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I snore.

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I woke up this morning after a pretty good sleep, I crashed out as soon as we got home from the gig last night and as far as I was concerned all was well. That was the theory any way until I reached over to get my phone and noticed Ali was already awake…weird in itself. I was then informed that I had spent the whole night snoring again, now for a long time I’ve dismissed it thinking it must have been a little light snoring and Ali was just being a pain. That was until he recorded my snoring last week…I thought my Dad was bad, I’m almost as loud! My poor boyfriend has had to deal with my terrible snoring for the past few weeks because of my damn sinuses, I’m a nightmare.

This just adds to the whole Chloe is not ladylike in the slightest thing. I can be if I try, I can do the whole dresses, skirts and all that stuff but it takes a lot of effort. I have no idea if it will happen again tonight or if Ali is on the brink of murdering me over it…I know I would be!

Thank you

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After my blog post on Monday I have had an outpouring of love and support from so many people. I wanted to use this post to say thank you, for your likes, your messages and more blog follows (nearly 150 now, eek!). I think that it’s an important part of getting better if you, like me, have been living with depression for a long time or if you’ve just entered this part of the roller coster. Support really is everything in getting better and I couldn’t do it without the people around me understanding that sometimes I’ll be stressed about little or nothing, sometimes I’ll cry for days and not know why and sometimes I need to be a little selfish and there for myself more than anyone else.

The whole thing of 1 in 4 people, it’s so much more apparent to me at the moment but it’s not something you can see. You best friend could be depressed, it doesn’t mean you’ll know because you get good at hiding your feelings or avoiding situations where other people can see that something is wrong. I’ve done both and sometimes I still do because that’s just a part of this illness. I’m not going to rant and say it’s horrible, it’s unfair, it sucks. This is just something I have to live with and learn to deal with in my daily life.

I wanted to let you know I am going to be ok! I might be up and down and all over the place and I might not be super happy but being ‘Ok’ will do for now. I think I actually appreciate feeling happy more than other people, being happy makes me feel even better I can take over the world in a good mood. I’ll learn to deal with this but the support I’ve had over the last few days has made me feel better, I’m still very up and down but it helps.

Thank you to all of you

Being honest

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I always want to be honest with you all about how I am. This blog isn’t just about university but also about mental health. At the moment the pressure is building from assignments, readings and getting half way through second year already. It’s not that things are going badly, not at all but I just haven’t been feeling like myself. Lows can last anything from a few hours to a few weeks and the past week hasn’t been my best, it’s been tough and a lot of things have suffered because of it but I’m going to be ok. I have great people around me and I can get back on track once this is over and done with. I have been hurt recently, I’ve doubted myself and the people around me but hey, it’s great song writing material haha.

If I want to do anything I want to make this blog honest. Today is where things have picked up a little talking to friends and feeling a little more in control, as well as knowing I’m not the only one who’s stressed out right now. We’ll get through this, together. I also got to laugh today, a lot and have another gig to look forward to. I’m trying to take this one little step at a time.

Oh and my interview with The Guardian made it in too, check the link here 

COME ON COUGARS!

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Today I witnessed my first live rugby match the Kingston University Ladies team, featuring my beautiful best friend Eleanor doing her thing!!! It was something fab to watch and even though towards the end it was pouring down I didn’t mind standing in the rain, she was in her element! Although it seems like they may have recruited Dani, I won’t be trying out any time soon! The girls won too which was brilliant!

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The day was followed by a nice meal with Eleanor, Daniela and Eleanors brother. This weekend has been relaxing and I had some much needed quiet time. So there will be a lot more Rugby pics of Eleanor’s great legs and maybe Daniela too!

Waiting for the end of the week

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This week has been mostly stress, worry and anxiety and I can’t wait to see the back of it! Goodbye, seeya, over, done. I’ve felt really all over the place this week, although I thought Monday was going to be fine but I ended up just feeling exhausted. It’s been a damn long week full of ups and downs and trying to carry on, hence why there are blogs up, blogs missing. That said you lovely people are still following me, still reading and for that I am eternally grateful. I’m hoping that as tomorrow is the start of my weekend I can relax a little, get things done and just enjoy the company of some good friends oh and my first Rugby match!

So off you go this week, I’m glad to see the back of you and I’ll keep my fingers crossed for next week!

The power of animals

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It’s amazing how animals can change your life as well as your mood. Today is my dog Lottie’s 7th birthday (which is 49 in dog years…I think), she’s one of my best and most loyal friends. Lottie is the first dog my family has had, she’s been there for me no matter what and knows when I just need a cuddle. I think saying goodbye to the dog was the hardest when I moved.

I love telling the story of how we got her, let me start by saying I didn’t even want a dog (my cat had gone missing a while earlier and I was still adamant he’d come back). So we go to the dog rescue and because of my sisters age they decide were allowed to see the puppies. I think there was 6 of them in total, 4 boys and 2 girls, one of them being my girl. I went towards them and this little hyper one pushes it’s way to the front and starting licking my hand…that was Lottie.

While I’m in London I don’t have any pets, unless you count Ali, so when I’m sad I’m left to my own devices unless I’m outside and next doors cats say hello. That is until I started riding. Before my lesson today I felt really low, stressed after last nights recording session and on the verge of a panic attack. Amy cheered me up but once I got on the horse I was left to stay still and wait for my instructor, I started stroking Jemima, the horse I’d had on my first ever ride. I calmed down, went for my lesson and came out feeling like everything had just gone away, it’s the magic of animals.

