Tag: perfect

Banishing Body Blues

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Honesty time, I have spend this evening wallowing in my own self pity feeling awful and wanting to cry. Why? You ask? Not the injury, I haven’t failed anything (that I know of), nope I couldn’t fit into last years summer clothes. That’s it. Seems silly right? I’ve spent all evening trying to pal na blog but blocked by this big dark cloud of feeling worthless. So I write a blog (it sucked) and put on my iTunes to Emma Blackery, my favourite Youtuber, her song Perfect sits there. I’ve put it above because it’s such an uplifting song. I started listening to it and I was like yeah you know, I’m okay.

I might not be a size 8 any more and it sucks that some of my clothes don’t fit but right now I’m recovering. I can hardly walk but I’ve been crying over putting on weight? No logic there, right? My family, Ali and Friends tell me that it’s the least of my worries with a fractured spine, if there’s any time not to feel guilty about weight gain, it’s now.

I don’t want to be this critical of myself, if anything I think it’s just wanting control back of my body. It’s just letting me down and I hate it and there is nothing I can do, which hurts the most. Since I’ve been getting better from the depression I’ve wanted to be so positive and do things but I fall down sometimes and want to go back to bad habits. I’m still fighting and I wanted to share this song with you because I know that everyone has their own struggles, something I wrote about a couple of months back.

Am I completely happy and fine and cheery? No, that’s why I wrote this because if any of you are going through the same thing I want you to know it’s ok. I don’t want it to become this big disgusting secret and I might get crap for this but guess what I PUT ON WEIGHT. Just like all of us will at some point in our lives, I might put it on, lose it, I might never reach a size 8 again and I’ll never be the same size as my tiny sister. I’m trying to focus on the positives though, I’m smart, I’m going on a course in ATHENS for my work and can travel with my lovely boyfriend. It’s all about trying to put it in perspective and hopefully I can keep listening to the music until this cloud decides to go.

As always I’d love to talk to you guys so leave a comment! If you want to hear more about Emma Blackery you can also check out her YouTube channel, it’s brilliant. What are you waiting for, click the link here for her regular channel and here for lifestyle and advice!

Trying to be ‘perfect’

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We all want to be ‘perfect’, come on you know that in some way you do whether that be career, family, image or anything like that. I’ve been back at uni for two weeks and the familiar anxieties have started to creep in, am I doing enough? Am I going to get a good degree? Will I be able to get onto MA? Will I be able to get a job? Theses are things a lot of students think about a lot of the time, but sometimes that doesn’t make it any easier.

I’ve been musing over what to write for the past two days when I received a notification that Hannah Gale had just written a post about trying to be the best, in the low mood I was in I was curious. I started to read and I couldn’t stop, Hannah had just put it all in perspective for me. Although I’ve never met her I just wanted to hug her and go YES SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS HOW I FEEL! I’m constantly putting pressure on myself to best the best, to try and be just a little bit perfect, but that doesn’t work for me.

I always put pressure on myself to do well, I don’t know where it comes from because I’ve never had those kinds of pushy parents. My Mum’s words for me were ‘do what makes you happy, if you’re happy I’m happy’ and so I chose everything I have today, she never forced me to do anything despite visiting Kingston endless times with me so I could be sure she just wanted me to be happy. None of my family have been academics and it’s fair to say that by year 11 no one thought I was going to be an academic, maybe that’s what spurred me on, being the kid who people thought would get no where.

So I work on and on and on. Everyone tells me to take a break but I just have such high standards for myself, all the time. I don’t regret it but I’m learning to love myself a bit more which for me means not being so hard on myself. Not getting angry when I have a low or don’t do as well as I planned or have to stay in bed because I’m sick. After pushing myself for years and being that kind of person it’s hard but step by step I’m getting there. I’m planning trips around Europe, writing again and honestly trying to get through the hurdles as best I can.

One day I’ll let go of ‘perfect’ and 100% appreciate happy for what it is.