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Road Trips with the girls

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Off in the sunshine today to see the beautiful Eleanor while she’s resting up after her surgery last weekend. The surgery all went well and she’s healing nicely despite having a pretty bad knee injury. Up early (ish), cup of tea down and bundle Dani, Amy and Alissa into my car just after rush hour so we can get down to Kent as quickly as possible.

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It has been SO sunny here in Kingston, unfortunately I missed a chunk of it when I traded the sun for the clouds of Durham and Newcastle, luckily it followed us to Kent. Cruising through Kingston and the M25 we had to change the journey but eventually pulled into Eleanor’s cute little village. It’s been such a long time since I’ve been in a proper village, there are a few that surround Basingstoke but I never go to them when I’m home, I’ve never needed to. We drove through all these little country lanes and fields. I had this little smile on my face as soon as we got to those views, just like I did while I was in the car up to Durham at the weekend. I don’t think you can really appreciate how beautiful this country is until you take a long drive/ train journey through it.

Once we finally got there, I can’t explain how good it was to see El again. I’ve missed all the girls so much since we finished lectures but with El, obviously I’ve been worried too because surgery is damn scary. El’s was a relatively simple surgery but what can I say I’m a worrier. We were able to catch up before eating an incredible lunch Eleanor’s mum had made for us. Oh my god it was so good, I’ve really been spoilt with all this good food for the past week (and I get more when I head home this weekend *dies*) potatoes and pasta were my picks out of the load of food laid out for us and then homemade cheesecake for pudding.

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The five of us in El’s garden

l-r, Amy, Me, El, Dani and Alissa 

With all of us back together it was back to our usual banter and a lot of laughs, I’d missed it. It’s different than the laughs I have with the boys, I like having the mix of both.

I guess I need times like this week, to get away to different places and be left to appreciate things. When you distance yourself from the things that are stressing you out, like my assignments, physically walk away from them it can bring that glow of happiness back that I really needed. Back to reality tomorrow, but it was nice to have a break 🙂

It’s not just escaping

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I’ve been back from Durham for a few hours now, I’m sitting at my laptop willing for something to jump onto the page. I have a few more quotes, a plan of ideas but they won’t go into words, into the essay that I’m so desperate to finish. It’s taken a few hours to start to get anxious about what’s coming, I have assignments to do, gigs to organise, work, blog and all these things. I need to stop and breathe.

I’ve written before about being tired, and that’s partly to blame for my stressed out mood right now. I don’t know why but getting away has always made me relax, made sure that I could think straight. I’m not going to lie to you all and say yep as soon as I get away I’m fine and happy and don’t get worried, I do. For the first day and a half in Durham I had this horrible twisting ball of anxiety inside me, for the whole of the first evening Ali’s Gran kept asking if I was feeling ok. I wanted to be perfectly ok and normal, maybe I was trying too hard. I just wanted everyone to like me, to make a good impression again. It did work, Ali’s family were all lovely and kind and treated me like I belonged, so the feelings went away.

I guess I’m writing this to say that I worked out a long time ago, you can’t just run away from the things that are hard but sometimes a little distance from the things worrying you is a good start.I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, it’s all ups and downs. For now I think I should take myself off to bed for the night, I have another long drive tomorrow.

Northern Adventures & Shopping

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I’ve been let loose in the North for a few days now after travelling up on Saturday but today was the first day we really got out of the house and did some exploring. Ali’s Dad drove us around today to see some of the sights of County Durham and Newcastle. It was my first time  in Newcastle, so I was pretty excited as some of my Dad’s side of the family came from up here. IMG_2337

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First stop The Angel of the North. I’d seen the angel from a distance the last time I came up to Durham about 4/5 years ago, but we never actually went up to see it. So Philip (Ali’s Dad) took us up and it was incredible. I’ve always thought the angel was slightly creepy but the way it’s been built is amazing. Reading the signs around it’s also a great way to remember how strong the North once was, how the country would not have been the same without the work done here. It is also in memory of the miners that worked below years ago, there are flowers laid to remember them. The views were also stunning and made a great place for a family picture (above) of Ali, his sister Claire and their Dad, Philip.

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Newcastle center 

It was a little brighter than yesterday but still damn cold, what can I say I’m a southern girl! We took a drive into Newcastle which is where mainly I went shopping! This is my haul for today.

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Positive Vibes Only T-Shirt Tee and Cake @ Topshop 

£20, but they do Student discount 🙂 

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OPI ‘ I think in Pink’ nail varnish £11.95 John Lewis

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My Heart and Other Black Holes , Jasmine Warga – £6.99

How I live now, Meg Rosoff – £7.99 

Playlist for the Dead, Michelle Falkoff – £7.99

All available from Waterstones YA section, also bought with a Waterstones Student Card  

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Bras, between £9 – 24 (I think) Ann Summers, also with Student Discount 

A long drive.

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The British countryside is beautiful, you don’t quite realise how much so until you’ve spent 5 and a half hours in a car with that as the only thing to look at, that was until I bought Mr Bump at a service station as my travelling companion. Yes today we travelled up to Durham for Ali’s grandparents Diamond wedding anniversary (60 years!).