There’s a reason a lot of people recommend pets or work with animals for depressed people, animals never judge. They just look to you for love, care and somehow they know when you’re not feeling right.

So Happy Birthday to my beautiful Lottie Lou and thank you to Jim-Jim for being the wonderful horse she is.

My Big Mouth: ‘Boy or Girl?’

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While out with my sister today I was really surprised by a gender division issue when shopping for the most ridiculous things. When trying to buy a birthday badge we were asked oh is it for a male or female, after saying female we were given a pink badge instead of being told colours (never mind the fact this girl is a tomboy). Then again later in the day going for a bite to eat I ordered my sister a kids meal and was asked is the meal for a boy or a girl, again I answered girl and was given an incredibly feminine toy instead of a much cooler car/plane toy which actually did things.

I’m not going on a feminist rant here but it seems really trivial to give girls pink and boys blue. As a kid I may have had a barbie bedroom but I wanted action men too and while the boys played Army in the woods, I was the leader of that army. Even now, it’s only in the last year I’ve been considered ‘one of the girls’ instead of ‘one of the lads’.

I’ve known this divide exists for a long time but twice in one day? Oh and my little cousin saying he wanted a ‘boys colour’ not a ‘girls colour’, I thought that in 2014 we could let kids be what they wanted to be. I’m not saying get rid of all pink and blue and pretend all toys are gender neutral, they’re not. Most, not all, of the time boys will go for Nerf guns over a doll but then girls also became interested and now there are pink ones. With flowers on. I’m sorry what? Another example I saw via Facebook was of a 5 year old boys Frozen themed party, he loved it but other parents thought it was wrong for him to have the theme, deeming it girly. Since when? There isn’t a little kid I know that hasn’t watch Frozen and there are guys in it, Olaf the Snowman is supposedly male…well for a snowman. So why the hell are these kids being told what to like?

I’m hoping that by the time I have kids, way into the future (sorry Mum) people will respect my wishes to let them play with whatever they want. I don’t want to have a girl and smother her in pink or a boy who is only given blue, maybe I won’t tell people at all so I wont get things that are ‘suitable’ for either. I respect parents who let their kids play with what they want and what makes them happy because isn’t that all kids want, to be happy?

One of the best days of my life.

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You know those days that are totally kick arse and at the end of it you kind of still can’t believe it. Yeah that happened today. I’d mentioned before how I had been asked to speak at the Diversity conference and to be fair I was so nervous. Last night and this morning I was so worried, what if no one turned up? What if loads of people did but they disagreed with my points? Do I really know what I’m talking about?

Turns out I shouldn’t have worried. After speaking to our Chancellor, Bonnie Greer MBE, I felt at ease. I’d watched one of her speeches before and she was absolutely incredible, I was able to watch her again before my own speech and I was just so inspired by it all.

As for my speech? It was well recieved, I got the most questions of the morning and the best thing was that I was really helping people. I had so many people come up to me after, asking my advice and if I would be involved in certain things. It was overwhelming but everything I wanted to be. I’m hoping to write a blog based on the ideas that I spoke about today.

I was also ableto be a part of a Mental Health workshop and we could really discuss how it impacted our lives, how we could help the university etc. Overall a really positive day in terms of Mental Health and I will also hopefully be participating with a member of staff on a research project on students with MH issues. How exciting!

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My wonderful tutor Sara giving her support. 

After catching up with my friend Joe, who was so supportive today and I can’t thank him enough. My next part of the day was to head to the Kingston Writing School and a talk that I had helped organise. If you haven’t read any of R.S Pateman’s novels go now! The Second Life of Amy Archer is out now and The Prophecy of Bees will be out later this month.

Rob gave a brilliant talk, honest, funny and humble. I was also pleased to find someone else who writes like me! Scattered and all over the place, not careful planning if I can help it. Hopefully I’ll be attending a book launch for The Prophecy of Bees soon which should be a lot of fun!

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Rob Pateman (R.S Pateman) and I 

Other than that general smiles, good company and some exciting news about my academic future (possibly) overall a great day and still proving you can LIVE  with depression 🙂



Happy 21st Birthday Ali

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Today one of the most important people in my life turned 21! I may have gone a little over kill on the presents but he’s had a damn good day and I finally don’t have to try not to blurt out what I bought him! Of course he had his Reading Festival ticket back in August but he also had Noel Fielding Tickets, T-Shirts, Giant Cookie (he’s not keen on cake), 21st Mug, Ferrari, custom made card and a photo of us for his desk…I did go overkill didn’t I? Oops. He also got a new guitar from his family, which is a very Ali milestone present.

For the people I love I write these long blog posts about why they’re so special to me, but with Ali I don’t feel the need. He’s my equally crazy, lovable, long haired, insanely intelligent other half. He’s my best friend. So in true Ali fashion I won’t write some long and loving letter on my blog, I’ll say it simply.

I love you.

Happy Birthday lovely, I hope you had an amazing day 🙂

A girl deserves a treat once in a while

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I’m writing to you all from my new Macbook Pro, yes me! After a lot of saving, working so many hours I became a regular in the office and debating for months I finally went to the Apple Store today and picked up this baby! I’ve had a tough week emotionally and I’ve reached Enrichment week so a treat was in order…although I didn’t intend for it to be this pricey! Still with student discount, my scholarship money coming in I could justify it. I’m so happy.

So right now I’m sat in the studio (again) recording for more songs after some good news yesterday. If you want to keep an eye on us then check out our website www.nopeopleclub.com. That’s all I have for today, tomorrow will be Ali’s 21st and I’ll be spoiling him rotten.