Tag: books

Anxiety and Partying

Leave a comment

12031338_10154251740933206_8434969234819998781_o

The last time I had a night out was for my 21st birthday in September, exactly 6 months ago today. Now it’s not because I’m just a total hermit who hates fun. There are so many reasons I don’t go on nights out. It’s mostly because of my spine as well as the fact that as I’ve grown older I’ve got over the whole ‘let’s get wasted and then feel awful in the morning’ thing, which I was never really into anyway.

I don’t really drink anymore partly because I can’t mix large quantities of alcohol with my pain medication, and I do NOT want to go without that when I’m trying to sleep. The other half is that I’ve learnt from the past that when I’m anxious or depressed I use alcohol in a bad way, I drink and drink and drink until I don’t feel my emotions anyone or the depressant side of alcohol makes me feel worse. A lot of people forget that alcohol is a depressant.

So as well as physically not being able to spend the night standing and dancing in bars, mentally my anxiety makes it really difficult. I’ve had many people tell me I’m ‘letting’ anxiety rule my life, which hurts more than anything. If I let me anxiety rule my life there would be a week or two where I wouldn’t leave my house. Just going about my day, going to work, uni or just popping to the shops can sometimes feel like the biggest mountain.

Tonight, I have been invited to go out with a group of people for a friends birthday. While I know I won’t be going to the club, just going to her house for a get together, being social and around people I don’t know fills me with deep anxiety. The anxiety that panics over what to wear and if I look stupid, if anyone will speak to me or if I’ll do something or say something stupid. The anxiety that takes over my normal brain and runs riot with fictional scenarios. Sounds fun having my brain, right?

I think the worst thing is that for the people I used to go out drinking and dancing with they see a change that isn’t always understood. Normally people think that I don’t want to bother to do anything or that I don’t want to be around them anymore. It’s not the case at all, as I’ve said there are a lot of things I still can’t do, and there are also things I realised about myself in the past year.

I don’t miss drinking to get drunk, I don’t miss paying £7 to get into a packed nightclub and have boys try to grope me and I don’t miss having to come home alone at 1am. I don’t know if this is because I’ve changed or I’ve just let myself be who I am and not care. I like to go out to dinner somewhere fun, get a hot drink with someone , going to the gym to build up my muscles again. I’d rather spend my money on books or pops or going to Comic con. I like to spend my time working on my blog, writing a novel or performing music. Oh and I love to read, books have been a constant companion for me when my spine really tries to hurt me. That isn’t to say I judge anyone who likes to go out, I’ve done it! This is just how I feel about having fun myself now.

11882371_10154157111723206_3484982963789270744_o

Where all my money goes!

I wanted to write this post not only to get my thoughts on a page (and possibly avoid my dissertation), because I wanted other people to know that it’s ok. I know for a fact there are a lot of people out there who also don’t like clubs and would prefer not to spend their hard earned cash getting hammered because it’s really hard for them. I’ve been there, when my flat felt like the only place I could feel remotely calm and safe and that’s ok. Anxiety and Depression are really shitty illnesses that can make even the simplest of tasks feel impossible.

So wish me luck for my first ‘night out’ without Ali or my Mum in 6 months and here’s to hoping the anxiety stays at bay so I can celebrate with my friends.

Book Review: Why Not Me? – Mindy Kaling

Leave a comment

22716447

“I am notorious for making impassioned speeches about things nobody cares about.”
― Mindy Kaling, Why Not Me?
Back again after first hilarious book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?, Mindy Kaling has more advice to share with us mere mortals about how to get through life and how hers has changed between the two books. In her funny and honest awkward big sister style of writing Kaling has once again packed in a whole range of topics to keep you reading until the early hours.
After loving Mindy’s last book I asked for this and thankfully my boyfriend’s sister gave it to me on Christmas Eve nicely wrapped and I couldn’t wait to tear off the paper and fall into a funny book. There’s not doubt that Kaling has gone through some hardship in her life, she frequently reminds us of the chubby little indian girl she was growing up, but uses it to propel the humor and remind us readers that she’s not so different from us after all, despite her success.
There’s a load of different topics once again, although this time I found them to be put together a lot better and the book to just have a bit more of a flow than her first, which just shows that she’s growing as an author. With thoughts of Weddings, her feelings when her show was pulled (before it was later saved by Hulu), more hilarious boy stories, a day in the life of Mindy Kaling and thoughts about her own body it really is like talking to a, very excitable, friend. Hell, she even tells you what to bring to her dinner party, if only we were invited.
I found that this book was a lot more focused on her role as a writer and actress and it was interesting to hear her perspective on what it is like to work in television. It was also comforting to hear about the times when things didn’t go well or when she screwed things up, because as a 21 year old who’s about to graduate I needed to hear that it’s ok to not know what you’re going to do next. This was something that was touched upon in the first book but really comes alive and she shows you just how much hard work goes into making, writing and filming The Mindy Project.
I gave Why Not Me five stars *****. I honestly think it was an improvement on the much loved Is Everyone Hanging Out Without me, just because Mindy seems to have found her voice and rhythm as an author now, making it even easier and funnier to read. I’m going to be lending the two books out to a friend of mine in the next few weeks because I just feel like this a book that all young women should read, because Mindy show’s just how much hard work plays a part of success rather than luck. It might sound cheesy but it really does leave you thinking, Why Not Me?

