There’s not much for me to really say in this post because this picture really says it all, the beauty of autumn. I think I’ve decided that autumn is now my favourite season, back into jeans, jumpers and ugg boots, parka jackets and popping in for a hot chocolate. Today though it was simply a walk along the river with Ali and his Dad, Philip. I think I’ll be doing this walk quite a few more times with camera in hand.
It’s not secret I love to perform, I’ve been doing it in one way or another since I was 7 years old. Tonight I felt alive, I felt attractive, I felt happy. All eyes were on us and I didn’t mind, in fact I absolutely loved it! Our first gig in Kingston town centre and what a gig it was, people came and danced (danced!!) and we went down really well. I finally feel comfortable being a musician, I love the feeling and this was what I needed to realise that I could do this for a living, I’d LOVE to do this as a living.
Being this happy has just made me feel complete. Rock on!
Me and the Mr….well sort of
Hey ho, we have gotten to this point in time! I’ve shared a flat with Ali for 3 months now and we haven’t killed each other, hurrah! For us, moving in together was just a logical step and a thing that we decided to do. Was I nervous? Yes. I’m fully aware I can be a total pain in the arse to live with and I was also aware that he is a grouch when he hasn’t slept. While it isn’t amazingly different for us after getting used to each other being around a lot of our friends are still intrigued that we live together.
My question is why is it such a big deal? We love each other, we used to spend nearly every weekend together so what’s the big fuss? We’ve been together long enough that we know we’re stable. I have so many cries from friends of ‘oh I don’t know how you do it! I could never live with my other half!’, other friends crack out the ‘when are you getting engaged?’ questions and want to know intricate details of of wedding which I haven’t thought that much about or planned…shock horror.
I’ve said time and time again on here that I’m happy where I am now. I genuinely am, we’re happy with each other just the way things are. I have a place at a great uni, a job I love and friends that mean the world to me, why would I spend time fantasising about my wedding? I can assure you it’s not because I’m work obsessed but I’ve just turned 20 years old and everyone is so keen to marry me off!
Moving in together, getting married they both seem like the things you do if you’re in love and when your in that place they are a big step but I don’t think the person living it get’s half as shocked than those around them. Would I say yes if he asked? Of course I would but I’d also be shocked as to why he was asking while we were still in uni. We can’t even afford a cat right now let alone a wedding!
So right now I’m happy that we’re both slightly mad 20 somethings enjoying uni, finding out what we want to do for work and just enjoying being us and loving each other, faults and all. So don’t count on wedding bells in the next year or two!
I’m still quoting,thinking, listening to Ed Sheeran so I though I’d use lyrics from his latest album to describe my day. This isn’t a post about my life going in tatters or a twenties crisis. I have food poisoning so I’m a sleeping, stupidly warm mess right now. To top it all off apart from sleeping I’ve also managed to pour boiling hot tea on myself, the sofa and the floor which is just what you want.
So it will not be an interesting blog last night because food poisoning is currently my life. I’ll hopefully be back on top form tomorrow and pick out some new oh so stylish glasses, geek chic here we come.
On my way into London last weekend for a literature festival…more experience!
Sat in a conference room today learning all about Social Media work I realised something, I actually felt old and a tad confused. I’m no stranger to work experience or working in general, I had the normal experience when I was 15 in a book shop (I didn’t want to leave and cried at the thought) and then got a job that paid as soon as I turned 16. I’ve been in that position for the past 4 years and have worked various jobs, now they haven’t been glamorous or linked to what I want to do in life but then again at 16 I had no idea what to do with my life. Today I was surrounded by intelligent 17 and 18 year olds attending the same event as me, there were only 3 or 4 of us in uni.
I find this absolutely crazy, younger and younger we’re expected to know what we want to do with our lives. I know I want to get into digital media somehow and later in my life become an academic but when I was leaving school/at college my life revolved around my weekend job. The reason? It certainly wasn’t because I was in love with them. I hated my cinema and shop job, I was bored and I wanted to do something. I even offered to be a part time personal shopper for no extra money because I wanted to do more, at the time there were no positions. Even at that stage I wanted to do something that made my brain stretch.
My experience at that age, however, is very limited. Now I’m in uni I’m supposed to go for constant work experience, internships etc. Some people can do that, I cannot. I have to have a job that pays and that’s the way I also like it, don’t get me wrong if my parents could support me in doing all these internships they would but to a point I don’t want them to. I believe in work ethic and I think I gain that more in my job now which I coincidently LOVE and get incredible experience in social media with. I do worry though will employers not hire me because I don’t have the ‘right’ experience? I mean I do a lot I’m a student, an ambassador, I work on the media channels, journo society, musician, blogger, work for the Kingston Writing School and training in academic research. Will these stand out?
I do feel that it is about a position of privilege unfortunately, I know a lot of people who simply can’t afford to do work experience placements or internships, that’s where blogs come in handy. In many industries you need contacts, then you need work experience before you can do work experience and a degree. There is a lot of pressure on young people and no wonder I’ve been anxious as hell lately up late at night worrying about getting a job when I graduate.
I’ve decided to do what I want and need to do, the workshop reminded me I might not have every skill but I have some that other people don’t, I have contacts and I am in a good position. Now I need to not stress!
I decided to write an open letter tonight, to a friend who means a lot to me. I won’t name them but I know how anxious they are at the thought of coming out and I wanted to write to them and anyone else having these feelings.
Dear you,
I know. You know I know. We’ve been over this a thousands times and you know I love you all the same. I want to say being gay is nothing to worry about, to me and to a lot of open minded people it’s totally normal and nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m proud for you and Jesus when you are comfortable enough (because that day WILL come) I’ll dance around at pride for you, because I know that’s not your thing.
