Tag: happy

Through the other side

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It’s impossible to notice that I haven’t been as bright and breezy as I could have been lately. My posts haven’t been very long or interesting. I want to be honest with you guys because you take the time to sit and read through my blog a lot and I get support from you all, more than you probably know. 

Since I’ve got back I’ve been struggling quite a lot and it’s not fair on a lot of people, especially me. I wanted to publish a book on the best uni experience later on and give advice. I wanted to be cool and a great fresher and just do so many amazing things and just, well, be perfect. Thing is I’m not and no one should go to uni thinking like that. 

The last week or so have been tough. I posted a few days ago on twitter that books and silence have become my life. Largely they have. I’ve just sat in my room and read constantly. You know the saying silence is deafening? It’s true. I’ve hidden away in my room and stayed in silence, music hasn’t played. I don’t know what happened to me, I cam back and I was so happy and excited but when I’m stuck in this room I don’t know what to do any more. I don’t have work to make me concentrate I just kind of read, constantly.

I was so excited about going to band practice this week and then when I was there it just all got a bit too much. It was weird I hate being alone but being surrounded by noise was so weird. The weeks just dragged on really. Yesterday was different  I’d been down again but going to work cheered me up and then I got to stay with Ali and despite being up ill all night I feel so much better. 

I wanted to tell you all this because I’m trying. This is harder now uni is over for the summer but now I’m happy again I can see all the amazing things I’ve done this year. I’m coming through the other side, I have a great job, this amazing band. I’ve just got to slow down and realise that these things take time. I have this illness but it’s not who I am. It’s just a part of me that might go away, it might not I don’t know. Right now, I’n getting through this and I’m going to be ok. 

Back where I belong

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So, as you’ve noticed the blog are gradually getting longer again the posts getting happier but maybe not as full. I’ve been on break now for over a month and for the past few weeks the boys and I have been at home for the holidays…meaning no band practice. I didn’t realise how restless I’d get, how much I’d miss the banter with the boys. So Easter break was weird to be honest, I missed the chaos, the music and I was desperate to get back to those rooms and start preparing for Basingstoke Live in a few months. 

Today I got to and it just felt so amazing, even if I’m not slightly deaf in my left ear….cymbals are loud. There was just an energy, a togetherness in the room. I know it sounds stupid but I just felt so happy when I left tonight. We practiced, we messed up, we laughed and then it was off to the bar and finishing the night with chicken and sleep (Ali and Rhys had about 3 hours sleep between them because of assignments…typical students). 

Now the boys are back, the buses are running again and I feel a bit more free and back where I belong really. 

Going Home!

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My snapchat to the boys 

Dan went days ago, Ben left yesterday and Rhys is on a flight back to the states and so today seemed like a good time to head back to Basingstoke, although it meant leaving Ali behind for a few more days. I’m excited to be home and I can just feel myself relax. I’m itching to get back in my car and have a cruise around before finally heading back to Kingston to get those P plates on my car, well hopefully. 

I’ve been really excited and relieved to be going back home, when someone in the work office asked me the other day how many days it had been since I’d slept I couldn’t remember. Last night was ok but my sleeping pattern is so screwed at the moment which is why I keep mentioning sleep. I don’t know why but I know that the last time I went home it got right back in check so here’s to hoping. 

Tonight I got to watch my sister and little cousins at their Tae Kwon Do class which was fun. I’ve never been sporty but these kids are incredible, the whole class is actually amazing, watching them all together it’s like they all share one mind. For this class which has 7-12 year olds in it it’s something else. All of my cousins and my sister are sporty, I’m not but that’s ok, I love seeing them shine :).

So now I’m home and I’m looking forward to some time off, I have books to keep me company, some friends to meet and a lot of sleep to catch up on! 

Surprise Payday and finally earning my own money again!

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Today was my first Student Ambassador payday, and I had absolutely no clue about it. I’d emailed a few weeks ago and been told that we were going to be put on the new payroll at the end of the month so training turned to excitement that I was finally earning again! I’ve been working since I was 16 and it’s incredibly important to me to earn my own money. Although I’ve taken the student loan it feels really odd to have money given to me and not have to earn it. I didn’t mind it but it’s always been in my head that I don’t want to live off my loan if I can help it. I love earning money and the feeling it gives. If I won the lottery I’d still do something, maybe not to earn but I’d probably travel, support charities and study many different things because to me a large amount of money would mean opportunities. 

