Tag: friends

Goodbyes

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I’m writing this post with both a heavy heart and endless excitement. In the next two days two of my best friends will be getting on a plane and heading to New Zealand for a year of exciting adventures and studying! Eleanor and Maisha have bigger lady balls than I ever will and I am so proud of both of them for not only getting on to the programme in the first place but accepting. It seems to strange that come September it will only be me, Dani and Amy heading into our third and final year of our undergrad degree.

I wanted to write this small post just to say how bloody proud I am of them, how much I am going to miss them (words can’t even describe) and that I know for a fact both of them will have the time of their lives out there. I love both of you girls so, so much. Good Luck ❤

A quarter life crisis (five years early) – growing up, meltdowns and questions.

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Sometimes I am sure that I’m actually still a sixteen year old trapped in a twenty year olds body. It’s my annual crisis, you know the one I mean don’t you? The whole, what am I doing with my life, am I behind? Look at what my friends are doing while I’m stuck at home. Yup all that came today. I’ve said it once I’ll say it again, the pictures of people’s kids, engagement rings and weddings make me break out into a cold sweat, I don’t feel ready for this stuff!

I get so worried about what I should be doing that I freak out. Never mind the fact that I’m not keen on having a small person around right now, would probably burst out laughing if I got proposed to and am too broke/ addicted to expensive things to get married. Yup, that pile of books get in my amazon cart, a sale on handbags well it would be rude not to look and as for Topshop? Well I’m like a bloody magpie.

So I sat this afternoon, like many hormonal girls before me, in my PJs, my hair atrocious with chocolate in one hand and a coming of age book in the other (book of choice this time Caitlin Moran’s How to be a Woman) sobbing my little heart out. I had a bit of a fit at Ali, locked myself in the bedroom and let it all out. I cried because I don’t feel like a grown up, I have no idea whatsoever about grown up things like marriage and mortgages and I don’t have a life plan. Yup, yup, yup feeling sorry for myself and a little bit of self indulgence.

I get told that it’s perfectly normal to have days where you completely lose your shit and feel like a child again. There are days when I want to crawl up into my Mum’s lap and let her tell me it’s going to be ok. Well, nowadays I have to settle with cuddling up to Ali while he does the same thing and assures me that doing badly on that one assignment will not balls up my entire life or a phone call to my Mum about what job I’m going to go into.

You can probably guess that I’ve calmed down now, had some good old comfort food and vented to my Mum. I guess I’m writing because it should be something we can talk to each other about, all us 20 somethings who really feel like everyone else has their shit together and you’re clutching at straws. So I’m allowed to feel a little lost and scared that two of my best friends are moving across the world and another is getting a real proper job with proper (not student loan) money. I’m allowed to get a little freaked out that it’s my last year of undergrad and the next few years are going to be grown up and scary because, well, that’s what you’re 20s are for right?

So I’m sorry to everyone who’s waiting for any big announcements from me, I’m still in Little Mermaid Pjs (thank you Primark) and working out how to be a woman in the first place. Basically, I’m just being a 20 year old student who doesn’t have a clue.

10 things I’ve learnt in the last month

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Yesterday was 1 month since I fell off Rose, I couldn’t believe how quickly one month had gone. Although I still have a month until my next spine appointment, I will have hopefully made some more improvements. Where am I at the moment? I’m still taking very strong painkillers and have trouble getting up but I can walk that little bit further than before. I was quite poorly yesterday night (hence no blog) but I wanted to use today’s to think about some of the things I’ve learnt this month while I’ve been resting. Enjoy 🙂

1. Fear of falling is never a good thing

When I fell from Rose, I wasn’t scared. I knew that I had to just let go, it was only a fall. Ok, yes I ended up with much more than just an initial bruise BUT I want to get that feeling back. I want to get that feeling where I’m not scared of falling because I can’t just go around scared whenever I ride. I kind of want to apply it to other areas of my life too. I’m a total perfectionist, I’m absolutely terrified of failing, especially academically. So maybe I can relax a little? Just enough so I’m not a huge ball of stress all through third year.

