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Book Review: One Step Too Far – Tina Seskis

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‘They’ll be better off without me’ 

Heartbroken and pushed to her limit Emily makes a decision that many of us only dream of, she walks out of her life.

Have you ever looked at the departures board at a train station and just thought Why don’t I just go, leave all of this behind me and just leave? The answer? You have. You can lie to yourself all you want but each and every one of us at some point have just wanted to leave and start a fresh. At the start of the novel we don’t understand Emily’s motives but we are deeply aware something has gone wrong. Leaving with the memories of her husband and son Emily gets on a train to London and attempts not to look back. As she quickly learns the ways of a London runaway Emily, now reinvented as Cat, tries desperately to shake off her past although it always comes back to haunt her…

The novel is intertwined between a mix of characters, Emily, Cat, Ben, Caroline, Frances and Angel to name a few. While this makes One Step Too Far interesting and puts together the pieces of the puzzle it is also a little confusing at times. You generally know  who is speaking but there are always questions, where are they? What is the time period that this part is set in?  For example the novel starts from Emily’s perspective and it appears to be pretty straight forward, we are then transported to the birth of twin girls and a mother who simply does not have enough love for two. That quick change is very important to the novel later on but doesn’t seem to make much sense initially. I’m quite used to novels like this however I think that for some readers this may become pretty complicated. I don’t say this lightly, even I had to go back sometimes and re read to make sure I actually understood what was going on. There were some important things towards the end that I missed and others that didn’t make sense to me until a much later point, although I do believe this was Seskis’ intention.  This is true of the ending of the novel, about 90% of the way though I got very confused and a little frustrated because of a significant change. As my regular readers know I don’t like spoiling things for you so I can’t reveal why I was so irritated at one point.

Despite any irritation I felt towards the end (although may I add this was resolved by the last page), the character of Emily/Cat fascinated me. I feel that Seskis has tapped into a gold mine after creating this plot in the sense that anyone can relate to Emily. She relates to our wildest desires of simply uprooting and getting away with it. I’m not saying I want to just dispensary but everyone’s had days where they wish they could reinvent themselves or just start over. That said I feel that Emily was made into a real person, it’s impossible to like her all the time. I sat with book in hand feeling so many emotions, I smiled at the happy times, I despaired at her lowest, I absolutely loathed her at times, I laughed occasionally and I gasped as I finally got to her darkest secret (although I’ll admit I was a little confused too).

I would generally recommend this novel to friends as I do think it is a good read, that said I do feel that sometimes there are too many twists and turns (especially at the end). I’ll give the novel 3 stars because it reflects my feelings of being right in the middle. I do like the plot and the characters but at the same time I struggled at times with quite important aspects and even now after finishing feel I may need to go back and re read some parts. I also felt that the ending kind of took away from some of the realism of the novel as a whole, however I would still recommend this to a friend as a good read.

Sunday Seven – Seven Dr Seuss Quotes to Live By

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Lately I’ve come across a lot of really awesome Dr Seuss quotes and they’ve just made me wonder at his mind. I’m going to start counting him as one of my heroes. I won’t lie I have been feeling pretty rough lately and having confidence doubt about myself, my work and all that jazz. SO for this weeks (slightly late) Sunday Seven I wanted to share some of my quotes to live by the wonderful Dr Seuss.

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I want to scream this from the roof tops! I wish this was repeated to teenagers constantly. I wish I could say I was someone who wasn’t bothered by what other people say, but I am. I need to look at this quote sometimes to remind me of the people that matter.

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Ah, what a perfect quote for a bookworm. Book are one of the best and wonderful things that can really change a persons life. BOOK FOR THE WIN!

 

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I feel like I should put this on gym clothes and just have it made into a huge canvas to put in my future office/writing room. Everyone has been at that point where they’ve thought, why should I carry on? Why bother. Hell I feel like this now while I’m in the final few weeks of my degree but the magic Dr Seuss has made me feel a hell of a lot better.

