Tag: Mental Health

I’m not giving up.

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I’ve spent a lot of time thinking for the past few days and it’s not always been positive. Being stuck indoors and not allowed to even clean when I feel like it has been getting me down, as has being in pain whenever I get up or go for a walk. I mean I’m human, those kinds of things would make most people fed up.

I haven’t slept much since yesterday and my painkillers are definitely kicking in because I’m sleepy as I write this (hooray!). I’ve been trying to get on with things as much as possible and without realising it I’ve gotten quite a lot done today, going for a walk to get parts of Eleanor’s leaving present, submitting my final assignments (yay!) and reading over a quarter of another book.

It’s weird knowing that I have 6 weeks of recovery and not doing too much, 6 weeks of living with this and not being able to go at a million miles per hour like I normally do, it’s going to take a bit of getting used to. I promised I’d be honest, I’ve been really low at times since this happened and cried a lot, mostly out of frustration. I feel slowed down and tired and I just want to do everything like normal. Ali says just think of it as a little holiday, do things I want to do and relax, I suppose he’s right to some extent.

I started reading Katie Piper’s Beautiful Ever After, she’s cheered me up once again. I was meant to meet Katie at the KU Talent Awards this year, she was supposed to be hosting but got rushed to hospital instead. I was gutted not to meet her but obviously glad that she was going to be ok, I’m hoping she’ll still come and visit Kingston because she’s an inspiration to me. So I’ve just sat reading the book and it’s made me smile and not feel so low. It’s also inspired me to use these 6 weeks to do something. I just want to write at the moment, I might take a crack at the novel again, write the blog and add more of my experiences and do some mental health work. I can use my recovery time to do some good through my laptop 🙂

In short, I’m not giving up. I’m not silly enough to believe that writing this post is going to magically change my mindset and there will be no more tears or frustrations, there will because I’m human. I just hope that I can start something good while I’m stuck with not a lot to do.

Please, please, please use the comments section below! I’d love to use this time to chat to you guys! Or drop me a tweet @chloemetzger 🙂

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Book Review – Reasons to Stay Alive – Matt Haig

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What are the reasons to stay alive? When you feel like there isn’t much left in the world and the people you love would be better off without you. This is the position Matt Haig found himself in during his 20s as he decided to commit suicide. Now I know what you’re thinking, what a cheerful book why would I read that but I’m here to change your mind. Haig writes with intelligence, kindness and has the ability to make you laugh in this book. I picked this up after hearing a lot about it and I was curious. Was this going to be some slep help guide where the key to depression was ‘positive thinking and getting on with it’, you’ll be pleased to know that I have road tested it and it is not one of those awful books.

If you know anyone with depression, you’re experiencing it or you’ve been through it you need to read this. Actually scratch that I think everyone should read this book. Haig has done something astounding with this book because he’s honest. He’s honest in the fact that he doesn’t pretend that depression magically goes away or that you forget your lowest points. The book is a mix of facts, lists, experiences and things that might help. Don’t get me wrong this isn’t a ‘how to get better guide’, far from it, this is a book that helps people understand a truly confusing illness.

This is the only book I’ve read so far that makes sense to me, that makes me feel like I’ve come really far because a lot of the situations that are mentioned in the book are ones that I have lived through. There are things that are hard to understand, like why walking to the corner shop would send someone into a wave of panic, anxiety and fear. I’ve been there. I’ve been trapped in my own head and Haig has explained it perfectly, so much so that I’ve recommended this book to various people wither as a way of understanding or to for them to make sense of themselves.

I will give this book 5 stars *****, Haig is an absolute god of a writer in my eyes. He proves to us that this is a medical illness and like with most illnesses it is possible to get better, it’s possible to have relapses. The stories of his struggles and that of his girlfriend and family are ones that will hit a chord with a lot of us, but he reminds people that it’s ok to feel this way. It reminds things get and sometimes us that we’re all human too much. I very much feel that Haig is going to be a part of the revolution in how we think about mental health and I’m really, very excited about that.

Tired.

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Tired. It’s a little word. A lack of sleep can change me into a totally different person. I’m not saying just a little cranky or more forgetful (although both happen), one of the worst things for my depression is me being tired, everything gets darker, even the littlest things get harder. I can’t do things that I normally would be able to on a low day.

Why am I writing this? Because I know a lot of you are the same. Depression and anxiety makes you tired to start with, honestly it is exhausting and it took me a long time to accept that I was allowed to be tired by it. Physically and mentally sometimes even going through the motions are too much. The people around me can normally tell, as soon as I’m quiet it’s like something in my cracks and then the dam breaks and everything I’m nervous, anxious, scared about builds up in me until I feel like I’m going to burst. And I have to find a way to get it out.