Book Review: How to Build a Girl – Caitlin Moran

1 Comment

23346662

“In the end, I go where I always go when I need information on something baffling, poisonous, or terrifying: the library.”

Influenced by Moran’s own life, How to Build a Girl follows teenager Johanna as she decides to ‘kill herself’, meaning killing the boring Johanna and instead becoming Dolly Wilde. Dolly Wilde is meant to be interesting, covered in eyeliner, smart and generally more desirable than what Johanna has been. Although as all of us who have tried to change ourselves as teenagers  will know, it doesn’t always work out how you planned ( I myself went through a phase of hating my name and trying to get everyone to call me Frankie…a shortened version of my middle name).

While this is not Moran’s autobiography, anyone who has read How to Be a Woman will see that Caitlin’s younger life does have a number of parallels (which she addresses before the start of the novel). This isn’t lazy writing, while the similarities are obvious such as Johanna living in a small flat with a lot of siblings and her ambition to be a writer, the character is definitely her own person and absolutely hilarious. To draw one last parallel, the novel talks a lot about masterbation, so much so it opens with Johanna masterbating…in somewhat questionable circumstances.

For anyone who’s ever felt like the odd one out or anyone who’s wished they could just become someone else, you’ll like the character. She’s young and headstrong but also incredibly funny. Most of all though, she’s a teenager who’s trying to get through her life and work out what she’s going to do with it. The only person really at her side the whole time is the dog, as she doesn’t have many friends. In fact she sends a lot of time being yelled at by the local yobs. After thinking she’s gotten her family into big trouble, Johanna needs to get money fast and so she has to come up with a plan using one of the few talents she has.

To go further than that would ruin the fun of How to Build a Girl. I will say though that Moran’s wit comes through just as strong in this novel. It’s also fun and nostalgic to see the world through the eyes of a young teenager again and that sense of being able to  just decide to do something and work out how it’s all going to work out later. One of the best things about Johanna though is that because she is flawed is what creates a loveable character. She gets into all kinds of mischief throughout, but at the end of the day there is a big heart too and a real love for the family who sometimes drives her mad.

I gave How to Build a Girl five stars *****. If you’ve read any other books or articles by Moran it’s very much in the same chatty style and doesn’t hold back from what she thinks. The best part is that How to Build a Girl is also supposed to be the first in a trilogy! Johanna is set to come back for more and if, like me, you can’t wait for more Moran after this her new book Moranfesto comes out next week (I’m not sponsored, just super excited). It really is an entertaining read and worth picking up the next time you’re in a bookshop!

Book Review: How I Lost You – Jenny Blackhurst

1 Comment

23435951

‘My name is Susan Webster. Nearly four years ago, on 23rd July 2009, I killed my three-month-old baby boy’ 

Susan Webster has spent the past three years in a psychiatric hospital after killing her baby boy in an attack she doesn’t remember. With a new identity and heavy guilt Susan is released back into society and moves to a place where no one knows her apart from a fellow inmate who is now her best and only friend. That is until Susan, now Emma, gets an envelop hand delivered through her door addressed to Susan and inside is a picture of her son at three years old. She’s never remembered that awful day, could someone be lying or has she really gone crazy?

I picked this novel up on a three for £10 deal with Amazon, I was intrigued by the idea and how an author was going to pull this off. While the idea was not simple, I had faith in the reviews I’d read and thought I might as well give it a go because this could be absolutely fantastic. At first I was more than happy, the novel was engaging and interesting, pulling me along as I read. My favourite character was Cassie, Susan/Emma’s best friend, she seemed to have the kind of spark that I felt Susan/Emma lacked. I also felt that the character of Nick wasn’t as needed as he is made out to be, in fact he annoyed me quite a lot as a character and merely seemed like a distraction.