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I know that for a long time I was consumed by my past. I was so terrified and stuck in the past that I wasn’t making the most of my present and future. This is really important especially when I’m about to go into the unknown. I’m determined to not be stuck in the past, I want to embrace the future are really take in what’s around me.1cbe9bd21bcddfd88f275d828656e69e

This is SO important. It’s a quote I keep going back to when I’m feeling really down. I might be struggling, but there is only one me. There is only one me and no one else can do what I do or has what makes me, me. And that’s pretty cool.

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When you were a teenager, didn’t you just wish you were normal? Just beg and pray at night to fit in and not be a freak. When you’re a teenager, especially one that doesn’t quite fit in, normal seems like a perfect thing. The older I’ve gotten, and I know I’m still pretty odd to some people, I still don’t fit into one square. My quirks make me, me and it’s part of what makes my successes happen. I love this because most of the best and most successful people are ‘odd’ and god damn it I really want to be one of them now and never slip into normal. Screw normal.  06971f03ccc83abf85df467b07a8950a

This, this, this, this. Another quote that I keep going back to at the moment. The past year has been life changing and it’s going to happen again. Sometimes I get sad thinking that university is going to be over soon or the fact that I’ll probably never ride again, things like that. I think it’s natural, but like this quote says I need to try and appreciate them for all the good times. Because damn, the past three years really have been full of good times.

Death by Dissertation??

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At least once a week I’m faced with a crippling fear and enormous self doubt as the result of trying to work on my dissertation. For someone who’s not done a dissertation before, they may think I’m being dramatic, it’s not that hard, right? Wrong. I honestly thought I was so behind but after meeting up with some fellow third years to work on a group project that they also feel as stressed and confused as I am.

My dissertation, something I so looked forward to, had turned into the bane of my existence. I’m now on my  3rd draft and have so much more to do, before it’s finished next month. I’ll have whole days where I’m like ‘yeah let’s get this done’ and then mornings like today where I just want to sit and cry in my duvet and contemplating printing my dissertation and then setting fire to it, obviously that won’t help but in my sleep deprived state it’s entertaining.

I never thought I’d be this stressed or worked up about a project I’d chosen to do. The last haul is definitely the hardest but I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve been working on the parts I love for a long time and now it’s come to editing and reading more critical theory (ENOUGH ALREADY!). I just keep chanting, one more month, one more month.

It’s weird because I love academics normally, I love to write. Hell, you guys are stuck with my notifications every day! I’m just excited to be done with these and finally start my book and have all my passion and energy do into fiction rather than quotes on Marxist Feminism and the role of women in the 1950s.

For any of you also tackling your dissertations, good luck! For those of you who have completed one, what do you suggest to celebrate when I finally finish!

Book Review: How I Lost You – Jenny Blackhurst

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‘My name is Susan Webster. Nearly four years ago, on 23rd July 2009, I killed my three-month-old baby boy’ 

Susan Webster has spent the past three years in a psychiatric hospital after killing her baby boy in an attack she doesn’t remember. With a new identity and heavy guilt Susan is released back into society and moves to a place where no one knows her apart from a fellow inmate who is now her best and only friend. That is until Susan, now Emma, gets an envelop hand delivered through her door addressed to Susan and inside is a picture of her son at three years old. She’s never remembered that awful day, could someone be lying or has she really gone crazy?

I picked this novel up on a three for £10 deal with Amazon, I was intrigued by the idea and how an author was going to pull this off. While the idea was not simple, I had faith in the reviews I’d read and thought I might as well give it a go because this could be absolutely fantastic. At first I was more than happy, the novel was engaging and interesting, pulling me along as I read. My favourite character was Cassie, Susan/Emma’s best friend, she seemed to have the kind of spark that I felt Susan/Emma lacked. I also felt that the character of Nick wasn’t as needed as he is made out to be, in fact he annoyed me quite a lot as a character and merely seemed like a distraction.

With that in mind, however, I can appreciate that Blackhurst is writing from the point of view of a woman who believes she has killed her son, after being told again and again that she has. I just felt that once events start to unfold she could have had more fire to her, especially when it came to believing her son may still be alive somewhere. I also wished there was more emphasis on Postnatal Depression, which is mentioned as one of the reasons that Susan/Emma had killed her son.