So I’m not a millionaire from this job but I love the feeling of earning again, being able to save money. I get stupidly excited and pleased that I’m finally doing a job that I’m really passionate about. I get to blog and earn, it’s something of a dream to me which I never thought I would get to do after uni let alone during. So today has enabled me to put more of my student loan towards a nice flat to rent. We’re looking through estate agents now so fingers crossed. 

I was working again today 2-7, sacrificing seeing one of my oldest friends Grace but she understands that this was training I had to do for work. I’ll buy her a cider when I get home, after 10 years of being friends I get very emotional now she’s finally 18! We’ve been waiting for well over a year to go to the pub together and it can finally happen! 

So I’ll go to bed tonight with a smile on my face, I’m finally earning again and that masters doesn’t seem as impossible as it did before! 

Not one, but two!

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I’m going to be super happy and shout from the roof tops and I think I’m allowed to! Guess who won today at the English Literature awards!!!!!!!!! I’m so happy, being recognised for Academic Contribution and winning is more than I could have ever hoped for at uni, it’s far beyond anything I would have expected. I’m so excited by this and to top it off I was commended for the Best Overall Achiever award! I am really pleased that another girl, Daisy won though, she’s amazing in lectures and would make a great teacher.

My Mum, Sister and Ali came with me today, it was so nice just to have them there on such a big occasion to me. Here’s to the next 2 (or hopefully 3!) years at Kingston.

10 Things I’m proud I’ve done in my first year

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As I’ve come to the end of teaching in my first year I wanted to look back on 10 thing I’m really proud of. To others these things might not stand out but they meant a lot to me. 

 

1. My Band 

It means a lot to me that I met these guys, I’m closer to achieving my dream of being a musician than I ever was before. I’ve found people that took me on even with my faults. The EP might not be done yet but I’m pretty certain it’s going to be something special, here’s to lots of gigging in second year! 

2. I made friends

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A picture of me and my lovely Jen. I’ve made friends and lost them this year but that’s ok. I was terrified of not having friends this year and I’ve ended up with some good close friends and some more general friends. The point is that I managed to get out there and meet some people and they liked me! I don’t feel like I need more friends next year, although it would be nice. To those reading I may have only put one picture but you know who you are, I love each and every one of you, thank you for a fab year!!

3. I’m (hopefully) making a difference

And so are you! With this blog! I’ve managed to connect with a lot of people through blogging about my own experiences of mental illness and Dyslexia. From the feedback I’m getting and my ongoing work with the university disability department I’m hoping I can continue to make a change and run for disabilities officer next year. 

4. I got my driving confidence 

So I haven’t passed…yet. Still I’e got more confident with my driving and know I’ll pass before classes start in September and getting my license will be an amazing feeling. My anxiety and dyslexia will not beat me on this!! 

5. I was shortlisted for a KU Talent Award

Out of all of the first years that applied I made it to the final 4 for my category. I had a great night with Mum. I wont lie I was gutted that I didn’t win but there’s always next year and third year… 

6. I managed to go to a gig a month

I have seen SO MANY bands since I moved here to name a few Deaf Havana, Paramore, Fall Out Boy, You Me At Six, Tonight Alive, We are the in crowd the list goes on an on I’m so lucky and amazed that so far I only missed one month of gigs! I have so many memories, signatures and I’m not sure about what to do with all those gig tickets… 

7. I became a Student Ambassador! 

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Clearly the best job you can get as a student. From 400 that applied to the final 50 that got the job! I’m so thrilled and couldn’t have asked for better. I can’t wait for the next few years of my job! 

8. I got more than one first! 

2 so far and hopefully more to come….watch this space! 

9.I’ve got the confidence to want to do a masters 

Not my best English but I’ve gone from saying I wont go to uni a few years ago to actively saving for my masters degree at Kingston. I nevver thought I’d get this far so I better make the most of it…

10. I survived

This is a huge thing back in September I was terrified. How would I live, handle money, have time with Ali, do all the reading, pass, learn how to cook. I might be exhausted at the moment but I’ve survived and I know I can live away from home now. I wont go as far as saying I’m a grown up but I’ve surprised myself. 

So there is just 10 things. I wrote this because I know how up and down I’ve been feeling lately. Writing this blog isn’t always easy when my moods are against me, which in the last few weeks they have been. I’ve been feeling bad lately meaning that thinking of these positive things hasn’t been easy, it’s been a huge struggle. I think overall though I’m doing better, I’ll have blips just like anyone but I’m starting to get better. As a note to you all, I promised an entire year so I will continue writing for fresher until August 31st, then you will be pleased to know I will start ‘Surviving Second Year’ a whole more year for you all! Here’s to a fab summer and the rest of my degree! 

