Tag: unhappy

One of the hardest goodbyes

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IMG_1646I’m writing this with a broken heart. Yesterday Rubey was sold and left the yard, I wasn’t able to say goodbye as it all happened so quickly. There’s something about a connection with animals that is so different than humans. When I first moved to Kingston, the hardest thing to adjust to was not having my dog at the end of my bed, even now she’s the hardest to leave after a weekend at home. Rubey kind of filled that need this year, not because of riding her because she was so affectionate.

Part of me doesn’t know how I’m going to go to the stables on Wednesday without seeing her and having a cuddle. A lot of people don’t understand, because she’s not mine, it’s hard to explain but I just had that bond with her and she was there for me all of this year. Her owner is heartbroken too because Rubey leaving was just so quick.

In my heart she’ll never be replaced, ever. She was the first horse I really connected with, even if I do love all of the others at the stables. I’ve just had an update though that she’s at her new stables being loved and cared for and is happy.

It’s one of the hardest points of this year but if she’s going to be loved I guess I can deal with it.

Struggle

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Life isn’t always easy, any idiot can tell you that. I’m writing just a little bit tonight because, again, I haven’t been doing so good. Every time this happens I feel like I’m letting you all down, myself down, the band. I’ve been slipping lately as have my relationships, attendance and general health. In short I’ve been unhappy for a few weeks and therefore all over the place.

Basically I just haven’t been myself, back to the Doctors and we’ve adjusted my plan again, it’s something I need to do but it doesn’t mean I’m completely happy about it. I just feel like these struggles are constant and I need a break, but the thing is with depression, you don’t get one. It’s an illness and as much as I hate it it’s there and I can’t just wave a wand and get rid of it, who knows maybe that would make it worse. You need to know sadness and pain to be truly happy, which means when I am happy I really appreciate it more.

Tonight and yesterday we’re a bit of a meltdown, missing my lecture because of a panic attack and then again today having a panic attack at band practice…I haven’t had one of those in well over a year, maybe two. It’s tough, it’s scary when your having one but I’m going to be ok, I hope. Also I’m not the only one stressed and worried at the moment, every one I know is a little stressed about deadlines or just life in general, it makes it a little better and makes me feel like less of a freak.

I just wanted to let you know, I might be a little bit scatty but hopefully the changes in my plan will make things better, all I ask is my lovely followers give me a bit of time.