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I will get back to being this fearless on a horse! 

2. How lucky I am

I am walking. I am not permanently in a wheelchair and I’m so grateful. The lack of finding the fractures meant I went back to my normal life, I could have very easily ended up paralysed. I’ve been cared for by the people who matter and I’m still getting there but it looks like I’m going to recover from this, for that I am so,so lucky.

3. I want to be financially secure so I can afford private healthcare once I’ve graduated

I don’t want the NHS to be privatised because for most of my life it’s been there and I’m glad we can rely on a National System. That said, I wasn’t treated well with this serious injury, I’ve had to wait and push and be in extreme pain for appointments and I still don’t have my back brace never mind that the fractures were missed. It’s one of my goals in life to have private healthcare because I know I will be treated with the best possible care, it’s sad but true.

4. I have lots of wonderful people around me 

My family is incredible and so are my friends. I’ve had this outpouring of love from all of my friends and family. Cards have been sent, I’ve been accompanied to hospital, Ali’d had to help me move, I’ve been pushed in my wheelchair and made to smile about it, comments,presents and messages. I feel so loved and appreciated everything so, so much.

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5. Sometimes it’s ok that things don’t go to plan 

As you all know I was meant to go to Prague with Eleanor and Dani this month. I’d been counting down for so long and I couldn’t go. I was devastated to say the least and I cried, a lot. The thing is although I didn’t get to go to Prague, I got invited to the Society Awards instead and saw my society win an award, as well as another one of my best friends win an award. Am I still sad that I missed out on time with El and Dani? Of course I am but at least I still got to smile with two of my other best friends.

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6. You can always embarrass yourself in front of your partner, no matter how long you’ve been together 

Ali and I have been together for seven years and yet I still find ways to embarrass myself. I’ve been taking showers as I can stand up in the warm water, it helps the pain. I decided my legs NEEDED shaving so I sat down in the bath…then realised I was stuck. Ali then had to come and lift me out of the bath, it was a beautiful moment. I was so embarrassed, love huh?

7. There are other ways to let out pain and frustration 

In the past when I was in the darkest parts of depression I didn’t know how to let my pain and frustration out in a positive way, now it’s a lot better. I write a lot or I draw sometimes. There are so many things that you can do to let it all out, I’ll be writing a post in the future about it.

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8. Friends are priceless

I couldn’t have kept my spirits up the way I have without my friends, they’ve been incredible. They’ve visited or messaged me and kept my spirits up with I’ve been very low and they haven’t gotten frustrated when it takes me so long to walk anywhere.Thank you to all of you, I love you so much.

9. A lot needs to be done for people who are permanently in wheelchairs 

I’ve gone out in my wheelchair twice and I’ve noticed this. While the majority of people have been nice and helpful I’ve been moaned at my people in cars for not being off the road the second the light turns green for them, I’ve been sighed at when someone needs to change their path because of my wheelchair and I’ve been walked in front of. This is where angry Chloe happens who doesn’t give a monkeys, I usually shout after them. It’s been so hard getting about in the wheelchair, to get up the pavement is a major issue, getting into shops, getting around in general! More needs to be done for people in wheelchairs to make their lives easier!

10. Pain doesn’t mean the end of happiness 

I’ve been pretty low through all this but I’ve still managed happiness. I can stil laugh with my friends and I’ve adapted things. I’m not saying I don’t get upset, frustrated and angry, but I can still achieve happiness even if it’s harder.

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Still smiling 

Society Awards 2015!!!

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Last night I mentioned that I was getting ready for the university Society Awards. It was all a bit of a rush at first with missing trains, busses not turning up and my sat in my wheelchair waiting for someone (Amy) to come and push me. We’ve gotten A LOT better at navigating around Kingston since the last time and Amy has strength that she never knew she did. So Amy, Laura and I headed out to represent Kingston Horse Riding Society at the awards.