I didn’t pass, but that’s ok!

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I’ve been keeping something back from you all, something that has had me going up and down more times than a yoyo. I had my driving test today, I’ve been hinting at it on the blog for a few weeks but luckily none of you noticed. Before I start this blog I have to thank my best friend Jen, Ali, my parents and my sister. They’ve had to keep me calm for the past few weeks and it hasn’t been easy, there have been a lot of tears. 

Jens been at my flat for 8am for the last 2 days running to keep me calm and just talk me through things, my driving instructor has dealt with various panic attacks and tears for the past week. As I said before driving tests wind me up to no end but something amazing happened. After warming up before and constantly stalling, panicking and being sick I started talking to myself. Sounds crazy, right? I’m pleased to say despite not passing I’m very proud of myself. I got in the car and had one panic moment where I started losing control but other than that I talked myself through, I encouraged myself like I was talking to someone else. I thought I failed before I actually did but I got through and it didn’t matter. I even said to the examiner ‘before you tell me can I just say for me getting through that was enough, I’m happy’ which is a huge achievement for me. I’m terrified of failing, I don’t handle it well in the slightest but today it didn’t matter. 

What did I fail on you may ask? I didn’t overtake a cyclist and therefore held up traffic for a few minutes. That’s all. So my actual driving? Well enough to pass that damn test! That’s what I’m thinking now, I finally feel safe enough to go out alone in my car, obviously wont but I know I can now once I get that certificate in my hand. Also it passed so quickly and I got my manoeuvre near on perfect even though I had to do it backwards and up a hill. 

I would have loved to have passed today, for a moment I thought I had. In a way though failing on something so silly made me more confident. It means I’m a good driver, I am a safe driver. So I got out of the car smiling ran into the flat and gave my instructor the money to book my test again for after the Easter break. I know I can do this now and it took me 4 times of failing to realise that I can do this! I hope it will be next time, I really want to finally have the weight off my shoulders. If it isn’t I’m pretty certain that I will pass before my birthday when my theory certificate runs out. 

Either way today meant a lot for me and I’ve been happy ever since, I never thought failing would make me feel so good! So here’s to next time!! Oh and here’s to kicking Depression and Anxiety’s butt! 

My first day at work

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We have a walking talking Banana and Orange….Come to KU! 

I’ll admit getting up at 6 and being on a bus by 7.20am was not my ideal way of starting a new job. After Mum and I managed to see the clock at both 2 and 3am I was genuinely surprised I woke up feeling okay apart from a little sick from a lack of food. It was pretty calm for 7am, quiet and not that cold either which felt very nice when I’d had little sleep (although I’m glad I went with jeans instead of shorts). 

I ended up being at work early and planned to grab a drink and something to eat but everything was shut, food would have to wait. I got stuck in straight away though and chatting to the other ambassadors, the worries of last night seemed to be behind me thank goodness. We started putting banners up, helping anywhere needed before being assigned our roles for the day. I was going to be on accommodation tours…damn! I was nervous not knowing how they were run and not have the best experience all the time but because I was new I was placed with another ambassador Beth who I already knew and luckily shares the same love of books and certain lecturers. I didn’t need to be worried as after leaving our second tour another coach came and I had to take over….in front of my new boss.

This burst of energy just came out of me, I loved the people and I loved them asking me questions. It was like being on stage working the crowd, making them feel at ease and making them laugh. I done the same tour from 9-3.30 and at one point took a group of 43 people with a fellow ambassador to make sure I was ok. I made a difference! By the end of the day after long conversations about 3 people decided they were going to make Kingston their first choice, one girl after asking what negatives I experienced. I told her that 90% of things like timetable issues would be sorted and said that I found the university brilliant. I wasn’t lying when I told them that coming to university was the best decision I ever made. 

 The day went very quickly and I made lots of friends and felt like I belonged almost instantly. This is something I CAN do, something I know I’ll enjoy until I leave, hopefully after my masters in 2017! I told people today I was staying for my masters and that’s true I am now more determined than ever to get that scholarship and study! 

As work came to a close I was asked to go to the pub with Beth (trying to hide my childlike excitement that I had been invited to the pub by people!) we took a stroll through town after free pastry and then she took me to a lovely pub right on the river and we talked about everything from books to our own lives. Beth is very special, I want more than anything to see her go on to do well because she is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. 

 

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The view from the riverside 
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Although not at our most glam, Beth and I after a hard days work

I now have a chart on my wall with how many Ambassador things I do, I’m hoping to beat my friend Adams who is a SA celeb around here! With meetings planned ahead and more days work planned I don’t think I’ll ever want to give up this job. Ever! 