I’m writing because it’s ok, you have the flu and you’re still tired after people are like oh it’s ok you’re wiped out, you have an extreme low and then are still feeling crappy after a few days a lot of people tell you to ‘get over it’. Right now I’m exhausted so I feel really up and down and all over the place. Ali knows, he picked up on me being grumpy pretty quickly but somehow knew I needed a cuddle.

I won’t sleep for a while yet, I’m exhausted but not tired. It makes no sense I know, or maybe to some of you it does. Either way I wanted to keep you updated and let you know how I’m plodding along.

Speak soon

My Big Mouth: Stigma needs to stop!

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You can’t fail to have noticed the coverage over the last few days about the terrible end to the Germanwings flight, with reports stating that the co pilot deliberately crashed the plane to attempt suicide. This is a terrible tragedy with so many lives lost, however, that is not what has chilled me the most.

The pilot, it is reported, had mental health issues. I am not in any way justifying what he did by killing all those people who did not want or deserve to die, but if he was this depressed who knows what was going through his head. With this in mind I need to stress that the British media in particular are handling this information in a disgusting and shocking way. With papers calling him a ‘mad man’ and asking questions such as ‘why was he allowed to fly?’ many mental health sufferers will have felt a familiar sense of dread.

It’s easy, when people are angry, to have knee jerk reactions but when almost all of the press are taking the same angle it is terrifying. I know that in this country in the next few weeks anyone who declares a mental health problem is going to be scrutinised more now, due to the way in which this has been handled by the media. It’s a terrible case and I don’t think we’ll ever know why he did what he did. Like everyone else I am shocked and angry that he took all of those other people with him, including children.

I do have something to say though. I have mental health issues, I write about them each and every day. Events like this fill me with fear because of how other people judge people with mental health problems. While most people understand that we are just like anybody else, others can’t seem to grasp the concept that we are just like everybody else!!!! I’ve had depression for more than a quarter of my life now and guess what? I don’t want to hurt anyone, I don’t want to be violent towards anyone and if I ever feel angry or anything like that I am the one I direct it to. Yes I might snap at people if I’m angry but this idea that people with mental health issues (that’s around 1 in 4 of us by the way) want to attack and hurt others is wrong and so, so rare. We are not going to get anywhere as a society until we start trying to stamp out this stigma! With the press saying ‘mad man’ and such we’re moving backwards.

I have to say though, the amount of people who have come forward to say that they are depressed and still working, still strong has been incredible to see. The BBC I can do nothing but applaud for their coverage of the crash, and now investigation. We cannot let one individual shape a quarter of our society! I for one won’t let that happen. So many incredible people I know have or have had a mental health issue, but they’re getting there. It might take a little longer or a different route but the world wouldn’t be what it is today if everyone with an issue was locked away and forbidden to work.

People are only going to be scared of mental health while they live in ignorance, education really is the key here.

So many positive things!

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Today was my last day of lectures for my second year! The next time I go into a lecture it will be the final year of my undergrad degree! It’s gone stupidly fast! So to celebrate that fact, yesterdays good news that I’m going to Athens( !!!) and that I’ve been feeling really good about myself lately.

So this morning I got up (admittedly after hitting the off button on my alarm and missing my lecture) and got to work helping Ali finish his assignment, while also buying myself tickets to see Sarah Millican next year and booked my flights and hotel for Athens. Then off to uni, the hospital for blood tests, lunch with Dani, a quick Primark dash (seriously, one of my FAVOURITE shops on the high street) and then off to band practice. I never stop being busy.

I’m finally doing it, I’m finally taking hold of my life and making things happen. I’m travelling with a few breaks planned this year, Durham, Prague, Athens and Amsterdam for my birthday. The band and I are getting ready to have a busy summer, I’m going to be working, writing and hopefully a lot more swimming and riding.

I wanted to write this to all of you because I’m aware I haven’t been as perky as usual and while I’m trying to to fall asleep while I write this, as well as having a stack of blogs to upload this weekend, I’m finally really happy. I have incredible friends, family, an amazing relationship, my band and of course my education, which means so much to me. Basically I’m feeling positive and I’ll hold on to that as long as I can.

I want to do EVERYTHING

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I don’t stop, ever. There’s something in me when I’m well that means I want to do and try everything. I do the blog, the band, horse riding, uni, work and all that kind of thing already but I’m always looking for more to do. I want to be writing my book, start a vlogging channel, swim more, volunteer with disabled kids, write more songs, learn sign language, get my MA, get my Phd, read all the books I own, finish all of my to do list, see all for my friends, travel *and breathe*.

