Mental illness doesn’t disappear, even when your life is on the up. Tomorrow is a big day, tomorrow I put some bags and my hamsters in a car go to my parents and start the next part of my life. I’ll pick up my new car (!!) and then in the morning go to my new job that I’ll hopefully have for a long time to come. Everything is on the up, life’s getting better and better but I still find myself at times suffocated by my anxiety and feeling like I can’t breathe. I’m excited and terrified at the same time but it feels like everything is going so fast and I need to hold on to something. I guess this is normal, it’s a normal thing for someone who’s having this much change happening in their life to feel. I do have a bonus, I’m moving closer to my family and as of next weekend I’ll have Ali back by my side. I know everything will be ok and this is just a phase in my life but either way, my anxiety is kicking up a notch and I’m going to make sure I can live with it and not let it take over my life.
Tag: graduate
The Start of the Next Chapter
Hello, hello, hello!
This week has been so incredibly busy it’s unbelieveable, I intended to write this blog last night but I got back from work and just needed to curl up and sleep. Yesterday I had my first day in my new office as Marketing Executive (read about getting the job here). It still hasn’t really sunk in that I have a real title in a company, so bizarre. Now, I’m not going to try and explain all that Exonar does because there’s a lot and I’m still learning, but we are a small company working in the IT world and basically being the good guys. So, there were a lot of introductions, setting up, taking information, learning etc. My brain felt a little fried at the end of the day but mostly I was just so excited and I can’t wait to get back when I start in the office full time next week.
Back to the crazy week I’ve had. I spent Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday practicing with the boys for Basingstoke Live next month. This has meant getting up earlier than normal, getting back after and doing some of the starter work for my new job, falling into bed and doing it all again the next day. Thursday I had to have my last meeting as a Social Media Coordinator (!!), which made me feel really emotional. While I’m so stupidly excited about my new job everythings changing again and I do feel a little anxious, but I’m told that’s normal.
Now I’m sitting in my Star Wars PJs with Ali asleep in the next room and I just have a huge smile on my face. I’ve just come back from hanging out with some great friends and I just feel good. Of course I’m anxious and slightly terrified about the changes in my life but at the same time I’m going into a job that I’m really excited about with a team of people who just seem friendly, I think I’m going to fit in just fine. There’s a lot going on and I feel like my head is spinning a little but knowing that I’m going back to my home town with my family around me and that will be nice while I’m starting out again. The best part though? I get to start a new chapter of my life with my best friend with me.
Getting the job.
As of yesterday morning I am officially employed! For the past few weeks I’ve been having interviews for a Marketing position that I really, really wanted and the waiting has been driving me crazy. I applied for a job with a tech based company on Linkedin last month, I thought it looked interesting and had the attitude of ‘why not’. I knew it was a long shot, this wasn’t a small position, there was a lot of responsibility and over 80 people had already applied, but what did I have to lose? The worst they could say was no. So I sent off my Linkedin profile and didn’t think much of it until my email pinged about an hour later, it was someone from the company wanting to talk further. Later that evening he called and I had a phone interview there and then on the spot, an hour later I had my instructions come up with a social media plan example and come into the office in a week and a bit and let’s have a look. I was floored. Absolutely floored. Fast Forward to the first face to face interview, I fell in love with the location and got on with my interviewer before being invited back for another face to face interview with the head of the company. Score. So a few days later I met him and had another interview, alongside chatting about other things, no huge scary interview and lots of pressure, not only did it set the tone for the company but it excited me.
I’ll be honest I’ve been scared about finding a job, not so much because I thought I wouldn’t get one, but I was worried I’d just have to go somewhere I didn’t like to make a living. I spent a lot of my teenage years in a job where I was unhappy, then I came to uni and felt the happiness of having a job that I enjoyed and felt like I was doing something productive, not selling cheap clothes that fall apart. Finding Exonar was like a dream come true, they’re a smallish company, full of nice people (as I found out yesterday) and I can really sink my teeth into something without knowing I was on a years contract. I haven’t officially started yet but I’m excited and nervous and I haven’t felt like this since before I went to uni. I get to be in Marketing after a stack of rejections that I didn’t have enough experience.
It’s like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I know I’m going to be ok and hopefully be in a positive environment too! I’m trying to put into words just how excited I am but I don’t know how! All I know is I can’t wait for a new chapter to begin.
