Tag: uni

Works night out!

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Adam and I, I’m sure going to miss this guy! 

Tonight I found myself in the pub again but this time with different friends and making new friends! My job as a Student Ambassador lets me do a lot of things and tonight it was a night out with my fellow KUSAs to say goodbye and goodluck to the thirds years because we’re going to lose them.

I’m really proud of myself because I was so nervous and I really threw myself into the night out and made a lot of new friends. I absolutely loved it and may have had a few more ciders than I planned with dinner but it was all in fun despite the rain! I really love some of the third years and it’s going to be so weird having them leave and being a second year ambassador, I can only hope I can do as much by the time I’m a third year.

So there we are the second night in a row of having fun and actually being out and I’m really enjoying myself! It’s unbelievable how much passing my test has boosted my confidence and made myself feel better!

Through the other side

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It’s impossible to notice that I haven’t been as bright and breezy as I could have been lately. My posts haven’t been very long or interesting. I want to be honest with you guys because you take the time to sit and read through my blog a lot and I get support from you all, more than you probably know. 

Since I’ve got back I’ve been struggling quite a lot and it’s not fair on a lot of people, especially me. I wanted to publish a book on the best uni experience later on and give advice. I wanted to be cool and a great fresher and just do so many amazing things and just, well, be perfect. Thing is I’m not and no one should go to uni thinking like that. 

The last week or so have been tough. I posted a few days ago on twitter that books and silence have become my life. Largely they have. I’ve just sat in my room and read constantly. You know the saying silence is deafening? It’s true. I’ve hidden away in my room and stayed in silence, music hasn’t played. I don’t know what happened to me, I cam back and I was so happy and excited but when I’m stuck in this room I don’t know what to do any more. I don’t have work to make me concentrate I just kind of read, constantly.

I was so excited about going to band practice this week and then when I was there it just all got a bit too much. It was weird I hate being alone but being surrounded by noise was so weird. The weeks just dragged on really. Yesterday was different  I’d been down again but going to work cheered me up and then I got to stay with Ali and despite being up ill all night I feel so much better. 

I wanted to tell you all this because I’m trying. This is harder now uni is over for the summer but now I’m happy again I can see all the amazing things I’ve done this year. I’m coming through the other side, I have a great job, this amazing band. I’ve just got to slow down and realise that these things take time. I have this illness but it’s not who I am. It’s just a part of me that might go away, it might not I don’t know. Right now, I’n getting through this and I’m going to be ok. 

Back again, for the last time

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Technically this is the last term of my first year, although obviously teach ended weeks ago. I took the opportunity to go food shopping as Mum was giving me a lift back, there’s nothing I hate more than lugging bags of food back from Sainsbury’s in the rain! So we packed up the car, boot full and headed back. 

I must admit I’ve been nervous all day about coming back. I like listening to the noise in my house, I like having people I’m comfortable around, I like having the option of being around people. You don’t get that here. Well I’m sure you do in some flats but I find mine quite a lonely place and I don’t like sitting here with nothing to do. Surprisingly though, after a little wobble earlier I’m okay. I feel ok and kind of focused, I have deadlines, a job and a new flat to work out so it’ll be keep me busy. 

One thing making me nervous though is my mental health support team. I think I’m almost out of ‘alloted hours’ and I could be refused more. The problem is these don’t change with the circumstances of my condition. If I’m feeling awful and in need of help I can apply for more hours, but there is no certainty that it will be granted. I like my mentor a lot, she helps me work through things when I’m really anxious and cutting that off when I still have another 2 months of halls to live in doesn’t make me feel good. I’ll put in the application and fight if it gets denied but this is the problem with MH. We’re constantly told ‘lack of funding’ lack of this, lack of that. It’s taken me 5 years to get help at all, like hell am I letting it go now. 

So in two months time it will be goodbye to Seething Wells and hello to the new flat. I’m excited and nervous and just about everything. I’m hoping this will be really good for me, I wont be forced to be alone any more if I’m feeling down! 

So here it goes, one more term…. 

Some time with my sister and heading back

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Not our most flattering photo 

When I come home I like to make a big deal out of spending time with my sister. It was a really hard thing, leaving her behind to go to uni. I wanted to be around while she tackles being a teenager and she still has a way to go until she is one. Tonight’s treat was Nandos, just the two of us. It’s something we’ve done before and that we like doing together, as usual big sister pays! I don’t mind though. 

I am nervous about going back tomorrow, it’s easy to get lonely in halls and when I’m lonely it’s easy to get low. I’m trying to stay positive and focus in the future.  

