Being Brave

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Brave

Hey you, yes you reading this, I have something to tell you. You’re going to be okay.

We all have crap going on in our lives that we wish we could change or simply disappear from. Sometimes it’s understandable, it’s something really negative that others can understand. I know more than anyone though that sometimes it’s not that simple, everything can be going so well and you still feel like somethings not right, or you feel like you’re terrified that the happiness wont last.

As the picture says I want to see you be brave, big or small I want all of my readers to take a step towards the positive, because I’ve been at an awful low point so many times and even the littlest things can help. It might be going for a walk, getting some exercise, treating yourself, visiting friends or family, standing up to someone who makes you feel like shit. Just be brave about whatever it is.

Good Luck 🙂

My head is about to explode

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Do you ever feel like your brain is going to explode? Like everything in it is trying to burst out all at once. You want to stay at home, but you want to go out. Your starving but you’re not hungry. You have a million and one ideas but can’t get one of them on to paper. I feel a little bit like that tonight.

The last week has been incredible and I’m still so proud to have gotten my award last week. With all that in mind though it doesn’t make my low moods just dissapear, as much as I want them to. It’s hard to explain because I have so much good going on in my life but sometimes I just want to hide, forget everything. As good as life is, no one puts as much pressure on me as myself, actually everyone else tells me to calm the hell down and that it doesn’t matter if I don’t get straight 70s or do that work right now. There’s just this drive in me and I’m definitely my own harshest critic.

I’m just feeling so many emotions all the time right now that I don’t know I needed to get it out ,and I know that some of my followers will definitely understand how I’m feeling right now.

I’m going out tonight to celebrate Daniela’s birthday, I’m determined to try and leave this anxiety at home. I don’t want this anxiety I get to affect my friends and family because that’s not who I am. That’s why I hide a lot of things when I’m not feeling great people panic or don’t know how to react to me, I’m still normal, still me. Yeah so I might not react well to guys trying to hit on me but I’m like that with or without anxiety, there’s a right way to try and talk to a girl and most boys in clubs do not follow that.

I’m just hormonal and tired and want to get out and just forget how many things are in my head right now!

Disney love

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Like most little girls I wanted to be a princess at some point. I also wanted to be a cowgirl (well that one nearly came true) but more than anything I wanted to sing. It’s safe to say that growing up I loved Disney. As a toddler I had to have 101 Dalmations or The Jungle Book on at every meal. I went to Disneyland Paris 4 or 5 times because when I was little it was really cheap to do a coach trip to Paris, I went with my Mum, Mum and Aunt, Mum and Cousin, Mum and Dad….possibly twice just be and Mum. So you could say that by the time I started school I was a Disney pro.

I’d have the CDs on every day at home and would dance and sing to myself in the dining room or on my Mums bed, which I’d pretend was a stage. By the age of about 7 I’d earned the nickname of the Little Mermaid because I would sing non stop and could only  swim underwater…for some reason I couldn’t grasp swimming on top of the water, even now I’ll only swim on top of the water if I really have to.

Even now, I know the words to the Tangled song, have seen Brave, Wreck it Ralph (which was one of the best Disney films ever I have to say) and have the Frozen soundtrack on my laptop.

Everyone needs a little Disney now and again 🙂

I want to do EVERYTHING

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I don’t stop, ever. There’s something in me when I’m well that means I want to do and try everything. I do the blog, the band, horse riding, uni, work and all that kind of thing already but I’m always looking for more to do. I want to be writing my book, start a vlogging channel, swim more, volunteer with disabled kids, write more songs, learn sign language, get my MA, get my Phd, read all the books I own, finish all of my to do list, see all for my friends, travel *and breathe*.

A lot, right? I’ve always been like this, I’ve always wanted to do 100 things and get them all perfect and work,work,work. Sometimes I work so much and so hard that I end up making myself ill, then I take a week or two to rest and get better and do it all again, it never ends! Obviously you all know I have to be careful with this, being over tired is one of the things that makes me get low quickly (I don’t want to call it a ‘trigger’ because that MEDICAL term has now been overused by idiots online and people now don’t understand the real medical meaning).

I have to try and balance doing everything with being well and it can be really annoying. My family, friends and mentor keep an eye on me but sometimes I don’t see it I just keep going and going and going. It’s not always a bad thing but it’s all about getting the right level of each and accepting that I can’t do everything all at once…not until time turners become a real thing anyway. Oh god, writing this I realised I’m letting my Hermione show…oh dear.

So yes my lovely followers I am, as my friends would say, ‘a total keeno’, ‘a Hermione’ and a pain in the ass overachiever. I’m writing this because I know it need to work on it and I know I’m damn well not perfect, even though some people get this idea what I get everything right. Wrong. I am grasping at straws as much as anyone else most of the time and I just happen to find myself in situations that I can use to my advantage, no magic, no secrets actually I’m a bit of a pain in the butt ;).

As always give me a comment and a subscribe if you like what you read I want to talk to all of YOU!

5 Reasons my Mum is the absolute BEST. 

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I’m sure it comes as no surprise to you guys that I think my Mum is absolutely incredible. Well, that’s because she is. Mumma Metzgie as my friends call her is an absolute gem and I wanted to write this post about her because she deserves it!

1. She never lets me down

Never, ever, ever. From day 1 and I don’t think she ever will.