The Job Hunt
Yesterday morning I woke up to a job rejection email, a few lines outlining that I hadn’t been successful and they wouldn’t be interviewing me. I had a moment of ‘ah damn’, deleted the email and moved on. It’s not that I wasn’t upset, it’s more the fact that I know I’m not just going to walk out of uni with a high paying job and that’s me sorted for life. I’m also a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, so that job just wasn’t for me this time. No biggie. This wasn’t the case a few months ago when I got a rejection email for a job that I REALLY wanted, I didn’t get an interview. I guess I was shocked more than anything, every job I’ve applied for since I was 17, I’ve at least gotten an interview. I know this is different though.
I finished my work for my degree a week ago and while I’d love to take a month off and not even think about a job, that’s not who I am. I’ve had a job since I was 16, a few months after my 16th birthday (and when I realised I needed more than just the occasional babysitting job) Dad drove me around handing out CVs all over Basingstoke, a week or two later I had an interview and later a job at a cinema. I give 110% into every job, that’s just how I am as a person and I’ve carried that on through the various jobs I’ve had since that first one. I mean I grew up helping my Mum out on her stall every weekend through the Spring and Summer, I’m just used to helping out wherever I can and I truly believe that made me who I am today (although when I as a kid that was in between vital colouring in time) .
Over time I know it’s going to get a little harder to be as positive as I am now. Even at this moment with people I know having babies and getting married, finding jobs quickly I get a little anxious and have the whole ‘WHERE IS MY LIFE GOING? WHAT AM I DOING AHHHHHH’ moments. That normal though, I suppose when then is the first time I’m not going back into education in September for 16 years, the freedom is both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. I know I’m lucky too that I’m not being pressured just to take jobs because they are there, I’ve got a little time to actually apply to jobs and companies I want to be a part of rather than some of my other jobs I’ve had where it’s been a case of desperation.
Of course I’d love to have a good job in the next month, but I also know that I might need to pop back into part time work just to tide me over. The important thing to remember and this goes for Saturday jobs, part time work, full time work, whatever, is that you are not above any part of your field. If I go into a marketing job and at first they want me to remove staples, I’ll remove staples. They want me to make coffee for a while, let me know the way you like it. There’s a difference between knowing your worth and getting stuck in. There’s a difference between starting out and staying in a crappy position. It’s all about balance and proving yourself.
You’ll know if people are taking advantage, trust me you’ll know, this is coming from someone who was left with a handful of other teenagers to run part of a shop on a regular basis on a low wage while the supervisor did what they liked. BUT find the positives in every experience, being left with the others to run the shop? I got leadership skills and my customer service was fab when I left. Picking up Popcorn kids had thrown on the floor? Reminded me to always, always respect the place I’m in and the people that work there. It might not seem anything
So, my positive pants are on, my job hunting hat is on. Let’s do this.
Who’s going to hire me? -Embracing your past
I didn’t expect to be laying in my wide awake at 4am this morning, followed by wandering aimlessly around my flat. To say my sleep pattern is messed up at the moment is an understatement, my days and nights kind of blur together if I don’t have anything to leave the flat for, I’m in a constant state of write, study, read and possibly eat at some point. I found myself thinking and worrying this morning about getting a job at stupid o’clock in the morning. What if they read about the problems I’ve had this year and don’t want me? What if they do secretly discriminate against me because of my mental health? What if was a prominent theme of the torture my sleepless brain put me through. But, it’s not because I’m dramatic.
I’ve been filling in a few job applications here and there, currently only for roles that I really want and could see myself working in and then there is the box that asks if you have a disability. While I myself don’t like being called disabled because it’s a crappy label, I know that to get help I need to tick it, lately though I’ve found myself not wanting to tick that box, to hide a part of myself and my past out of fear more than anything. Like many other third years, I’m scared of the unknown and I know that the odds aren’t in my favor. Talking to Ali about it tonight he reminded me that there is so much proof that I can do so much more than a label, and I already have done so much more.
I’ve never been embarrassed or ashamed, and I’m not but I do know there is still a lot of people who are uneducated about my condition, but I’ve managed to educate people through telling my story before. With that in mind, why should I be scared of doing that again? When I saw this quote on Pinterest it made me take a breath, because what’s the point in trying to hide a part of my life or the hardships I’ve faced in the past? There is none. If anything that takes away from what would make me a great employee. I work hard, I persevere. Yes there may be times where my illness kicks my ass and I need a day to get myself better but I’m not a quitter. I got through my final year at university with a healing spine, a ‘broken’ mind and sickness and I think I’ve still done pretty damn great and have never let it affect my two jobs.