A lot, right? I’ve always been like this, I’ve always wanted to do 100 things and get them all perfect and work,work,work. Sometimes I work so much and so hard that I end up making myself ill, then I take a week or two to rest and get better and do it all again, it never ends! Obviously you all know I have to be careful with this, being over tired is one of the things that makes me get low quickly (I don’t want to call it a ‘trigger’ because that MEDICAL term has now been overused by idiots online and people now don’t understand the real medical meaning).

I have to try and balance doing everything with being well and it can be really annoying. My family, friends and mentor keep an eye on me but sometimes I don’t see it I just keep going and going and going. It’s not always a bad thing but it’s all about getting the right level of each and accepting that I can’t do everything all at once…not until time turners become a real thing anyway. Oh god, writing this I realised I’m letting my Hermione show…oh dear.

So yes my lovely followers I am, as my friends would say, ‘a total keeno’, ‘a Hermione’ and a pain in the ass overachiever. I’m writing this because I know it need to work on it and I know I’m damn well not perfect, even though some people get this idea what I get everything right. Wrong. I am grasping at straws as much as anyone else most of the time and I just happen to find myself in situations that I can use to my advantage, no magic, no secrets actually I’m a bit of a pain in the butt ;).

As always give me a comment and a subscribe if you like what you read I want to talk to all of YOU!

Lookin’ good

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I’ve been horse riding for 5 months now, every week that I possibly could. I think it’s gotten to a point that riding has become a part of me, which amuses my friends to no end. Something interesting happened tonight, one of my bosses and one of my lecturers commented on how well I look in myself this year and I’d like to think that horse riding has been a big part of that.

Now I’m not going to use this post to become a fitness bunny. You’re still more likely to find me curled up with a cup of tea rather than going for a jog. I still hate running with a passion, and my knees aren’t keen on it either. This year though, as well as being happier in general, I’ve started to actually try some fitness. I ride every Wednesday and I’m currently swimming as many Sundays as possible, in the summer the Wednesdays I can’t ride I’m hoping to swim instead.

I’m not doing this for the way I look, it’s crossed my mind occasionally but that’s usually after I look in the mirror and notice I’m a little bit more toned than I used to be. It’s strange for me to find excercise I love, at school it was my worst nightmare unless we were doing flips and things in the gym. Now I can’t wait to get that release from riding or swimming, although I remember wanting to bite anyone who said exercise will help depression, it will but you have to be well enough to get to that stage first.

Riding and swimming have become a huge part of my life now and they make me feel good about myself. I’m not a size 6, I don’t want to be. I’m not doing this to get rid of my curves or look like an Olympian that doesn’t even come to it, I just want to feel good.

Right now, however, I am aching from the most intense ride ever. I’m finally off the lunge and riding on my own! I think I’m going to go off and crawl into my bed!

Eating Disorders Awareness Week

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8eaedae3c0c1099c92bc6cf82b8ed737I found the above quote on Pinterest and thought it would be a good start to todays post. Today is the last day of Eating Disorders awareness week and of course I wanted to feature it on my blog. I’ve never had an eating disorder, although for a while I had an issue with my body image. That said I have watched friends struggle through eating disorders and it’s a very slippery slope.

A lot of people have the misconception that ED’s are about food and being vain and feeling fat. Wrong. Bulimia and Anorexia, for example, are mental illnesses, they’re not to do with not fitting into a certain dress or wanting to look like a celebrity. They are illnesses which unfortunately people can die from. It’s important to know but not what I want to put forward in this blog.

I want to talk to you all about being supportive. The best thing you can do for someone with any kind of mental health condition is to support them, to do your best to understand. Some of the following things are good to know

Be patient 

Eating Disorders don’t just go away in a week, they are not a cold. Recovery can take years and for some people they need a little bit of support for the rest of their lives. It can be frustrating and so hard to watch when a loved one goes through this but your patience can mean everything.

Listen 

Don’t talk, listen. Listen to what they want and need to say. Even if they are scared and you can’t understand why. Even if what they’re saying is hard to hear just listen and ,when you can, respect their wishes.

Know when they just need you there 

Sometimes it’s not about having a big conversation, it’s just about having someone there and knowing they’re there.

Try and do some research 

You don’t need to get a PhD in Psychology but just doing a little research on ways to help for example or knowing what the illness is. Some people find it helpful to learn with the person who is living with the illness.  It can make things easier to understand.