Being one step ahead of the game

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If there’s one thing you can always count on me for is being ahead of the game when possible. I’m almost always crazy busy these days and looking to get ahead in my studies. The way my brain works is ‘Ok I can read this book now, I know that ones next so I’ll take a quick look at the synopsis while I finish’. I know the rough guidelines for next years module guides, I scan the house hunt pages every day and I’ve been talking to my lecturers about my plans to continue on with a masters and the small fund I have set up. 

Tonight has been my first ‘day off’ in about 2 weeks, some quality time I wanted to spend with Ali. It was nice with the sunshine but we decided we wanted to just be alone for once, shut out everyone else and once it got dar ksit and catch up on tv we had missed. We’re both stressed at the moment, as of September we’ll be officially moving in together and that is a big deal! People think because we’ve been together so long we don’t get nervous about things like this, we definately do. We have the same disagreements as everyone else, where do we live, how much do we want to pay, do you have to bring that piece of furniture (me to him), do you have to bring so many books (him to me), what colours do we want thing to be (I’m still rooting for this one, bright colours for the win!). 

There is one thing many of you don’t know. Without Ali I wouldn’t be writing this blog, I wouldn’t be at university and I’d probably be a lot more depressed. I’m not going to get mushy and gushy but he saved me, he picked me up more times than he needed to and I will be eternally grateful. So everything I’m achieving, Student Ambassador, KUTalent award nomination, the band, this blog in some wayy relates back to him. So when people ask if I mind that I go to his more than he goes to mine, no not at all we have something very strong which brings be back to the point of being one step ahead. I can’t do that with Ali and believe me that’s a good thing!

He’s very supportive of my decision to save up and continue on to a masters at the end of my degree and has very kindly said he will help to support me if I need it (seriously one of a kind). So after being so, so happy tonight curled up and just relaxing for once I got back and continued to try and get on top of things. Then I strayed to masters sights after reading an article on Young Adult fiction. So I googled masters in this area just to be nosy.  Cambridge came up to my surprise, I read on and was intrigued. Could I go to Cambridge? The only thought I’d had was back in year 9 when I got invited to a gifted and talented day at the college and they spoke to us about univeristy, ah nieve 14 year old me put up a right fuss and said that plenty of jobs don’t need a degree, I want to be a musician and why pay £3000 a year. I ended up being friends with one of the speakers and going on holiday with her, paying £8750 a year for a degree but I still want to be a musician. Anyway I was browsing through thinking this might be possible and then I read this lovely quote on the website 

The University does not allow students to undertake paid work outside the University or a college while they are studying full-time, and you should not expect to accrue additional income in this way. However, academic-related work – especially teaching undergraduates – can provide postgraduate students with valuable transferable skills, and a limited amount of this type of work is encouraged, provided it does not interfere with your studies.

Right, ok then well that leaves me and anyone else who isn’t rich buggered then. No Student Ambassadors for Cambridge. I was shocked, outraged and realised I was right all those years ago to dismiss an idea like Oxford or Cambridge.I thought these restrictions were something of a myth! I knew then and know now I wouldn’t have fit in and so I’ll stick with Kingston for my masters, hopefully. I love this uni, I love that I can be myself and it’s accepted even my struggles. I’m going to apply for a masters scholarship in my 3rd year for definite. Cambridge can keep their masters programme because although Kingston might not be top of the tables, they sure know how to make a girl feel like she can achieve. 

I’m in love with my new job!!

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Tonight I attended training for me job as a Student Ambassador. I’ve never loved a job more or been able to make this much of a difference in peoples lives. It sounds silly but when I started looking at uni’s Kingston’s Student Ambassadors made all the difference to me, they were friendly, welcoming and took me seriously, even the worries I thought were stupid. 

It didn’t feel like I was being lectured or taught tonight it was very much being part of a bigger university wide team, which is what it is really. There are so many opportunities that I can have now. I’m already working on bridging the gap between disability and dyslexia and prospective students as well as hopefully running for disabilities officer next year. As well as that I’ll be working with the social media team and being paid to blog, PAID!

I feel on top of the world, going to uni has opened so many doors for me. The course, the potential award, my band, my friends, my life. Despite the fact that I might not sleep  for another week  or two, I’m happy. I have a lot to look forward to and that’s a great feeling. 

With all this said and how much I love my job, I’m not getting ahead of myself. I’m looking forward to the future but I’m trying to take each day for what it is, I know there’ll be ups and downs ahead but hopefully if I’m working and putting my experience to good use! 

Here’s to the new job!!