‘All you need is POSITIVITY’

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Yes, yes I did just quote a Spice Girls song and no I do not have any shame (come on I was a Spice Girls obsessed little girl, of course I can quote the songs).

Hello lovely readers, I hope you’re all doing ok. So today hasn’t been a great day, It’s been pretty rubbish although I’ve had some good news (more on that later) but mostly bad, which left me pretty low. I reached a point today after a little cry where I saw up and thought, right I’ve had time to be low and now I’ve got to get on with what I need to do. For now, that means resting but keeping my mind active, doing my physio and then slowly moving up with the goal of still having a great summer. What’s being miserable going to achieve?

Now I know what some of you are thinking, It’s great for her, but I can’t do that. Let me tell you a little secret, for years when people told me to ‘stop being negative’ I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell and fight and make them understand that I just couldn’t be, why didn’t they understand? I just couldn’t be positive, I couldn’t get out of this black cloud and sometimes you can’t. You have to be at a point where you’re well enough and bit by bit you will get there, it just takes time.

Anyway, back to today. I’m not saying I won’t have lows, I have depression lows are a part of my life, so are anxiety attacks. I just want to try and control them, grab positives when I can. It is hard and I am struggling but I’ve been worse than this before and somehow I got through. I know I’m stubborn and headstrong, so I’m going to try and use that to be positive when I can. I’ve got so many people helping and caring for me, the least I can do is try. Although I had an avalanche of bad news, it wasn’t all bad, I’ve got an interview for some really incredible work opportunities, I got to see Joe today and I finally have physio booked!

Being positive with a mental health condition isn’t always easy but it is possible, just not all the time! Take some time to do something you want to do, go back to something you enjoy (for me it’s been sketching), make a plan of things you’d like to do or ,if you’re like me, lists can make you feel so much more in control of the situation (which I struggle with, not being in control make a very stressed Chloe). So even if right now, there is no light you can see in your life. If things are so stressful you just want to hide under the covers, you’ll get there and there WILL be better things to come. Also why not try reading the ‘helping yourself list‘ I wrote about last year?

I hope you’ve enjoyed todays blog, as ever leave a comment below and let me know what you think!

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I have to say it

I’m feeling low, there I said it, I typed what I’ve wanted to type for days. I’m trying so hard to be positive and thankful all the time but I’m so worried about all this. No one tells me what’s really going on and I’m losing all my faith in the NHS, which I hate. I’ve always been someone who shouts how great it is and for most of the time (apart from my mental health) I’ve been seen and sorted with kindess and concern. Now I don’t know if it’s because I’m older but no one who’s supposed to be taking care of me medically cares.

Everyone’s telling me to do this, do that, don’t to this blah, blah,blah. The thing is? The people I need to tell me the stuff I can and can’t do aren’t listening. I’ve had these fractures for 3 weeks and by sobbing in A&E last night it’s the only way it’s been pushed through. I was treated like shit by the doctor last night, he didn’t care, he any sympathy, I waited 4 hours for his rudeness.

I feel so lost and lonely. Ali’s working his arse off looking after me, my parents and grandparents are all worried and I hate it. I hate it. Sometimes I want to scream and launch things because this is the kind of low I’ve never experienced before. I can’t just do what I normally do when I’m going into a low, go from along walk to clear my head because that walk leaves me in a lot of pain and having to lie down and think again. I’m fed up, lonely and so worried about what’s going on with me spine. Am I crazy?

I’m supposed to be going for a meal with work tonight, I’m a ball of anxiety and not wanting to go. You watch me walk and you know something’s wrong. I know Joe’s going to have to help me tonight and, well, I’m fiercely independent and to me it’s just embarrassing.

I’m sorry to write such negativity, I might change my mind later if/when I go out. I just need a hug and hopefully I’ll sleep this low off later. I really, really hope so. Maybe I’ll write again later.

Much love to you all and thank you for your support x

I’m not giving up.

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I’ve spent a lot of time thinking for the past few days and it’s not always been positive. Being stuck indoors and not allowed to even clean when I feel like it has been getting me down, as has being in pain whenever I get up or go for a walk. I mean I’m human, those kinds of things would make most people fed up.

I haven’t slept much since yesterday and my painkillers are definitely kicking in because I’m sleepy as I write this (hooray!). I’ve been trying to get on with things as much as possible and without realising it I’ve gotten quite a lot done today, going for a walk to get parts of Eleanor’s leaving present, submitting my final assignments (yay!) and reading over a quarter of another book.