Oh and here’s another thing, I know you better than you think I do. I’ve known you were gay for a long time, I don’t know why but I always have to a degree. I never thought that you talking all the time to me was hitting on me, you never once looked at my chest, nor recognised what I was wearing. I loved it, even my closest straight guy friends slips up sometimes, although you agree I have great boobs.
The thing is, you being gay doesn’t mean you have to fit some stereotype ( I know you never will) some people try and intimidate you with a certain type of behaviour, balls to that! Be yourself which is who I LOVE you for. I don’t want to change you, but it makes me so sad when you get swallowed by sadness and confusion over something as simple as who you find attractive, who you love. I know though for you, it doesn’t feel simple but I promise some day it will.
Being gay is just a part of who you are, it’s one of the things that makes you who you are, your funny, sarcastic and quirky and as other people have pointed out fanciable (although not to me, we’re way too close and that would be odd like loving a brother *shudder*). You’re sweet, kind and give a mean hug any guy would be lucky to have you, and they will.
Any one who doesn’t ‘accept’ you (what a bollocks term) is at a loss. IF they let some stupid social prejudice come in the way of who you are and who you’re going to become then basically there is something wrong with them. We’re going to have a great time and I already accept being the best woman at your wedding and a god mother for your children (as previously discussed, I will be both a good and bad influence…your welcome).
Basically I love you, you know I do and I’m here to see this through. When you feel comfortable enough to come out, which I am honoured that you did to me by the way, I’ll be there. If anyone doesn’t like it, fuck ’em who needs ’em.
Happy coming out day!
We all wonder where we come from, I’m no exception. I’ve been researching my family history on my Mum’s side for a good few years now with my Gramps, I know we’re of Swiss-Italian nationality a few generations back (hence the name) but there’s a point where we get stuck and can’t go back any further, which annoys me. I don’t know as much about my Dads side, even though he’s interested in finding out about them too.
I think it’s important that we know where we come from, if we wish. I have friends who are desperate to track down family, some lost, some they’ve never known and some they will never know. I’m currently obsessed with two shows, Long Lost family and Who Do You Think You Are? I love the past, the history and the things that people find out.
I don’t think I’ll ever stop researching, in an academic sense or in this kind and it will be nice to connect with my ancestors. It’s great being so close to London, so let’s see what we can find…
My signed copy of In Love and War, out now!
It’s obvious that I love books. They’re piling up my wall as I write this, I’m on a literature degree and I write a review blog so it’s pretty safe to say that I know the magic of what books can do. Another thing they can do is open doors. By talking to people about books, about literature in general, about publishing I’ve had so many doors open for me, tonight being no exception.
I’m getting into the Kingston Writing School, I’ll hopefully be going to Athens as a part of it next year (funds permitting) and so I decided to attend the weekly readings. Tonight I met Alex Preston, as well as a incredible reading and useful tips I also left with a signed copy of the book and a head start on my research for uni. 
The night wasn’t all readings I got to mingle with Wine and Olives…a lot of Olives, more than anyone could ever need! I got to meet so many interesting people and all because of literature. Talking about things like this should help me advance through my degree, work experience and even more.
If you use them the right way, books can open doors.
Last year I spent so much time alone. In halls I could go three days sometimes without seeing anyone, not even my flat mates, I’d cocoon in my room and sleep, study and watch TV and if I felt like eating (which when I felt like this wasn’t often) I’d eat at strange times sometimes cooking late at night because my sleeping pattern was all kinds of messed up. I didn’t like it, I felt miserable, alone and would often just sleep for something to do.
It was a surprise to me this year that I am so busy that I hardly have time to be alone. I live with Ali now and we share a room and even when I’m having an off day he manages to persuade me to go outside, be around people. It’s one of the many things I talk to my mentor about, she says that she always tries to get people with depression to go outside and be around people, one of the worst things for depression is being isolated. I didn’t realise until the other day that last year I worried my Mum, she knew I wasn’t doing as well as I said I was and apparently got quite worried that the only times I was going out of my room was to see Ali or the boys. I didn’t feel that it was a problem then but now I can see that I wasn’t very well last year.
And so today came, after pretty much seeing people every day for about 3 weeks straight I felt a bit overwhelmed, I needed a breather. Tuesday’s are one of my days off uni and so I used today as my ‘recovery’ day as my mentor and I call them. I thought that to get over this I need to keep going, going,going but actually I need rest too. Some things that are easy for people without a mental health condition, like having a group of close girl friends, takes a lot of energy for me, I’ve been out of the loop of those kinds of friendships since I was about 14/15 and being ‘a girl’ worries me sometimes. The girls are incredible about it though, which helps,
So I spent today on my own and it was actually kind of nice, I got stuff done, cleaned and put music on when it all got a little bit too quiet. Many people won’t understand this, hey it’s just being alone! This is all a part of me getting better though and learning new things.
Right now I kind of like the peace and quiet of being alone.
Although I’m still sniffly I made it out today to the YA Literature Festival with Joe! I bought lots of books, got involved in a lively debate, met a lovely author and some fantastic publishers (which now means the help of publishing work experience hopefully). After that dumping my bags and off to the pub to meet the girls whilst Aline is in the UK!
The panel of authors debating gender in popular culture, which I got involved in.
My stash of books that I bought today for £35…Oops!
Eleanor and I at the pub.
Aline, Dani and Eleanor in where else…Spoons!
Chloe Metzger 