It was a big dinner and award ceremony and I was wheeled around (and to my embarrassment carried because there weren’t ramps to the waiting area). We ate, laughed and took photos. First up was volunteering awards, which I’m embarrassed to say that I really didn’t know anything about. I’d love to volunteer but next year I’m going to be doing so much it will be unreal!

We nervously waited for our categories. This year we were nominated for Most Improved Society, Best President and Laura for Outstanding Contribution. We were shortlisted for the first….and then we won!!!!! We screamed so loud, our little society had won most improved! I was gutted that I couldn’t go up and accept with the others but a special mention was made and my picture taken! It was an incredible feeling and something I’m so proud to take through when I am president next year.

The society’s award!!! 

Next up was president of the year, which unfortunately Laura didn’t win but was shortlisted! We sat through the rest of the evening grinning like idiots because we did it! We had an award!! We only had one more to go and I, being the clumsy idiot I was, was trying not to knock everything over on the table.

Can you tell how excited we are? 😀 

For the final award of the night, Outstanding Contribution and we have a winner!!! Laura was one of 8 chosen! I cried when she won this award. I’m proud of all for my friends for different reasons, for Laura this is just a smidgen of how proud I am of her. Like me, she had a fall last year but is STILL recovering and had 9 months off of riding while she helped all of us and taught me everything I know about horses. She’d dealt with a load of other stuff as well and always has a smile on her face. Well deserved is an understatement and I am so happy to have her in my life and I can’t wait to watch our friendship grow over all our riding adventures!

Lovely Laura with her incredible award! 

I was so glad I went, after all the nerves and panic I felt about going in the chair. There were also times while I was there and feeling a little bit overwhelmed. So many people wanted to know about the wheelchair and what happened and what was going on in terms of recovery. I appreciated their kindness but it sent my anxiety into overdrive and nervousness.

Later on I’d calmed down and enjoyed myself. I was even wheeled on the dance floor and spun around, trying to wave my arms like a mad thing. Later, Laura did the same until my meds started to ware off and I got tired. I ended up getting wheeled home after midnight with lollipops and sweets. I was tucked up in bed (after being lifted in when my back decided it didn’t want to work) with a smile on my face and a tummy full of nerves for a fantastic society next year.

Wheelchairs, Goodbyes and Dinner along the river

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girls!

Left to Right Alissa,Eleanor, Amy, Maisha, Dani, Me 

Yesterday marked the arrival of my wheelchair, which I’d been recommended to rent out, but it was more cost effective to buy it *sigh*. I hadn’t been looking forward to it but I wasn’t that anxious until they rang the doorbell to deliver it. It came in it’s big box while Ali unwrapped it for me. We both just kind of stared at it for a while. I could tell that something in him matched my uneasiness about it. I sat in it and got back out again trying not to cry before asking him to put it away, I can’t even push myself in it!  I didn’t want it, I hated it and I didn’t want to go anywhere.

Luckily I got to escape to my doctors appointment, determined to walk to the bus stop. I got given more pain medication, had been dealing with the lousy insurance company and had to call Orthopaedics about a mistake they had made in my appointments. To put it simply I was pretty low. It didn’t help that on the bus ride home there were no seats. Standing on a bus brings unbelievable pain and luckily a woman spotted my face and let me sit down and a man offered to help me get up again after, which being me I said no to. I met Laura quickly to pick up my new prescription and she cheered me up, but I was still uneasy about going out in the evening.

A thousand thoughts went through my head, what if people stare? What if I just become the wheelchair girl when I go out? What if people laugh? I didn’t have too long to think about it before Amy picked me up. From then on it was more trying to navigate the roads…they really aren’t that wheelchair friendly. Pavements to get across the road weren’t straight and we couldn’t pull my chair, horrendous pathways I feel for people who are wheelchair bound, it’s really not fair!

