experience and the experience of every single person I’ve spoken to about medication it is definitely NOT the easiest solution. While it’s right to say that medication is not for everyone  and some people don’t want to take them, that’s fine. For me I’d tried so many other things counselling being the main route, trying to sleep properly, nothing was working. I was emotionally and physically exhausted when a doctor asked me if I just wanted to try and see how it goes, because I looked completely at the end of my teather. That was the first time and I freaked out about the stigma surrounding them and I just quit, I was done. Then a while later I got at a low stage again and decided to give it a go, the side effects were horrendous. I didn’t sleep for three days, I felt sick all the time, I was sick, I called my doctor to ask if this was normal (it was my first experience of insomnia) who said give it a few more days and see. Luckily this time I carried on, after a few adjustments, reviews and such I eventually settled.

There are a lot of horror stories and it’s rare for someone to go on medication and it be right for them instantly. There’s usually a lot of adjustments, a lot of change. A lot of people ask me why, why put this in your body? For a long time I struggled, who was I, why did my stupid body need these tablets? I really beat myself up constantly. I didn’t want to be someone who relied on medication to function, I didn’t feel normal. That said I could see changed after about a month, it’s hard to describe online, hell it’s even hard to describe in person. It’s like for a long time I was walking around with this fog in my head, everything I did felt wrong, heavy and even when I was happy there was something in me that constantly tugged at my happiness. When the medication worked I wasn’t fixed, but the fog cleared and I could finally think and see things clearer. After I took my medication I started to go back to who I was before the depression took hold of me and I started trusting myself again.

It took a long time but my mentor reminded me of this quote:

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I wasn’t scared of the medication, it helped me after years of just feeling like I was drowning I had some calmness. No one would ever dream of telling a diabetic not to take insulin because of the fact ‘it changes their body’ well, yeah that’s the point. While there are some negative aspects of medication and again, it’s not for everyone BUT it can help. Who has the right to dictate whether or not someone should take something if it does make them feel better, if it enables them to tackle the day or makes the tough days a little bit easier.

It’s the same for me with anything medical, if it’s not your body then you can’t really dictate anything. I truly believe that unless you’ve been through something you can’t judge someone else. Stigma related to taking a medication that makes you well doesn’t really make any sense to me. Like I said, it’s not the easy way out, a quick fix or anything like that without going to see a mentor once a week for a long time my medication wouldn’t have been very effective. People need to work through their problems or the root cause of their depression, sometimes medication makes it a little clearer and a little easier to talk about.

I refuse to be ashamed of treatment for a health condition, neither should you.

 

As always let me know your comments, questions and just generally chat below!

 

Today’s MH Update: Felt a little overwhelmed today and did have a bit of a crumble BUT now feeling very positive and happier!

 

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Mental Health Awareness Week 2016 on chloemetzger.com

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MHAW

This week is Mental Health Awareness Week, as my regular readers know I’m really big on promoting awareness, sharing my own experiences with mental health and just generally getting mental health in every day conversation. Whether we like it or not there’s still a stigma attached to mental health issues and it’s not the way it should be BUT with weeks like this we can end the stigma sooner rather than later.

This week I’ve decided to relate all my posts to raising awareness of mental health. I’ve got posts planned around my experience, opinions, books related to mental health, motivation – it’s all going to be going on over here! As always I’d love to hear for you in the comments, on Twitter. I’ve found that when I’m really not doing well Twitter is one of the places I can talk to people to understand and generally be in a better mood.

I also want to do an honest mood update each day, because sometimes I can go a few weeks of feeling fine and then it’ll go downhill, it’s the ways of having Depression. For today I’ve been really sleep deprived so my mood hasn’t been the best, I’m at a really overwhelming point in my life and everything’s changing so I think that’s to be expected.

I can’t wait to write this week and raise as much awareness as possible! As always leave comments and questions below!