Am I ready for the end?

dfa121b5ab0a7ef3b9b831830bae06fd

As excited and happy as I was to see the back of my Dissertation and Special Study, my two biggest essays I’ve felt a little all over the place with my emotions for the past few days. I think it’s finally hitting that as soon as these assignments are over it’s the end of my time studying for my degree and slowly but surely everyone will start moving to various parts of the world and I’ve got to work this job thing out. I guess I’m struggling with the fact that I’ve built my life in this town and I have all these people I know, places I like and now I’m going to up and move again. While I’ve missed Basingstoke, I’m not the person I was when I was there, and I won’t be the doormat I was when I lived there. I want to carry on being this strong person but with so much change and uncertainty I can feel my anxiety rising.

As my Mum said this morning though, this is a new beginning. I’m trying to look forward and remember the person I am now is who I continue to be. Not being in uni doesn’t mean I revert to the anxious 18 year old I was when I left, or that I’m going to be as sick as I was. When you’re low it’s hard to think of these things. I’m also not putting too much pressure on myself to find the perfect job straight out of uni and be 100% independent in every single aspect, there’s going to be a time where things are a bit messy but I guess that’s ok.

I don’t really know what this post is, I guess just to get my thoughts out because I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. I’m also just struggling to be motivated to finish my assignments, there’s definitely been a lack of support at uni for the last few weeks which is a shame, so I don’t know if I’m doing things right or not. I guess I’m just a bundle of anxiety right now but a little over 1 week to go and it’s all over, I’m just wondering what happens next…

Finishing my first week of classes…yes really!

12063772_10154276847783206_9067123128708589368_n

As of 11am I had finished my first week of classes for this year. I know, crazy right? Being a humanities student is about doing a lot of independent research so while I’m only in class 6 hours a week I’m definitely going to need to use the rest of the week to get my research done and try and get some new ideas together, but this suits me just fine. I get to read and create ideas and if I’m having a low I can just work at whatever time suits me best, if I have a rough night I can sleep later and work into the evening or vice versa. I feel like I’m going to get a lot more done this year when I can set my own times and agenda.

I am really pleased with the way my classes went this week, it’s a lot more interesting and I feel like we’re at a stage where our opinions can really be valued. I’ve worked hard to get to the stage that I’m at with my course and I finally feel like I can let out my excitement and not look like the biggest geek ever because, with dissertation especially, other people are also enthusiastic about their projects.

This is the start of, hopefully, a long road of independent research, there are even less classes when you take part in a Masters degree and then PhD classes are usually research based rather than taught. It’s a big thing to undertake but right now it’s one of the only things on my mind. Of course I’d love to be a musician and tour the world but equally I know that might not happen because a big part of it is being in the right place at the right time.

I’ll admit that I am a little nervous about having lows, partly because for 4 days of the week there is nothing to force me to go outside, but partly because I’ve lost my ways of exercising. It is hard having mental health issues and studying sometimes, you can feel really isolated, especially around deadlines as well as extra pressures but I’m hoping that not being in class all the time means I can just sit and focus as well as trying to meet up with friends from other courses/play shows/ write/draw if I am getting a little too stressed.

All in all I’m pretty pleased with how this week has gone, I have a tonne of reading to do in the next few days but I can’t wait to go back to class on Monday morning!