I think what made me struggle the most is that the further I got into the novel the more far fetched it became. There was alternating narratives throughout but the reader isn’t told who the other narrator is and for a while the reader has absolutely no idea what this has to do with Susan/Emma at all and it all just seems a little confusing. By the time I’d got to the ending of the novel I felt a little cheated, there were a lot of similarities to other authors such as Sophie McKenzie. While I’m not saying this was intentional on Blackhursts part I was expecting more. The links that were made were plausible but seemed to me more than a little far fetched.

I’m giving this novel 3 stars ***. While it was a good novel, it didn’t really stand out to me as a thriller. While the writing is good I just felt like the ending was a bit too far fetched for me personally. I do think that others would enjoy this but as I said before I’ve read a lot of thrillers and just didn’t have a huge personal interest by the end of the novel.

Review by Chloe Metzger

Book Review: Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? – Mindy Kaling

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“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”

There is no doubt that Mindy Kaling is hilarious. I have to admit though, before reading this book I didn’t really know who she was, I’d seen her face when my boyfriend was watching The Office but other than that I had no idea. I picked up this book in a charity shop for something like £2 because the title appealed to me and I’d heard that it was funny, in those respects I wasn’t disappointed.

This is Mindy’s first book it isn’t an autobiography as such but features prominent parts of her life and, well, to me it was like you were chatting with an old friend. Mindy is funny, brutally honest and best of all seems just like the rest of us. She was an awkward teenager, can be an awkwards adult and has also had those, oh my god what am I doing with my life moments that we all have. She doesn’t pretend that she’s totally happy and over the fact that she has her own show and was part of one of the most popular shows on American TV, in fact she seems excited and frankly a bit geeky about it all, in a good way of course.

The book covers everything from growing up as a chubby indian kid, boyfriends (or lack thereof), sex, careers, embarrassing yourself. It has a feminine charm, but is not sickly sweet. It’s ballsy, without being too in your face. There seems to be a good balance in the book and, of course, it’s laugh out loud funny too. I wouldn’t say it’s the funniest book I’ve ever read, some of the jokes made me uncomfortable but I think that was more because of how I feel about certain topics rather than being outright rude. It’s obvious while reading that Mindy is a fantastic writer, it isn’t easy to pull off written comedy but she definitely manages.

I also found it great that Mindy stands up for being feminine. She declares her undying love for romantic comedies, which I am partial to I spend the majority of my teenage years endlessly watching them. She talks about clothes and diets and a lot of girly things that people have judged her for in the past, basically I love her for being herself and not caring what others think. She says “I think of myself as a smart and funny person, but I am very girly, and in the past I’ve been hurt by people who criticise me for liking things they think are beneath me, like shopping or whatever, and the people who give me the hardest time about it are women. I think it may be because there are so few women in comedy and so there’s a feeling that we shouldn’t sell women out, but I don’t see talking about fashion as selling women out.”

I gave this book 4 stars in total ****. It was a funny and engaging book to read, perfect for something to pick up, chill out and feel like there are a lot of other people who think, feel and act the same as you, hell some of them even get famous! The reason I didn’t give it 5 stars is because while it was good, like I said there were some jokes I wasn’t entirely comfortable with and there were small parts that dragged. With that in mind as soon as I finished the next book was on my wishlist because without a doubt Mindy and write and she is funny. I really enjoyed this book and I would recommend it, I can’t wait to see what she does next!

 

Remembering the good.

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If you haven’t guessed already I love pictures like the one above. I love words and slogans and nice backgrounds. I guess it’s because sometimes I don’t have the image that says what I want to say or sometimes I don’t have the words to say how I feel. It’s because of that I use Pinterest a lot because sometimes the words I need are already there. I don’t use the quote I picked today because I think I’m this brave, strong person. I’ve always said I’ve simply got on with my life the best I can.