With that in mind, however, I can appreciate that Blackhurst is writing from the point of view of a woman who believes she has killed her son, after being told again and again that she has. I just felt that once events start to unfold she could have had more fire to her, especially when it came to believing her son may still be alive somewhere. I also wished there was more emphasis on Postnatal Depression, which is mentioned as one of the reasons that Susan/Emma had killed her son.

I think what made me struggle the most is that the further I got into the novel the more far fetched it became. There was alternating narratives throughout but the reader isn’t told who the other narrator is and for a while the reader has absolutely no idea what this has to do with Susan/Emma at all and it all just seems a little confusing. By the time I’d got to the ending of the novel I felt a little cheated, there were a lot of similarities to other authors such as Sophie McKenzie. While I’m not saying this was intentional on Blackhursts part I was expecting more. The links that were made were plausible but seemed to me more than a little far fetched.

I’m giving this novel 3 stars ***. While it was a good novel, it didn’t really stand out to me as a thriller. While the writing is good I just felt like the ending was a bit too far fetched for me personally. I do think that others would enjoy this but as I said before I’ve read a lot of thrillers and just didn’t have a huge personal interest by the end of the novel.

Review by Chloe Metzger

Sunday Seven – Seven Reviews that are coming your way! 21st Feb

Leave a comment

This week I’ve had a great response to my book reviews and as a result I got really excited about what’s coming up. For this week’s Sunday Seven I thought I’d share 7 books I have that will be reviewed in the coming weeks and months!

I have a lot more non fiction coming up in the coming months. People’s lives, particularly those who have faced adversity are fascinating to me. There’s a real mix in the books above from prison memoirs, to body, mind and soul and some which will leave your sides aching from laughing so hard.

  1. Orange is the New Black – Piper Kerman. A lot people don’t know this was a memoir first and it’s absolutely fantastic.
  2. How to Build a Girl – Caitlin Moran. Caitlin’s fiction is just as hilarious as her non-fiction, if you liked How to Build a Girl, you’re going to love this.
  3. Why Not Me – Mindy Kaling. One of the biggest blog posts of this week was my review of Mindy’s first book, all I can say is this book was even better than her first.
  4. Room – Emma Donoghue. This has been EVERYWHERE during awards season, I haven’t seen the film but I absolutely loved the book. Haunting, fascinating and brilliantly written.
  5. Strong Looks Better Naked – Khloe Kardashian. A lot of people will judge this book, literally by it’s cover but for someone (me) who’s going through a big transition and trying to make body, mind and soul more healthy, Khloe has a lot to say.
  6. After Auschwitz- Eva Schloss. The big selling point to this book is that Eva is Anne Franks step-sister. Anne’s father Otto married Eva’s mother after the war. As well as it being interesting to see how someone survives the horror of the concentration camps, it was also lovely to hear about Otto after Anne’s diary ended.
  7. Hope in a Ballet Shoe – Michaela & Elaine DePrince. This story is so important right now, because it shows what can come of taking in a child refugee. A story of determination, hope and love.

Harper Lee

Leave a comment

906d744ebc3daf793a64f6c45b84e2c7

The literature world was shocked and saddened to hear the the great writer Harper Lee passed away today. We have truly lost a great talent, she’s a writer that had an idea and ran with it, the end result was educating millions about being a good person and created a literary legend in the character of Atticus Finch.

I first time I picked up the Pulitzer prize winner I was 15 and about to start the final year of my GCSEs. It had been around for a year before as my boyfriend studied for his, but I hadn’t read it because I had no idea what it was about. As soon as I opened that first page though, I was hooked. The book had such a profound effect on me, I truly believe it was what started my love for academics. I went on to pass my GCSE and went on to study a whole project on the African American woman, inspired by the mother figure of Calpurnia and the mistreatment of the African American community in To Kill a Mockingbird.

When Go Set a Watchman was released last year, I preordered, managed to leave work a little early and started as soon as I got home. While there were a lot of reviewers who hated it, I loved it. I loved the fact that it showed how people change and the people who you thought were heroes growing up were just ordinary people.

She rarely gave interviews and had only released those two books, but they were enough. Enough for us to see her wisdom and intelligence and continue to  Even though she kept to herself, she was an icon in literature.

Rest in Peace Harper Lee.

My Last Reading Week!