It’s weird knowing that I have 6 weeks of recovery and not doing too much, 6 weeks of living with this and not being able to go at a million miles per hour like I normally do, it’s going to take a bit of getting used to. I promised I’d be honest, I’ve been really low at times since this happened and cried a lot, mostly out of frustration. I feel slowed down and tired and I just want to do everything like normal. Ali says just think of it as a little holiday, do things I want to do and relax, I suppose he’s right to some extent.

I started reading Katie Piper’s Beautiful Ever After, she’s cheered me up once again. I was meant to meet Katie at the KU Talent Awards this year, she was supposed to be hosting but got rushed to hospital instead. I was gutted not to meet her but obviously glad that she was going to be ok, I’m hoping she’ll still come and visit Kingston because she’s an inspiration to me. So I’ve just sat reading the book and it’s made me smile and not feel so low. It’s also inspired me to use these 6 weeks to do something. I just want to write at the moment, I might take a crack at the novel again, write the blog and add more of my experiences and do some mental health work. I can use my recovery time to do some good through my laptop 🙂

In short, I’m not giving up. I’m not silly enough to believe that writing this post is going to magically change my mindset and there will be no more tears or frustrations, there will because I’m human. I just hope that I can start something good while I’m stuck with not a lot to do.

Please, please, please use the comments section below! I’d love to use this time to chat to you guys! Or drop me a tweet @chloemetzger 🙂

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Argh!

I’m sure the feeling of wanting to hide away and tell everyone to piss off is not lost on you guys. Everyone has those days, or in my case evenings when your tired, irritated and just want some space, some room to breathe from everyone. Sometimes mine goes a little deeper than that.

Next week is reading week, that’s right I’m six weeks in to my course and I’m definitely feeling it, although not necessarily from just studying. Societies, friendships, band stuff, working, volunteering for things, basically right now I’m exhausted. I’m ready for reading week and although I’m working half of it, the other half I want to just chill out, relax and not think about too much. I know I’m doing well, but sometimes when I’m doing well I burn out, get tired and then quickly start to get very unhappy.

The past few days have been a little bit like that, I know things are going well and then I don’t want to stop. Sometimes I just kind of forget my illness and try and get everything done because I’m excited and happy, I forget that as a part of this I need to rest too. It sounds silly but  rest is HUGE part of recovering from depression because it is exhausting. Low days make me so tired, I get pulled down and I just can’t do anything because it’s like a weight on me that I’m struggling to lift, sometimes for days.

If I’m honest I’m not at my strongest right now because I need a rest BUT I have found that when I go horse riding I feel a lot better, I get on the horse and that is all I focus on, no phone, no internet, no thoughts, just me and the horse. Today I rode Princess, a lovely older horse. I picked it up quite quickly and had a good ride and good feedback, I could feel my muscles getting stronger and actually my self worth. I’d never done this before and now I could do it and I loved it.

So when I go from feeling that good to just feeling generally useless I get frustrated and angry, sometimes to the point where I want to lash out at my illness because it’s just not where I want to be. I want to be happy and stay on one level but sometimes I just can’t.

I have a stack of blogs to upload for you all and I’ll get on that as soon as I can.

Sorry guys, it’s really just one of those nights apparently.

All of me

 

 

Sometimes you give all of yourself to something, only to feel like you’ve failed anyway. It’s the worst feeling in the world, especially when history begins to repeat itself. You question yourself, doubt yourself. If you’re like me you have this constant feeling it must be your fault, even if it’s not. Music is healing for me but because it’s what I want to do with my life it can shatter my heart as if it were made of glass.

If I want to make myself understand something I’ll write a song or sometimes if I’m lucky enough I’ll find one that already says everything I need to say, because I don’t know how to say it myself. you may think this is pretty down but today had, for the majority, been a good day. I love waking up next to Ali, it gives me a boost in the morning, I feel loved. It’s like when I go home I like hearing people in the house, I like feeling like there is someone there, like I’m not alone.

Right now I can’t wait to get out of halls, to leave it and get away. I don’t feel happy in this room, I feel lonely and isolated. I don’t feel like I have anyone to turn to or talk to. I am completely and utterly alone here. It’s sad and I haven’t wanted to admit it but it’s true. I read and listen to music here but that seems to be all. I try and make sure I’m not here, even when I’m tired.

I’ve gotten slightly off topic now. Either way I don’t want to give up, I want to carry on but sometimes it’s the last thing on my damn mind. Today I’m mad, I’m mad at so many things and I just don’t know what to do about so many things.