I’ve thought a lot about the accident in the past few days, about my spine. This isn’t because I’ve had a lot of time on my hands, more because I’ve been in pain again and there’s nothing more frustrating. When my doctors say the scans look normal and my physio says there’s not much he can do and yet I’m still in pain a lot of the time. When I’m in the awkward part where I still can’t walk too far or stand up for long periods of time and have to explain that I’m recovering from a spine injury. When I have to call venues and explain why I need a seat and they have to decide if I’m ‘disabled enough’, because I’m not officially registered as disabled but at the same time I’m still struggling so much. Don’t get me wrong I do not want another label at all, but sometimes it’s what other people want so I can get the help I need at concert venues for example.

So while I was feeling pretty down about this yesterday, I had a conversation with Ali about how I was feeling and why. He reminded me that while the accident was shitty, awful and did change a lot of my life, a lot of positives came out of it too. I was reminded of these again when I went to see Joe tonight.

  • I’ve got a new appreciation for my body when it’s healthy
  • I’ve gotten better at taking me time and not doing things I don’t want to do
  • I’ve learnt a lot about friendship
  • I’ve got a much better relationship with food, portion sizes and exercise
  • I met Alice, who has come to be a great friend and support to me, I would never have set foot in a gym if it wasn’t for the accident
  • My relationships gotten stronger
  • I have a new sense of understanding when it comes to physical disabilities
  • I got a job I love that I might not have applied for if I hadn’t been spending so much time online when I couldn’t move
  • I got a lot of reading done
  • As a result of the reading I finally embraced feminism and found a new passion

There’s a lot there and I think, as with anything that changes your life when you don’t expect it, there’s a lot to deal with. Sometimes I forget all the positives because I’m just having a down day, that’s all. I worried about writing tonight’s blog because I have had people in the past saying I think too much about my spine, that it takes over my life. Then I shook the thought off because of COURSE breaking your spine is going to have a huge impact on your life, it changes everything for at least the first year – two years after it happens. I no longer care about the ignorant or negative people who don’t try and understand or make throwaway comments because my spine and how I handle it is a part of my life. The good, the bad and the ugly.

I’m a Feminist.

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A lot of people may see the title of this post and think, so what? I’ve thought about writing this for a while and put it off for no reason other than I didn’t want to get this wrong. I am publicly declaring I am a feminist and anything I thought or wrote before is now over written. I’ve always been a feminist but I hadn’t always liked or used the word. I’ve been a feminist since I was a little girl where I’d shout GIRL POWER at everyone while wearing girl power temporary tattoos and would play armies at school and take charge. I’ve been a feminist since I got bored of barbie and used to sketch out my own dolls who could do anything and be anything. I’ve been a feminist since I was a passionate and angry teenager and later and excited 17 year old who saw a poster for the feminist society at university. Then something changed. I came to uni and got in an argument with a male feminist about how oppressed and angry I should feel. As a rule I hate being told what I should and shouldn’t do or feel, more people tried to fit me into a mold so I decided I didn’t want to be a feminist if that’s what people expected of me.

For a long time I, like a lot of young women, refused to call myself a feminist. I didn’t like the way the word had ugly connotations of man hating, being angry and not wanting to shave or wear a bra. I hate body hair on any human and I love a good bra. I’d say I was a humanist and other things like that, I got in arguments at uni and a lot of ‘feminists’ made me feel like I had to conform to their way of life. Fast forward to when I broke my spine and had a lot of spare time on my hands and something changed. I picked up a copy of How to be a Woman by Caitlin Moran for my Writing Women class and it spoke to me. I suddenly felt like I belonged and I could be a feminist and still be myself.

I read and continue to read every book on feminism and strong women that I could get my hands on. I got more interested in politics and women in an international context. I was happy talking about feminism and debating with others. I wanted to be part of a great group of men and women who wanted positivity and empowerment. I’ve said too many that I feel feminism is something you need to discover for yourself and not just tell people WELL YOU ARE, that just pisses people off. I found, fell in love and embraced feminism. I love women like Roxanne Gay too who question what it means to be a feminist in her book ‘Bad Feminist’, because I don’t think there is one true way of being a feminist.

