I hate to use this blog in any way to rant but I think I’ve been pushed to my limit. As much as I want to be positive all the time I’m not and I don’t think it’s fair to pretend to you all that I am. My transfer got declined and it was a huge blow, so I’m stuck on Creative Writing for the rest of the year and I’m not ashamed to say that I cried. My brain feels like it’s going to explode all I want to do it be FREE!!! I miss writing, I miss enjoying writing for myself and not doing exercises that take the fun out of creating a character. I miss not being able to travel the world through a character. I miss being a writer.
It’s not because it’s a bad course I know a lot of people who really enjoy it, it’s just not for me at all. I think mostly it’s down to the way I write. I have until March on the course I keep trying but it is driving me insane and I just want to study full field. Half the problem is me being a perfectionist I can’t stand the thought that there will be even a slight mark on my transcript forever and I know that’s stupid but it’s just how much I care. I worked so damn hard to get here and now all I can think is that I made the wrong damn choice last year and I should have just taken full field. The thought of ‘just passing’ makes me feel ill, I just can’t stand not getting 100% out of this. The worst thing is that it’s not because I’m bad at the course I get great feedback, I’m just really bored at the moment.
Despite saying this I’m going carry on and go to all of my classes. My English Literature tutor has once again been an angel, along with the Director of Studies for English, they have kindly offered their time so I can build my skills and be ready for second year. In a lot of ways I feel incredibly lucky that I came to Kingston, the support network is incredible here. As well as all this I also have some pretty awesome people around. I can’t be positive all the time and that’s ok, I guess it’s what makes me human we all have bad days sometimes….I just have to find a way to deal with them.