From then on we met the girls and I started to relax, nobody here treated me different that’s for sure! They all relaxed too after being a bit nervous themselves and we were ready to have a great last meal with Alissa before she headed back to the US *sniff* and before Dani and El caught their flight to Prague.We had a great time, good food and I laughed so much my face hurt. We were all laughing and screaming while Amy and Eleanor divided steering me and trying to avoid the river ;). 10521733_10153886855593206_6154522888338423380_n

Dinner along the Thames

Despite smiling so much I went home and cried, I cried because I was going to miss Alissa who has become such a big part of our lives, I cried because I wished more than anything that I was going to Prague with the girls and I partly cried with relief because none of them saw me any differently. I woke up with a funny picture of ‘stick chloe’ on the plane with El and Dani to make me smile. I carried on with the day going for my brace measurement appointment, having a coffee with Laura before picking up some drawing stuff on the way home as something to do.

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Last night when the girls had made me laugh so much the chair didn’t matter 🙂 

The closer I got to home the more pain I was in. I got so mad, I was trying to be positive and everything but WHY was I so frustrated and sad all the time? On top of that I was completely exhausted, fed up I took a lie down to rest again. It is hard, I didn’t think I’d mind as much as I do but I’m usually up and about all the time. I caught myself dreaming about going swimming again, or for an absent minded walk around Kingston and for the next 6 or so weeks I’m stuck not being able to do either. 11295569_10153888888068206_1153168637262698221_n

Being Supergirl for my brace measurements appointment

I’m both positive and sad at the same time. I know it won’t be forever but I think missing out on Prague has hit the hardest. I know I can go again, but I look at the girls pictures and love and miss them both so much. So all in all a confusing day and I’m just about ready to sleep after being cooked a lovely Steak by Ali tonight (to make up for the palm size excuse for one that had the girls wetting themselves last night!).

Tomorrow will be better, I’ll make sure of it. Night guys!

I feel loved!

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It’s strange how something like this accident has made me realise how loved I really am. It’s not that I didn’t know before, but I’ve just had an outpouring of love and good wishes since I found out about the fractures and it’s been really making me smile. I’ve had a lot of support from you guys, my lovely followers! People wishing me the best, thinking of be, keeping me in their prayers, which is lovely and I thank you all so much. The kindness towards me has been cheering me up when I’m stuck in bed, on the sofa or only able to take little walks into town before I fall asleep again. IMG_2651

My card from Nanna and Gramps 🙂

Obviously you all know about how amazing Ali has been. He’s cooking for me, cleaning for me, helping me get up in the morning (not mentally, physically I have to do a really weird wiggle/roll thing to get out of bed) and he’s had to deal with me being frustrated and angry. He’d really do anything for me. On top of that my family have been incredible, my parents have been coming up for appointments, calling me every day and giving me advice or cheering me up when I need it. My sister’s been letting me rant when people get too worried and my grandparents have been great with texts, cards and phone calls 🙂 Ali’s Mum’s paid for him to come to Athens with me so that I can still go! Oh and not to forget my Lucy and little Lexi who have been texting most days and Lexi, being the sweetheart she is wanted to see me today so she could kiss my ouchie better, but she’s sending me magic anyway (seriously 3 year olds are THE cutest). IMG_2646

Keeping updated with Spider Gwen thanks to Joe! 

My friends have also been incredible, these are just some of the gifts and friends! My band have been super supportive over everything when I’ve been feeling so guilty,so have the music community making me determined to be back to performing as soon as I possibly can! As well as Laura coming with me to the hospital in the first place, she’s a regular visitor at the flat now, bringing me flowers, chocolate and a funny card to cheer me up. Joe got me another issue of Spider Gwen and made sure that I could see everyone at my work do even if it was just for a little bit and offered to pick me up anything I needed around town, as well as being hooked into helping me take my library books back and carrying my shopping around for me. Dani is collecting bits and bobs from the horse show to cheer me up and Amy got me a cute little notebook to cheer me up. I’m also chatting with all the girls on our whatsapp group too! As well as all that I get to see Alissa before she goes back to the US on Monday as well as El and Dani before they go to Prague.