Leave a comment

10679580_10154263450503206_6048844589280864096_o

Today marks the start of the last Reading Week (although now they call it Enrichment Week) I will have. Of course I’ll still have them while I’m a postgrad but I won’t have the free time I do now, because I’ll be working a full time job too. Dun, dun, duuuuuuuuuun. Now I’m in my third year I don’t have a choice but to use this week to get organised, productive and tick things off of my ever growing to do list. That said, I’m not allowed to go mad this week because of my recent diagnosis as well as having to deal with some spine pain.

It’s going to be good for me to have a week to go at things my own pace, do some things I enjoy and go and see my family at the end of it. I’ve already got more done over the weekend than I planned, simply because I was relaxed and just spent some time with myself, thinking about what I want and how I’m going to go about it. Being me, of course I have a to do list of all the things I want to do this week, which is mostly assignments I need to get cracking on or stuff I need to do around the house. I guess I really want to also take the time to take care of myself and make things easier in the long run. The more I get done this week, the less I have to worry about later on.

Of course, there might be some non course reading involved this week too…

Remembering the good.

Leave a comment

0d526d0815f94b767c3f1aa42cb00ffc

If you haven’t guessed already I love pictures like the one above. I love words and slogans and nice backgrounds. I guess it’s because sometimes I don’t have the image that says what I want to say or sometimes I don’t have the words to say how I feel. It’s because of that I use Pinterest a lot because sometimes the words I need are already there. I don’t use the quote I picked today because I think I’m this brave, strong person. I’ve always said I’ve simply got on with my life the best I can.

I’ve thought a lot about the accident in the past few days, about my spine. This isn’t because I’ve had a lot of time on my hands, more because I’ve been in pain again and there’s nothing more frustrating. When my doctors say the scans look normal and my physio says there’s not much he can do and yet I’m still in pain a lot of the time. When I’m in the awkward part where I still can’t walk too far or stand up for long periods of time and have to explain that I’m recovering from a spine injury. When I have to call venues and explain why I need a seat and they have to decide if I’m ‘disabled enough’, because I’m not officially registered as disabled but at the same time I’m still struggling so much. Don’t get me wrong I do not want another label at all, but sometimes it’s what other people want so I can get the help I need at concert venues for example.

So while I was feeling pretty down about this yesterday, I had a conversation with Ali about how I was feeling and why. He reminded me that while the accident was shitty, awful and did change a lot of my life, a lot of positives came out of it too. I was reminded of these again when I went to see Joe tonight.

  • I’ve got a new appreciation for my body when it’s healthy
  • I’ve gotten better at taking me time and not doing things I don’t want to do
  • I’ve learnt a lot about friendship
  • I’ve got a much better relationship with food, portion sizes and exercise
  • I met Alice, who has come to be a great friend and support to me, I would never have set foot in a gym if it wasn’t for the accident
  • My relationships gotten stronger
  • I have a new sense of understanding when it comes to physical disabilities
  • I got a job I love that I might not have applied for if I hadn’t been spending so much time online when I couldn’t move
  • I got a lot of reading done
  • As a result of the reading I finally embraced feminism and found a new passion

There’s a lot there and I think, as with anything that changes your life when you don’t expect it, there’s a lot to deal with. Sometimes I forget all the positives because I’m just having a down day, that’s all. I worried about writing tonight’s blog because I have had people in the past saying I think too much about my spine, that it takes over my life. Then I shook the thought off because of COURSE breaking your spine is going to have a huge impact on your life, it changes everything for at least the first year – two years after it happens. I no longer care about the ignorant or negative people who don’t try and understand or make throwaway comments because my spine and how I handle it is a part of my life. The good, the bad and the ugly.

Sunday Seven: 7th Feb 2016

Leave a comment

As promised I’m starting a new weekly post about my favourite 7 things of the week! Some weeks it might be themed, others it will just be my favourite 7 things of the week, like this week! If you’ve got an idea of what you’d like to see in Sunday Seven then let me know in the comments!

One – Having my face plastered across the Uni 

Last year I won an award for Overcoming Adversity and to promote this years award there has been a very embarrassing picture of me and the other winners  all over Facebook, Twitter, the student paper and all around the screens at the uni. I’m nominated for 3 awards this year too which is awesome, but doesn’t make this picture any less embarrassing.

IMG_6325

 

Two – My Hamsters 

Hamski and Noodle are my fur babies and have been really active this week. We’ve had a lot of hugs, some lessons in not biting (Noodle) and a few mini photo shoots. I’m completely besotted with them both.

6BB213DC-D5C5-43CA-B285-E33427FB78FC

Three – Fresh Flowers 

I’m a sucker for fresh flowers. I just love the smell and the way they brighten up a room, even if it’s rainy and horrible outside. My grandparents got me these on Monday to say get well soon, because they’re adorable.
IMG_6295

Four – New Books! 