I can’t write much as we haven’t arrived too long ago but I’ve already been fed with delicious food and possibly the greatest cakes you’ll ever taste (Ali’s gran is a pro). So right now I’m feeling quite tired, a little nervous, a little anxious and ready for bed!

Also, a shout out to my beautiful Eleanor who had surgery today! Feel better soon my lovely.

Tired.

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Tired. It’s a little word. A lack of sleep can change me into a totally different person. I’m not saying just a little cranky or more forgetful (although both happen), one of the worst things for my depression is me being tired, everything gets darker, even the littlest things get harder. I can’t do things that I normally would be able to on a low day.

Why am I writing this? Because I know a lot of you are the same. Depression and anxiety makes you tired to start with, honestly it is exhausting and it took me a long time to accept that I was allowed to be tired by it. Physically and mentally sometimes even going through the motions are too much. The people around me can normally tell, as soon as I’m quiet it’s like something in my cracks and then the dam breaks and everything I’m nervous, anxious, scared about builds up in me until I feel like I’m going to burst. And I have to find a way to get it out.

I’m writing because it’s ok, you have the flu and you’re still tired after people are like oh it’s ok you’re wiped out, you have an extreme low and then are still feeling crappy after a few days a lot of people tell you to ‘get over it’. Right now I’m exhausted so I feel really up and down and all over the place. Ali knows, he picked up on me being grumpy pretty quickly but somehow knew I needed a cuddle.

I won’t sleep for a while yet, I’m exhausted but not tired. It makes no sense I know, or maybe to some of you it does. Either way I wanted to keep you updated and let you know how I’m plodding along.

Speak soon

Motivation…where are you?

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We all get to that point where everything kind of slows down, I guess I’ve reached that point on the blog. I promised you I’d be completely honest and I need to say that I was starting to get to a point where I was running out of ideas. What did I want to write about? What did you guys want to read? Is there a magical formulae so that I can interact with a load of people.

The problem with that is you then start comparing yourself to people. I LOVE Hannah Gale, I see her blog in all its beauty and wish I was doing that well, I look at Youtubers and see how well they’re doing, then I move on to musicians (don’t even GO there). You get into this totally self absorbed spiral of what you’re not and then, for me at least, an huge tidal wave of anxiety. The conversation kind of goes like this –

My brain: What are you doing? Why has it taken you three hours to even start a blog post? 

Me: I don’t know I’m just struggling with what to write about 

My brain: Look at all the other bloggers, vloggers, musicians they’re all doing something why aren’t you? Also while you’re at it finish that assignment, you know you’re not going to get 70%  but you still need to do it.

Me: Gee thanks brain, I knew that already

My brain: Well if you knew that why did you get up, go back to bed, go on be off with you. 

Me: You’re right, off to bed I go. 

It’s this horrible conversation I have with myself, even when deep down I know I’ve been doing really well. It’s this approval that seems to be needed with online work, we’re anxious by the amount of followers, likes, subscribers and job opportunities we get. We want book deals and big houses and, well, to be like the successful people we see.

It takes a minute though to realise that although we see these people as ‘real’ most of the time people only show the best of themselves. Do I share every dark thought I ever have when I’m on a low? No. Does Emma Blackberry film when she has a huge block of what to talk about? I doubt it. Do I think that Hannah Gale is perfect all of the time? No, she’s bloody honest that she struggles sometimes and that is why I love her blog. And for the likes of my sister and her friends who are obsessed with Zoella, I have no doubt that there is now a persona that she has created for her channel.

I suppose I’m just working out what I’m doing with the blog, I never started it with the hope to make money. I wrote because I enjoyed it and I thought I could share my experiences with other people, which I’m still doing. Other than that I’m hoping to start some book reviews on here, once a week just as something different and I kind of miss my old blog.

So with that I think I’m a little bit more motivated…I wonder if it’s enough for that essay…

If you would like to read Hannah Gale’s blog (which I would recommend) the link is here.

UKIP has invaded my home town

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Most of the UK watched the Leaders debate this week and unfortunately UKIP were part of it. The,quite frankly racist, party showed themselves up again in the form of Farage, on basically every issue he blamed immigration or the EU, after a while I tuned out to his answers.

After shoving the nasty little man and his followers in the back of my brain imagine, you can imagine how shocked I was to find that a UKIP office had popped up in my home town. I was shocked, angry and in awe that the people of my town had let this monstrosity come to be. I’m not going to lie, I’m also a little terrified that they must have backing here although I don’t understand how.

I hope more than anything they never get into power in this country, because if they do we can kiss what we know as freedom, community and happiness goodbye.

Basingstoke Boredom

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My home town is boring. There I said it. I’m laying here on the sofa in the living room, supposedly doing my essay and watching reruns of How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory. My Mum’s busy, Dad at work, Summer’s out, Grandparents out and I’m skint (loan day could not come quick enough!).

I was supposed to be spending this afternoon in town meeting some friends but they’ve since had to cancel and, well, I thought I should write something because the likelyhood is that not much is going to change between now and tonight.

So there you go, my exciting student life is currently watching reruns and trying not to avoid this essay…