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My new notebook from Amy 🙂

I’m in so much pain but I keep smiling because I feel so loved and cared for at the moment. I needed to write this down so that I can read it again later and be cheered up. I don’t know how to express how thankful I am for all the people who light up my life and are making this easier for me 🙂 I love you all so much and I’m so lucky to have such amazing people in my life.

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Flowers from Laura 🙂 

Little things to cheer me up

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I’ve been waiting to write this post all day, but at the same time not sure to write about. I’ve been feeling pretty low today, miserable from not really being able to do anything. As soon as I feel miserable though, I also feel guilty and remember how lucky I am, which makes me feel worse a horrible cycle. Ali’s been amazing, as usual and won’t let me lift a finger. He’s gotten very cautious about making sure that my back stays as strain free as possible.

Today’s revolved around my laptop, my bed, taking my medication and books to be precise finishing 2 books in 24 hours. If I do 2 books in a day, I’ll be burning through my bookcase by the time I get to fracture clinic! I just keep reading, writing and I’ll submit my final essay of the year once I can have a read and I’m not exhausted. Aside from all that I finally managed to convince Ali that I’d be ok on my own he’s gone to airsofting with the lads. I’d resigned to an evening on my own with a take away for one and a box of chocolates but Laura stepped in so I could go outside and get some chips 🙂

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Laura and I 

It’s nice to just have little trips out, even if I’m completely exhausted after. I need to get out occasionally because it can get a little disheartening just being stuck here and being in a lot of pain. I need to listen to the pain now and not just brush it off, which if I’m honest makes me really nervous. I know how serious this is now and how easily something could put me in a back brace.

I had another nice little surprise when I got home, my hamsters were awake. I tried to play with them, see what they wanted to do and something amazing happened.  They stayed calm and just let me stroke them, didn’t even try to move which means they really are getting used to me 🙂 It’s the little things that make me smile the most.

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Noodle (left) and Hamski (right) chilling together

What’s in store for tomorrow? Probably more sleeping because all my body seems to want to do is sleep. I’ll be reading more books, possibly writing some more, editing and I think I have a few uploads here to do as well. As well as that I’ll be submitting my FINAL ASSIGNMENT OF THE YEAR YIPPIE!!!! So it’s taking a while but hopefully my x-rays in 2 weeks will show an improvement 🙂

Road Trips with the girls

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Off in the sunshine today to see the beautiful Eleanor while she’s resting up after her surgery last weekend. The surgery all went well and she’s healing nicely despite having a pretty bad knee injury. Up early (ish), cup of tea down and bundle Dani, Amy and Alissa into my car just after rush hour so we can get down to Kent as quickly as possible.

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It has been SO sunny here in Kingston, unfortunately I missed a chunk of it when I traded the sun for the clouds of Durham and Newcastle, luckily it followed us to Kent. Cruising through Kingston and the M25 we had to change the journey but eventually pulled into Eleanor’s cute little village. It’s been such a long time since I’ve been in a proper village, there are a few that surround Basingstoke but I never go to them when I’m home, I’ve never needed to. We drove through all these little country lanes and fields. I had this little smile on my face as soon as we got to those views, just like I did while I was in the car up to Durham at the weekend. I don’t think you can really appreciate how beautiful this country is until you take a long drive/ train journey through it.

Once we finally got there, I can’t explain how good it was to see El again. I’ve missed all the girls so much since we finished lectures but with El, obviously I’ve been worried too because surgery is damn scary. El’s was a relatively simple surgery but what can I say I’m a worrier. We were able to catch up before eating an incredible lunch Eleanor’s mum had made for us. Oh my god it was so good, I’ve really been spoilt with all this good food for the past week (and I get more when I head home this weekend *dies*) potatoes and pasta were my picks out of the load of food laid out for us and then homemade cheesecake for pudding.

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The five of us in El’s garden

l-r, Amy, Me, El, Dani and Alissa 

With all of us back together it was back to our usual banter and a lot of laughs, I’d missed it. It’s different than the laughs I have with the boys, I like having the mix of both.