Being Creative

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I know, I know my blogging skills have been slacking lately. I’ve been awful and all over the place for so many reasons I can’t list them all on here. I’ve had family stuff, illness stuff, house stuff name anything and it’s probably been a giant pain in the ass in the last few weeks but thinking about it this didn’t help me to understand why I not only wasn’t writing but why I didn’t want to. It seems odd that his time last year I was trying to write a novel and now I can’t bring myself to write even a song, but I think I’ve worked it out. Confidence. 

A lack of confidence with my writing is something I’ve never felt before. I’ve never really had to feel that way about it, my readers have always been happy and that was enough for me. Then I enrolled on a Creative Writing course and for me it couldn’t have been a worse decision. Now I’m not knocking Kingston, I love my uni with a passion but it’s not secret I’m leaving the Creative Writing course. I just don’t enjoy it, I haven’t really since the first week. I couldn’t get creative from the lessons, it stopped me being creative if anything and made me worry far too much of what others thought of me, I don’t need any more of that! 

Music and writing are now two things I can’t be academically involved with, I don’t want to do it to please people or to their rules. I want to be able to use the words I use and not be restricted because someone doesn’t like them. I want to be free to write in a way that suits me. 

The thing is creativity is where I can be myself and not have to worry and I’m afraid doing Creative Writing as a course really knocked my confidence. While my peers loved my work there were more than one academic who didn’t because it wasn’t their style. I now have a load of rules in my head that are stopping me from writing. I don’t review any more because I’m so nervous about making a mistake and not ‘grabbing’ the reader. I’ve forgotten what I started doing 2 years ago and why. I wrote because I loved it and that bought people in, it still does when I stop worrying enough to write one. 

I’m not knocking all Creative Writing courses, my classmates seemed happy and came up with some fab stuff but it just wasn’t for me, it made me really unhappy and kind of made me forget why I write. I don’t want to worry about nit picking and the correct punctuation when I write something for the first time. I did have two fantastic teachers this year, both I value very highly and they liked my work and gave me constructive criticism if and when it was needed. 

My  point is that now I’ve decided to stick with academics I’m hoping I can have creativity as fun and release. Do I want it as a job? Of course I do but I know that kind would be different. Now is the time to trial things, make mistakes and then go for it with the writing and the music. 

Not one, but two!

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I’m going to be super happy and shout from the roof tops and I think I’m allowed to! Guess who won today at the English Literature awards!!!!!!!!! I’m so happy, being recognised for Academic Contribution and winning is more than I could have ever hoped for at uni, it’s far beyond anything I would have expected. I’m so excited by this and to top it off I was commended for the Best Overall Achiever award! I am really pleased that another girl, Daisy won though, she’s amazing in lectures and would make a great teacher.

My Mum, Sister and Ali came with me today, it was so nice just to have them there on such a big occasion to me. Here’s to the next 2 (or hopefully 3!) years at Kingston.

Talking about Depression ‘The Other Side of the Coin’ event and our first flat viewing

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A copy of Lizzie’s tweet, this made me very proud of myself! 

 

After last nights attempt at a video to try and get used to talking to people about depression in a more formal and informative way you’d think I would have been a little less nervous about today. I was, very slightly but that didn’t stop the nerves creeping in after a lack of sleep again. What do I wear? How did I manage to get toothpaste on my top? What did I want to say again? URgh, Urgh, Urgh! 

I managed to make it to the lecture room early, much before everyone else and I was calm at this point. I knew I was here on time, Lizzie from the Students Union would be there soon, along with the other speakers whom I had never met before. I soon started chatting to Gabby, a masters student who was going to be part of a small group talking about Bipolar. It was nice to talk to someone else about mental illness before speaking, it put me in the right frame of mind and made me feel safe. There were also two other speakers talking about sight and post traumatic stress disorder. Although I was anxious  I really wanted some of my faculty to walk in and support me. A lot of my friends couldn’t make it for various reasons so I was hoping someone I recognised would. I nthe end it was the KUTalent team who eased my nerves (who I have to say took a lot of notes in the lecture. 

Before long, despite a smaller turn out than I had thought, we set up the camera and began the lecture/presentation. I was first before running off to a flat viewing. I’ll admit I did feel nervous, would I make an impact? How do I want to come across? Will the videos I watched of others giving speeches have any impact? I hadn’t written anything down but I was hoping I would need to. I started off with the video ‘I have a black dog, his name is depression’ to give people a sense of understanding and hopefully empathy. The talk went well, I focused on my strengths not my weaknesses and incorporated them into what I was trying to say. I put empasis on three things that people with Anxiety and Depression need, time, patience and understanding because these all relate to the idea of ‘good days’ and ‘bad days’, something I wanted to stress and use myself as an example for. 