I’m all for women going out and getting a career but I’m also totally supportive of stay at home Mums. My first female role models who I spent time looking up to were my Mum, my Aunt and my Nanna all three are incredible, powerful, kick ass women and all three were stay at home Mums. I also admire working women too, I’ve learnt a lot from my boyfriend’s Mum, who’s always worked. They’re all different and all deserve to be respected for different things.

I also feel that a woman can do what they like with their bodies. I’m not against glamour modelling or the porn industry. Don’t get me wrong there are issues and that’s a whole new blog post but if women WANT to do that to their bodies then who is anyone else to dictate to them? Because to me feminism is all about having a choice.

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I could go on and say all the things we need to fight and put right in the world gender stereotypes, rape, female education around the world, the children debate, etc. I could write about all the men on Twitter, when I posted about equality, who told me I was wrong that the pay gap was a myth and feminism wasn’t needed anymore. I could apologise for being young and naive when I said I wasn’t a feminist. Really though, I just want to say that I’m a big fan of feminism and other women. I don’t want to get angry and compete with them or knock them for every little thing. I certainly don’t want to stand up and go well women are better and men suck, I love men!

I’m writing this because I felt like it was the right time for me to say. I’ve been thinking about feminism instead of sleeping and looking up more books to add to my collection. I know there are some fantastic women out there who I’ve yet to meet and I also know there are people who will judge me first on being a woman before anything else, but you know what I’m excited. I’m excited that I’m a part of this community and that we live in a time where there are so many people working for equality and hopefully less hatred.

So there you go, I’m a feminist, how about you?

I’m Loving: American Crime Story

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As someone who doesn’t have a hooked up TV in their flat, it’s rare I get excited about TV programmes. Over the last few months I’ve kept seeing reports about the OJ Simpson trial, I knew nothing about it but I knew about the name. Nicole Brown-Simpson was murdered the year I was born, so while I have no memory of the trial being on TV I’d heard it mentioned before. The more I read the more interested I got and of course this was all build up to the new FX show, American Crime Story. This looked like it was going to be a great show.

I read and watched a lot to understand background and know the fact before watching the fiction, I wasn’t disappointed. I cannot wait for next week and the next installment, the acting so far has been incredible and I love the angle. There hasn’t been an overwhelming sense of O.J’s guilty or O.J’s not guilty in the first episode which was a relief. I didn’t want to watch something that was incredibly tainted with one person’s view. The fact that the case focuses on those around the case and how it changed their lives is also brilliant to me. Of course, there has been some criticism of the fact that the Kardashians as children will feature BUT the children of O.J and Marcia Clarke are also featured. Robert Kardashian Sr was O.Js best friend, and Kris Jenner Nicole’,s which means that their lives are going to be explored.

The show was fast paced and from what I’ve read is staying close to fact so far. For someone like me, who’s never had an interest in crime shows before to be so hooked they must have done something right. I cannot wait for the next episode and the next and the next. I know I’m going to be clearing time each week to sit down alone and watch, no matter what’s happening that week.

The show also brings up some big issues. The race element is still incredibly relelvent today, 20 years later which is a sad truth. Why is the US still dealing with racism and police brutality? It’s something that, in my opinion, took away from the heart of the case. Two people died, but this was turned into another race issue. Don’t get me wrong I agree that there were and still are great issues between police and the African-American community but for this hugely famous athlete I don’t think it was the case. We’re also confronted with the issue of domestic violence, something incredibly serious. Whether or not O.J Simpson killed Nicole and Ron Goldman, he did assault her. Domestic violence is something that is never ok, towards a man or a woman and from this terrible and shocking murder hopefully there is room for education about domestic violence.

Overall, I’m very excited about this series. It’s going to be a fascinating look at ‘The Trial of the Century’. I’m already thinking about next week and how the famous chase is going to be shot.

How about you guys? Have any of you been watching? What do you think so far?! I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Passion and finding a job

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As a third year student who graduates soon the question of ‘What are you going to DO?’ is cropping up more and more. I know I’m not the only one who wants to stuff their fingers in their ears and just shout la la la I can’t hear you while running away.

