How am I really?

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Hello everyone. I realised reading through my blog that I really haven’t spoken about how I am, mentally I mean. All of my regular readers know about my spine and all that stuff but I did want to write this blog to share my experiences. So how am I really? Well things have been pretty up and down. Even in the last few weeks I’ve been taken hostage by my emotions after a lot of upheavals.

Honestly, I have had my struggles lately. Two of my best friends have moved to New Zealand, I’ve picked up three jobs, going between hospital appointments and just generally learning to cope with the pain of my spine. Not all of these have been necessarily bad or terrible all of the time but as you can imagine it doesn’t make controlling my moods easier. I think the tiredness isn’t easy either.

Living with a mental health condition is just something that I’ve learnt to deal with it. Is it a walk in the park? No. Is it always easy? Definitely not. I am trying to deal with it as best I can though with the help I have and the things I’ve learnt. I still have days where my bed is my best friend and facing the world is what I want to do least but there have been some positives. I’m starting to control the anger and frustration in a healthier way and be able to try and talk to the people around me and just admit when I’m not doing too good and just need some time or some space. I’m getting better at knowing what I need too.

I’m not healed, I might never be, but I’m okay with that. I’ve got through before and no matter how bad it gets, I have some strategies or I know who to talk to because I finally have a good medical team around me. I know right now I’m lucky and when I can pull myself out of that black hole enough to see it, it makes me so happy.

So answering the question, I’m getting through. I’m having more good days than I am bad, which for me is incredible. When I do get sad, anxious or start to develop a panic attack I can look at my tattoo and it reminds me one day at a time, that’s all that matters.

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Writer life.

I’d love to tell you all that all I do in life is write. That would be lying. I wish I could get up in the morning, open my laptop with a cup of tea and write page upon, page of an amazing novel which will sell millions of copies. That said I do write every day on this blog, songs, lists, notes. The most important part of that is the song writing.

When I can’t deal with life and I’m spiralling or even if I feel really happy I pick up a pen, or my laptop and I just put the pain (or lack of it) onto paper. I have a box of old lyrics books, scribbled notes here and there and if you go through either my room here or at home you’ll find diaries, old stories and piles of lyrics. I don’t know why but writing to me is one of the most incredible and liberating thing. If I want, no one will ever see some of the things I have written or everyone could.

Do I want to write something that would be a best seller? Of course I do. I don’t know if it will ever happen, but I might try. I might end up sitting in the uni library in the silence for hours and come out with nothing worth reading to anyone else. It’s just for me.

The songs are a different matter. I put the words on to paper and everyone who comes to our shows will hear what I feel. Some songs, like Breaking Point, are something I came up with because of the people around me and then later people I imagined, other songs are entirely different. If you look at Good Enough, which I was immensely proud of, it was really personal and the newest songs that we’re working on are even more so. It’s taken a year for me to not feel sick when I sing the boys my ideas for the first time, because it’s so personal to me. I know how ‘artistic’ of me, but this is me pouring my heart on to a page.

I don’t know what it is but I wrote a post ages ago, life through my fingers, about how it was the only way to make myself feel better. I said playing Piano wasn’t like writing and it’s not but I was wrong in some aspects. When I write some things, like this, I just write whatever and that how almost every creative thing of mine starts, I don’t think too hard at first. That’s a trait that used to get me in so much trouble during Art lessons at school, nearly 5 years since my GCSEs and I’m still like it…and why I didn’t take Art any further.

Writing, in all it’s beautiful ways is tiring, frustrating, liberating…sometimes everything.

Argh!

I’m sure the feeling of wanting to hide away and tell everyone to piss off is not lost on you guys. Everyone has those days, or in my case evenings when your tired, irritated and just want some space, some room to breathe from everyone. Sometimes mine goes a little deeper than that.

Next week is reading week, that’s right I’m six weeks in to my course and I’m definitely feeling it, although not necessarily from just studying. Societies, friendships, band stuff, working, volunteering for things, basically right now I’m exhausted. I’m ready for reading week and although I’m working half of it, the other half I want to just chill out, relax and not think about too much. I know I’m doing well, but sometimes when I’m doing well I burn out, get tired and then quickly start to get very unhappy.

The past few days have been a little bit like that, I know things are going well and then I don’t want to stop. Sometimes I just kind of forget my illness and try and get everything done because I’m excited and happy, I forget that as a part of this I need to rest too. It sounds silly but Β rest is HUGE part of recovering from depression because it is exhausting. Low days make me so tired, I get pulled down and I just can’t do anything because it’s like a weight on me that I’m struggling to lift, sometimes for days.

If I’m honest I’m not at my strongest right now because I need a rest BUT I have found that when I go horse riding I feel a lot better, I get on the horse and that is all I focus on, no phone, no internet, no thoughts, just me and the horse. Today I rode Princess, a lovely older horse. I picked it up quite quickly and had a good ride and good feedback, I could feel my muscles getting stronger and actually my self worth. I’d never done this before and now I could do it and I loved it.

So when I go from feeling that good to just feeling generally useless I get frustrated and angry, sometimes to the point where I want to lash out at my illness because it’s just not where I want to be. I want to be happy and stay on one level but sometimes I just can’t.

I have a stack of blogs to upload for you all and I’ll get on that as soon as I can.

Sorry guys, it’s really just one of those nights apparently.