I feel like the tlk went well and was a good opener, from what I could see I got a good response. I also learnt a lot today about others, their determination, their motivation and how they learn. Unfortunately I had to leave before my friends part, I’m sure she was brilliant and after speaking to her after she seemed happy. Although I’m disappointed that more people didn’t come I know they’ll see it. We’ll be using the talk in their training now and I’m hopefully going to work towards raising awareness and being a part of the student support group. 

As I mentioned I had to go to mine and Ali’s first flat viewing and it was eventful…in true fashion I ended up hitting a low at the end. Brilliant. As with everyone else the process of flat hunting is stressful, for us it’s a whole different kind of stressful. I’ve never done this before and it’s showing Ali and I parts of our relationship we haven’t had a go at yet. We have argued about flats and where to live and all the rest of it and our first viewing really made me nervous. I’d been to a flat viewing before and the lady was lovely. The flat was spacious but there was something that didn’t feel right. After seeing the bathroom and bedroom I just had a gut instinct of no. By the time we got back to the flat I was in a full scale panic. Had we looked at this, at that? What if we couldn’t live near Kingston Hill, What f they were all the same price, How would we afford things. The list went on and so I sat and cried and lashed out and this is the reality of what  I had been talking about. The smallest panic and I can completely lose myself. 

Eventually I calmed down, exhausted and we started talking before I got a call from the university. We were being offered the opportunity to view another flat! As if all my prayers had been answered we both called our Mums, we’d look at the flat tomorrow but hopefully this one was it. We decided that we both had to feel comfortable and both Mums gave us some vital advice; don’t rush into things and don’t panic. 

With this in mind I think it’ll be easier to sleep tonight. Since Jens left it’s harder to be back at Seething Wells but I’m ok, I think. Just lonely. Hopefully tomorrow will bring some good news, this flat stuff is doing my head in! 

Last day but still so much to do

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Today was my last day of first year! All my classes are over and technically apart from submissions online I’m on my summer holidays, what a weird feeling to have in March. Unlike my fellow students I am back at Ali’s flat by midnight, not because I didn’t want to party but because I wanted to just curl up and sleep and get away from very rude boys at the SU (although I’m sure if Rhys had caught them they wouldn’t have been so cocky).

To put it lightly for a last day it’s been stressful I hate being a downer but I didn’t enjoy myself today. I’ve been feeling up and down all day and the downs have slightly taken over, it didn’t help that only one person in Creative Writing wished me a nice summer, and I did him, he’s a nice guy. I do wish I’d made more friends in those classes but at the same time it doesn’t matter. I made it through a year of the classes and now if all goes to plan I get to switch to English Lit and the stress will be worth it… I hope. So why so sad you ask? Well housing is driving me mad and I’ve had both some positive and negative responses about the blog lately. People are saying its a world wide web diary. It’s not. It’s me trying to share my experiences and help others through their own with what has worked for me. If this was a diary it would be a lot more angry haha!

So between feeling a bit lonely about my CW course, confused about what I’m meant to do now classes are over and generally tired and stressed about housing and second year all I really want right now is to curl up in bed with a nice cup of tea and try not to worry about one looming deadline in particular…

Here’s to tomorrow, my first day of summer…apparently!

My first day at work

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We have a walking talking Banana and Orange….Come to KU! 

I’ll admit getting up at 6 and being on a bus by 7.20am was not my ideal way of starting a new job. After Mum and I managed to see the clock at both 2 and 3am I was genuinely surprised I woke up feeling okay apart from a little sick from a lack of food. It was pretty calm for 7am, quiet and not that cold either which felt very nice when I’d had little sleep (although I’m glad I went with jeans instead of shorts). 

I ended up being at work early and planned to grab a drink and something to eat but everything was shut, food would have to wait. I got stuck in straight away though and chatting to the other ambassadors, the worries of last night seemed to be behind me thank goodness. We started putting banners up, helping anywhere needed before being assigned our roles for the day. I was going to be on accommodation tours…damn! I was nervous not knowing how they were run and not have the best experience all the time but because I was new I was placed with another ambassador Beth who I already knew and luckily shares the same love of books and certain lecturers. I didn’t need to be worried as after leaving our second tour another coach came and I had to take over….in front of my new boss.