2. She’s the strongest person I know

She’s been through a lot of crap, she was the first person I’d turn to when I was bullied because she’d been there and she really hold our family together. It’s hard to explain but she’s just so bloody strong and calm ❤

3. She can drink most people under the table and down a pint.

My Mum is still going out with her friends on nights out and is amazing drunk, so, so much fun. It probably helps that she looks 10 years younger than she is as well.  

4. Life is never boring with my Mum

She’s almost always laughing at something. Mum is the biggest kid you will ever meet, to the point where her favourite place in the world is disney world and she plans to dress up as Elsa or Ana for Halloween in Disney World. Sometimes I get too stressed and serious but Mum always manages to get me to relax and have fun…although I’m still hesitant over a night out with her. All my friends love her and most of the guys think she’s attractive. You go mumma, go!

5. She’s never given up on me.

She hasn’t always had it easy being my Mum, but she’s never given up. Going to meeting after meeting, dealing with me when I’m having a meltdown, talking to me constantly when I need it and when I was younger she really fought for me. I am who I am because of all of this, my Mum believed in me no matter what

Happy Mother’s Day Mum, you really are the best.

And the winner is…me!

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I’m writing this with the biggest, stupidest grin on my face. I won!!!!!!! I cannot believe it but I won! I am this years winner of the Overcoming Adversity to Achieve award ahhhhh! I’m still half in disbelief, even though it’s right next to me as I type this (and looked pretty damn good in the flat if I say so myself!).

I honestly thought that the amount of inspiring people who were up for that award that I was going home empty handed and I was fine with that, they were all so amazing I was shocked that I had even been shortlisted with them. One of the best parts of  the evening though was sitting with SIR TREVOR MCDONALD of all people on my table and having a long conversation with him about literature, music, the world in general and the new TV show he has coming up. He even mentioned me in his speech and before announcing I was a winner said that he really thought I deserved it. He is truly one of the most wonderful men I have ever met.

Everyone was so welcoming and so proud I won, hugs and congratulations all evening! Some of the people tonight I am proud to be at university with and proud to be at Kingston itself, a place I will always love. I’m struggling to write this because it’s all still sinking in and its so incredible.

Thank you to everyone who helped me along the way. I’ve come so far from what I was and I’m so proud of myself for making the changes and making myself face up to them. I couldn’t list every single person but you all know who you are, I love you so,so much. Winning this has made me even more determined to keep working on mental health, to keep helping others.

Don’t give up guys! I never thought this could happen for me! ❤

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Pre assignment panic

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It’s a few weeks before Easter break, you know the drill. Right now most of us are getting the feelings of dread as assignment deadlines/exams sneak up on us. The library is getting busier every day, caffeine consumption is going up and nervous tears for no reason at all are creeping in.

As the girls keep reminding me we have a while until the next assignment is due (after submitting one today) but, it’s a horrible mix of the normal anxiety about this time of year and my own anxiety getting in the way.

I’m hoping I can write regularly, keep my mind off the things that are bothering me and write some more entertaining posts!

Specific Learning Difficulties Conference

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I spent today working with students with Specific Learning Difficulties so Dyslexia (like me), Dyspraxia, Mental Health Difficulties (also me), Physical Disabilities and others. I like talking to people about my experiences and being able to help in any way that I can. Some of the young people today were so bright, but also scared.

A lot of the adults thought that we ambassadors were great ‘inspirational’, ‘ mentors for young people’, now that’s all nice but it’s the young people I work with that I want the feedback from. I’m pleased to say that they said they learnt a lot and for some I think it was the push that they needed.

I’ve come a long way since I was at school and since my diagnoses for both depression and dyslexia, but I want to use all of that negative and try and help other people. I have been through a lot, more than I want to talk about sometimes but if I can turn this around then maybe in some weird way it was worth it.

One of the hardest goodbyes

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IMG_1646I’m writing this with a broken heart. Yesterday Rubey was sold and left the yard, I wasn’t able to say goodbye as it all happened so quickly. There’s something about a connection with animals that is so different than humans. When I first moved to Kingston, the hardest thing to adjust to was not having my dog at the end of my bed, even now she’s the hardest to leave after a weekend at home. Rubey kind of filled that need this year, not because of riding her because she was so affectionate.

Part of me doesn’t know how I’m going to go to the stables on Wednesday without seeing her and having a cuddle. A lot of people don’t understand, because she’s not mine, it’s hard to explain but I just had that bond with her and she was there for me all of this year. Her owner is heartbroken too because Rubey leaving was just so quick.

In my heart she’ll never be replaced, ever. She was the first horse I really connected with, even if I do love all of the others at the stables. I’ve just had an update though that she’s at her new stables being loved and cared for and is happy.

It’s one of the hardest points of this year but if she’s going to be loved I guess I can deal with it.

Out we go!

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Tonight the dream team are on the town. Me, Eleanor, Amy, Dani and Maisha are all out in Kingston together!!! We finally managed to find two nights this month where we can all go out and while tonight I won’t be getting horrendously drunk due to a gig tomorrow, I will be the next time. Tonight is our night out for Eleanor’s 20th birthday, I’m going to make sure she is both suitable drunk and happy at the same time. As well as El’s birthday we also have other things to celebrate firstly Eleanor got into New Zealand and she’s off for a year, then a few days ago we got the news that Maisha is also off to New Zealand! That’s right both of them! I’m looking forward to every minute I can spend with these two before their departure to New Zealand in July. It’s going to be an amazing adventure for them both.