Month: May 2014

How Stephen Sutton will live on

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You can’t have failed to notice today that 19 year old charity superstar and cancer patient (NOT sufferer) Stephen Sutton passed away today in his sleep. Although we all knew Stephen’s diagnoses meant he was going to pass, it feels as if none of us expected it to happen so soon. It goes without saying this guy was an incredible individual and I hope that people still carry on the work he wanted to do, even though he’s not here any more. 

What hit me was that Stephen was 19 years old when he died, the same age as I am now. We were born the same year, he’s into the same bands (which is how I heard about Stephen’s story) and it just seems cruel that this is an age where you look forward to the next big stage of your life, yet Stephen’s was taken away so cruelly. I often talk about how my illness effects me but Stephen has given me a reason to think. I don’t want to be defined by something, I want to use my experiences to help others, just as Stephen has done. 

I think of all the things Stephen achieved and how much as a country we all grew to love him and his positive outlook and I’m inspired. He never let his illness define him, it seems to me that he never really gave up even when he knew he didn’t have long left to live. It is because of Stephen I don’t want to give up, it’s a totally different situation but his message and his courage made something wake up inside of me. I look to Stephen as someone of incredible determination, something that I want to have. 

Today the world lost someone truly unique and even though I never knew him I’m so upset that he is gone. His message an actions will live on though! If we can carry on raising money and kicking cancer’s butt! As for me? I’m going to take Stephen’s message and try and use it in my own life, step by step. 

 

Rest in Peace Stephen Sutton, you will be missed but never forgotten.

 

Don’t know about Stephen? Please watch here 

Back to the Studio and back to being me

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Today something changed. I’m back online and the happiest I’ve been since I got back from Easter break. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that I’ve been struggling for the last few weeks and I’ve been deeply unhappy and felt very alone. This week, so far, seems to be transforming that mind set. I’ve still had some times where I’m alone in the flat but not as many. I’m not hiding in my room as much as I have been the last few weeks. 

After going home for the weekend I started feeling better, then my meeting with my MH mentor made me feel so much better. She understands and is used to seeing people like me but never makes me feel like I’m just another student. I talk to her when I’m feeling particularly down and we try and work out ways to help me. This time it was more talking things out and she understood why I’d been hiding and why’d I’d felt so low lately. She knows me well enough that when I said I’d sat in silence without even my music she knew something was wrong. So that (after a long introduction) is what today’s post is about. 

Music is a huge part of my life, but sometimes it also makes me so anxious. It was finally my turn in the studio today and I was nervous. I hate making mistakes but this is the kind of thing where you make so many. Take, after take,after take but it wasn’t that bad. Despite only having a few hours we managed to get one song finished, 3 more to go and more hours in the studio tomorrow! It was tiring but it actually started to get fun and I started to feel better. I didn’t dwell on every take, I just kept going. 

As much as I hated watching the boys walk the opposite way home I’m smiling tonight. I’ve got my music back on and I’m singing along, so you know I’m on the mend. I wouldn’t wish my lows on anyone, no matter how much they’ve hurt me. I wouldn’t wish not wanting to get up, to do anything and to neglect the things and people you love because of something you can’t control. That said, I wouldn’t change who I am. This illness doesn’t define me, it’s a part of me that sometimes does take a few days away. I’ve had it for so long I worry about what they call ‘going back to normal’ I’ll never be a 13 year old girl again and that’s who I was before any of this kicked in. I suppose I’m realising that maybe this could be the start of feeling better. The things I’ve noticed so far? As my friend Will says (see I told you I wouldn’t say you were evil on my blog :P) I have a smile that means I could get away with murder with anyone BUT Ali. I know that I’m actually pretty nice when I’m happy, I care about people a lot and my pain, my joy, my life comes through my music. I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

A smile

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This won’t take long but I just wanted to share with you something I was reminded of today. The more you smile at the world, the brighter you’ll feel. I’m working with my mentor, organising getting out more and I’m hoping I can pull through the last 6 weeks of halls and fill you all in with the last few weeks and getting everything ready for mine and Ali’s new flat! 

Hedgehog Watching

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I’m home! Surprise! 

I’m happy, so, so happy to be home and relaxing. I’ve been surprising people since I got back. No one but my Mum knew again and I loved the looks on my families faces, especially my grandparents! I spent this evening watching hedgehogs with Gramps in their garden, he’s kind of adopted them and feeds them every night. Sometimes they’ll come up to him and walk around, it’s cute and I’m so glad I finally got to see them eating. 

I’m also in my new room, which is really weird but I really enjoy it. It’s a lot smaller but it’s kinda homely. I’ve unpacked some of my books which I brought back with me and I’ve cleared out some of the boxes. It wont be long until I head back for a month/the summer. Today another one of my flat mates moved out and headed back to India, another will be leaving this week and then another at the end of the month, soon it will just be me and one other flat mate. It’s going to be even quieter….if that can happen. It’s because of this I’ve bought new books and I’m going to be trying to get out more as well and do more things, if I can. 

I’m going to enjoy curling up in my new room and relax for a few days before heading back. Besides, I’ll be back in a few weeks I have a cupcake class with Mum, her birthday and fathers day around the corner! 