I had some books I needed to exchange this week and came home with three that I’ve been desperate to read. Sex Criminals is a graphic novel and nothing like the title suggests, well it is but not what you think a sex criminal would be, it’s volume 2 out of 3 and so far, so good. The next two books are by authors I adore and have reviewed  before, both are Young Adult fiction and look to be brilliant.

IMG_6328

Five – Primark’s Star Wars Game 

The Force is strong in Primark. I absolutely love anything Star Wars since watching the original trilogy over my birthday, then of course the new film was fantastic. I popped into primark and got a kick ass pair of shoes for a fiver (!!), R2-D2 cup for £3.50, Storm Trooper knickers for £2.50 and the socks for about £2. This badass stuff and the Harry Potter stuff they normally have is one of the reasons I only let myself in there sparingly. IMG_6340

Six – American Crime Story 

Now, I don’t normally watch a lot of TV. There are a lot of ‘cult’ shows that I’ve never watched or I have watched and haven’t seen the appeal, I’m much more of a book girl. That said, I watched the first episode of American Crime Story and I am hooked and can’t wait for the next episode on Tuesday. It’s also made me interested in the trial itself, meaning I have a lot of reading to do after pouring over documentarys last month.

rs_634x862-151121113347-ACS20S120Vanity20Fair20Ad

Seven – Harley Quinn 

All hail Harley Quinn! This is the graphic novel that started my obsession. I absolutely love the character of Harley and today picked up another novel, making it my third. There’s another two I need to buy and of course I’m excited about the new Suicide Squad movie. I have to admit so far I like this version of Harley better, but we shall see when the movie comes out in August. IMG_4616

If I Stay – Gayle Forman

Leave a comment

6990472

After a fatal car crash that leaves 17 year old Mia barely alive, she has to make a choice to live or die, after being certain she has lost both of her parents. As she watches her family and friends come to terms with the disaster as she separates from her body she needs to decide. Will she let go and follow her parents into the unknown or fight to come back

As with many other people I became aware of this novel because of its film release, at the time it hadn’t been released and I haven’t seen the movie as I write this. I’d heard good things about the novel and so I decided I’d pick it up and give it a go. It’s certainly a difficult novel and at times can be slightly graphic. We’re guided through the novel by Mia herself as she struggles to watch the rest of the day unfold. All she can do is watch and listen. Her family, friends and boyfriend are all willing her to come back and it’s up to Mia to decide if that’s enough for her.

Although I like the idea, the novel didn’t particularly stand out to me. The novel is fairly short and sways between the present and past and gives us a good insight into Mia’s life before the accident. I found it hard to connect to the story, of course it made me sad, but I didn’t feel a deep rooted connection to Mia or the characters around her. That said, I did feel an incredible connection in relation to how she felt about her music and the prospect of being a musician and this added to the sense of tragedy. If anything I would have loved more insight into her love of music and her hopes and dreams, although maybe this was intentional.

Forman questions something that few of us will even consider thinking about, would you chose to live after losing so many people you love, if you had the choice? Many of us would instantly say we’d choose life, but would we? This is not the first novel of its kind, however, it is the first for young adult readers, it makes them think. I makes the reader consider a life without their loved ones and the choices and sacrifices that are made every day. I wouldn’t say that the novel is morbid in that respect but it deals with death in quite a straightforward way, for Mia it appears to be more of an escape. It also raises the question of  life after trauma. We have no idea how Mia will be affected by her injuries if she decides to live. Will she play Cello again? Will her dream of going to Juilliard be snatched away from her as her parents were? Is her younger brother Teddy, whom she adores, still alive? As I said it is a novel full of questions and what if situations.

If anything I’d say that the book could have been longer. Although well written, there was so much crammed into the book that at times I felt rushed through. I wanted to know the smaller details, memories and possibly more about more minor characters in the novel to give them a bit more life within the novel. Also what about afterwards? If she decides to die, does she meet her family? If she lives do her dreams come true? I guess to an extent this leaves us to make up our own minds but I wish this was included in the novel.

I give this novel 3 stars ***. I liked the idea and found Mia to be a nice character but failed to interact with her as a person. I also found that I was hungry for more at the end of the novel and felt that it could have had a better ending or more to it maybe? If you’re looking for a shorter read that raises questions then If I Stay may well be for you but I simply found that there was too much left unanswered at the end.

 

Review by Chloe Metzger