One of the things most people notice about me early on is that I like to know what I’m doing. It’s a blessing and a curse at the same time, while family and friends joke that I’m my boyfriends P.A as well it drives him insane. My diary (above) is like my bible and ever since I started college I have always needed to have a planner. Unlike most of my generation I don’t trust putting things in my phone, I need to write everything down. Many of my uni friends already know me as that girl who knows what’s going on, I make it my business to note things down and usually it comes in handy. One days like today however, I go a little nuts.
Everyone knows that there are things in life that we have no control over, we cant organise we can only guess. University is one of those things apparently. Today was just one of those days where I get stressed and anxious about anything that I don’t have any control over in my life (which is happening a lot lately). Where a lot of people will just tell me to calm down sometimes I can’t, the problem with anxiety I’ve found is that once something gets under your skin you can’t shake it off. Today I found out I’d been given the wrong information again and it could be another month before I receive what I am entitled to from the DSA. It seems silly but this sent me into a wild panic because there are things (such as my 1-1 mentoring) which I was relying on coming through quickly to help me. Luckily I seem to have a very supportive uni and should be able to set this up over the phone and explain the situation. The problem is once I panic about one thing it leads to another, then another, then another and I find myself stuck in a low which I hate. I’ve always been organised so it’s not something to do with my illness in general but it does help me to be organised I feel more in control of things.
Apart from being pain in the arse organised today (well at least trying to be) some other things managed to happen. My little sister went back to school happily which was a huge relief for me, I always get nervous for her but she seems to be happy. After my post yesterday about not having the shakes from going back to school I thought I had got away with it. Like hell had I. Guess who was waiting outside my house this afternoon parked up outside my mums car? One of the girls who beat me up in year nine which turned into kicking the crap out of me for 2 days along with one of my ex boyfriends I believe. I honestly couldn’t believe it as we pulled up, I knew she had no idea I lived here and it was coincidence but my oh my did the feelings come back. It happens usually when I see kids who beat me up or we’re particular pains to me at school and what did I do? Got into the house and hid and I was so ashamed of myself. The thing is you think your strong and can take them on but I can’t lie to myself and say it doesn’t affect me any more because it does. Just like the DSA stuff this isn’t something I can plan for and organise, but I now realise that’s ok and I’ll get there in time. To put it bluntly it reminded me how much I wanted to leave this town behind and get away. It put away all my fears and doubts which I’ve been having lately (and if your reading this having doubts your not the only one, all my friends are also nervous it’s a natural part of the process of uni, you’ll do ok!… I hope).
Once I felt a bit better and recovered from my shock (which I’m ashamed to admit made me get quite low) I headed to my boyfriends for an evening with his family. Seeing as we’re both moving dinners with our families are getting more regular, mums roast last night was beautiful) and we had a lovely time chatting!
So the message is you can have a really crap day and it can turn out alright 🙂 Keep smiling!