I guess I need times like this week, to get away to different places and be left to appreciate things. When you distance yourself from the things that are stressing you out, like my assignments, physically walk away from them it can bring that glow of happiness back that I really needed. Back to reality tomorrow, but it was nice to have a break 🙂

Postmodern Jukebox

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You’ve never heard of Postmoder Jukebox? Where have you BEEN! Tonight myself and the beautiful Eleanor were lucky enough to see them perform in London. I’ve been a fan of Scott Bradlee for a while now and of PMJ since seeing the above video. Basically they take new songs and give them an incredible twist of varying styles my favourites so far have been Fancy, Blank Space (which I think sounds better than the original) and Stacey’s Mom.

The show tonight was sold out and for good reason, they were incredible. It was a little bit cheeky but there is true talent in the show. Costumes, dancers, incredible arrangements I was definitely fangirling. When I a) found out they were on tour and b) found our El was also a fan I had to go. So we got the tickets well before Christmas. I have to say once you watch one video it becomes addictive, I’ve watched all the videos, have all the albums on my iPod, it’s incredible.

You all NEED to go and check them out! You won’t regret it!

10 things that helped get me out of a low mood (and hopefully can help you!)

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Ok so I disappeared yesterday because of a pretty crappy low (yay, depression). Now I’m back and I’ve been looking after myself for the past 2 days now I want to share 10 ways to help when you’re on a low. These help for me, hopefully they will for you as well!

1. Take a shower or bath

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When I used to have a REALLY bad low, before I was diagnosed my Mum would always send me to the shower to calm down. Now when I have a low it’s always the things she recommends first. I don’t know why but water has always made me feel calmer.

2. Be comfortable

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When you’re feeling particularly rough you do not need to wear super tight skinny jeans. Today and yesterday were comfy jumper and jean days. Also at night make sure your comfortable with some good PJ’s and an early night, even if you can’t sleep being able to relax will help.

3. Take some time to think about what YOU need right now

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Do you need sleep? Do you need to go for a walk? Be around friends? Work out what it is you want and need to make yourself feel even a little bit better. I’ve had plenty of days where for the morning I had to be alone but later my friends made me feel a lot better. It’s a personal thing and taking baby steps if you need to.

4. Talk it out or write things down

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Some of my best songs have come from horrible moments. Writing or talking, generally just getting it out of your system is healthy. Of course there are other ways too, some people do art or sport, whatever works for you.

5. Eat some good food

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Screw the diet. Comfort food is the best. For me a bit of chocolate and a good cup of tea can really make all the difference.

6. Get some natural light

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10 minutes of sunshine is proven to boost Serotonin levels, even if it’s overcast try and go outside. I know what it’s like when all you want to do is lie in the dark and forget everything. When I feel like that and just want to be alone I walk to my local shop, it only takes 5 minutes and I don’t talk to everyone

7.Exercise

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When I used to hear this I used to get irritated, why if I didn’t want to get up would I want to exercise? I know by now that just being around the horses lifts my mood and going riding is great to make me have a more stable mood, it gives me something else to think about. I can’t ride every day though, so Sunday I decided to head to the pool (the only other exercise I can stand) I only done half an hour but felt much better.

8. Put yourself around people who make you feel happy

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It usually takes me a little while to get to this part. For the first part of my lows I normally want to be alone but gradually I’m ok being around people. Moving in with Ali was a hugely positive part of getting better since moving to uni, sometimes I’ll see friends or text my mentor to see her but I almost always phone my Mum to talk things over. Support is always key.

9. Have a little treat

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If I’m sad and go wandering I usually buy myself a little something partly to cheer myself up and partly because I left the house, because sometimes that’s the absolute worst part. It’s usually just something small, a bar of chocolate, cupcake or a book, whatever money I have spare really.

10. Don’t be so hard on yourself

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Everyone has good and bad days, depression or not. Don’t blame yourself if you’re out for a day or even longer, just work through as best you can and don’t beat yourself up!