Argh!

I’m sure the feeling of wanting to hide away and tell everyone to piss off is not lost on you guys. Everyone has those days, or in my case evenings when your tired, irritated and just want some space, some room to breathe from everyone. Sometimes mine goes a little deeper than that.

Next week is reading week, that’s right I’m six weeks in to my course and I’m definitely feeling it, although not necessarily from just studying. Societies, friendships, band stuff, working, volunteering for things, basically right now I’m exhausted. I’m ready for reading week and although I’m working half of it, the other half I want to just chill out, relax and not think about too much. I know I’m doing well, but sometimes when I’m doing well I burn out, get tired and then quickly start to get very unhappy.

The past few days have been a little bit like that, I know things are going well and then I don’t want to stop. Sometimes I just kind of forget my illness and try and get everything done because I’m excited and happy, I forget that as a part of this I need to rest too. It sounds silly but  rest is HUGE part of recovering from depression because it is exhausting. Low days make me so tired, I get pulled down and I just can’t do anything because it’s like a weight on me that I’m struggling to lift, sometimes for days.

If I’m honest I’m not at my strongest right now because I need a rest BUT I have found that when I go horse riding I feel a lot better, I get on the horse and that is all I focus on, no phone, no internet, no thoughts, just me and the horse. Today I rode Princess, a lovely older horse. I picked it up quite quickly and had a good ride and good feedback, I could feel my muscles getting stronger and actually my self worth. I’d never done this before and now I could do it and I loved it.

So when I go from feeling that good to just feeling generally useless I get frustrated and angry, sometimes to the point where I want to lash out at my illness because it’s just not where I want to be. I want to be happy and stay on one level but sometimes I just can’t.

I have a stack of blogs to upload for you all and I’ll get on that as soon as I can.

Sorry guys, it’s really just one of those nights apparently.

The last few days

Ahh I’m finally back on the laptop and ready to write for you all. The last few days I’ve been feeling pretty low, as you can imagine I don’t get prior warning that I’m going to hit a low. With the tiredness, stress of assignments, stress of flat hunting and being alone a lot it’s easy now to see why I’ve been so down. I haven’t felt like writing lately, or doing much. I’ve focused on my work and tried to carry on with the things I have to do, and everything else was kind of just left. 

I have so much going for me at the moment and there is so much going on that even though I’m happy it can get too much and turn into something that is too much. I hate my lows and I feel like I let a lot of people down when they happen, especially when they’re up and down like they have been lately. The important thing is that I’m trying and I’m proud of myself for that at least. I’ve been able to just say when I need to take a step back and look after myself, well I’m trying anyway. 

These are the king of things that make me carry on and try to raise awareness of mental health. As I said in my presentation it’s all about good days and bad days and how you deal with each. So the last few days have been tough, but I’m ok. I have supportive friends and family and I wont let this beat me. I’m also trying to trust doctors again, although this wont be easy because I’ve had a lot of bad experiences with them before, telling me things that weren’t true or not helping me. 

I know this is a bit of a weird post but I don’t know what else to write about today, hopefully things will start being sorted tomorrow and I can go back for my Easter holidays on Thursday and finally relax and sleep.