Spine Issues

I thought I was done crying over my spine, I guess not. Today has not been a great day in terms of my spine, what started as just sadness and anger turned into almost being quickly taken into hospital to be hooked up to pain relief. I honestly thought that with the physio, gym sessions and other things I was on the mend, although I was still in pain I thought the excruciating part of it was gone but it’s very much alive in muscle spasms. While I’m on a lot of painkillers, I’m on nothing for my muscle spasms and currently my back and all around my hip is rock hard because of it.

I’ve had to pull out of a show again tonight which I hate, I hate letting anyone down and I hate not being able to perform, possibly the worst part of recovery. I’m miserable with not being able to easily play shows. I thought this part was over, I hoped this was a thing of the past. I was getting ready, about to go load up the car when simply walking around the flat I felt a sharp pain and that was it I was out. The pain was awful, Ali and I tried to wait it out, resting and then trying to walk again but I couldn’t. I was in agony, limping heavily and sobbing. I wasn’t going anywhere tonight. That started about 4 and a half hours ago, I’m still in pain but it feels more manageable now.

On Monday, I finally made the decision to leave the Horse Riding society after talking to my mental health mentor. I really wasn’t coping mentally or physically very well and the society was what was stressing me out most, I had to let the members know today and I am not ashamed to say I cried after posting:

Hello Everyone,

I’m writing this with deep sadness. As most of you will know I was in an accident earlier in the year, breaking my spine. I’ve still got nearly 2 years of recovery time and will probably never ride again. While I’ve loved being a part of the society and your president lately my mental health has deteriorated along with more struggles and nerve damage due to my injury. It is because of this my medical team have said that it would be best for me to step down as soon as possible. Thank you to everyone who rode with me, made me smile and was a friend. I will always love this society and hope that I can still be a friend. I have handed in my notice meaning we are looking for a new president asap and I leave you in the capable hands of Daniela and Amy, while Amanda will be back from leave when she can (please contact them in relation to any questions, queries, rides).

Thank you so much for everything.

Chloe

A lot of people commented saying they were sad to see me go, to say thank you and a lot of people to say that I was brave. I still don’t think I fully understand why I’m brave? Because I was honest about the reasons? Because I stepped down to look after myself? I certainly don’t feel brave. I worry I’m letting everyone down, that if anything happens to the society it will be my fault. I worry I’ll lose friends. Now it’s done though and I really need to focus on my studies and try to remember my time with happiness, not tears.

 

10407210_10153613102758206_918236493107446324_nHappier times at the society

I still have a long way to go with my spine and tonight’s reminded me of that. I’m so lucky to have so many amazing people around me caring for me and helping me carry on going forward when times are hard. I don’t know what the future holds in terms of recovery, I’ve been told around 2 years for successful recovery but I’m not holding on to that as a solid date, after all when it first happened I was told I had a 6 week recovery, laughable now. Almost 7 months down and who knows how many to go but I will keep going, I’ll just need a little help along the way.

Goodbyes

10405637_10153528770048206_3140691509092680630_n IMG_1872

I’m writing this post with both a heavy heart and endless excitement. In the next two days two of my best friends will be getting on a plane and heading to New Zealand for a year of exciting adventures and studying! Eleanor and Maisha have bigger lady balls than I ever will and I am so proud of both of them for not only getting on to the programme in the first place but accepting. It seems to strange that come September it will only be me, Dani and Amy heading into our third and final year of our undergrad degree.

I wanted to write this small post just to say how bloody proud I am of them, how much I am going to miss them (words can’t even describe) and that I know for a fact both of them will have the time of their lives out there. I love both of you girls so, so much. Good Luck ❤

One of the hardest goodbyes

IMG_1646I’m writing this with a broken heart. Yesterday Rubey was sold and left the yard, I wasn’t able to say goodbye as it all happened so quickly. There’s something about a connection with animals that is so different than humans. When I first moved to Kingston, the hardest thing to adjust to was not having my dog at the end of my bed, even now she’s the hardest to leave after a weekend at home. Rubey kind of filled that need this year, not because of riding her because she was so affectionate.

Part of me doesn’t know how I’m going to go to the stables on Wednesday without seeing her and having a cuddle. A lot of people don’t understand, because she’s not mine, it’s hard to explain but I just had that bond with her and she was there for me all of this year. Her owner is heartbroken too because Rubey leaving was just so quick.

In my heart she’ll never be replaced, ever. She was the first horse I really connected with, even if I do love all of the others at the stables. I’ve just had an update though that she’s at her new stables being loved and cared for and is happy.

It’s one of the hardest points of this year but if she’s going to be loved I guess I can deal with it.

Back to Mum and Dad’s

So last wee was super hectic I have a load of back log of blogs I need to check over again and upload (they will be up hopefully by mid week). I was working eye day, 6.30 starts and late bedtimes. I’ve also been packing, as of tomorrow I will have moved back in with Mum and Dad, oh and my sister’s new and totally creepy Goldfish… Ellie Goulding-Goldfish. It feel weird that I’m the last one in the flat, Ali’s home already and I’ve been keeping myself busy. Honestly though moving back with Mum and Dad for the summer and then into our new flat feels weird to me. After tonight the majority of times I cook it will be for 2 people, I’ll share almost everything and on the plus side I’ll have someone to come home to again.

Although halls weren’t necessarily the best thing I’ll miss the independence of living here. I can go out at whatever time, come back at whatever time, eat what I like, sleep and shower at weird times. You know normal student stuff. Don’t get me wrong I want to go home for a bit it will just be different to last summer, I’m a very different person to who I was then…oh and I now have a much smaller bedroom. Great.

It will be nice though, having my dog back with me, driving my sister around, seeing my cousins and grandparents and catching up with a few people. Let me say this now though when I go home I feel amazing, I feel like I’ve achieved a lot by going to uni like I said I’m not the same girl I was when I left in  a good way. 

 

So I’m going to get back to finishing packing and Basingstoke? I’m coming back for ya! 😉

Poison, thank you and goodnight!

As many of you know music is something that is incredibly important to me. I’ve been performing since I was around seven years old so the sudden anxiety attack at sound check tonight kind of threw me off guard.  After a truly awful sound check where I forgot most of my words, it’s safe to say I was a little upset. Ok, try absolutely freaking out. It’s been well over a month since I’ve performed and coming back to Basingstoke wasn’t helping my nerves. 

As we watched the other musicians I started to relax as well as freak out (an odd combination). I had the honour of watching my beautiful friend Nicole play and she writes such stunning music you can’t help but relax and enjoy it. 

In the end the night went incredibly well and the new songs got great feedback. As a result I was quite angry with myself because despite ALWAYS getting stupidly nervous, I hadn’t had a proper panic/anxiety attack in quite a while. I think it’s because of a pressure I feel to prove that we can move on from For All That Goes. As stupid as it sounds the break up really made me doubt myself as a musician and generally as a person so this gig meant a lot to me. 

So now there will be no more under 18 nights at Poison due to it being closed and it upsets me as I have good memories of the place. So really this is an entry about moving on I suppose. I’m hoping that I wont be as panicked next time and instead I will be excited next time I perform which will be open mic night… let’s wait and see!