Why am I writing this? It’s not to brag. It’s because I know that sometimes you need to see someone else lay everything out. All the good times and all the shit times too and just remember that actually, you may not be ‘normal’, whatever the hell that means, but it doesn’t mean you don’t have a story to tell. To some people I’m an ‘inspirational’ person, which I’ll take but to me it’s just my everyday life, carrying on no matter what because I will not let a label or a box define me. I am so much more than that.
Young and Desperate?
I found this quote while searching through Pinterest (obviously one of my favourite websites) and it went well with a decision I made today. I wrote last week about grad job rejection and how to handle it and for the past few days I’ve been frantically searching for jobs to apply for. I wasn’t getting stressed until I saw people over Facebook posting about grad jobs they’d been accepted for already or the amount of jobs they’d been applying for. Then I started to panic, all the jobs I wanted to apply for needed you to start in a month or less, there were no grad schemes. So I got online and poured over jobsites looking for jobs I was slightly interested in.
I realised this morning while looking through all the tabs again, that this wasn’t how I was going to find a job I wanted to do. All the ones I was going to apply for were either only slightly related to what I want to do or had a much lower salary that I was hoping and expecting to aim for. And for what? I’d been drawn in by anxiety and panic, thankfully I realised what the uneasy feeling was before applying. I know there are jobs in my field and I know that I’m qualified but I just can’t take a job just yet.
Although I’m only 21 I’ve already had quite a few different roles I’ve worked in retail, cinema, office work, tutoring and freelance and I already have a solid idea of what I hate. When I was 16 I took a job from anyone who would offer it to me because I needed the money and wanted the independence. My first two jobs I hated with a passion because I took them out of desperation. My third job I took on but should have been wiser about contracts and things like that. By the time I took on my 4th job that wasn’t babysitting or tutoring I was working somewhere I wanted to and it made all the difference. It’s been the same with my university jobs that I love doing, I wasn’t desperate, I took my time and I excel at my job. With that in mind I’m going to try and take that into account when applying for post uni jobs.
I know that not everyone can do that and I’m thankful that Ali and I have somewhere to go once we graduate. There was no question I could move back into my parents house but come July, if we haven’t found work, we’ll be moving in with Ali’s Mum temporarily as she has more room. Thankfully I’m only about 10 minutes away in the car from my Mum and Dads too. Ali’s said to me before there’s not a desperate rush and for the first time ever I’m starting to believe him. I’ll work hard and apply for jobs of course but I won’t rush into things and be tricked into an underpaid job, particularly with the experience I have. I want to go into interviews and be passionate and excited about the job and the company. I want to have goals and ideas about what I can bring and I know how cliché I sound right now, but I’ve had enough crappy jobs to last me a lifetime.
Handling Rejection
As with anyone, I hoped that when I applied for the graduate job I really wanted, I’d get good news and be heading to an interview. The day I started getting sick I got bad news, I’d been rejected for the position and wasn’t even getting a phone interview. I didn’t just cry, I sobbed my heart out. I’d been thinking about that job non stop for months, it just seemed like a good move for me and something I really wanted. I was always going to write about it, because this is a part of student life, we all have to deal with rejection.
I’ve never been one to handle anything associated with failure well because I am a perfectionist. I need everything to be handled and right and I just need to get things done and because I always put 110% into everything I do and when I don’t achieve I do get anxious and stressed. I feel like I let myself down and I get incredibly angry with myself and list things I need to do better next time. In some ways that’s good, but other people remind me I’m too hard on myself. It’s just a job and there will be other opportunities but it doesn’t always feel like that.
I know that right now a lot of us students are going to be getting rejection emails and sometimes it just knocks you off track. I’ve been having a bit of a meltdown, made worse by being ill, not knowing what I’m going to do after I graduate, what I want to do and what I want in the bigger picture. From what I’ve worked out a lot of students feel like that right now and it’s normal.
I’m trying to take the advice of the people around me, that it wasn’t meant to happen and they’re the ones missing out. Ali sat down the night of the rejection and just listed all the amazing things I’ve done and what I’d put in the application and that they missed out. I’m hoping this is true, it didn’t make the rejection hurt any less, but I’ll find something eventually.
Chloe Metzger 