Work with them through things 

Having support through it all is one of the most important things. Celebrate their achievements and be there if they have bad days and work through it together. You never know how much it can mean to someone.

I wanted to make it clear that this is something that people recover from! It takes hard work but it is possible to recover with the right help and be happy and healthy, as with any mental illness. If anyone is struggling with an Eating Disorder at the moment then I will leave details at the end of this post. Don’t be embarrassed, or ashamed, you can get through this. Talk to someone you feel you can, go along to a doctors appointment (you don’t have to see your own GP!) and please, please don’t give up.

❤

Beat – UK 

http://www.b-eat.co.uk/

National Eating Disorder Association

National Eating Disorders Association

SEED – Eating Disorder Support Service

http://www.seedeatingdisorders.org.uk/

Breaking Out

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If you came here looking for something incredible about a spy or whatnot then you are in the wrong place. This post is about me and I think I’d be a pretty useless spy to be fair (I’m far too clumsy!). The sun was shining today, you know that big yellow thing in the sky? Yeah that. It’s like a huge serotonin injection so it can be pretty amazing at kicking depressions butt.

I haven’t been great in the past week, I didn’t realise at the time but now looking back I can see it. I was more going through the motions at times rather than enjoying my week off, I kept busy as I could though. The worst point was definitely having to phone in sick to work on Thursday…that actually hurt because I hate it when my illness stops me doing things, unfortunately sometimes it does.

So yesterday there were ups and downs and I went to bed on a not so positive and angry note. This morning when I woke up though relaxed and better. I actually got up and got straight on with what I needed to do…something that hasn’t happened in a while. It wasn’t until the sun came out that I realised something was different.

We have a big bay window in the flat and blinds that aren’t very good, so the sun comes right through. It was like the outside was pulling me, the sun, the blue skys. My brain wasn’t that into it though, it took me a good hour of tug of war with myself before I put my clothes on to go out and headed out the door (fighting myself a little all the way). I managed and just took a walk through own in the sunshine and I loved the business of Kingston, it wasn’t driving me crazy it was actually kind of comforting. It was like I’d been locked in my own head for too long.

Coming back to the flat I got on again, like a wild thing. I just had so much energy and ideas and everything. This is what happens sometimes and I get a little bit skeptical, either I’m having an insanely good mood or it’s something a little less pleasant. Sometimes I have these massive boosts before I crash…I suppose I’ll wait and see.  I hope it’s the first one because I was damn miserable all week and today just felt like forgetting everything I was upset about…just for a little while.

Then I couldn’t sit still again so off to the pool. It was nice and therapeutic, just counting the laps, helping my brain relax rather than go into overdrive. I got to 20 laps before heading home to work again but I was a little bit calmer.

I’m glad I ‘broke out’ today. Sometimes when I’m low it’s like there are bars on the windows and doors, I can’t get out even if I want to. Little times like this make me smile the most. So now I’m finishing this after a nice shower smelling of lush and hoping more than anything this carries on tomorrow.

January payday/meday

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Hello you lovely lot!

It may not seem obvious to you guys but I’ve had a lovely hair cut and I’m feeling better. I have been struggling a little and just feeling a little out of place, slightly but not too much luckily. So today I was feeling a bit off and irritated after seeing a poorly Eleanor (feel better soon El!) I trecked into town to have a browse…that became an expensive browse.

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I ended up getting myself a new jumper from River Island (£25.00), Elle magazine because well who doesn’t love Kiera Knightly, Humans of New York book (which I was BEYOND excited to find), some more books…which Ali doesn’t know about so shush! Basically it was pay day and I felt like I deserved the treat because I have been working hard and even if my attendance at uni has slipped I’m still trying and that’s the main thing.

So what else? Sometimes I worry about what I put on this blog, I wonder whether I should do more themed days or write what I feel or plan? I’m really not sure because I do want this to be a good blog and as ever if you have any ideas/things you like please,please,please! Tell me in the comments or tweet me, even email, I love hearing from you guys.
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January book haul…Oops 

I’ve also realised it’s nearly February, feels like it’s only just been christmas but whatever. So I have a lot going on, band wise it’s pretty quiet but other parts of my life not so much. I have assignments to hand in, birthdays to prepare for, reading week, lots of work, kerrang tour! It’s going to be an exciting month and hopefully a good one.

I realise I haven’t spoke too much about how I am right now and some of you are kind enough to ask. I’m doing okay, better than I was before christmas but still a little…unsure? I’m getting there though and the band is busier than ever, I’m on top of assignments so hopefully I’ll start to feel a little bit more relaxed and happier.

As always thank you SO, SO much for stopping by to read this 🙂