This burst of energy just came out of me, I loved the people and I loved them asking me questions. It was like being on stage working the crowd, making them feel at ease and making them laugh. I done the same tour from 9-3.30 and at one point took a group of 43 people with a fellow ambassador to make sure I was ok. I made a difference! By the end of the day after long conversations about 3 people decided they were going to make Kingston their first choice, one girl after asking what negatives I experienced. I told her that 90% of things like timetable issues would be sorted and said that I found the university brilliant. I wasn’t lying when I told them that coming to university was the best decision I ever made. 

 The day went very quickly and I made lots of friends and felt like I belonged almost instantly. This is something I CAN do, something I know I’ll enjoy until I leave, hopefully after my masters in 2017! I told people today I was staying for my masters and that’s true I am now more determined than ever to get that scholarship and study! 

As work came to a close I was asked to go to the pub with Beth (trying to hide my childlike excitement that I had been invited to the pub by people!) we took a stroll through town after free pastry and then she took me to a lovely pub right on the river and we talked about everything from books to our own lives. Beth is very special, I want more than anything to see her go on to do well because she is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. 

 

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The view from the riverside 
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Although not at our most glam, Beth and I after a hard days work

I now have a chart on my wall with how many Ambassador things I do, I’m hoping to beat my friend Adams who is a SA celeb around here! With meetings planned ahead and more days work planned I don’t think I’ll ever want to give up this job. Ever! 

Being one step ahead of the game

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If there’s one thing you can always count on me for is being ahead of the game when possible. I’m almost always crazy busy these days and looking to get ahead in my studies. The way my brain works is ‘Ok I can read this book now, I know that ones next so I’ll take a quick look at the synopsis while I finish’. I know the rough guidelines for next years module guides, I scan the house hunt pages every day and I’ve been talking to my lecturers about my plans to continue on with a masters and the small fund I have set up. 

Tonight has been my first ‘day off’ in about 2 weeks, some quality time I wanted to spend with Ali. It was nice with the sunshine but we decided we wanted to just be alone for once, shut out everyone else and once it got dar ksit and catch up on tv we had missed. We’re both stressed at the moment, as of September we’ll be officially moving in together and that is a big deal! People think because we’ve been together so long we don’t get nervous about things like this, we definately do. We have the same disagreements as everyone else, where do we live, how much do we want to pay, do you have to bring that piece of furniture (me to him), do you have to bring so many books (him to me), what colours do we want thing to be (I’m still rooting for this one, bright colours for the win!). 

There is one thing many of you don’t know. Without Ali I wouldn’t be writing this blog, I wouldn’t be at university and I’d probably be a lot more depressed. I’m not going to get mushy and gushy but he saved me, he picked me up more times than he needed to and I will be eternally grateful. So everything I’m achieving, Student Ambassador, KUTalent award nomination, the band, this blog in some wayy relates back to him. So when people ask if I mind that I go to his more than he goes to mine, no not at all we have something very strong which brings be back to the point of being one step ahead. I can’t do that with Ali and believe me that’s a good thing!

He’s very supportive of my decision to save up and continue on to a masters at the end of my degree and has very kindly said he will help to support me if I need it (seriously one of a kind). So after being so, so happy tonight curled up and just relaxing for once I got back and continued to try and get on top of things. Then I strayed to masters sights after reading an article on Young Adult fiction. So I googled masters in this area just to be nosy.  Cambridge came up to my surprise, I read on and was intrigued. Could I go to Cambridge? The only thought I’d had was back in year 9 when I got invited to a gifted and talented day at the college and they spoke to us about univeristy, ah nieve 14 year old me put up a right fuss and said that plenty of jobs don’t need a degree, I want to be a musician and why pay £3000 a year. I ended up being friends with one of the speakers and going on holiday with her, paying £8750 a year for a degree but I still want to be a musician. Anyway I was browsing through thinking this might be possible and then I read this lovely quote on the website 

The University does not allow students to undertake paid work outside the University or a college while they are studying full-time, and you should not expect to accrue additional income in this way. However, academic-related work – especially teaching undergraduates – can provide postgraduate students with valuable transferable skills, and a limited amount of this type of work is encouraged, provided it does not interfere with your studies.

Right, ok then well that leaves me and anyone else who isn’t rich buggered then. No Student Ambassadors for Cambridge. I was shocked, outraged and realised I was right all those years ago to dismiss an idea like Oxford or Cambridge.I thought these restrictions were something of a myth! I knew then and know now I wouldn’t have fit in and so I’ll stick with Kingston for my masters, hopefully. I love this uni, I love that I can be myself and it’s accepted even my struggles. I’m going to apply for a masters scholarship in my 3rd year for definite. Cambridge can keep their masters programme because although Kingston might not be top of the tables, they sure know how to make a girl feel like she can achieve.