My self conscious mind


It’s been 7 weeks since my riding accident now, 7 weeks and I’ve had a lot to get used to being slower, having to rest constantly oh and the staring, yes the staring. I’ve always had a part of me that was self conscious, even when I was younger I never wanted any excuse for the other kids to make fun of me.

Fast forward to the age of 20 and I’m finally happy with the way I look, I’m feeling confident and wanted to go out more, then I fall off a horse and get stuck in a back brace and occasional wheelchair. Not the most flattering thing..apart from the fact it pushes my boobs out, as in totally in your face out. I get stared at either because of the brace or because of my boobs, I’m not quite sure. So combine that with my normal anxiety and I’m constantly worrying what people are looking at me for.

This is what normally happens in my brain:

Oh god they’re staring again. Why do they always stare, don’t they know it’s rude? Urgh is it my brace? Why do I look so weird in this, I hate it. Or is it the wheelchair maybe? Oh, nope that guys looking at my boobs, yes they are attached to my body. Should I be wearing this top? Maybe I can throw a jumper over next time, but then the shape looks weird. Urgh STOP STARING AT ME. 

So yeah, my anxiety doesn’t mix well with people staring at me a lot. I got to the point where I really didn’t want to go out today, basically because people are rude. I’ve had to change my life a lot in the last few weeks because of my spine but I think this is the thing that makes me the maddest. Even on my mums birthday people I knew in my home town either avoid seeing me or see me in town and make awkward eye contact and I just want to scream I’m still the same person! I’m still me!

I didn’t want to write an angry or moapy post but I’m still the same person. The depression and anxiety sometimes makes it harder to just brush off other people’s ignorance.

I’d love to hear from the rest of you, how do you deal with being anxious?

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