I love Ted Talks because I learn a lot and I realise a lot while watching them. I had a conversation with a friend recently about not knowing what to do after uni and not having one true calling. I’ve said before that I would like to do a Masters degree and a PhD but I know that this might change. I also know that there is a chance I might change my mind, a chance that I won’t get funding (which means it would take 4-6 years part time). There are a lot of things that could happen.

So while I have been applying for a graduate job (!!), looking at the kind of jobs available and thinking about what I want to do. So, I watched this Ted Talk because it looked interesting and I liked what she said. About just taking jobs that seem interesting and see where they go, that’s what I’ve done with my past 2 jobs and I’ve loved them. I’ve seen people doing the job and just like her thought ‘I could do that’ and my passion just grew and grew from there. All because I didn’t wait for this big show and dance of outright passion.

Don’t get me wrong I’m still going to freak out at times, I’m 21 and graduating. There’s a lot of pressure but I’m hoping I can keep this in mind and maybe you can too.

Maybe life’s not fair..

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When we’re young we get told life isn’t fair and as we grow older we realise this. there are things that we can’t control that we wish we could, illness is one of those things. You can help with some to prevent it or sooth symptoms but there are others you can’t, and mental illness is the same. I’ve learnt a lot in the last few years about myself and the illness that I have. I’ve thrown myself into research to learn more about the science behind it, recent research and theories to try and have a handle on something that I didn’t choose to have.

Ask a group of people with a mental illness and none of them would have asked to have it. It interrupts life and sometimes for some of our friends it takes theirs. I’ve thought a lot recently about this, about health. As much as I try and treat my body right with certain foods and getting fit and healthy I can’t do much for my mind. Sure I can surround myself with positive people and listed to my mind and my body but other than that if I’m having a low there are a lot of times where I have to wait it out, live with my depression or the anxiety attacks I sometimes have.

That said, ask that same group of people if they could flick a switch and it would have never happened and it will never happen again, it would be a much harder decision. Don’t get me wrong, in the last 6-7 years my illness has made my life hell and has taken things away from me, but it’s also given me things too. I’ve had depression since I was a teenager, so I don’t know what it’s like being an adult without it so sometimes I wonder, would I be as empathetic if I’d never had it, would I be as passionate and would I be so grateful for the little things in life. I don’t know. But I do know, because of my illness, that I have the best possible people in my life who pick me up and who know when I need the day or when I need a kick up the ass. Through lows and highs I’ve got great writing ideas or lyrics I wouldn’t have necessarily thought of, I’ve connected with amazing people and can be blissfully happy by the tiniest of things like waking up in the morning and feeling ok and other things too.

Why am I writing this? For a few reasons, one because I didn’t feel so great in my mentoring session today and we talked for a long time about depression, how I feel about it and the fears I have. There is fear, fear that I might go back to a dark place like I was at school but my mentor pointed something out to me. At 15/16 I had no experience, I hadn’t been diagnosed and I didn’t have a good medical team. I didn’t have a lot of information or ways to recognise my feelings and try and combat them before they got too bad, I had unhealthy ways of dealing with my feelings. In the last 3 years especially I’ve done well to get as far as I have and while the fear won’t go away, if I take note I’m in a better position than I was when I was 15/16. I have a voice and I have you guys too, who can cheer me up on Twitter to no end.

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Taken on my 15th birthday, I was happy here and hadn’t really experienced bad depression yet. 

People may call me names like a nut job, loon, or make snide remarks about being unstable and therefore unable. I’m getting to the point where I’m starting not to care and their hate makes me more driven. This illness may never go away but that doesn’t mean people will always be ignorant, which is why I write things like this to educate, to explain. I’ve written before about my story (the short version, maybe one day I’ll write it in detail) before and I’ve always been open on here about my highs and lows. I think it’s important to remember, for anyone who has an illness, that this is just a part of you, it does not define you. 

So no, life might not be fair and there are thousands of people in the world who live with my illness every day, but we aren’t alone. We might feel like it when depression grabs us and drags us under for a few days but at the end of the day there are so many others out there who are at all different stages of their illness and recovery. Don’t be scared of being you.