Through the other side

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It’s impossible to notice that I haven’t been as bright and breezy as I could have been lately. My posts haven’t been very long or interesting. I want to be honest with you guys because you take the time to sit and read through my blog a lot and I get support from you all, more than you probably know. 

Since I’ve got back I’ve been struggling quite a lot and it’s not fair on a lot of people, especially me. I wanted to publish a book on the best uni experience later on and give advice. I wanted to be cool and a great fresher and just do so many amazing things and just, well, be perfect. Thing is I’m not and no one should go to uni thinking like that. 

The last week or so have been tough. I posted a few days ago on twitter that books and silence have become my life. Largely they have. I’ve just sat in my room and read constantly. You know the saying silence is deafening? It’s true. I’ve hidden away in my room and stayed in silence, music hasn’t played. I don’t know what happened to me, I cam back and I was so happy and excited but when I’m stuck in this room I don’t know what to do any more. I don’t have work to make me concentrate I just kind of read, constantly.

I was so excited about going to band practice this week and then when I was there it just all got a bit too much. It was weird I hate being alone but being surrounded by noise was so weird. The weeks just dragged on really. Yesterday was different  I’d been down again but going to work cheered me up and then I got to stay with Ali and despite being up ill all night I feel so much better. 

I wanted to tell you all this because I’m trying. This is harder now uni is over for the summer but now I’m happy again I can see all the amazing things I’ve done this year. I’m coming through the other side, I have a great job, this amazing band. I’ve just got to slow down and realise that these things take time. I have this illness but it’s not who I am. It’s just a part of me that might go away, it might not I don’t know. Right now, I’n getting through this and I’m going to be ok. 

Taking over Twitter

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My first Twitter Takeover! 

Not many people have jobs where you can arrive in the worst mood, full of anxiety and upset but leave bursting with happiness. Today we were ‘taking over’ twitter, the student ambassadors were let loose! I’d never met my fellow ambassadors before today but we worked really well answering questions, chatting and eating some lovely biscuits. The best part? I got paid to tweet! Score! 

Learning to sign

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It’s been well over a month since classes ended and I’ve been starting to get to the point of boredom that I didn’t know existed. I’ve been reading constantly, watching old TV shows, sleeping and generally just wandering around. 

So I’ve started watching a new TV show called switched at birth on Netflix and one of the main characters and many of the supporting characters are deaf. I’ve always been fascinated with sign language and used to watch videos of sign language because I thought it was incredible. The way deaf people learn and the way they communicate with their hands, to me is just beautiful and so, so smart. 

So I’ve been looking into learning British Sign Language over the summer. It seems like something worth doing and who knows I could even help someone at some point. Although I’ve been looking at it it in regards to working and you need all kinds of certificates and masters and all that kind of stuff. So for now it’s hopefully just going to be something that I do and I’ll go for there. I’m hoping that by the time I come back to uni in September I’ll have my level 1 and be able to incorporate this into my work with disabled students! 

Books, Books, Books

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I have just finished my 6th book in a matter of days. This is going to be a short one tonight, my life has become silence and books. There isn’t much to update you on. Aside from seeing the boys yesterday there really hasn’t been anything going on. I just sit in my room and read, go to sainsburys then read some more. I gets pretty lonely some times, but the books keep me good company. 

The Pub.

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I left for the pub this afternoon feeling pretty down, I came back and remembered why it’s such a special place. No, I’m not drunk. I like the pub more than clubs because you can just sit and talk, you can sort things out with or without a pint and it’s a relaxed atmosphere. The band needed to bond today (well 4 of us, Dan’s still away) and although I was hesitant at first I went (while gaining a compliment on the way in, putting me in a better mood). We talked and things got sorted out that we’re previously really worrying. With all the heavy stuff behind us we were able to just relax and have fun and now I’m planning a trip to the US of A while the boys go and watch a film. The pubs worked it’s magic again. 

All of me

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Sometimes you give all of yourself to something, only to feel like you’ve failed anyway. It’s the worst feeling in the world, especially when history begins to repeat itself. You question yourself, doubt yourself. If you’re like me you have this constant feeling it must be your fault, even if it’s not. Music is healing for me but because it’s what I want to do with my life it can shatter my heart as if it were made of glass.

If I want to make myself understand something I’ll write a song or sometimes if I’m lucky enough I’ll find one that already says everything I need to say, because I don’t know how to say it myself. you may think this is pretty down but today had, for the majority, been a good day. I love waking up next to Ali, it gives me a boost in the morning, I feel loved. It’s like when I go home I like hearing people in the house, I like feeling like there is someone there, like I’m not alone.

Right now I can’t wait to get out of halls, to leave it and get away. I don’t feel happy in this room, I feel lonely and isolated. I don’t feel like I have anyone to turn to or talk to. I am completely and utterly alone here. It’s sad and I haven’t wanted to admit it but it’s true. I read and listen to music here but that seems to be all. I try and make sure I’m not here, even when I’m tired.

I’ve gotten slightly off topic now. Either way I don’t want to give up, I want to carry on but sometimes it’s the last thing on my damn mind. Today I’m mad, I’m mad at so many things and I just don’t know what to do about so many things.